I wring my hands together out of nerves, trying to distract myself with whatever was coming on TV and failing miserably. Avery hadn't even arrived yet and I was already acting all kinds of suspicious. She was already going to have a heart attack when I'd confess about the predicament between Jaxon and I. I was only going to make it worse if I acted distraught. The plan was to act as casual as possible about it so that she wouldn't see how hurt I am now that Jaxon has seemingly begun to avoid me and distance himself. I wouldn't count on it, though. Avery could always see right through me.
The sound of knocking on my front door causes me to jump. Jesus. I was acting like I was about to admit to a crime.
Taking in a shaky breath, I get up and walk to the front door to open it. Avery greets me with her signature grin and engulfs me in a tight hug.
"I've missed your ass." She smacks a kiss on my cheek.
"You saw me two weeks ago." I remind her with a smile.
"I'm needy like that." She quips and struts into my apartment.
I've barely clicked the lock when she turns on me, suddenly growing serious.
"What's going on?" She demands.
"Why do you think something is going on?" I try to go for nonchalant, startled that she's on to me before I got so much as ten words out.
"I just know. You seemed nervous when you asked me to come over and you and I both know the last thing we are around each other is nervous." She looks at me knowingly.
I laugh awkwardly. So much for pretending. "Fine. You're right. Can we sit first?"
Avery and I settle on the main couch, sitting cross-legged across each other. She drapes her coat over the back of the coach and gets comfortable, leaning back against the armrest. When we've fixed ourselves in, she raises her eyebrows at me expectantly. Here goes nothing.
"Okay, well. Uh, you see...so I-"
"Emily." Avery stops my stuttering, exasperated. "What up with the hesitation? You know you can tell me anything."
"I know." I groan. "It's just...you probably wouldn't expect this from me."
"Are you gay? Cause I'm totally cool with that." She says seriously.
I roll my eyes because my admission is the total opposite of her assumption. And, like the idiot I am, I blurt out exactly that.
"Kind of hard to swing for the other team when I've been having crazy monkey sex with Jaxon for the past week."
Nice.
The air hangs heavy with pin-drop silence and I cringe from the abruptness of my statement. Okay, not the best way to go. Avery's stricken face and gaping features only confirm as much. I nervously search her face for a reaction but she's still silent and I almost laugh. I was sure she would've screamed bloody murder when-
She screams bloody murder and I throw my hands over my ears. There it is.
"What the hell, Em?! Why wasn't I made aware of this the second he-"
"Yeah, we're close but not that close." I interrupt her.
"Take your sarcasm and avoiding mechanisms elsewhere." She scowls. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"Because," I throw my hands up in exasperation. " I honestly thought it was going to be a one time thing. Hell, I didn't even see it coming the first time around. And then it happened again. And again. And again. And, oh god, this is a mess." I bury my face in my hands.
"Is his package as massive as I think it is?" She grins wickedly.
"Of all things to ask!" Now it's my turn to scowl. "And why are you thinking about his package, anyways?"
"Ooh," her laughter is just borderline evil. "Possessive. You've got it bad, hun."
I stay silent for a few strained seconds before meekly admitting, "Yes. Like, huge."
Her squeal meets my ears. Why was I afraid to admit this to her, again?
"Then why are you acting like this is a problem?" She asks skeptically, eyes wide.
"It's supposed to be just sex. And while the two of us together feels so right, the circumstances definitely don't."
"And why's that?" She looks at me knowingly and I don't miss that she wants to hear me admit it.
"I really like him, Ave." I say softly.
She leans forward, her chin resting on her arms which are splayed across her knees.
"He is gorgeous." She agrees.
"No denying that but there's so much more to it. I just...God. He's so strong and determined and raw. He's lost so nuch but he gives and gives and gives. He's an amazing father and fighter and he can get confused sometimes but he never stops trying. He may be hesitant about me but I could care less because he genuinely makes my days better. He's made me laugh and smile more in these last two months than I have since mom. His sense of humor is dirty but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it. He makes me feel wanted and I know he claims that it's only sex but the way he looks at me sometimes makes me think he wants more. I don't think I could handle it if I was wrong about that." I give a broken laugh and take a deep breath before continuing.
