The whole world feels like it's crumbled down around me. Everything I knew, everything I had thoroughly planned out and thought through isn't important anymore.
I just got my dream job at one of the biggest law firms in the country. I've barely been there a year and I worked so hard throughout college to have the opportunities I do now.
Xavier doesn't want to have children. He's told me that so many times and to make matters worse, he's more stressed out than usual. Plus, we're getting married in less than two weeks.
Could my luck get any worse?
"Oh Grace" I don't realise I'm sobbing until Arnica wraps her thin arms around me, squeezing me tightly. "Everything's going to be okay."
"What if he leaves me?" I whisper as she frowns. "He'll be so angry... He's going to hate me."
"Xavier would never hate you, he adores you." She reassures me softly and wipes more fallen tears from my cheeks. "He'd never leave you Grace."
"What do I do?" I'm barely able to stand, I'm shaking that much. "I don't know what to do or how to tell him."
"I'm going to help you get ready at my house. Xavier can come and pick you up and you can have a nice romantic dinner and tell him afterwards. You have to tell him today, the longer you leave it the worse it'll be when he finds out."
"I'm scared" I admit honestly and she nods, whispering a quiet "I know."
*
"Okay" Arnica smiles reassuringly a few hours later. "You look beautiful." The dress she chose is simple but nice, it end just above my knees and hugs the curves I'm usually insecure about. If I wasn't freaking out so much, I might be able to appreciate it more than I am right now. "Xavier will be drooling when he sees you."
"I don't think - "
Noah opens the door and strolls in, pausing when he sees us both. "Woah - you look really nice Grace" Arnica grins at me confidently when I send him a small smile in return. "Xavier's here now."
"Oh God, I can't do this" Arnicas face falls and Noah looks beyond confused. "I think I'm going to be sick" I admit. I've never felt scared telling Xavier things before but right now, I couldn't be more terrified.
"Just stick to the plan" Arnica grips my shoulders. "You look amazing, Xavier loves you - everything will be fine. I promise."
"Am I missing something?" Noah asks, staring at us both as Arnica looks at me and then back at him. "It's just dinner."
"Um " I nod when she asks silently if she can continue. I know he'll find out from her anyway. "Grace is pregnant."
At first Noah's face is blank, then shock becomes evident as a small smile widens on his lips.
"Congratulations" he says, but I can see the same look on his face that I must share - uncertainty.
Xavier's obviously shared his opinion of not wanting kids to Noah as well at some point.
"I'll walk you to the door" he says. Arnica hugs me one last time, wishing me good luck again.
I'm thankful Noah's here, he knows Xavier better than anyone else I know. "What do you think he's going to do?" I ask quietly, nervously.
Noah sighs heavily as we walk down the long stair case. "Honestly" he pauses. "I don't know."
I nod but don't say anything, I'm worried if I talk I might cry. I've never been this scared of anything before.
"All I know is that he loves you, a lot. Yes, maybe he doesn't think he'd be a good Dad, but I think once he has time to process it he'll be fine. Especially since it's you, you mean the world to him."
"Thanks Noah" I whisper when he pulls me in briefly for a tight hug. He smiles slightly and glances at the front door I know Xavier will be standing outside of.
"Good luck, we'll always be here - for all three of you."
I swallow, breathing in as much air as I possibly can before I pull the door open.
Xavier stands there, a single red rose between his fingers as his eyes openly wonder across my body. My eyes quickly do the same to him. How he can always look so effortlessly perfect will always amaze me.
I feel incredibly insecure, not only because of this dress which is different to my usual style, but because some stupid part of my brain feels like I have I'm pregnant written across my face and he's going to lose it at any second.
"Wow" he breathes, the smile he sends me almost calms my nerves for a few seconds. "You look.... so beautiful." His fingers extend the flower to me and I thank him quietly, doing my best to muster the most believable smile I can pull together.
"Ready?" I nod, slipping my much thinner fingers through his as he leads us towards his Range Rover. I have to swallow multiple times before I'm able to speak.
"What made you decide to do this?" He looks at me as he opens my passenger door. "Dinner, I mean."
He shrugs, an adorable smile making its way to his lips. "I feel like I've been to busy to spend any time with you lately. This is kind of my way of making up for it."
"You don't have to make it up to me, I know you get busy" I watch him as he effortlessly climbs into the large vehicle. He starts the engine as I twiddle my fingers nervously. "Thank you for doing this though."
"You don't have to thank me for taking you to dinner" he shakes his head lightly, the smile still on his lips as he looks across at me. "You really do look beautiful Grace."
"Thank you" I whisper. I try my best to sound normal as he turns the stereo up quietly for background noise and places his hand on my thigh, squeezing it gently.
The ride is silent except for the radio, not an awkward silence just a comfortable one. Well, comfortable for him maybe.
