Okay this isn't intended to upset anyone but this looks more into the reasons why she was unhappy at school, as she confides in her mum about what's worrying her. But it contains adult themes so be warned, also it's very long I got carried away 😊
"Grace enough enough" Jacob held up is hands in surrender as Grace out down the water gun and went to lay next to her mother.
"She watched her mum sunbathing a wave of sadness drifted over her.
She fidgeted awquardly trying to get get comfortable and failing, until her mum sat up.
"Everything ok?" She asked again for the second time today. She had had a feeling Grace had wanted to talk to her for days but she never seemed to want to open up, and she hasn't been one to push it. She assumed after this morning it was about this boyfriend or boy that was a friend but now she wasn't entirely sure.
"Talk to me" she asked watching as Graces eyes fell to her body, almost inspecting it.
"It's nothing" she sighed.
"We don't have to talk, but you must be boiling come and sunbathe with me" she smiled at her, trying to get her to confess what was worrying her.
"I... I'm not sure, no I'm ok " she said hesitantly.
"Grace darling is this about what you told me this morning, or is it about you being worried about the scars" she asked softly lovingly, with every ounce of gentleness she held.
"Both" she spoke quietly, looking up at Jacob.
Connie gave him a look and suddenly he strod up to them, "right I'll go get some icecream, I'll be back" he grinned and dissapeared.
She smiled " Mum You know you don't have to dismiss him every time we chat".
"I do if it makes you feel more comfortable talking to me" she smiled warmly.
"So tell me" she asked again. "Tell me his name" she grinned seeing her daughter light up.
"James, he's in the year above" she stopped watching her mums grin fade a little.
"He loves cricket and horse riding, we met at the stables actually and well we've been officially a couple for about two weeks, I really like him mum. Really like him" she grinned at the thought of him.
"He sounds nice so what's worrying you?" She asked moving closer.
"He doesn't know" she said beginning to fidget again,
"About the harming yourself?" She asked gently.
Grace nodded, "well he's been funny since we...." She wasn't sure how to put this. But there wasn't really anyone else she's trust to confide in so she didn't have much choice if she wanted to talk about it.
"Since You what? " Connie asked the bile burining as it rose in her throat.
"We haven't gone all the way, so you can stop with the panicked look .We were just messing around sort of thing, and well I panicked because ..." The tears fell she couldn't stop them.
"Look at me mum, I look like Frankenstein, she lifted her jumper over her head. He won't want to be with me when he sees these, I'm so ugly and horrible and I hate myself for it.
He text me wanting to go to Amy's tonight and I'm scared to go, because I don't know how to tell him, how to explain. I see you and Jacob and how happy he makes you, and James makes me happy but I can't relax because I have this huge secret.
And the more Im stressing about it,.. This is going to sound so pathetic and stupid. But the more I think about it the more more I worry about what he will say about the scars. The more I want to make new ones, what's the point of not doing it anymore if the damage is already done.
I can't even lie in the garden and sunbathe with you without the worry of you and Jacob looking at them". The sobs racked her body as she fell into her mums lap in a heap.
"Oh Grace sweetheart" she stroked her head waiting for her breathing to slow and the sobs to ebb.
"You listen to me, firstly thank you for trusting me to tell me, I've known something was bothering you. Now you are no way ugly or horrid you are a beautiful, kind, wonderful young lady. So don't you ever let other people make you think otherwise, beauty isn't only skin deep".
She traced her hand over the scars on her daughters arm, "every bit of you is beautiful your scars included" she smiled reassuringly honestly.
"Now James sounds like a lovely young lad, if he likes you the way you like him I'm sure he wouldn't even mention the scars sweetheart. He wouldn't care, but it's a new school a new start so I can understand you being anxious about it.
But can I ask you this ...have you never taken your jumper off?".
Grace thought about it "well maybe once or twice to change or something".
"Would he have not noticed then?. And respected you enough not to ask you, or make you feel uncomfortable until you wanted to tell him?" She paused watching her daughter.
"I suppose he might have, but it's different my stomach is worse and well there not sexy are they" Grace said wiping her eyes.
"Grace If he cares about you, he will love everything about you. He won't care, and if he does he isn't worth your time, it's not your fault Grace. But sweetheart you are going to have to deal with this, this issue won't go away. You can't wear long sleeves all summer, you will find at some point it gets easier to just be you.
Especially with me and Jacob, we know we don't care about the scars. We're not looking, it makes no difference to us we love you just the same".
Grace hugged her tightly, "thank you it's just hard, before I didn't have any friends or anything so it was easy to hide it, but when they found out it was awful.
But now I forget when I'm having fun with my friends and then panic because I've let me guard down around people. I don't want to be the freak like I was at my last school" she wimpered.
"They knew, did you tell someone a friend or a teacher?" Connie asked stroking her head.