"It's just...I want him. All of him. Even the days he's broody and snappish. Somebody has to accept him, flaws and all, and I'd rather it be me than someone else. I've never felt like this about anyone and I'm afraid he's ruined me for all guys. And I want to do the same for him. I want to show him that this connection we have isn't something to run away from but something to run towards. I want to make him happy and I want to give him and Lizzie a life filled with the love they deserve. I don't even know if I'm the right person for it but I won't stop trying until I am." I finish off my heated ramble with a flush, scared about what I just admitted.
Avery is seemingly shocked into silence, gaping at me with wide eyes and a slightly parted mouth that slowly spreads into the goofiest smile I've ever seen.
"Oh my, God." She laughs. "I think you might lo-"
"No." I cut her off abruptly with a nervous laugh. "I'm not there yet. It's too soon."
Avery scowls at my defensive tone.
"Shut up." She snaps and I recoil from her outburst.
"What?" I question in shock.
"I'm so sick of this notion that love is based on time. You people are forgetting that love is based on what you feel. You can know someone for all your life and not love them the way you love someone you've known for mere months. There isn't a specific time scale that defines when it's appropriate to start loving someone. Every person is different, every situation is different, every connection is different. We can't help the way we feel; we can only choose what we do about it. If you want to base love on time, then fine. But how about instead of thinking that you should spend more time with someone before you can admit to loving them, think about it as time is running out and that you should take the chance of loving them before it's gone?"
This time it's my turn to be shocked into silence. Every word punches straight to my core and I gape at Avery, rendered speechless by how fucking right she is.
"Damn, Ave." I strangle out. "You're really good at this psychology thing."
"It's common sense and what kind of best friend would I be if I didn't knock some into you from time to time?" She smirks.
"You're telling me." I mutter.
"So? Tell me what you really feel about Jaxon now."
"What I feel for him is insanely strong, Ave, and I'm very well on the way to falling in love with him."
"How do you know you're not already there?" She throws back.
"Because a part of me won't let myself love him completely. Not until I know he's ready to take the fight I'm going to put him through." I say firmly.
"That's my girl." Avery grins and I return it with a mischevious one of my own.
"Have you talked to him lately?" She asks and it's enough for the humour to complete dry up.
"He's avoiding me." I tell her glumly.
"What? Why? When's the last time you guys sha-banged?"
"What does that even mean?"
"Does it matter? You know what I'm asking you."
"A couple of days before the match." I admit with a defeated sigh.
"That match was..." She trails off sympathetically.
"It hurt to watch him get hurt." I wince just thinking about it.
"Yeah. It was really bad. Maybe he just needs time to pull himself together before facing you? We don't know what he's feeling right now."
"I don't know. I have the biggest feeling that he thinks he's prioritized me over boxing. In all fairness, he was with me a lot more than he was at the gym."
"True." Avery nods thoughtfully. "He just needs to find how to balance the two."
"That's if he decides to keep continuing this." I say skeptically.
"Please." Avery scoffs. "I can't exactly say how he feels but I've seen the way he looks at you. I don't think he's ready to let go completely."
"And if he does?"
"Then you fight for him. Don't give up until you've done everything you can."
"You're right." I nod with conviction. "I doubt he'll take his head out of his ass until he wins his next match and realizes he can balance both things, but I'll reach out to him nonetheless."
"When's his next match?"
"In another two weeks. We didn't get a chance to discuss details so that's all I know."
"Did you see him after this match?"
"No. Apparently he had to go to the hospital for a checkup and my guess is his pride was hurt more than anything else. He barely let my dad go with him, nevermind me." I'd tried to come and called my dad dozens of times but he was getting suspicious of my urgency and I'd been forced to let it drop. I'd wanted nothing more than to see him and I'd never been more spiteful, in that moment, about our arrangement and the fact that we had to keep us a secret.
