"The quietest people, have the loudest minds."
Despite me praying to almost all the gods I could think of, when Tuesday rolled on, football day. Levi approached me.
Let me explain my own sheer stupidly from the beginning. I woke up, thinking it would be any other stress free day of learning. I woke up slightly earlier this morning as I wanted to wash my hair. Which I did. I reminded myself to buy some more shampoo, which further pushed Levi’s ‘promise’ from yesterday back. I got dressed and wet downstairs for breakfast to be met by my mother’s scowl. Today I looked like a boy. Well, I usually didn’t look very “lady like” according to my mum, but it seemed to day in particular that she didn’t like my outfit. She asked me if I had borrowed the Timberlands on my feet from my brother (which I didn’t by the way). Her comment pushed Levi further back (if that was even possible) into my mind. I started thinking to ways of taping my mother’s mouth shut. I put on a coat as today, even I had to admit looked extremely cold. As I walked to the bus stop, I remembered that I would have to walk past the security guards today after yesterday. My heart would race a little as I thought about all the things they would say to me. As I sat on the bus, with thoughts of taping my mother’s mouth shut, finding a way to get into the school without passing the security guards and trying to remember how much money I had in my account to buy my shampoo after college, Levi completely slipped my mind.
As I walked closer and closer to my college gates, I seriously contemplated jumping over the fence. I could easily make it, and I was dressed for this anyway in my ripped jeans and Timbs. I had convinced myself I could make it and was now only waiting for the road to thin out so I could jump over. I tried to stand there inconspicuously. I played with my phone, looked at the pigeons fighting for bread and admired my black nail paint. Along with my hair, I took great pride in my nails. It had taken me nearly three years to kick the habit of me biting them and now I enjoyed the fruits of my labour. I spent an hour every Sunday between 1 and 2 painting my nails and designing them. I was lucky that I was artist and had steady hands, so I was able to always have elaborate designs on them. Once or twice people stopped me and asked me which nail bar I had gotten my nails done. I don’t know why, but I lied and said a random nail bar in Peckham.
“Princess?” I shifted my weight to my right leg and turned to meet Jason. He had stopped in the middle of the road in his car. Well, it really wasn’t the middle of the road as our college road was never busy, it was college kids driving in and out, but still, he didn’t own the road to just stop. If he turned up on Crimewatch I would report him! “What you doing? Aint you gonna be late for first lesson?” Jason asked. I looked at the person in his passenger seat. Richard. He only looked up once when Jason had first stopped, and since then he had played on his phone. I did notice that when he did look up, his eyes lingered on me.
“Yeah, I’m just waiting for someone.” I lied quickly. I patted myself on the back inwardly, I was getting pretty good at lying. My response time had improved since last year.
“Alright, have you thought of an answer to my question?” I remained silent. “Do you even remember my question?” I nodded. I really did remember it, but I just didn’t have a reply. Jason’s stupid question was all that had been on my mind for some time now. “Make sure you have an answer by the next time I see you.” I nodded as he drove off. Cars had been honking at him to move for a bit. I blushed as people finally drove past me shotting me angry looks.
After that, I decided to face the music and pass the security guards. I walked past them with my head held high. I even waved at them, and they smiled and pointed at my jacket. I put my thumbs up and went to my first lesson.
Ok. That’s how it should have happened. What really happened was that as a group of girls were walking in, I tried to blend with them. I showed my ID card, covering my face, and once I was in, my eyes never left the floor as I walked to my first lesson, RE.
For some crazy reason that only the great creator could explain, Lydia had moved into my RE class. I was so confused when I walked in and she was sitting in what was my seat. She and all the people around her seemed to be involved in a big discussion. Every few seconds they would burs tout into laughter. This carried on until the teacher walked in. She waved at Lydia, but slowed down when she saw me. See, because Lydia was sitting in my seat and I didn’t want to sit anywhere near the Devils spawn, I sat the front.
“Are you new to the class?” Can you believe, she asked me, who had been here since day 1, if I was new. But she waved at Lydia. I shook my head. Was I really that invisible? Really? I knew I was quiet but Jesus, she did the register for the past month and I had always been here. I sighed and played with my nails letting myself escape into my mind.
I went back to thinking about Jason’s question. What motivates me? What motivates us Satiah? I think I had come to an answer the second he asked me, but I just didn’t…
I don’t know. I didn’t want to open up about something like that to someone like him. What motivated me was to succeed and throw dirt in most people I knew faces. I don’t think I wanted to admit out loud that what motivated me, was motivated by other people. I knew I was the underdog, but when all these college Queens and Teenage dreams were living in council flats with six kids by 6 different people, and I had a stable home and steady job, I’d be the one laughing. The status quo will mean nothing in a couple of years. I shook my head and decided to think about something else. I did succeed slightly, I wasn’t think about the question Jason asked me, instead, I was thinking about Jason. I think I was confused. I couldn’t deny that he gave me butterflies, and that my mind liked to imagine…scenarios shall we say about him, and according to Wikihow, those where the key signs that you liked someone. But I didn’t like him! And even if I did (which I don’t) did I like the attention, or did I like Jason? Jason was a heard person to like, for starters, he didn’t like Kanye West. But he was smart, and he was attractive, and nice very blue moon he could be slight funny, maybe I-
“Why don’t we ask the new girl what she thinks?” The person next to me nudge me and pointed to the teacher at the front. I turned to look at her who was standing there waiting for my answer.
“New girl?” I closed my eyes slowly to stop me breathing fire. I had told her, I was not the girl, Lydia was. “I’m sorry, that was rude of me. What’s your name sweetheart?”
