"Jax." My whisper is strained and I watch a tendril of his hair flutter when my breath fans it.
His heavy gaze tracks the laboured rise and fall of my chest and his lips spread into a sinful smirk that would put the devil himself to shame.
"Tell me what you want." He whispers back, leaning forward until his mouth is mere centimetres away from mine.
"You." I gasp when his teeth nip my earlobe gently.
"Where?" He taunts, tongue grazing down the length of my jaw.
"Everywhere."
And then he's suddenly there. Everywhere, that is. His lips and hands roam every inch of my body until I'm a mess of tingles and explosions from all the overwhelming sensations his skilled pleasuring delivers. I don't even have time to prepare when I feel him enter me, large and thick and stretching me to the point where it's almost painful. Almost. His thrusting is rushed and heated and the warmth of our bodies passes onto one another until we both break into a sweat, our breaths coming out in choppy gasps and moans. He clasps our hands and brings them over my head so that they rest against the headboard, which is thumping steadily against the wall from the force of our fucking. When his mouth meets mine in heated passion and his tongue begins doing sinful things to my own, that's all it takes me to combust. I'm breaking apart and my stomach tenses and coils. His mouth muffles the noises I'm making and I'm doing the same when I feel him empty out into the condom.
A ringing noise sounds just then and the beautiful state we're in is broken as we both turn to see what the source of it is. I look around but can't see where it's coming from and Jaxon huffs in annoyance.
"Wake up." He tells me in a low voice.
"Huh?" I blink at him. What in the hell is he talking about?
"Wake up, Em."
And then I'm sitting up with a loud gasp, sweating and trembling and most definitely alone. What. The. Hell. And what was that stupid ringing noise? I look to my right and grab my phone off the bedside table, recognizing my alarm. I shut it off with a growl and haphazardly throw it on the bed somewhere before flopping on my back. Releasing a tired groan, I slightly rub my thighs together and note with embarrassment that I definitely climaxed in real life. Ever since Jaxon and I called off our arrangement, these dreams of mine have become an unwanted norm. With him in San Francisco it's just made things worse, almost like my body recognizes that he's miles away from me. But seriously, when did I become such a hussy? Stupid Jaxon. Stupidly hot and troubled and caring and distant Jaxon. I hated that I craved him so badly, flaws and all.
I swing my legs off the side of the bed and stand up, stretching my body that feels boneless thanks to my sleep-induced orgasm. I had major problems. I get into the shower and scrub my body so that the after effects of Jaxon's touch that I can still feel are completely gone. Why the hell should I pine over some guy that can't even recognize his own feelings, no matter how endearing he is or how great he is at giving orgasms, evidently without even having to touch me? With a new direction in attitude set, I dry myself up once I'm done with my shower and settle into something comfortable.
Today was my day out with Lizzie and I had an entire agenda planned out for us. I figured I should stop by today and see how she's doing on her first day without Jaxon, and then come by again tomorrow to watch his match. He should be back near the end of the third day and truthfully, I wanted to spend time with the princess while I could. Though Jaxon never voiced it, I knew he felt wary of me spending too much time with Lizzie. I couldn't exactly blame him. When one woman walks out on your family, how can you be so sure another won't do the same?
I head downstairs to the lobby and in my car, setting off to drive to the address Dad texted me earlier. A small part of me had hoped to get it from Jaxon himself after having been away from him for the better part of two weeks but he'd beaten me to that chance. It only proved how adamant he was about staying away from me and I'd almost believed he genuinely wanted to but the way he'd stared me down yesterday, like he wanted nothing more than to claim me right then and there, confirmed that he was struggling with this distance as much as I was. I had a fairly good idea of what my feelings were but the real question was, did he?