"That must've been hard, Em." Avery sympathizes.
"The worst." I sigh. "I was worried out of my mind of his condition and I just wanted to be there for him and see that he was going to be okay. I barely slept that night." I recall bitterly.
"And you haven't talked since?" Avery clarifies.
"I've tried texting but he hasn't replied and he won't pick up my calls either. What should I do?" I release a miserable groan.
"Chase his ass down, dude. Fuck technology and go old school. Head down to the gym and confront him whether he likes it or not."
"You're gonna be a great girlfriend." I grin wryly.
"I know, right?" She quips.
Talk of Jaxon subsides as we decide to have a bit of bonding time and indulge in chick flick marathons, sipping margaritas and cooking a dinner together. It's times like this I wish my best friend was a guy. It would make my life so much easier.
We say our reluctant goodbye's when the day comes to an end, discussing our next get-together. I clean up the light mess we made and get ready for bed. Once I'm settled in, I pull the covers over me and grab my phone off the night stand. I shoot another text to Jaxon which, unsurprisingly, gets ignored and I defeatedly call it a night. I spent most of it tossing and turning and worrying but I use the motivation of seeing him tomorrow to finally let sleep engulf me.
***
I walk into Fighter's Den full of nerves about seeing Jaxon. I honestly don't know if he even wants to see me but I at least want to see him and make sure he's okay.
The guys are training as usual, some exercising and some sparring. I spot Jaxon heatedly working on one of the punching bags and my stomach summer saults at the image. He's shirtless, muscles gleaming and tensing as he practically rips through the punching bag from the sheer force packed behind his assaults. My eyes scan over the fading bruises, the ones on his face a slight yellowish and nearly gone but the huge one taking up the expanse of his ribcage is still a bit purple. I walk closer without realizing it and when I'm near enough to hear his steady grunts and pants, I also notice a faint scar beside his eyebrow that's no more than 3 centimetres. His injuries don't hold him back in the least and I'm convinced he's envisioning the punching bag as his next opponent.
"Done ogling me?" He questions dryly without looking my way or stopping his punches and I startle.
"I was seeing if you're okay." I defend, slightly offended.
"You're not a doctor. I'm fine." His responded are clipped and my hurt increases.
"Oh, I'm sorry for being concerned about you. How rude of me." I snap.
He stops punching, breathing hard, and turns to me. His lips are the slightest turned up but the sliver of humour fades when he glances over my shoulder. I turn my head to see the rest of the guys watching our conversation with equal curiosity and suspicion. Ah, shitballs.
"Hi guys!" I exclaim and internally wince at the fakeness my enthusiasm exudes.
Cameron bites his cheek, rubbing a hand over his face. I make a mental note to ask Jaxon later if he knows something. Nate and Asher warily wave back and Wolfe tilts his head. I jerk my thumb towards Jaxon, faking a laugh.
"Dad said this idiot was being stubborn about his injuries so I thought I'd check up. You guys have any luck getting through to him?" The lie falls through my teeth.
"Nope." Nate chuckles, all traces of suspicion gone.
"I stopped trying after an hour." Asher grins, also no longer suspicious.
Wolfe doesn't look entirely convinced and Cameron smirks knowingly. Seriously, that kid suspects something.
"Your dad isn't at the gym right now." Cameron speaks up and I swear Jaxon's eyes twitches.
"He told me yesterday." I speak calmly through gritted teeth.
I dismiss the boys completely and turn to Jaxon. As long as I act natural, they won't think otherwise.
"Dad wanted me to grab the file with the details of your next match. You probably know where that is. Come on." I command and start forward.
When I notice he's not behind me, I turn back around and find him rooted to the same spot. It doesn't take a genius to figure out he really doesn't want to talk to me but I have the advantage right now. I made sure we had an audience incase he denied me. That would only arise suspicion.
"Problem?" I raise a brow.
He glares, brooding. Unfortunately for him I find his broody side really hot and in no way would that deter me.
"What's up your ass?" Cameron speaks up yet again and this time I'm thankful. I'm still a little freaked out that he's onto us but right now, it's coming in handy.
