Things between my mum and I don't go back to normal straight away but they do slowly get better. It helps that it is half term now as well because we are able to spend more time together. Well we try to but as soon as I go back to school, the exams start so am busy revising. I don't think I have ever been this busy during a school holiday and it is only going to get busier.
Cory and I make plans with Laura, Maddie and Adam to meet up and revise together so we can share notes and try and make it more fun. We meet up in a coffee house and spread our books around the table, along with pens and paper. There is little room to actually fit our drinks on but we somehow manage to make it work. Today, we focus on English Literature, rereading important chapter from Of Mice and Men, highlighting what we need to remember and what is symbolic. All I ever remember is Lenny wanting to tend to the rabbits.
After a couple of hours, all our drinks are empty so Cory and Adam volunteer to get some more for us. While they are queuing, we take a short break otherwise I think our heads will explode.
"I feel like I know this book off by heart." Maddie groans, placing her head on the table.
"Surely that's a good thing?" Laura asks and Maddie just glares at her instead of answering.
"I have a feeling that Maddie isn't a fan of this book." I say to Laura.
"Or any book..." she grumbles under her breath.
I laugh at her because I know she has never been a fan of English Literature and feel a figure looming behind me so at first I assume that it is Cory and Adam with our drinks.
"Can we help you?" I hear Laura ask the figure that is standing behind me.
I turn around in my seat so that I am facing the person and immediately recognise the dark haired girl standing behind me.
"I am looking for Cory Stevens. I got told he might be here." She says, still looking at Laura.
"Lotte?" I ask her, even though I know that it is her.
She looks at me with a puzzled expression but then recognition flashes across her face. "Kristen? Nice to see you again." She says to me and I just smile back at her. I look around the table and see that Maddie and Laura are staring at me with a confused expression on their faces.
"Do you know her?" Laura asks me, still staring at Lotte.
"We met in London, back in January. Literally only for two minutes though. Why are you here?" I explain to the two of them and ask Lotte.
"Like I said, I'm looking for Cory. I was told he would be here." She says to me.
"He's over in the queue. Is everything alright?" I ask her wondering if something had happened to his family which is why she had to come up and visit.
"Oh everything is fine. I just wanted to visit." Lotte tells me while walking over to the queue.
I watch as she saunters over in his direction and tap him on the shoulder. Cory's face is full of surprise when he turns around and sees Lotte standing there. Almost straight away he pulls her into a hug and when they pull apart, I see him introduce her to Adam
"So who exactly is she?" Maddie asks me. I fill them in about how I met Lotte when Cory took me on a date in London and how she was one of his friends when he lived in London. "Why is she here now?" Maddie asks after I've explained.
"That's what I want to know." I tell her but keeping my voice as a whisper because they are walking back with the drinks, Adam just behind them.
"So you've met Lotte?" Cory seems to be asking Laura and Maddie who nod their heads. "Are we able to make room so she can sit down? Move some books over." He asks. We all begin to move our books it doesn't make much difference. The table is still really full with little room.
"Why did you decide to come all this way, other than to see Cory?" I ask Lotte once she has sat down, squeezing herself between Adam and Maddie.
"Well as you know it is half term so I thought I'd come visit an old friend. I've seen Cory's family a few times since they moved back and they also thought it would be a nice idea if I came and visited. So here I am." She says to us as if we are expecting that.
"How long are you here for? And where are you staying?" I question.
"Until the end of the week. For that last part, I don't have that totally figured out. I was thinking of staying at a hotel, the cheapest one I can find."
"Well I'm sure if you can't find anywhere you'll be able to stay at Kristen's. We'll be able to find the space." Cory says to here.
"I'm not too sure we will." I say back. "The space is very limited and there isn't too much of it left you know with everything going on." I say directly to Cory, glaring at him.
"I'm sure we'll make it work." He says back. I just shake my head at him. I don't really want some stranger living in my house, even if Cory does know her.
I try to focus on my work, ignoring the possibility of having a practical stranger living in my house. All the words blur into one on the page, not making any sense. I just can't get my head around the work with too many thoughts swarming around in it. There is no point staying here for much longer.
"I'm going to go now. I forgot I had something to do." I tell everyone while packing my bag.
"Oh." I hear come from Lotte's mouth as I stand up and then I realise that she probably doesn't know that I'm pregnant. I think back to the night I met her, which was the night I decided I was going to keep the baby and I know I definitely was not showing then. I'm definitely showing now.
"I'll leave it to him to fill you in. Though I bet you can guess what happened." I say to Lotte while pointing at Cory.
I don't give either of them time to reply before I walk out. The slight heat from the sun hits my face as I walk out and the frustration hits me. For a moment it seemed like everything was going in the right direction, I was talking to my mum again, my grades are where I want them to be so it gives me hope for my exams and the baby stuff was getting easier to handle. Then Lotte comes along and throws everything off track. I don't even know why I'm so frustrated; all she is doing is visiting a friend, a friend that she hasn't seen for a long time.
