Megan Crawford.
Monday, September 14th 2015.
13:20.
I should have liked the fact that I did not have to wake up at seven in the morning and go to The Book Escape.
But the truth was that I loved that place. It was amazing, I could always see Kyle there and I could read a book in a corner and I could listen to music as I looked through the shelves. I even missed the talks Olivia and I would have about make up and boys. Those conversations had seemed pointless and dumb back then, but now they reminded of everything I had lost.
On weekdays, once I was done at the bookstore, Kyle and I would go back to his place or maybe to mine, sometimes we would walk around the park, others he would drive me far away. But now that was not an option. And I was at home, sat down on the windowsill in my room with a cigarette between my lips.
I was wondering what I would do once classes began once again. I would go back to school so soon and there would be so many rumors about me, about how I had supposedly cheated on Kyle with Josh. I knew that everyone would blame me for the mess, I was sure that people would assume it had all been my fault and I was an awful person. Only because I was a girl, everyone would think I was wild and promiscuous. Boys were considered amazing when they went out with more than one girl at the same time, when they slept around. But girls were supposed to be ashamed and embarrassed if they did either of those things. And even though it was not true that I had been unfaithful, I would still be criticized. It was not fair, but there was nothing I could do to change it.
And besides, I did not think I could handle seeing Josh and Eliza just walking around hand in hand, not meeting my eyes, pretending nothing had happened. Just the thought of that repulsive boy made me sick to my stomach. He was cruel and mean and selfish and disgusting. When he had kissed me, I had wanted to scream and shout, but I had just run. I had been too scared to give him a piece of my mind. I wished I could go back to that day and yell at him for a long time.
All of a sudden, I heard my ringtone, coming from my phone on my bed. I frowned and stood up, putting out the cigarette on an ashtray I had stolen from my mom. I wondered who was calling me, since I did not have that many people that I really talked to. When I looked at the screen, Chloe was the name that showed up, and I smiled, excited to speak to my older sister, because it had been weeks since we had had our last conversation.
"Hey," she said as soon as I answered. Her voice sounded low and uncertain, and right away, I could tell that she had heard about how terrible the past week had been for me. I sighed, I did not like that everyone could talk about me and my mischances without me even knowing. It was insane how fast word went around in Blackford.
"Hi, how are you?" I replied, attempting to sound casual so that maybe she would not say anything about. But I knew that she would. Chloe was the kind of person that wanted to help even when it was obvious that there was nothing she could do about the problem. She just liked to contribute on making others feel better. And though most of the time it was refreshing to see that she cared so much, in that moment, it was just annoying. I preferred to be alone right now and not have to listen to what anyone had to say.
"Fine, fine," she muttered. Then she mentioned the one thing that I was dreading to talk about. Her voice was silent and a bit awkward as she admitted, "Uh, Mom mentioned your break up the other day, and I just wanted to say that I am really sorry."
"Not your fault," I whispered. I looked down at my fingernails and scratched the turquoise polish on them, it was a nervous habit of mine that I could never seem to get rid of.
"How are you doing?" she questioned. I shrugged, even when I knew she could not see me, because it was the only answer that really expressed my emotions. I was not completely devastated, I was beginning to forget what it was like to be with Kyle, how warm his arms felt around me. I had too many memories of him, but as the time passed, they were more of a blur. That helped with my problem. Our relationship seemed less real now that it was in the past, if that made any sense.
"Not wonderful, but I am one step closer to being over him," I confessed. It was not a lie, and I was kind of proud of myself for that. Being honest for once about this was liberating. I sighed and went on, "I would rather not bore you with the details."
"I'm sorry, you probably did not want me to bring it up," Chloe muttered. She was right and I was thankful that she had realized this so soon because I did not think I could just get into a conversation about that.
"Not really," I said in a soft tone. "Could you distract me? Tell me something else that will get my mind off of it?"
Chloe seemed glad with what I said because she never liked to hear me so upset. She began to talk about college and how well she was doing. It was good to know that she was experiencing so much and having such a wonderful time. But I was a bit jealous too because I wished to have the happiness that she had.
