Camila found strange comfort in mornings.
Maybe it was because in the morning it was still relatively quiet, so she still had time to be alone before the noise would settle in and she had to spend the rest of the day with it.
Maybe it was because in the morning she would look forward to hearing Gabe's tiny footsteps padding along the wooden floor before arriving to the kitchen and attempting to grab a sip of her coffee.
Or maybe it was because Lauren was lying right next to her and she never believed she would ever experience waking up next to Lauren in the morning. She had spent the last 10 years only imagining how it would be like.
Camila imagined things differently.
She imagined waking up to Lauren holding her in her arms and Camila would watch her eyes flutter open and she'd see her gorgeous green eyes light up at seeing her. Her little raspy voice would then mutter a 'good morning' and then smile lazily at her before getting up and going about her day.
Instead, Lauren wasn't holding her. She was turned away from Camila and she knew Lauren was awake. But it was different. It all felt different.
Of course she felt intense feelings at kissing Lauren and then having passionate sex afterwards, but there was obvious tension still between them. Nothing was resolved. And Camila shouldn't have expected sex to solve their issues.
But she would try. It was the least she could do.
Camila sat up on the mattress, still holding on to her side of the blanket and looked over at Lauren. "Hey." She said, biting her lip. "I was wondering if you wanted to get breakfast or something. Just us two. I know a great place—"
"I think you should go." Lauren glanced at Camila before gazing at the wall in front of her, lost in her thoughts.
Camila didn't expect that answer.
"Excuse me?" Camila asked, furrowing her eyebrows.
"You shouldn't have looked for me." Lauren said. "This was a mistake and you need to leave."
Camila felt her eyes water and chuckled bitterly. "Yes, of course you say that right after you fucked me, right?" she asked.
Lauren didn't say anything.
"I wanted to look for you, okay? And I thought you wanted to look for me too." Camila said, gulping.
"There's nothing to find with me." Lauren whispered. "This was pointless." She said as she started to change into some clothes. Lauren threw Camila's clothes on the bed. "Leave."
Camila let out a deep breath before changing into her clothes. "Was I just another fuck in the many stops you have?" she said bitterly.
Lauren didn't reply.
"What happened to me being your fucking sun? Or was that just bullshit so that I'd sleep with you?"
"If you don't leave, I'm going to have someone escort you out." Lauren said quietly.
Camila could feel her insides boil at the words. How could Lauren speak so beautifully last night about how much she had missed her and how she loved her and how she was everything to her but then be this cold to her the next morning? What could have changed overnight?
Camila thought this was it. That she didn't have to spend another day wondering about Lauren or wishing for her to be with her because she'd be right next to her.
Camila has quickly realized that just because the person you missed is standing right next to you does not mean they missed you back.
Sometimes, the only thing the other person will miss is the past and you in it.
What a shitty feeling this was. Camila felt dirty and used. She was just another hook up to Lauren and she really did think for a second that they would pick up where they left off.
"You failed me again." Camila told her coldly as Lauren tried her best to avoid Camila's eyes. "But this time, you did have a choice."
Lauren quickly wiped away a tear.
Camila nodded once. "Goodbye, Lauren." She said as she grabbed her bag and started to walk towards the front of the bus.
Before she could open the door, she felt someone gripping onto her arm and huffed as she turned to Lauren.
"What?" she growled.
Lauren let Camila go and put her hands on her face before bursting into tears.
Camila furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.
How could she go from love to hate to sympathy in a matter of minutes?
Lauren made her go through a whirl of emotions, and she didn't know whether that was healthy or not.
Lauren backed away from Camila and ran a hand through her hair. "I thought you would be enough." She said through her crying.
Camila stared at her, still confused.
"I thought that having you back would take away this...this emptiness. And sadness. And hatred. But it's still here. You didn't fill any good in me and that fucking sucks..." Lauren trailed off before kicking something angrily and groaning in frustration.
Camila felt her heart grow heavy at the confession and stared at Lauren with watery eyes.
Lauren pinched the bridge of her nose before nodding. "So you should go." She whispered. "This is pointless."
Camila shook her head as she walked towards Lauren and pressed her lips against hers. Lauren was surprised by the kiss and pulled away. "What are you doing?"
"Staying."
Lauren furrowed her eyebrows.