My change in attitude was a sad failure because I ended up dwelling about Jaxon the entire drive. It was so maddening, I'd nearly pulled over just to text him and see if he arrived safely. Of course, I could've asked my dad but damn it, I really miss him. Why in the hell did I agree to having sex with him? But that's not the real issue and I know it. I know I would've fell for him just as easily and just as fast even without sex in the picture. He was a dark and flawed man but I wanted to help him be better and help him carry his demons for reasons I couldn't understand. I just wanted him. He was a pain in the ass but I admittedly wanted him to be my pain in the ass. If I had any chance of getting through to him, he needed to realize that I was around for the long-haul. Assuming he wanted me just as bad as I wanted him. God, it's pathetic how badly I'm clinging on to the hope that there's even a sliver of a chance of him loving me.
I pull up in the driveway of the small house. It looked to be a one bedroom house, possibly having a guest room. The neighbourhood was interesting. Not exactly the kind of area I'd find myself in but I knew Jaxon was struggling to meet ends and given the kind of man he is, I had no doubts a lot of his dedication is put towards getting Lizzie to a safer area. Still, it's admirable how well he's managing as a single father. I know a lot of guys my age who can't even work a stove without needing help and here Jaxon was, raising a daughter as a single parent when his own weren't anywhere near proper role models from what I know. I'm once again taken back by his fierce will to get through any obstacle in life and the evidence of what a strong man he is. Fuck his flaws. He's imperfectly perfect to me.
Clearing my mind of all things Jaxon, yet again, I will myself to dedicate my entire self to Lizzie. Today was about her. I get out of my car and up the small set of stairs that lead to the front door. Knocking, it's a matter of seconds before the door swings open in answer. I'm greeted by an older woman, faint laugh lines and wrinkles surrounding her mouth and eyes. Her hair is a dark shade of brown and the few streaks of silver are barely noticeable. She's a beautiful woman and she looks kind enough that I immediately greet her with a smile she doesn't hesitate to return.
"You must be Emily." Her eyes twinkle knowingly and I wonder what that's all about.
"You must be the sitter." I stick my hand out but am taken back when she pushes it away to envelope me in a warm hug. I pause for the slightest moment but overcome my surprise and return the gesture. She has a very motherly vibe and I already love her.
"Call me Greta." She says warmly.
"That's a lovely name." I tell her as she leads me inside.
"You're as sweet as I've heard about." She gives my cheek a slight pinch and I laugh, somehow feeling like I'm a little kid all over again.
"I hope Lizzie has told you good things." I feign being stern.
"Oh, the best. But it's Jaxon who's always going on about you." She winks and I can't help but notice she looks almost gleeful. Meanwhile, my heart lurches into my throat and I'm finding it hard to breathe.
"Really?" I squeak.
"Really." She laughs. "I've never seen that boy act this way about a girl."
"Oh, well, I doubt it's what you're thinking." I say nervously, trying not to get hopeful. He's made his boundaries clear despite what Greta is telling me.
"Hmm. We'll see." She holds my stare while I shift uncomfortably. This is not going where I thought it would.
"So, uh, is Lizzie around?" I switch the topic and the way her mouth curls up in amusement shows me she knows what I'm up to.
"In her room. Follow me."
Before she can even turn, Lizzie comes barreling out with her ponytails bouncing as she makes a beeline for me. She crashes into my legs and wraps her little arms fiercely around my knees, grinning up at me with that smile I love.
"Emily!" She exclaims.
I lift her up and wrap my arms around her in a hug of my own, smacking kisses on her cheeks while she squeals in laughter.
"Hey, princess." I coo.
"I'm so excited, Emily! We can play with my dolls and my dresses and I have all my makeup ready and some nailpolish and..." She rattles off her list as she wiggles her way out of my arms and bounds back into her room. I watch on, amused, before following after her.
"You're good for her." Great's voice stops me and I turn to face her once more.
"She's good for me." I chuckle.
"You're good for both of them." She looks at me pointedly and she doesn't have to elaborate for me to understand who 'them' implies.
"Thanks." I whisper, swallowing away the sudden lump in my throat.
It gave me more courage knowing Greta was rooting for Jaxon and I. He may not be on our side just yet but I was equally surprised and delighted that most people were. The two of us just felt so right. Could we really be a possibility if Jaxon would just let go of his demons and let me help him carry the countless burdens he bears?
