This unique cover was made by none other than WesternStarGazer
10/29/2020 - After, like, 5 years, I finally understand why WesternStarGazer put a strawberry in the cover- maybe it's meant to hint that, like strawberries, Raine is also West's weakness? Hmmm... food for thought (pun intended). Also, you guys said you really enjoyed me morphing songs into the edits so I included another in this chapter. As you can tell from there being 0 in-line comments, I went ahead and pretty much rewrote this entire chapter. So please give it some love!
Song: Ran Away by Hollow Coves (attached)
Silently Falling: Chapter Twenty Four
Mr. C decided he wanted another song for the showcase and gave me a rather strict deadline to complete it. I told West about it today at lunch and he offered to come over after school and help, and now we're both chilling in the living room trying to come up with a song fit for the Chorus showcase. He brought his guitar over to help provide a different sound in hopes that it will help with creating lyrics.
He's sitting on the sectional; lounging back on the 'L' portion of the couch with his guitar resting comfortably in his hands as he strums some chords. I watch his forearms flex as he shifts his hand on the neck of the guitar, the veins popping out just slightly. I scan his body momentarily without even realizing it, silently appreciating his build. I can easily imagine the abs that undoubtedly lie beneath his shirt, if his muscled arms and toned shoulders are any indicator.
My mind goes to the times I've been held in those arms and the safety that I felt. Is it all false security? Just an illusion brought on by strong arms that are tricking me into feeling safe and protected, or do I need to keep my guard up? The closer he's getting to learning my deepest darkest secret the more my mind is battling on how to handle it. I still have a lot to lose from West discovering the truth; him included.
"Sunshine?"
I jump in my seat when West says my name- well...nickname, and blink a few times as I focus on meeting his cocky gaze. Please pretend like you didn't just catch me staring...
"Maybe after we finish writing this song I can give you a lesson in how to stare more discreetly."
I fight the urge to bury my face in my hands from embarrassment and instead choose to pointedly look away.
"Yeah right, there's no such thing as discreet staring."
West smirks. "You sure about that?"
I nod, faltering in confidence from the mischievous gleam in his eye.
"You've never caught me."
If my face wasn't red before, it sure as hell is now.
"Just help me with the song," I sign, turning away.
I hear his laughter from behind me as he sits up.
"Is nothing coming to mind for lyrics?"
I shake my head and let out a sigh.
"Hmm," he hums, "could you use one of your songs from your own songbook and just put a twist on it? It would save you a lot of time and effort."
I shake my head. Those are my personal songs. Not songs for a bunch of teenagers to sing at a concert where no one will understand the depth of the lyrics.
"Oh come on Sunshine, why not? I'm sure people would love to hear them."
"Would you play your personal songs for an audience full of strangers?"
"Isn't that sort of what being a songwriter is all about?" West challenges.
Not when the songs are about things you don't want people to know.
"Don't answer my question with a question. That's avoidance 101." I choose to sign instead.
West chuckles. It's amazing how far he has come with ASL in just a couple of months. He's nearly at Toby's level.
"Okay. Fair enough. I guess I wouldn't want the whole school to hear some of my songs, either. Hell, I didn't even like to play back in juvie when the others could hear. Some of them didn't appreciate music and loved to poke fun if they heard me playing in my cell."
I tilt my head, "How often did you play?"
"Whenever I got the chance."
"You made it sound like you weren't much of a guitar player when I first found out you had one."
West eyes me. "Music is personal, Sunshine. And, just like you did, I had to decide whether or not I could share it with you."
"What did you decide?"
He smirks, "I played you a song, didn't I?"
"One."
He raises a brow.
"I've played two for you."
"That's because I asked a second time."
"I'm asking now."
West breaks out into a small smile and fully sits up, nodding to the open cushion next to him. I walk over and sit in the empty spot as he adjusts the guitar in his lap.
"I wrote most of my songs in juvie. I had nothing to do and a lot of time to think about all of the shit I did and the fact that I couldn't be there for my mom and Casper, and uh-" he pauses, clearing his throat, "this is another song that came out of it. It's kind of me singing to myself at a time when I felt like I was an entirely different person than who I wanted to be."
He starts to play, and like me he gets lost in the chords almost instantly. It takes him a second or two to feel comfortable with the position of his hands, but once he does his eyes shut and his body becomes engrossed in the sound.
"There was a time when I saw you
As someone that I could hold onto.
I wanted to be there for you,
Now we've slowly grown apart.
You had the whole world handed to you.
But you started to change and you threw it away.
For a life that was caught in the shadows
Pulling you away from home
Leaving all you've ever known.
You ran away
And you lost your way.
You ran away
And it's not the same."
My heart tugs painfully as I listen to his lyrics and the emotion in his voice. He said this was him singing to himself at a time when he became someone he didn't want to be. But as I listen, I think it's more than that. I think he wrote it at a time when he didn't know who he was anymore. At a time when he was lost.
"After all of these things that we've been through
Now I feel like I don't even know you.
You're the shell of a man that I once knew,
Trying to find his way back home.
Hoping that the ache will go.
You ran away
And you lost your way.
You ran away
And it's not the same."
The more he sings, the more I wonder just how much going to juvie changed him and how hard it was for him to be there.
"My broken hope
And these weary bones.
You've come and you've gone.
Now I'm all alone.
My broken hope,
And these weary bones.
You've come and you've gone.
Now I'm all alone.
You ran away
And you lost your way.
You ran away
And it's not the same."
Once he finishes the song, he lets out a long breath and swallows the lump in his throat.
"I haven't played that one in a while," he admits quietly.
"It was beautiful."
He sighs and keeps his gaze steady on his guitar.
"I wrote it when I finally looked around and saw where my dumb choices made me end up. I didn't land in there for the right reasons, but all of the choices I made early in high school were enough for me to not be surprised that I ended up there at all."
