Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
9 Crimes - Damien Rice
I WAS SHAKING when I finally reached my room and without much thought, I quickly packed my suitcase and checked out of the hotel. I decided to avoid telling J my decision; she would have probably talked me out of it, and all I wanted was to leave and don't look back.
The hotel offered a car that took me back to Charles De Gaulle airport. On my way there I called Jill in sobs begging her to get me home as soon as possible. Magically she managed to find me a seat on a flight that was leaving 5 hours after that. An Economy class seat in a 20-hour long flight with two stopovers, but I was going home, and at that point, it was all that mattered. I turned off my phone after she sent me my flight information; I figured that if I was going to spend 20 hours on a plane, I should take the opportunity to do some much-needed thinking.
I landed at JFK with probably the greasiest hair in the whole State, undeniable dark circles around my eyes, and thanking God for sunglasses. A blond buzz cut stood out from the crowd and a sense of relief washed over me knowing Tom was there to pick me up. As soon as he helped me reach my car, I turned on my phone knowing I had two phone calls to make. The flight left me physically and emotionally drained but with clarity I had been desperately aiming for.
"I was worried sick Liv!" J whispered hinting to me that Niall was probably close.
"I'm sorry I just needed to leave and didn't want you to talk me out of it," I admitted, "I've just landed, and I'm on my way home."
I heard her walking and closing a door behind her, the sound of cars in the background suggesting she had probably stepped outside to talk without being heard, "Harry was going crazy, what happened?"
"I'm sorry you had to deal with that J..." I puffed fighting the tears, "it wasn't gonna work and I just needed to leave, please tell him I'm okay, but I don't want to talk to him right now."
"Are you actually leaving him?" She questioned, her tone dry.
"I'm trying to figure out things in my life, I'm sorry if you don't agree," I blurted out.
"As a matter of fact I don't, and I haven't agreed with you as of late if you must know," she said flatly, "get your shit together and stop dragging people down with you."
She hung up. I took a deep breath and decided I would deal with it later.
Closing my front door was bittersweet. I had pictured myself returning home filled with joy and excitement from that trip but was feeling absorbed and distressed instead. I've never liked feeling like I don't have things under my control, but during those months that was the overall sensation every minute of every day. I needed it to disappear.
Fast.
Calling Nick was my first step towards starting to take back the reins of my life. I told him I was flying to L.A. and needed to talk to him. He agreed with concern in his voice.
Meeting with Amy and Lena was the third measure I took in my quest back to sanity.
*
"A 20-HOUR FLIGHT in economy ?! Are you out of your freaking mind?!" Amy yelled from her kitchen, her voice traveling loud and clear to the couch where I was sitting in her living room.
"With two stopovers," Lena added nodding while placing a pizza box and three beers on the coffee table.
They always found a way to make me smile, even in the worst of times, "Could you please focus on the relevant facts?" I said chuckling while resting my head back on the couch.
"Well, I think you using the worst option ever to travel back home is pretty relevant Liv, I mean wow! You must have been desperate..."Amy shook her head still in disbelief.
"I don't want to add drama to this, but J is pretty pissed off at you, she called me earlier," Lena said sitting beside me.
"Yup, she hung up on me..."
"Little J hanging up on people? That Irish dude is changing her, I'm telling you!" Amy giggled, I loved the fact that she always tried to take the drama out of all situations.
"We'll deal with one thing at a time, don't worry she'll come around," Lena came closer to me and circled her arm around my shoulders comforting me.
"What are you going to do with 'the boy'? Have you returned his calls?" Amy inquired.
I felt a pinch in my chest like every time the mere thought of Harry crossed my mind, "No, I guess it's better if we don't talk for a while..."
"You can't keep running away Liv," Lena reasoned, "lately it feels like you are running from everything all the time, even from us sometimes."
Her words were precise as always, and I knew she was right. I sighed and nodded in silence.
Lena tightened her embrace and continued, "I'm not saying you have to be with him if you don't want to, but you should maybe try to find out what is that you want and stop being all over the place all the time."
"I'm not saying you should be with him either," Amy nodded, "but consider it because he is kinda hot," she winked an eye and took a sip from her beer bottle.
*
NICK'S OFFICES IN L.A. always made me feel like a grown-up. Everything was white, silver, and immaculate. Everyone was flawlessly dressed and sporting perfect grins on their faces. It also made me feel a bit like a hobo, to be honest.
His assistant escorted me to meet with him and without saying a word he pulled me into a tight hug as soon as I stepped into his office. He pulled away, placed her hands on my shoulders, and looked into my eyes, his eyebrows creased. I knew he was worried, never in the six years we were working together I went to L.A. specifically to talk to him. This time I just couldn't wait for him to fly to New York and I wanted to talk to him in person. He beckoned for me to sit on a big couch and he sat in front of me on a lounge chair across the coffee table.