I'm pulled out of my thoughts when a small hand folds around mine. I look down to see Lizzie watching me with a dimpled smile, a piece of paper in her other hand.
"I made this for you." She says shyly, and her cheeks even twinge with the faintest shade of pink.
I crouch down so I'm at eye-level with her and she hands me the paper. It's folded in half and when I open to see what's inside, my heart constricts and I feel tears sting at the back of my eyes. It's a drawing of Lizzie and I, in stick-figure form and one line one either side of our heads to represent our hair. We're holding hands and there's a big heart drawn around the both of us so we're circled within it. For some reason we're the same height and this makes me laugh. I smile even harder when I see how she's labelled us and spelled our names. She's put herself as 'LizE' and myself as 'MLE'. I don't realize I'm softly crying until Lizzie's worried voice speaks up.
"You don't like it?" She asks, looking to be seconds away from tears herself.
"Oh, of course I do, baby." I quickly assure, pulling her into a hug that I'm pretty sure is constricting her airway but I'm too overcome with my fierce love for her to care.
"Then why are you crying?" She asks and her voice comes out muffled where her face is pressed into my neck.
"They're happy tears." I kiss the top of her hair. "You made me so happy, I'm crying in a good way."
"Wow! Really?" She pulls away to look at me in confirmation.
"Yeah." I wipe my tears through my laughter. "Thank you for this, princess. I love it."
"Can I give you a makeover now?" She asks excitedly. "Maybe that will make you happy cry, too."
"Or just cry." Greta mutters playfully.
I shake my head in amusement and take both of Lizzie's hands in my own.
"Sure thing. But before that, I was thinking we could go to the mall and shop." I suggest in a singsong voice.
"Yeah!" She agrees and runs off to the front door. "C'mon, Emily!"
"Well, okay then." I readjust my purse on my shoulder and join Lizzie.
"Want to come with?" I ask Greta over my shoulder.
"No thanks, dear." She watches us with a smile. "You two go and have fun. I need to get some chores done and I'll probably call my daughter in later."
"Okay. We'll bring you something on the way back!" I call out and shut the door before taking Lizzie's hand as we walk towards my car.
When she's all buckled in, I slip into the driver's seat and start off towards the mall. Lizzie chatters on and on about so many different things, I lose track after the fifth change in topic. But I listen with a smile and occasionally slip in my own opinion and I'm surprised by how much fun I'm having with a 5 year old. I could've drove her around for hours just talking to her and this realization makes me glad that Jaxon has her. She was like a walking ray of sunshine; one I'm sure he desperately needs.
In no time at all, we've arrived to our destination and I get out of the car to unbuckle Lizzie from her seat. We walk hand-in-hand inside the mall and I take her to a store that sells children's clothing. Once we enter the girl's side, I'm not all surprised when Lizzie releases my hand and makes a mad dash towards the section full of dresses. And I'm even less surprised when she grabs the pinkest, puffiest, one there is.
"Princess." I laugh, making my way over to her. "You've got lots of pink dresses. I bet another colour would suit you too."
"But I like pink." She says simply.
"Okay. How about we try on another as an experiment?" I encourage.
Don't get me wrong. If the girl wanted to wear pink, she could look like walking cotton candy for all her heart desired. I just wanted to introduce her to idea of broadening her horizons from what she already knew. Often, you had to introduce kids to certain concepts through simple tasks and they'd later on be able to apply the knowledge themselves. So, something as simple as choosing a different colour to wear, could teach Lizzie about what it means to try new things and become accustomed to change. Her choosing to wear a blue dress instead of pink could also possibly help her to better deal with, say, moving to a new house or changing schools.
"I guess." Lizzie agrees after a few thoughtful moments.
"Great. Choose any colour you'd like." I make a show of gesturing towards all the colourful dresses lined up.
"But not pink." She clarifies.
"Not for now." I confirm.
"How about purple?" She asks me. A little close to pink but we're taking baby steps.
"Perfect." I say and grab the puffiest and frilliest purple dress my eyes land on before handing it to her.