I was not even listening too much. I was thinking about going to the store to buy some more cigarettes because I was almost out. I did not want to go out, it was painful to even walk out the door, but smoking was the one thing that helped me most. It was odd how I had stolen that habit from Kyle. I was attempting to forget him with something I knew reminded of him.
"Meg?" Chloe said, I had not realized that I had been quiet for the longest time and she had thought that I had ended the phone call. I cleared my throat and blinked a few times. "Are you still there?"
"Yes, yes, sorry," I replied, nodding my head and scratching the back of my head. I stood up from my bed and went to sit on the windowsill once again, pressing my knees to my chest and resting my chin on them. I looked at the ashtray next to me and sighed, "I just think I need a smoke."
"Damn it! You still do that?" Chloe was not one to swear, so I was surprised by her words. But then I remembered that she thought smoking was disgusting and it ruined thousands of lives. It was true, sure, but I did not mind. I did not care if I lost a few years, my life was stressful either way.
"Not as much as before," I lied. The truth was that I was doing it so much more now that I was going through my sad teenage years. But I did not want to hear her lecture me. From experience, I knew that she took her sweet time when she did that. Seasons changed outside the window whenever she scolded me.
"I should tell Mom about this," Chloe said, and I could just picture her shaking her head at me in disappointment. I was about to beg her not to do it, but then she admitted, "But I am a good sister so I will not. Just please, do not smoke ten packs a day."
"I promise," I chuckled.
"Anyways," she mumbled. I raised my eyebrows because of what she said once a moment had passed. I was not in the mood to listen to more bad news, but it seemed essential that I knew whatever she was going to say. "I have something to tell you. And you might not love to hear it."
"Shoot," I said, feeling nervous. I was not sure what to expect. Thousands of terrible things came to my mind, and I wondered what had gone wrong. Her voice had become low, and that could not mean that she was going to tell me anything good.
"I have decided to meet our father a few weeks from now," Chloe confessed. "He is coming down to see me, so we are going to have breakfast and catch up. If you want, you can ride on the subway and and meet with us. He really wants you to be there."
"What?" I exclaimed. My heart pounded against my chest and I took one of my fingers up to my temple in an attempt to think for a second about what I had just heard. "You are really going through with this?"
"Of course," Chloe assured me. There was no doubt in her tone and that scared me. I did not get why she would want to be in the same room as our father. It was insane. She was insane. I was about to tell her that she needed to go to a madhouse before she went on, "What is up with your hatred towards him, anyways?"
"Well, he is a bit of a fuck," I chuckled in a humorless note. She never liked it when I was sarcastic. But I could not help it when I was as upset as I was in that moment. The past few days, the universe had been laughing at me, making a mess of things and leaving me to clean it all up.
"Will you grow up?" Chloe said, her tone sharp and cold. She was not one to talk like that, so I was surprised. "I am meeting him. I want him to be in my life. I have waited so long to meet him. I used to dream about him showing up on my birthdays and bringing presents. I used to imagine him on the bleachers, cheering me up on my swim meets. This is my one chance to have a father. I am not backing out just because you are not comfortable with it."
"How selfish are you?" I exclaimed, feeling hurt and mad all at once. I breathed in and then out, trying to even out my heart beat. I attempted to sound calm as I said, "Please, do not meet him. I cannot stand the thought of him being near you. I love you too much to let you go with him, to let him hurt you one more time."
"He is not going to do that!" Chloe said, and she was screaming at me now. I was not used to listening to her yell. She had always been the one that kept it together, whilst I was the one that broke down and shouted and cursed. But right then, she was losing her composure, "Why do you have so much trouble trusting people?"
"Because of him," I whispered. I could feel tears on my eyes. I was so sick of them. I was done with the breaking down and the feeling sorry for myself. I could not stand it anymore. I wanted to get out of town and find someplace where I knew no one and where I could sit in silence for infinity.
"Well, that is your problem," she scoffed. "Because I am over it now and I want to see him."