If I were talking to Laura or Maddie right now, they would tell me I'm feeling jealous but that's ridiculous because I don't experience jealousy. I've always made sure I've kept my distance in relationships, to never get close enough so someone could hurt me but now I'm starting to wonder if I've failed with doing that this time. I do feel closer with Cory compared to my previous relationships and let's face it; I have never had a baby or lived with any of my ex-boyfriends. Even with all that in mind, I thought I hadn't grown that close to him but if he were to leave me now I know it would hurt me.
I think about this whilst I'm walking home, trying to ignore the looks I get from the strangers I walk past. I've never felt jealous when Cory has been alone with either Laura or Maddie because first of all I know that neither one of them would make a move. Laura is happy with Adam and Maddie has her sights set on someone though she refuses to tell me who. The three of us have all known each other too long to ever do something like that anyway. Lotte, on the other hand, is new. I don't know her and all I do know is that she was friends with Cory before he moved. In my head she is a threat because she is from a part of his life that never included me and I don't know how they used to act around each other.
I'm still thinking about all this when I get home.
"You're home early." My mum says to me before I have had the chance to take my coat off.
"So are you. Why aren't you at work?" I ask her feeling really confused because it is the middle of the day in the middle of the week.
"I was able to take the rest of the afternoon off. I had some holiday hours that needed to be used up. Anyway, I thought you were revising?"
"Well we got interrupted. One of Cory's old friends from London has come to visit and found us in the coffee shop. I couldn't concentrate after that." I explain. "Might and try and get some work done here where it is quieter." I say before going upstairs to my room.
I take my school books out of my bag and lay them on my bed with the intention of doing work but I end up just staring at them. Soon I have tears strolling down my face and then I'm full on crying. Crying over a boy who hasn't even done anything wrong, other than getting me pregnant. I have hormones to blame for every time I break down crying and they only seem to be getting worse. The stress from exams won't be helping me either. At least soon the exams will be over and then that is one less thing for me to worry about.
I try clean myself up a bit because otherwise my mum will start asking questions as to why I have been crying. I stay in there for a while, just staring at my reflection in the mirror until I hear Cory's voice, soon followed with Lotte's.
"Everything will be okay." I tell myself while biting lip. Everything has to be okay because what other choice is there at this point. I hear Cory telling Lotte to wait downstairs as he makes his way upstairs.
"Kris, are you alright?" he asks me when he sees me.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I ask in return, walking out of the bathroom with a fake smile on my face.
"You just seemed to be acting a bit funny back at the coffee house. Mainly after Lotte turned up." He says to me, lowering his voice so Lotte doesn't hear from downstairs.
"More than likely it was shock. I wasn't expecting to see her and I don't even know her. It felt weird having her sat with my friends." I explain to him.
"Okay, I can kind of understand that. You don't like it when new people join your group, do you?" Cory asks me. "I mean you didn't like me hanging around at first and now you're not complaining." He says in a playful tone, getting closer to me.
"That's ridiculous. It's just... I just... I don't know." I stutter at him.
"Come here." He says to me so I do. "You're an idiot who is scared to let people into your life."
"As much as this makes me feel really good about myself, let's leave it there." I say to him in a warning tone.
"I've not finished. And you're also really sarcastic but they are just some of the reasons why I love you."
"Wait what?" I ask jumping away from him. "Love me?"
"Yes, of course I do. Why are you so surprised?"
"We've barely been dating six months and you're telling me you love me. It's all moving too fast for me."
"Moving too fast? We knew each other six weeks before making a baby and this is too fast?" he says to me but his tone is still really calming.
"It just is, okay? Can we leave it for now?" I ask and Cory nods his head. "Good. Anyway, what is Lotte doing?" I ask him after I suddenly remember that she was downstairs.
"She's booked herself into a hotel until she leaves. One that isn't too far from here. I did invite her over here though. I hope that is alright?" I nod at him. I've realised I need to give this girl a chance rather than looking at her as a threat.
"That's fine. She might as well stay for dinner." I tell him and I mean it. Cory looks over at me, smiles and mouths the words 'thank you' at me. We both head downstairs to see Lotte chatting away with my mum. It is my mum who notices us first, then followed by Lotte who gives us a small smile.
"Are you staying for dinner?" Cory asks her and Lotte looks quite surprised by this.
"Are you sure I can?" she asks warily, not wanting to interfere by the sounds of it.
"Of course you can." I say before Cory has the chance to. She gracefully accepts the invitation and joins us for dinner.
The rest of the night goes pretty well and I manage to learn quite a few things about Lotte. She wants to study law after finishing school with the hopes of then becoming a lawyer later in life. She doesn't have any siblings and has known Cory since she was seven. I realise that it is a similar relationship to me and Adam where there is love for each other but in a brother and sister way rather than anything romantic.