"You are." Jaxon growls and Cameron and I share an amused grin.
"Come on, Jax." I say sweetly, using his nickname to my advantage on purpose.
His jaw ticks with annoyance but it does the trick. He reluctantly starts following me, all the while balling his fists at his sides and cursing fluidly under his breath. I don't know why this makes me laugh but I look over my shoulder at him with a chuckle. His gaze falls to my lips and stays there and I almost smack into the door of dad's office from the distraction. His chuckle mirrors my earlier one as my glare mirrors his. We enter the office and I click the door shut behind me. Jaxon lazily makes his way over to the desk, perching himself on the edge and crosses his arms.
"What?" He gets straight to the point.
"This would be a lot easier if you stopped acting childish." I'm proud of the steadiness in my voice.
"I'm not acting childish. I have things to do." His repose is curt and I snort disbelievingly.
"What happened to doing me?" I'm feeling a little evil and the way he chokes on thin air is far too satisfying.
"Jesus, Em." He mutters.
I stalk towards him, positioning myself between his spread legs. He balls his fists again and I'd like to believe that this time it's to keep himself from touching me. I bring my hands up to cup his face and watch as he swallows harshly in response.
"I was really worried about you." I say softly. He remains silent, staring at me with blank eyes.
"If you want to stop the sex thing, that's fine. Just let me be there for you."
"It's complicated." His voice sounds flat.
"It's only as complicated as we make it." I counter. He looks unconvinced so I sigh and go for a different angle.
"I know you, Jax. I know you're connecting your loss to the fact that you're spending time with me. That's not fair to either of us. You just have to find a way to balance the two."
"Emily." He starts and my heart sinks a little, knowing what's coming. "I need to get my act together and I just think it's better if we...we take a break. From whatever this is." He lifts a finger and waves it between us.
"Okay." I agree gently. "But pushing me away completely is different from taking a break."
"It's all I know." He goes for indifference but I can tell otherwise.
"Learn not to. You're a fast learner." I joke.
Something momentarily softens in his gaze and he's looking at me like he's desperate to believe what I say. I want to scream that he has nothing to be wary of but that's something he needs to realize on his own.
His hands come to rest on my hips and my breath catches in my throat when he pulls me forward. My hands fall from his face to his shoulders as he grasps my chin to pull my face down. Our lips meet halfway and my arms go around his neck to shift so that I'm pressed flush against him. His hold on my hips tighten and our lips meet over and over again. He sucks my bottom lip between his and swallows up my breathy moan that follows. When his tongue dives in my mouth and meets mine, I curl my fingers in his hair and bring my knee up to rest on his thigh. This aligns us in quite the compromising position and I'm startled when he suddenly pulls away. He stands abruptly and forces my hands to fall off as I stare up at him in confusion.
"We can't." He says between hard breaths.
"Then we won't." I try to calm him down but he's not having it.
"No, Em." His hands come up to fist in his hair the way mine were just a minute ago. "We can't pull that off. I can't even be in the same room as you without wanting to take you as soon as I can. I have to stay away completely or, I, I just-" He cuts himself off and my heart sinks further.
"We can't." He repeats and I try not to wince at his detached tone. "Thanks for checking up on me. I'll see you around."
And with that, he walks out of the room and slams it shut behind him, leaving me wondering what the hell I should do next.
__________________
A/N
Hi, my lovely readers! I'm so sorry my updates aren't coming very often but I'm trying for two a week! Summers and classes should not go together.
This chapter was slightly shorter than my recent ones so I apologize for that as well. The next one will hopefully be longer.
I'm having so much fun writing this but believe me, I want Jaxon and Em to just get together as much as you guys! Very soon, loves. Be patient and good things will come!
I'd like to dedicate this chapter to @jonellepalmer5! Thank you for the lovely comments and for shipping Jaxon and Emily! We love you!
Don't forget to comment, vote and share! Your support means the world to me!
Next update to come very soon! Happy reading xxx
And thank you :)