"Chloe, please, understand," I pleaded, and my voice cracked as I burst into tears all of a sudden. "Maybe you no longer care that he was gone for years, without calling us, without helping us out even though he knew that we had problems. He could have sent some money. He could have done the noble thing and come see us at least once. But he never did. And that is not something that I can forgive or forget. He made me think I did not deserve to have a family, he broke me in every way possible. There is not one day that he does not cross my mind. He is always there, in the back of my head. I watch him leave again and again and the picture is so clear, so painful. When I think about you with him, it makes me want to scream until my lungs give in. You have to understand."
"Fuck, will you just get over it?" It was clear that she noticed that I was sobbing, but she did not mind. She still groaned at me, "He apologized and apologized and I have no idea what else you want from him! You are so goddamn dramatic! You have to overthink everything! Why do you not get that he has changed?"
"Because it is a lie," I cried out.
"How the fuck do you know? You have not talked to him in so long! You always like to be the victim, but this is not about you! You are such a stubborn bitch!" Chloe snapped. She had never said anything like that to me before. But then again, it did not cause me as much pain as it would have any other day. Because I was not becoming used to listening to others calling me humiliating insults.
"You are even worse than I am!" I fought back, standing up from the windowsill and pacing around my bedroom. Warm tears were still falling down my cheeks. "You are so gullible and dumb thinking someone can change just because! He wants to mess with you even more! You are so stupid!"
"God, you are unbearable!" Chloe grumbled. "No wonder your boyfriend broke up with you."
That hurt. But I tried not to think about it too much. The thing that was bothering me the most was the fact that she would not listen. I attempted to explain to her why I felt the way I did, why I was telling her all that I was. I could not handle the thought of her in a restaurant with my father across from her, wearing a ring on his finger to show his commitment to a woman that was not my mom. It made me sick to my stomach. However, Chloe seemed alright with it.
But Chloe was just looking for memories to fill the spaces on her mind that our father had decided to leave blank. She wanted to have a relationship with him only because she thought she needed a father, but he was not good enough to be in our family, he did not deserve to see us again.
"You know what? Do whatever you want, go have some juice and pancakes with that bastard," I muttered. "But do not even think about calling me anytime soon."
I soon hung up and lit another cigarette. I breathed the smoke out the window as I took one hand up to my cheek and wiped away some tear stains.
Everything is fucked up.
-
Megan Crawford.
Tuesday, September 15th 2015.
16:34.
I decided to have a day to spend some time with myself.
It was supposed to make me feel better about everything. But things did not go as well as I had wanted. From the beginning, as I walked out of my house, I was sure that I would not have an amazing time. I was just hoping it would not be completely awful.
I went to watch a movie by myself. It was a bit boring, and I could not focus on the movie that much because the theatre was the same one Kyle and I had been in the time we had come to the cinema in the middle of the night. I chose the same row he and I had chosen and my mind wandered to him. It had been so good back then, with his hands all over me and the man on the seat beside us giving us glares. I then went to a bookstore, because I could always count on the written word to keep me company. But even though Kyle and I never went to that place whilst we were together, it reminded me of him because of all the books and shelves. Most of my time with him had been spent among those things.
Missing him was almost unbearable. I knew it would get better with time, but right now, seconds seemed to go by so slow. I had never thought that I would depend on someone so much. I had never expected to be so weak and sad. It was embarrassing to care so much.
Then I went to Dream Cream. I was looking for change, so instead of purchasing for the flavor that I always had, I purchased some chocolate ice cream. It did not taste as good for me, but I wanted to switch things up a bit and stop holding on to the past. I sat down on a cold chair alone and took a spoonful from my cup of ice cream. And of course as I was beginning to feel less mad, the last person I wanted to see walked into the store. His brown eyes met mine as fear and sadness washed over me.
"Hey there, stranger," Josh said, walking over to me and smiling as if he was so glad to see me. But I was the opposite of that, I was scared and paranoid. I did not know what he wanted form me and I was not sure I could handle even looking at him in that moment. "Remember me?"