Over the next few days Cory ends up spending a lot of time with Lotte but I don't mind. I have to learn to be more open about people rather than shutting them out straight away. Besides, I trust him. If there is no trust, then what is the point of a relationship? He doesn't have a problem with me hanging around Adam on my own, so why should I with him and Lotte?
On the last day of Lotte's visit we all decide to ditch the revision and go out for the day or at least until her train is due. We settle on going into town because it is then easy to get to the train station but there are also plenty of things to do such as shopping (which the boys quickly turned down), and going bowling (which the boys quickly said yes to).
"I'm going to sit it out but I'm happy to watch the rest of you." I tell the group thinking that this is probably best for the baby and honestly, I can't really be bothered playing.
For a while I just sit and watch everyone playing. It makes me happy to see everyone getting along though I do start to feel left out. This is how my life is going to be from now onwards though, everyone else out having fun while I have to think about the baby which gets me thinking, I still haven't felt the baby kick. I am twenty-three weeks gone and the books do say that for first time mothers it can be closer to twenty-five weeks pregnant but it doesn't help settle my mind. What if there is something wrong? I ponder on this for a moment until I realise that all I am doing is making myself worry so I start paying attention to the game again.
Laura is in the lead which isn't surprising because she has always been good at bowling but it looks like she could be about to get beaten by Lotte. She is not used to this kind of competition. I sit back enjoy the show. Lotte ends up winning so Laura suggests making it the best two out of three which is then agreed to but only between the two of them.
"Do you know what? I'm happy losing so I'm not bothered about taking part in a rematch." Cory says to us all.
"I got third place which is good for me so I'm not going to jinx that." Maddie jokes with us.
"You only did that well because I wasn't there to kick your ass." I joke back with her.
"I'd play but I don't want to which I think is a good enough excuse." Adam says honestly which means it is only going to be Laura and Lotte playing.
"I'm going to get something to eat, anyone want anything?" Cory asks us and everyone shakes their head but I decide to go with him.
"I have to say, I'm glad you take losing in your stride." I tease him.
"On the inside I'm crying my eyes out. I can't believe I lost." He jokes back. We go on like this as we wait for the food to be ready.
I'm glad things haven't been awkward between the two of us, after the other night. We spoke about the 'I love you' situation the other night and I told Cory that commitment has never been my thing, which is true. I need to be one hundred per cent sure with how I am feeling because it isn't something I can just say and Cory said he understood all of that. So at least after all of that we have been able to carry on as normal.
When we get back to our lane we see that Lotte and Laura are halfway through their first rematch with Lotte in the lead but not by much. Soon Laura overtakes her and manages to keep her lead for that match and ends up winning.
"It's a good job we said best two out of three." Laura says to her which I think is suppose to be a joke but there is something in her voice which makes me think she isn't going to be so graceful if she loses this next match.
"Bring it on." Lotte says back to her, picking up the bowling ball once again.
"They're going to end up killing each other." I whisper in Cory's ear which makes him laugh along with Maddie who must have heard what I said.
The next game is similar to the last one, it is close the whole time but for a second time Lotte ends up winning and Laura can't quite hide the surprise on her face.
"Are you sure you don't want another match?" she asks Lotte.
"Can't, I have a train I need to catch. But we might just have to play the next time I see you." She says to Laura who just grunts a yes. It's quite funny for the rest of us to see her lose.
We walk with Lotte to the train station so we can say a final goodbye. It has actually been nice getting to know her thought there is a part of me which will be glad to have the group down to just the five of us again. However I wouldn't be against visiting her. I give her a small goodbye and tell her it was nice getting to know her properly and to let us know when she is coming to visit, rather than just surprising us. It's Cory who takes the longest to say goodbye, which is understandable. He hugs her and tells her to take care of herself and that she now needs to give him regular updates on how his family is doing which she agrees to do. She then boards the train and we watch it leave.
The rest of us decide to hang out a little bit longer but it isn't long until we decide to go home. I'm beginning to feel tired after being out all day and all I really want to do is put my pyjamas on. Cory and I have a chilled out night where we order pizza and watch TV but I decide to go to bed early.
I wake up in the middle of the night to a strange feeling. It takes me a minute to realise what it is but then I figure out it is the baby. The baby is finally kicking. I look over at the clock and see that it has just gone past one in the morning and look over at Cory sleeping. I wonder for a moment if I should just let him sleep but then I think about how he would probably be annoyed in the morning.
"Cory, wake up." I whisper to him while tapping him gently.
"Hmm, what is it?" he says very sleepily.
"It's the baby. It's kicking!" I tell him, feeling very excited about it all.
"What?" this wakes him up and sits up quickly in bed and places his hand on my bump. "Wow it really is kicking. This is amazing." He says to me and I just smile at him.
"I know." I lean forward and kiss him. Right now, even though my life is mess up and is not going how I thought it would, everything feels perfect.