He pauses and looks over at me with shining eyes from the tears that threaten them.
"It was hard, Sunshine. I hated that I ended up there and by the time I got out, I made the decision never to jeopardize my future like that again. For my sake, for Casper's sake, and for my mom's sake...I can't go back."
And, as I lean forward to hug West and comfort him the same way he's comforted me, I recall my earlier thoughts about his arms being a false sense of security. But as I hug him now, I realize how ridiculous that thought is. West is no illusion. He's real; the way he makes me feel is real.
I want to ask him more; ask him about what 'wrong reason' he got sent to juvie for. But, when we pull apart, he nods over to my piano and says he has an idea for some lyrics if I could play the few notes I came up with earlier. I sit down and play the first few notes I have, and West quickly slides into the seat next to me, his arm brushing against mine.
We slowly begin to come up with a song for the showcase, getting nearly halfway done in the matter of an hour. As we finish, I make some final edits in my songbook with the pencil I kept stashed behind my ear during our session.
West, however, keeps me distracted as he hits one of the keys on the piano repetitively.
"Do you want to not do that?" I suggest, placing my hand over his to get him to stop.
"If you wanted to hold my hand, Sunshine, you could have just asked."
I roll my eyes at his cocky response and go to take my hand away, but West shocks me by quickly reaching out and taking it in his before I can let it rest back by my side. He does it so smoothly that I barely remember even attempting to remove my hand, but I'm still not able to hold back my blush.
I shyly look at him and catch his unwavering eyes that are stuck to me. My heart thuds faster when his face slowly moves closer and my mouth goes dry. However, when West's eyes flit down to my lips, a cold shutter goes down my spine and I flinch, turning my head and looking fully away.
West sits back into his own personal space when I look away, suddenly spooked by our close proximity, and I hate that he had to. I hate that I had that reaction. But he never let go of my hand, and I never felt the need to pull mine away.
"Can I ask you something?" He asks suddenly.
I look at him through wide, questioning eyes as I nod for him to go ahead.
"How come you decided to come to the party?"
My jaw clenches for a second from the shock of the question and I divert my gaze to the hardwood floors. The party is in two days and I've been trying to keep it out of my mind. But I guess there's no running away from it.
I see our held hands from the corner of my eye and let out a silent sigh as I regretfully pull mine away to sign my response.
"I need to face my fears."
West narrows his eyes as he pries further. "Parties scare you?"
I meet his gaze, my own unwavering as I sign my response.
"The people at them."
He doesn't miss a beat. "Who are you referring to?"
I back off and avoid his gaze. "Whom, actually. Don't you listen in English?"
But he doesn't allow me to dodge his question and forces me to catch his eye.
"Avoidance 101."
I sigh deeply and shut my eyes for a moment or two before responding.
"Let's just say I didn't lose my voice for no reason."
I sign it before I can fully comprehend the consequences of alluding so closely to the fact that it wasn't just something that happened, but rather someone. I should have just chosen to say 'just all of the drunk idiots running around.'
West is silent in response. He seems to be analyzing what I said but I can't tell what he's thinking. He's keeping his emotions guarded in his expression, so I can only guess what's going through his mind.
Seconds later there's a knock at the front door, so I stand up to see who it is. But before I get more than two steps, West stops me.
"Raine."
I stop walking and turn around to face West as he stands up and takes the few steps towards me.
"You don't have to go to this party," he says cautiously.
"I know that. But it's like I told you, I need to face my fears."
West frowns at my response. "I don't want you to be afraid."
And for some reason, instead of taking this opportunity he presented to back out, I keep my gaze locked on his until he has to look away to read my ASL.
"I won't be if you're there."
Then, before West is able to respond, the front door suddenly opens and another voice answers the silence.
"Oh sweet it was already unlocked! Raine, I told you I would get you this DVD and I did not disappoint-"
Tyler cuts himself off when he walks into the living room. He had walked into the room with his hands behind his back and a boyish grin on his lips, but it drops quickly when he sees West and how close the two of us are standing to one another.
"Oh...hey West," he says with his jaw tight, forcing his voice to come out civil instead of laced with annoyance as though I can't tell.
"I was just bringing Raine a new copy of Mockingjay since her old DVD broke for us to watch. I didn't realize you would be over."
I risk a glance at West who only allows his eyes to narrow for a split second before he masks it and gives Tyler a cool smile.
"Well, I heard this movie was a blast but never got around to seeing it. So, pop it in Ty. Let's watch."
Tyler glares at West behind my back, but as soon as I turn around to smile at him he drops the glare and smiles goofily back. And that's how I somehow spend the next two hours and five minutes sitting between Tyler and West. Talk about an awkward situation.
The whole time, I can't get my conversation with West out of my mind. I question myself on if I gave too much away. West didn't ask any further questions, but was that because he already knows the answers? I risk a quick glance at him and see him focusing on the movie in front of us and I shake that thought from my head.
No. He doesn't know. I didn't give that much away- all I said was I lost my voice at a party. For all he knows, some drunk idiot accidentally hit me with a beer bottle that cut my vocal chords and that's why the people at parties scare me. And the odds of him guessing some reason like that are about as good, if not better, than he odds of him guessing what actually happened to me from the little information I gave him.
So, I force myself to relax and enjoy the rest of the movie.
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10/29/2020 - I kept the same premise of this chapter, but before it was nothing but a random filler. I tried to make it into a pivotal chapter to lead up to the plot points I've alluded to altering, so I once again hope you guys liked the edits! If you're a RR, you know what chapter is up next hehe. I will edit as soon as I can, but I think editing the rest of the book is going to be exceptionally difficult since we are almost at the climax of the book. So bare with me everyone!