"Perfectly purple." She sings, skipping away. The smart thing figures out where the changing rooms are and gets into the closest line. I'll be damned.
"Your daughter is beautiful." A woman says next to me, watching Lizzie with a smile. My own smile falters slightly at her misunderstanding, and I'm baffled that I actually feel disappointed to voice the truth. I have no idea what's come over me.
"She's not my daughter." I laugh a little but even I can hear how it sounds strained.
"Oh, pardon my mistake. She just looks at you so lovingly I couldn't help but assume." She fans her warmed cheeks with an embarrassed chuckle.
"That's alright." I brush off, unsure of what I'm feeling right now.
Lizzie waves me forward to where she's standing and, throwing a quick smile at the woman, I go over to her. I stand in line with her until the clerk hands me a carded number and points us to an available stall.
"Do you want my help?" I ask Lizzie when we make our way to our designated change room.
"No, thank you." She says sweetly and walks into the stall, shutting it behind her.
I wait on one of the benches across her stall while she changes. It's a couple of minutes before the door opens and Lizzie steps out. She runs her hands down the material of her dress almost shyly and peeks up at me through her lashes.
"Well?" She asks, twirling a little.
"See for yourself." I wink and usher her over to a long mirror just next to her changing room. I crouch onto my heels and place my hands on her shoulders so that I can turn her towards her reflection. She tilts her head thoughtfully, scanning herself, and her concentration on the matter is beyond adorable.
"I think you look beautiful, baby." I kiss her cheek reassuringly.
"I like it." She concludes and faces me with a pleased grin.
"Even if it's not pink?" My eyebrows go up.
"Uh huh." She nods enthusiastically. "Can we get it, please?"
"You know it." I bop her nose and she giggles. "We'll even get a matching pair of shoes."
"Yay!" She squeals and throws her arms around my neck and the sheer force of it makes me laugh.
"Your zipper is undone." I tease when my arms go around her torso and feel how the back is open.
"I tried to do it myself." She scrunches her nose.
"Well, let's get it zipped up, find some shoes, and pay. And then we can grab some lunch."
"Perfectly purple." She quips.
"Oh? Is that what we're saying now?"
"Yeah! But don't tell anyone. It's just for us."
"Can't disagree with that." I nod seriously.
After we've fussed over two pairs of shoes to choose between and payed for the items, I take Lizzie to the mall's food court and ask her what she wants to eat. We both decide on a platter of fries and seat ourselves once we have our food. As usual, Lizzie takes up most of the conversation with her steady chattering and I listen intently as she bounces from subject to subject.
"I miss Daddy." She sighs all of a sudden.
"Yeah?" I brush a hand over hair sympathetically.
"I forgot he was gone but then I remembered because he wasn't in my room to kiss me good morning like he always does." She says sadly and this time it's my turn to sigh when I feel my gut twist.
"I'm sorry, princess. He'll be home soon and I'm sure he'll make up for all the kisses he can't give you right now."
"He will." She agrees with a large grin. "He's the greatest Daddy."
I smile at the truth of her statement. She's right. He's an amazing father.
"Daddy really likes you." She pipes up in a small voice, like she's afraid to say it. My stomach sumer saults at her words.
"Lizzie, I-"
"We talk about you a lot." She interrupts me and I'm almost convinced my little angel doesn't want me to say otherwise.
"Daddy doesn't talk about girls. But he talks about you."
I want to squeal and groan at the same time. Squeal because the people in Jaxon's life are all apparently informed about his feelings toward me. Even his 5 year old daughter. And I want to groan because Jaxon himself won't face what he feels. And with the hopeful look Lizzie is giving me, I'm cursing Jaxon in my head for putting me in a situation where I have to divert his little girl's false hope.
"That's cause I'm your dad's friend, princess." I say as nonchalantly as I can. "Now, how about ice cream?"
I've seen Jaxon use this trick and thank my lucky stars when it works. Lizzie goes on about what flavour she should pick while we throw out our leftovers and I try to ignore how conflicted I feel about where this day is going. It constantly comes back to Jaxon and the point of it was to veer clear of him in the first place.