Camila kissed Lauren's cheek. "Remember how you found me?" she asked. "I was lost and angry and cynical. I was a fucking mess, Lauren, do you remember that? I didn't see any magic, nothing. Nothing good existed in my mind, but then you came in and slowly brought all that magic back." She said. "So if you can bring magic back into me, then I can do the same. I'm staying. I'll find you again."
Lauren bit her lip. "It's different..."
"It's not different." Camila shook her head. "Do you want to try this or not? Do you want to see if we can work?"
Lauren gulped before nodding slowly.
Camila nodded. "Then come with me to get breakfast. We can start by catching up."
Lauren smiled softly. "Fine." She whispered.
"Okay." Camila said.
The two stayed silent before Lauren spoke up again. "I'm different, you know. I'm not...that Lauren. The old one."
Camila nodded. "I know. We'll find her again."
____________________
Camila drank a sip of her tea and ran a hand through her hair. The silence between her and Lauren was insufferable now; they could barely say a few words without growing quiet again.
"We've been at this diner for about 20 minutes now and we have yet to have an actual conversation." Camila spoke up. "Are we more physical than verbal now?"
Lauren blushed and chuckled. "I don't know what to say."
"You can say anything." Camila shrugged.
"How did you meet him?"
Camila raised an eyebrow before clearing her throat. "Well you're very to the point." She noted before drinking her tea.
Lauren bit her lip. "Sorry that was very—"
"We met at a poetry slam. I did a lot of spoken word in college, and we met at the end of my freshman year of college. He was a sophomore. He liked my poem. And we just kept talking. Then we became friends and talked all summer. By the time we were back at school, we were dating."
"Oh." Lauren replied as she mixed her coffee. "And you married him, obviously."
Camila nodded. "We divorced a few months ago."
Lauren looked up. "Why?" she asked.
Camila took a drink of her tea. "You."
"Me?"
Camila nodded. "You never left my life and I couldn't think of letting you go. So he let me go." She said simply with a sigh.
"He seemed to love you a lot." Lauren told her.
"He did." Camila whispered. "He does." She corrected herself. "But he couldn't handle his wife still pining over someone else which is completely understandable." She shrugged.
Lauren bit her lip. "I'm sorry about that."
Camila shook her head. "You can't control the feelings of other people. You simply watch them feel. And he was done watching me feel for someone else. It's not your fault." She assured as she looked down at her half-empty mug. "I'm a writer, so it's expected to write about people who impact me. I've immortalized you, Lauren. You're in all my writing somehow. You really left a mark on me. And even if the mark erases physically, the feelings it left lingers on."
Lauren smiled softly before chuckling. "Your words haven't left." She observed.
"Well, I don't hide my feelings or let my voice stay quiet. The worst thing you can do is—"
"Silence someone." Lauren finished, looking at Camila. "I remember."
Camila smiled. "I would've hoped you did."
Lauren nodded slowly. "You're, uh, your kid's cute." She moved on.
"Thanks, he got absolutely nothing from me." Camila chuckled. "I would never think he was mine if I didn't give birth to him."
Lauren laughed. "You know, I never really saw you as the type to have a kid. No offense." She said. "I mean, you were an asshole to your little sister and tried to tell her magic wasn't real."
Camila rolled her eyes and chuckled. "I'm not. I didn't want kids, honestly. That just wasn't on my agenda." She said. "But, it happened. I was so careful with everything, but he just happened. I was so pissed when I first found out I was pregnant. I had just graduated college the year before and had my book coming out...Sam was so happy. I was angry. I didn't want to have children and Sam knew this." Camila said. "I didn't want to deal with the pressure of being a perfect mom and making sure my kid was happy. It's too much to handle. And I'm not exactly the most patient person with kids. I was actually planning on...getting rid of... him." She told Lauren guiltily.
Lauren raised an eyebrow. "What changed?"
"I heard his little heartbeat when we went to a doctor's appointment." Camila said. "I just couldn't do it anymore. It sounded so beautiful— his little heartbeat. I fell in love instantly." She paused. "I hadn't fallen in love since you. But...this felt different. It was a different kind of love. A love I knew wouldn't leave me."
Lauren listened, biting her lip at the words.