"Fuck you," I said, standing up and shaking my head several times. One of the things I despised most about this town was how I always found people I knew when I wanted to be alone. I grabbed my purse and cup of ice cream and made my way towards the door. "Do not come near me."
"What? You think I will kiss you again?" Josh chuckled, placing his hands in his pockets and staring at me. I passed by him, not giving him a second glance, but he took my hand in his and turned me around so that I was facing him. "No, thank you. You are not as good as I had been expecting."
"Maybe it would have been better if you had not forced me, you bastard," I snarled. His hold on me was strong, the same way it had been that morning at the bookstore. It brought so many memories that I did not want to have. I shut my eyes and said, "Let go of me."
"Come on," Josh laughed. "You wanted it. Still do."
"Let go of me or I will scream," I mumbled. He rolled his eyes but did what I said. It was clear that he did not want people to notice what he was doing. I pushed the glass door open and walked out to the street. But Josh did not leave me alone, he followed me. I looked back at him for a second and said, "You have a girlfriend."
"I know that," he grinned. "She is actually waiting for me at her place. I'm supposed to get some ice cream for her. But how often do I get the chance to catch up with my best friend?"
"Don't you think she would be mad if she found out that you were with me?" I exclaimed as I started to walk once again, with him right behind me. I tried to be quick, but I was wearing high shoes and it was not so simple.
"Oh, please," Josh said. "Even when she heard that I kissed you, she forgave me. She's too scared of what people will say if she breaks up with me. So she's safe, no matter what."
"You are such a jackass," I frowned. I could not believe that someone would be dumb enough to stay with him. I was still not sure how I had fallen in love with him in the first place, I used to think he was sweet and kind. However, he was anything but that, he was repulsive. Even though I did not like Eliza too much, she deserved so much better than Josh. I went on, "I feel sorry that she has to put up with you."
"Right, of course," Josh said in a sarcastic tone. By now, he was walking next to me. He did not even have to chase me because I was not too fast. "How is your boyfriend doing, anyway? Heard you had some problems. Did he forgive you too? Or did he break up with you for being a whore?"
"I'm not a whore," I said, my voice breaking as I stopped walking.
"I think you are, princess," he said into my ear. My knees felt weak all of a sudden, but not in the good way, and he took this chance to push me against the brick wall of a building. "I think you're a whore and a victim. Don't you?"
"No," I said, shaking my head. I had been in that same place before and I did not think I could be there once again. I could not feel as worthless one more time, I had overcome so much, I had survived the worst of heartbreaks. But I doubted I would be able to do it again. "Please, no. I never did anything to deserve this. You already ruined everything. Why do you have to do this again?"
"I'm not going to kiss you," Josh promised. He said it in a sweet tone, as if he was saying something that was supposed to make my heart flutter rather than ache. "I just like that frightened expression you get when I hold you against your will. It is fascinating how much control I have over you."
"You disgust me," I said to Josh. I could feel the wall behind me through the thin fabric of my brown sweater, it was cold and rough, just as his touch. I shook my head and decided that I was not going to watch him do this to me again.
I pushed him and he did not chase me this time as I walked home, exhausted. I realized in that moment that there were two kinds of tired. There was the one when I just wanted to sleep for about twelve hours and wake up all glad and energetic. And then there was the one where I felt worthless and hollow, where I was thinking the darkest thoughts.
The second kind was the worst feeling I had ever experienced, but I could not stop it from spreading across my chest as I went home. I was just exhausted.
-----
Hey!
So the next chapter is going to be the most goddamn insane thing I will ever write and I am so excited for you all to read it. I think most of you will hate me, so you should just remember that there is more to this book and I am not going to finish it like this.
Though I will say, the ending is coming close, I can taste it. And you should know, it is bittersweet!
Tomorrow is Monday and I have school so I should go to sleep now. I really hope you guys have an amazing week and your skin is really clear and your crush tells you you look good.
Good night, everyone!
Thanks for reading! Love you!
-Adriana.