It's near sundown when we arrive back at the house, Lizzie's face full of ice cream and my arms full of shopping bags. We'd given in and gone to other stores for more clothes, including some for me that Lizzie so graciously helped me pick out. She had pretty great taste, actually. When we walk in through the front door, I halt in my tracks and face the last person I'd expect to see here.
"Delilah?" I question.
Her head of blonde whips up, startled, and her eyes widen in shock when she sees me.
"Emily?" She asks, looking as incredulous as I feel.
"Lizzie!" The little princess cracks up and the momentary dilemma is forgotten as Delilah and I turn to her, mouths quirked up in amusement.
"What are you doing here?" I look back to her when the question is asked.
"I was taking Lizzie out for the day while Jaxon is gone." I feel the need to explain. It doesn't do any good because her expression of bafflement heightens, something like realization creeping into her eyes.
"You're the girl Jaxon has been so hung up on?"
For Christ's sake, how many people other than Jaxon were going to claim his feelings for me?
"I have no idea how to answer that." I deadpan.
"Oh my goodness, all this time..." She trails off.
"Wait." My brows come together and I suddenly feel sick to my stomach as a thought occurs. "Are you two...did you ever-"
"No!" She holds her hands out as if willing me to refrain from continuing and the level of relief I feel is pathetic.
"God, no. We never - no way. I've always been like a sister to him and-"
"So how do you know him?" I cut to the point.
Delilah casts her eyes down in embarrassment and it's only then do I notice the apron she's wearing and the cloth in her hand. I put two and two together and voice my thoughts.
"Greta's daughter." It's not a question and she doesn't deny my answer so I know I'm right. That must mean she works for him. I'm taken back when she suddenly let's the rag fall from her hands and runs off to the kitchen.
"What?" I watch her dash away in confusion.
"Go get her." Lizzie nudges my legs forward, shaking her head at me as if I'm being incompetent. Well, then.
I oblige and follow after Delilah, barely catching her where she's about to exit from some backdoor in the kitchen.
"Delilah, wait." I call out.
She freezes and her hand stills on the doorknob.
"What was that?" I ask when I come beside her. Did there have to be so much goddamn drama today?
"I'm sorry." She whispers. Her shoulders droop a little and I immediately sympathize with her obvious distraught.
"Come on." I lead her to one of the chairs of the dining table and seat her. "Talk to me."
"Why are we friends?" She says out of nowhere and I draw back.
"Because I like you?" I don't mean for it to sound unsure but I have no idea where she's going with this.
"Do you still like me now?" She asks bitterly, gesturing at her attire.
I understand then and shake my head at her idiocy. She was so lucky I was truly fond of her.
"Yes." I emphasize and glare at her disbelieving expression. "I could give two shits about how you and your mother keep yourselves stable. You think that just because you work as a housekeeper I should like you any less?"
"Maybe." She squeaks out and now she's the one who sounds unsure.
"Being a housekeeper has nothing to do with your love of books, or your contagiously sweet personality, or your quirky sense of humour. That's all you, Del. Status be damned." I tell her with utmost conviction.
"Really?" She looks afraid to be hopeful so I wrap her in a fierce hug. She returns it after a few hesitant moments and I'm glad it's settled.
"So," She says a little mischevious when we pull back. "Jaxon is your mystery guy, huh?"
"Yeah." I laugh softly. "He's definitely a mystery."
"I can't believe I knew him all this time and it didn't come up."
"Same with me. How is it you never came up in any of our conversations? By name, anyways."
"Assuming you guys do enough talking." She giggles.
"Shut up." I retort when I feel my cheeks flame.
"Hey." She chuckles, putting her hands up defensively. "I don't blame you if that were the case. That man is what fantasies are made of."
"You're telling me." I admit with reluctance.
"Tell me the full story?" She asks.
"I'll give you the play-by-play when we meet up with Avery. I have to catch her up too."
"Sounds great. Are you going to stick around?" She asks hopefully.
"I don't know." I hesitate.