"A friend, well I thought she was she saw them when I was changing, but she told everyone and they picked on me. They used to post Razors under the door, with nasty notes" the tears burning as they fell down her cheeks.
Connie covered her mouth in horror, "oh sweetheart". "I got used to it, sometimes I was greatful because they send them under the door and they'd be nice and sharp and mine were getting blunt. I used to take comfort at the end of the day doing it, it helped me sleep, it was the day times that were hard being around them as they all talked about me.
PE was the worst, I passed out doing the track because I was too ashamed to take my jumper off in the 40 degree heat. I was worried the teachers would see, I think they suspected so I was sure never to give them proof".
The tears now free fell down Connie's face as she watched her fragile child sob before her, so helpless, she felt sick at how awful that must have been for her. She knew grace had been unhappy to put it mildly but she'd never gone into depth about why beyond, she had no friends hated school. SAMs news girlfriend, Sam away, this only made her more aware there was probably so much worse she hadn't told her.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there sweetheart, I'm so sorry you were ever in that position. I can't imagine how it felt" she wiped her own tears away before running her thumbs across Graces cheek.
"It's ok Mum you dint know, and you came for me" she smiled weakly. "You know that day...When they came to get my from my lesson, they put a fake blood sachet in my desk that had leaked everywhere. All over my books, my work and inside was a bottle of painkiller which they had drawn a smiley face on, "swallow me" written in the lid.
I'd been planning for weeks about hurting myself so much I would be here anymore, but they'd just given me what I needed, it's not easy to get hold of things at the school because we were never allowed out unsupervised.
I was in my way to my room when they got me to say you were there. If you hadn't turned up mum" she lifted her head to meet her mums eyes, watching her mum nod in acknowledgement as she pulled her closer.
She hugged her tightly scared to let go, "I will never ever let you be in that position again, you will never be alone I promise" she cried.
They sat in silence for a long time processing their thought, "so you can see why I'm worried about telling anyone" Grcae whispered.
"I know baby, but take things slowly and when the time is right you will trust him enough. Explain to him you need time, and Grace you really are still young. I know what fooling around is ...." She paused "be careful. I can't tell you what to do and what not to... But your young you don't need to be rushing into anything with boys and sex. There is so much time for all of that, don't jump in and make a mistake. Especially if your worried about his reaction to the scars, you can't trust him enough to have sex with him".
"Maybe your right, I just want to make him happy mum" Grace sighed.
Connie sat up... "Woah... " she took Graces head in her hands "you listen to me don't ever do anything to make some else happy when it comes to ignoring what you want. I'd stand by that with anything. But sex is a big deal don't rush it ... Not for anyone" she said seriously.
Grace nodded "Can I tell you when im read to, so we can talk it over first?" She asked,
"You can tell me anything sweetheart" she soothed her holding her tighter.
She slid the pack of blades from her bag, I used these the other night, I don't want them anymore" she blinked back the tears.
"Is it starting again, you can tell me?" She watched her mums sad eyes flicker over the packet.
"It was just this once, about James. But I feel happier now, I don't want to use them again. I was upset and I didn't have any so I bought them just in case. But then it all got a bit much inside my head so I had a slip. I'm sorry" remorse consuming her as she watched her mum take them.
"Are you sure you want me to have them?" Grace paused considering it then nodding.
"I'll tell you what, you keep them and if you feel like you want to use them, talk to me first and if you still do I won't stop you". Grace looked at her strangely and confused.
"It's control sweetheart, if your stressed and upset and you haven't got a release it likely your actions will be worse. Than if your in control and can make that decision easily. I trust you to talk to me, you've come a long way from when you moved here. We've come a long way" she smiled.
"Your not mad I used them" Grace asked her voice small.
Connie smiled "no I'm so proud of you, because you've realized it didn't fix anything and youve come to me, talked to me. This is how things get better darling, by letting people in trusting us. We will work this out and I'm sure if you and James are right for each other,everything will click into place when your ready. But I'm your mum so I'll always worry but if you talk to me I won't be quite so worried, so it helps me too" she chuckled.
"I love you mum" she hugged her tightly, "I love you too sweetheart, so so much" she kissed her head holding her a while longer before she let go.
"So want to go inside?" Connie asked
"You know what I think I'd like to sunbathe with you mum" she smiled cautiously taking her shirt off to leave a small camisole on, and lay down.
"I'm so proud of you" Connie whispered squeezing her hand.
"Thanks but mum, we've got to change this radio station the music is awful" she laughed.
"Oh ok you choose but nothing to heavy, "
"What about radio 1?" Grace suggested,
"Yeah ok, as Sia came on and she started to sing. Grace laughed before joining in, not even looking up at Jacob came and Kay beside them both handing them ice creams.