My eyes stare at his tattooed hand on my thigh the entire time. His thumb rubs small circles into my skin as he drives. I desperately want to break down and cry, tell him everything and then have him wrap his arms around me, tell me everything will be okay but I'm scared it'll be opposite. I'm terrified.
We pull up to a fancy yet cozy looking restaurant with a few people bustling around outside. "I've heard it's good" Xavier says, looking at me as he does. "But if you want to go somewhere else we can?"
"No, no here is great" I answer, the last thing I care about right now is eating.
He seems relieved as he climbs out of the car and I follow him, not missing the way the few women walking past openly look him up and down.
His hand touches the small of my back as he leads me into the classy looking glass doors. The younger man behind the desk openly gulps as he sees him. "Mr Black" he greets politely, collecting what looks like two menus. "If you both don't mind following me to your table."
I stay silent the entire time, all I can hear is my heart racing faster than it ever has before in my life. "Can I get you anything to drink to begin?" The waiter asks once we've sat down, notepad in hand.
"Your most expensive bottle of red" Xavier says, meeting my gaze.
"Can I get a glass of water to please?" I ask quickly, suddenly realising I can't drink. The waiter answers with a polite 'of course' before disappearing. I'll only be able to hope Xavier doesn't notice when I don't touch the alcohol.
"So" I breathe, trying to keep myself as together as I possibly can. "How was your day?"
Smooth Grace, real smooth.
"I've had better" I swallow dryly at his honest answer. "I guess things are just a bit hectic right now."
"Is everything okay?"
He glances briefly at the table before he looks back up at me again. "Kind of" he admits, which is more than I usually get from him. "You don't need to worry about it anyway, how was your day?" And we're back to secretive Xavier all over again.
How was my day? Well I found I'm pregnant and now I have to somehow find a way to tell you but I'm terrified you'll leave me and never speak to me again I mumble internally.
"Good" I answer instead, sending a small smile towards him.
I'm terrible at his, I know he'll able to see straight through me and my horrible act.
"Are you okay?" I move my hands to my lap to hide my fingers shakiness but his larger hands clasp over mine before I can. "You look like you're about to cry" he frowns, an expression I hate seeing on his face.
"Hi" I pull my hands away, placing them on my lap. A young waitress appears at the table and smiles only at Xavier, who hasn't seemed to notice her appearance yet. He stares at me with calculating eyes. "I have your wine" She places it and two glasses on the centre of the table. "And water."
I thank her quietly but she only flicks her pony tail in my direction. "Would you like anything else Sir?"
"No" he answers coldly. I don't think he even glanced at her that entire time. She looks disappointed as she mumbles a quiet okay, disappearing from the table again.
"That was rude" I tell him but he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't touch the wine bottle either, but he does stare at me and I feel extremely uncomfortable. "What?"
"Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
"Because nothing's wrong" I whisper, I've never been able to lie to him. Sadly, I haven't been able to magically start today. "Just tired, I guess."
"Grace" His voice is soft but I can hear the edge of warning to his tone. "You know you can always talk to me right? About anything."
"I know" my emotions are to high for me to be able to do this right now. I can already feel the tears well in my eyes as I glance at the ceiling, trying to contain them.
"Hey" his hand reaches across the table, cupping my chin with his fingers gently. "Now I know there's definitely something wrong."
"There's not" my voice cracks as I pull my bottom lip between my teeth. Xavier's thumb immediately catches the tear that falls. "I'm just really tired."
I watch as he signals for the first waiter who immediately comes to the table. "Sir?"
"Can we get the cheque?" he says it as a question but it's not, it's a statement. My eyes go wide as I stare at him.
"You're finished already?" The waiter looks at us both. "Sir, you'll be paying $500 for a full bottle of wine you haven't touched."
"Does it look like I care about a bottle of wine?" his rudeness catches both the waiter and I off guard.
"Uh... No" the waiter places a cheque quickly down on the table and disappears. I don't blame him, I wish I could do the same.
"Xavier" I look across to him as he scribbles on the paper. "That was so rude, what are you doing?"
He places the cheque on the table once he's finished. "Grace you look like you're either about to pass out, or break down" he says as he stands, offering his hand to me and pulling me up on my feet. "I don't want you doing either of those two things in here."
"Xavier - " He looks down at me, with so much intensity that it's almost impossible to look anywhere but him. I suddenly have no idea what I should say.
"It's alright" his arm wraps around my waist tightly and his lips kiss my forehead before I can decide what to say. "Let's just get you out of here so you can calm down."
I totally blew Arnicas plan. I'm to pathetic to be able to keep myself together and I don't know what to do when Xavier leads me out of the restaurant.
Once we get to the car he stops and looks down at my trembling fingers, the way he looks at me makes me want to crumble right then and there. When another tear slips from my cheek I can't stop the words from tumbling out of my mouth.