Camila continued. "So, I carried him and started reading books on parenting and reading books to him while he was in my belly." She chuckled. "I even had him listen to African drums because I read somewhere that it helped with development or something. And then I endured the painful birth experience." She groaned. "Horrible. I yelled at Sam the whole time that this was surely his fault because I definitely took care of my side and he couldn't keep his damn sperm to himself." She shook her head with a laugh. "But then Gabriel came out and he opened his big and beautiful blue-green eyes. It was like looking at the sea. And he was barely born but he looked up at me and gave a little smile. I instantly felt my heart pour in with love for that little guy."
Lauren smiled softly.
"I knew I had to protect him and love him as much as I could. And I've tried to stick to that to this day. He's quite the character and so smart and such a dork." Camila chuckled.
"I can tell." Lauren spoke up. "He did run to look for me, apparently." She chuckled. "Have you told him about me?"
Camila blushed and nodded. "I've told him everything about the circus. He's in love with it. He sees you as this ringmaster God." She giggled.
"Well I'm flattered." Lauren chuckled.
Camila nodded. "I'm sure he'd love you." She said softly.
Lauren smiled softly. "Maybe."
"What about you?" Camila asked. "How have you been? What's happened with you?"
Lauren bit her lip. "Just the circus." She shrugged. "And reading your stuff sometimes and...that's about it." She mumbled.
"I don't believe you."
"Well what else do you expect me to say?"
Camila shrugged. "The truth."
Lauren chuckled bitterly. "It's depressing." She told her.
"I'm a writer, I know depressing. I write about it in my head every day." Camila told her.
Lauren sighed. "Fine. I've cried over you more than I can count how many times I've smiled." She began. "I sleep with any girl who has doe, brown eyes and looks eerily similar to you because it's the closest thing I got to you. At least until I woke up the next morning with them next to me and realized that I never got the chance to wake up next to you and went back to self-loathing because of the decisions I made. But I try to justify it. I was 18, and I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I barely had this circus handed over to me and my dad had passed away and I had the pressure of being the perfect ringmaster AND I fell in love? What was I supposed to do? I couldn't have everything, especially not what I wanted." She scoffed.
Camila bit her lip. "Lauren—"
"But then I realize I didn't try hard enough. I could've fought for you." Lauren continued. "Until I realize how much of a fucking loser I am. I run a circus that's not really my choice, big deal. I never got a chance to see who I really am. Because I never had the choice to discover it anyway. I only discovered two things. And those two things were with you." She said. "That I could love fiercely but that I could also hurt the same way." Lauren felt her eyes water. "I never got to discover the happy medium which is content. I've never felt content over any of my decisions. But who gives a fuck, right? I have a magical circus." she mumbled as she leaned back at her seat.
Camila stared at her.
Lauren met with Camila's eyes and downed her coffee that was nearly cold. "Is that the update you wanted?"
"No." Camila shook her head. "But at least I got something out of you."
Lauren laughed bitterly. "That's the most anyone has gotten in 10 years."
"Well, that's because you don't have to hide from me." Camila told her. "I see you. It's kind of blurry, but I see something. And I'm going to make sure to clear things up for the both of us."
"How can you just forgive me like that, Camila?" Lauren asked.
"What?" Camila raised an eyebrow.
"I left you. And you come back and we have sex and you're acting so forgiving like I didn't leave you for 10 years. You were angry with me the night before, Camila. What changed overnight?" Lauren told her while shaking her head.
Camila looked at Lauren. "I realized you weren't monochromatic either."
Hey. What's up? Helloooo.
I have about two more weeks of speech class and then I have about two or three weeks of break and then I start the fall semester. So I gotta get to work with this story, don't I?
What you should expect from here on out is...fluff, Gabe being wise and adorable, more fluff, angst (obviously), angst, angst, more fluff, and a lot of other stuff I haven't even come up with yet but it will happen.
Believe it or not, this story has helped me release a lot of feelings I have been dealing with for a long time. That's probably why I always have angst in my stories, lol. But I can't thank you guys enough for reading my stories and finding something in them that makes them worth reading. It feels good to be appreciated on something. So thank you guys.
As always
Tumblr: loovelikee-fools (best way to get to me because I use tumblr a lot)
Twitter: @jenniferdontpls (I reply frequently here too so go for it if you wanna talk)
Take care wonderful humans,
Jennifer