"Sleepover!" Lizzie bounds into the kitchen out of nowhere, arms up as she runs towards us.
Delilah catches hold of her and hoists her onto her lap with a grin.
"Hey, cutie." She kisses her forehead.
"Sleepover?" Lizzie repeats, looking between the two of us. Delilah raises her brows at me expectantly while I fidget in my seat.
"I'll cook lasagna." I hear from behind me and turn to see Greta regarding us all with a smile.
A chorus of 'please' breaks out and I roll my eyes, knowing I'm outnumbered.
"Oh, what the hell. Sure." I crack a grin as the girls whoop.
Greta gets to work on the lasagna and Lizzie pulls Delilah and I into her room for makeovers. While she works her 'magic' on us, I tell an impressed Delilah about how I managed to get Lizzie to agree to a purple dress and we show her the evidence. Lizzie changes into it once we do our makeup and while she fixes herself up, Delilah and I take countless selfies of how we look, laughing good-naturedly. When Lizzie steps out, we 'ooh' and 'aah' as she puts on a little show for us. Next thing I know, we call Greta to join us and Delilah and I change into the clothes I got for myself and join Lizzie in a fashion show of our own. Greta claps while we strike ridiculous poses and I somehow convince her to get up on our pretend stage with us and soon all of us are going down the runway.
Greta brings our plates of lasagna to the room since none of us are in the mood to leave and we all sit on the ground and eat dinner together. I offer to wash the dishes when we're done but Greta and Delilah fiercely decline and they go to the kitchen to clear up. Lizzie and I take that opportunity to do each other's nails while we wait for them to join us. She paints mine surprisingly neat and once my nails are dry, I do hers.
"Emily." Lizzie whispers and I break concentration to look up at her in surprise. It's a rare thing for Lizzie to stray from her usually chipper self.
"What's wrong?" I ask when I notice how distraught she looks.
"I, um." She pauses and looks back down.
"Hey." I coo, putting a finger under her chin and raising it until she meets my gaze. "What happened, princess?"
"I might get in trouble for saying this." She looks almost fearful and I feel both my brows go up.
"Well, let's see what it is first." I encourage.
She swallows nervously and finally meets my gaze, holding it.
"Is...is this what it's like to have a mommy?"
Shatter.
If I could hear my heart right now, I'm absolutely certain that's what it'd sound like. Like my heart just broke into a tiny million pieces because that's sure as hell how it feels. Warm tears trek down my face and Lizzie watches me with concern.
"Am I in trouble?" She whispers.
Words are failing me at this moment so I simply shake my head. And then I grab her tightly and hold her while I sob softly.
"Oh, baby." I breathe.
I look up when I hear a sniffle and see Greta and Delilah watching us from the doorway, looking as heartbroken as I feel.
Get it together. For Lizzie's sake.
I quickly swipe at my tears and look down at Lizzie, who has tears running down her own face and my heart cracks open just as little more.
"Did you know that I don't have a mommy either?" I tell her.
"No. Really?" She asks, eyes widening slightly.
"Really." I nod. "You're not alone baby, I promise. And do you want to know what I do when I feel alone and want my mom?"
She watches me quietly, raptured.
"I just close my eyes and imagine her with me. I imagine what she looks and smells like and I imagine her arms around me and then I feel okay. Try it." I encourage.
She closes her eyes, smiling a little when she gets a mental image. Her eyes reopen and she looks at me hesitantly.
"I imagined you."
And then Delilah and Greta and I are all enveloping Lizzie in one huge hug, crying softly for our little girl. My heart, already splintered and bruised, threatens to come apart completely because I don't know where to go from here.
Oh, Jaxon, I think. What are we doing?
__________________
A/N
LIZZIE. MY BABY. SHE'S MAKING ME CRY YOU GUYS. THIS WAS SO EMOTIONAL TO WRITE.
But fret not! Jaxon will come to his senses very soon, I swear. And it'll be worth it. That man is so so capable of love, trust me.
Your comments are everything to me so please leave them! Tons of them!
And please VOTE and share if you liked this chapter!
Thank you :)