"How are you, Livie?" He broke the ice unbuttoning his gray jacket.
I bit my lower lip in distress, sweat slowly covered my palms, "Well, I've been better..."
"Is Tom helping you out?" He asked with paternal concern.
"Yeah, Tom is great and has been nothing but helpful, thanks, Nick," I nodded, "and sorry, I've been... an asshole lately and took it on you many times."
He chuckled, "Well, you've been demanding, not gonna lie," he assured beaming, "But you've been through a lot, and it's okay to be a little bit of a diva sometimes," he finished winking at me.
"A bitch more like," I said laughing.
"Well I hope you can start to feel better soon, how was Paris?" He hurried to ask, leaving the previous topic behind.
"An absolute disaster," I shook my head, "it's over...Harry and I."
His eyes widened and he straightened in his seat, "Oh, I didn't know..."
"Yeah, it's for the best, though," I shrugged, "but my fail of a love life didn't bring me here, I need to tell you something that I've decided."
"Sure Liv, tell me," he said nodding while pressing his elbow to the armrest, resting his chin between his thumb and index finger.
My eyes met the carpeted floor beneath my feet, "I want to take a year off from working on any project," I blurted.
His eye widened before squinting, nodding his head as though the words I had just said were slowly sinking in. The next few seconds seemed like days until he cleared his throat and spoke again, "Well Liv, as your manager I'll have to strongly advise you otherwise," I opened my mouth to fight back when he raised his index and continued, "but you are like a daughter to me, and I can tell you need it, I'm worried about your career, but your peace of mind is more important right now."
All the stress I had been carrying on me was released by his words; as if someone had open the gates of a dam, tears slowly streamed down my face. Nick moved across the room and sat beside me, we hugged and my life slowly started to feel mine again.
"How long are you staying in L.A.? If you don't come for dinner tonight Lisa will divorce me," he said after we finished discussing my future steps.
"Of course, I'll be there. I'm staying two more days I guess; I don't know... it's the first time in years I don't have a schedule," I said absentmindedly and he chuckled, "actually, what do you know about Matt? I was hoping to meet with him..."
"Not much really, I no longer work with him."
"What?!" I asked in surprise.
"Yeah, he made me choose between you and him," shrugging, he stated, "easy choice."
*
I STILL REMEMBER when we bought our house in Studio City. Matt was so insistent with the fact that we needed to have a place in L.A., probably tired of living in hotels while he was there. For me, it wasn't such a big deal but, again, most of our relationship I had spent trying to please him.
We scheduled a visit with the realtor on a Saturday. The house was nice, but it was the backyard that got me. Overlooking the city I imagined how beautiful the nights would be there. It was an instant 'yes' for me even though I knew I would not spend more than 30 nights in my life in that house.
And I didn't.
Standing at that same front door felt strange, I wanted to run away but stayed. Matt's car was outside, so I decided to ring the doorbell instead of using my front door key. Images of the New Year weekend when he found Harry at my house haunted me.
I shook my head and insisted on ringing the doorbell; I knew he was inside.
"I'm not leaving until you open the door, Matthew!" I shouted as I began to heavily knock on the door.
"Come on! Open the door!!" I raised my voice.
That was when I saw a shadow darting toward the front door. I had to take a step back when the door swung open, Matt's eyes were raging with fury and I doubted before stepping inside when he moved to the side to let me walk in.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?! Causing a scene in my driveway?! Who are you?!" He spat as soon as he closed the door.
"You caused a scene in my foyer; it was only fair that I returned the favor," I said a trace of sarcasm in my tone but trying to keep calm.
We stared at each other for a while; I could tell he was unsettled by the way his chest rose and fell. Sharply and almost scary.
"What do you want?" He muttered, his hands clenched into fists on each side of his body.
"To talk to you," I replied.
"I don't have anything to say to you, you can leave now," he turned around and placed his hand on the doorknob.
"Of course you do Matt, come on," I insisted.
He turned around glaring at me, his jaw tensed up, "Don't you have a British two-year-old to fuck, Liv?" His tone was harsh, mischievous, and filled with anger.
"See? You do have things to say to me..."Pointing at him, I smirked making an effort to not allow his words to hurt me.
He nodded and I could tell he was restraining himself from talking."Bring it on! I'm here to say everything we need to say to move on, I can't take another day knowing you hate me for the absolute wrong reasons," I shook my head," so come on, just say whatever you need to say."
Matt took a deep breath, gaining momentum, and I braced myself for what I knew was coming.