"Please don't hate me" Xavier's eyes soften, so much so that I'm almost taken back.
"What?" He asks, but I only see his confused face for a second before he pulls me into his chest, hugging me so tightly I'm barely able to breathe. "Nothing could ever make me hate you, I love you - so much."
"This might" I whimper as he hushes me, squeezing me gently as I hide my face into his chest.
"No it won't" his voice is so quiet yet calm and reassuring. "God baby please don't cry, I hate seeing you cry." The word baby escaping his lips doesn't make me feel any better. I can barely look up at him when he tries to see my face. "You're starting to scare me" Xavier, scared? "You're not sick or anything are you?"
"No" I whisper and I can almost feel the relief radiate off him in waves until a small sob escapes my lips. "I'm so sorry."
"Sorry for what Grace?" His lips are directly beside my ear but I keep my head against his chest, unable to look at him as he tenses. "Have you done something? Did I do something?"
"No - well" I don't even know how to begin to explain it. "I don't know, but I should've been more responsible."
"Grace you have to tell me what's upsetting you. Have I hurt you?"
"No - I - it was both of us." That's my failed attempt of an explanation.
I know he's still beyond confused as to why I'm a sobbing mess in his arms in an empty restaurant carpark.
"Grace" he grips my chin with his fingers, forcing me to look at him as I tremble in his arms. "Tell me what's wrong."
"Please don't yell at me" his grip on my chin loosens as soon as I say that and he frowns immediately, lowering his face closer to mine.
"I would never yell at you Grace" he whispers, his face is so close to mine our noses are almost touching. I know know I've soaked his shirt with my tears when my hands press against his chest. "Please just tell me what's going on, you're starting to freak me out."
"I'm - I -"
I stumble out, wincing before I've even say the words. One of his hands touch the back of my neck, massaging the skin softly as he runs his lips against my cheek. He kisses away my tears as I close my eyes tightly and gather the courage to force myself to tell him.
"I'm pregnant."
There, I've said it. Two simple words that will change both of our lives and our relationship forever.
I don't open my eyes, but I feel his lips move away from my skin and nothing but terrifying silence falls over us.
"What?"
When I finally get the courage to open my eyes Xavier's staring at me. His face is so unreadable it's like staring at a concrete wall.
I have no idea whether he's furious, or to in shock to feel any kind of emotion. His arms are no longer around me as I wipe more tears from my cheeks.
"Did you stop taking the pill without telling me?"
"Of course I didn't" my voice is squeaky from crying so much. I feel absolutely broken as he continues to stare down at me, I don't think he's blinked once.
"How can you get pregnant if you're on contraceptives?" His voice is stone cold, like his face. Surprisingly, sticking to his word - his voice doesn't grow any louder than before.
"Do you remember a couple of months ago when we all went to Las Vegas Toms birthday. We both got really drunk and I vomited for two days straight afterwards?" I can immediately see the realisation fall on his face and he steps back. "I think it was then."
"How long have you known?"
Again, I can't find any emotion in his voice to know what on earth he could possibly be thinking.
"I've had symptoms for a couple of weeks, but I thought it was stress" I feel so weak and worthless under his burning gaze. "I only took the tests today."
He's so tense and aggravated that he almost looks like a bomb about to explode at any moment.
I have no idea what to do so I just stare at my feet.
"I'm sorry Xavier" I whisper, he still hears me, but he doesn't look at me.
He looks so angry and it terrifies me.
"It's not your fault" he says, but he sounds beyond annoyed. "I shouldn't have let myself get that drunk. I should've been more fucking careful."
"Please don't get angry" I whisper, flinching at his foul language. He never intentionally gets angry in front of me, and definitely not at me. All I can do is stare at him when he looks directly at my currently flat stomach.
"What am I supposed to be?" He questions. "This is such a fucking mess. We're getting married in two weeks remember? How the fuck was I that stupid?" He stops abruptly and looks at me for the first time since I told him. I know my makeups smudged everywhere across my face and I'm crying a ridiculous amount. "Fuck - I - Grace -" he steps towards me cautiously and the colour drains from his face. "I'm sorry. I know it's not your fault."
My arms tighten around around him as soon as he pulls me back into his chest. He cages me in his arms and wraps me in some kind of protective shield from everything that's just happened.
He pulls away from me enough to be able see my face, gently tilting my chin and placing his lips heavily over mine for only a brief moment.
All I can do is stare at him and his horrified face as he cages me against the car with his arms. Relief already fills me knowing I've told him now and my fingers brush across his cheek as he stares down at me.
"I don't know what we're going to do" he breathes and watches me carefully as he says this."I don't deserve you" his gaze flickers back down to my stomach for a brief moment. "Either of you."
"You do" I whisper, my eyes run across the scar along the side of his neck, he's been through so much in so little years. "You deserve both of us."
He says nothing, but his lips press against mine before I have time to say anymore.