“Satiah.”
“What a lovely name. I’m sure I’ve heard it before.” Yeah, when you did the register for the past month and I was here! I rolled my eyes and decided to ignore her.
“So, do you think being gay is something you’re born with, or you decide?” You are born gay. You can’t tell me that people all over the world, DECIDE to be gay, knowing that they would be persecuted and killed in some cases. Why would someone chose to be something that some societies stupidly look down on?
I thought this, but in reality, I just shrugged. The teacher just smiled and turned the discussion back to the class. I decided to actually listen in on this topic as I didn’t want my mind to think what it was going to think.
“There’s a big difference between disagreeing with someone sexuality, and being homophobic.” I actually had to turn around to see what idiot had said that. And of course, it was Lydia. That was probably one of the stupidest things she had said in a long time, and remember she said ‘Blood on the Trees’. Her statement absolutely baffled me. You can’t disagree with someone sexuality. It’s not yours! It’s not up for discussion babe. This isn’t an essay where you can disagree with me. I mean them, you can’t disagree with them. I can’t go to an Indian person and say, hey, I don’t agree with you skin colour. It’s not a choice. I sighed and bit my tongue before I said something I would regret. Idiot. For the rest of the lesson, the whole class basically said being gay was wrong, but they tried to tip toe around it. If I cxck I like cxck. If I like pxm pxm then I like it. You and your ‘disagreement’ can go and spud the devil.
I left RE in the foulest most I had ever been in since I started this college. I had a break, then Biology, then Lunch. I spent the whole break time but shaking my head at the sheer stupidity of the society in this school. I was really surprised by some of the black people that spoke the worst about gay people, and yet these same people cry wolf when they don’t get hired for a job because of their skin colour. It became clearer to me what motivated me, I didn’t only want to kick dirt in all their faces, I wanted to throw all the sand of Egypt in their eyes.
I was going to get amazing grades and attend a Russel Group University when I finish college, and between that, I was going to find a way to kill Lydia (hypothetically... of course), but most importantly, my own happiness motivated me. If I didn’t want to speak, believe you and me, I would not speak.
By the time I went to Biology I was still reeling over the comments made in RE. I walked into Biology and quickly realised my teacher wasn’t in. I knew because she was a tall slim white lady with curly blonde hair. The person writing the date on the board and the work we had to do was a short fat black man. She had not been in class for the past two lessons, she better be on her death bed. I took my seat at the back of the room, as usual and took my books out. Jason walked in soon after me, speaking to the same girl he was speaking too yesterday. Who was this chick? She had just flew in from nowhere. Even after Jason said bye and took a seat next to me she still watched him. Could she watch her books please? I knew she was terrible at Biology (lord knows why she picked it), she needed to watch that E grade rather than watching my Jason. I mean Jason.
“Princess.” He simply stated. This was another one of this greeting. I nodded back starting to write the date in my folder.
“What’s up?” He too put his bag down and took his folder out. I shook my head. There was a lot on my mind, but I would save that for my murder journal tonight. I started re-taking notes on meiosis and mitosis. Jason was relatively quiet today, but I would see him from the corner of my eye looking at me. At first I thought he was copying my work, but when I looked down at his folder he had done a lot more than me.
I heard Jason breathe in and prepared myself for one of this stupid questions. “Why are you so shy?”
“What makes you think that?” I knew what made him think that, but I need to buy myself time. That question had actually threw me off.
“You’re so quiet.” I looked to see in anyone could hear our conversation. They were all too busy not doing work. Except for that one girl. She was sitting on the side at the front and I could see her constantly looking back at Jason and whispering to her friend. Could she whisper to the teacher for extra help please? That E grade aint gonna solve itself.
I blinked away from her and back at Jason. “So because I don’t shout I’m not confident?” I asked almost confused. Jason could see that he was on a rocky path now. He opened and closed his mouth looking for the right words. He better choose them carefully.
“I’m not saying that. I’m just making an observation.”
“You’ve observed I’m quiet. I agree, but how did you come to the conclusion that means I’m not confident?”
“I never said you’re not confident.”
“But you said I’m shy, which implies that I lack confidence.” Jason scratched his head. He could tell that he had hit a nerve. And he did. I was sick of people thinking that I was this shy timid flower. Nah, I was a weed boo. I will kill destroy your garden boo. I looked at him waiting for his answer. I cut my eyes at him and returned to my work. Did Jason think this was some movie and I was that ‘shy’ girl who he could come and control? Like Patrick said, this isn’t power, my name isn’t Aaliyah. I only got more angrier at Jason until I realised I was angry at him because I assumed he liked me, and I was assuming he thought he could come and be that strong cool guy who gets the ‘shy’ girl in movies. Which he didn’t, this got me angrier because why didn’t he like me? Was I too ‘shy’ for him?
“Have I pissed you off?” He asked after some silence. I nodded. He smirked. I looked up at the stupid girl was still chatting to her friend, clearly about Jason. I knew he noticed it too, you couldn’t miss it.
“Who is she?” I asked. He followed my eyes and saw the girl.
“Bec?” Stupid name for a stupid girl. Even her stupid name has a stupid E like her stupid grade. “You know her?” Jason asked. I shook my head. “Then why do you wanna know who she is?”
“She keeps staring at you.”
“So?”
“What do you mean so? It’s annoying.” He looked at me. I turned at faced him, though I was only able to look him back in the eye for like a mili second before my heart nearly gave up on itself.
“I don’t find it annoying. Why do you find it annoying Princess?”
“Why do you think I lack confidence?” I tried to look him in the eye and once again I failed. Me and heart needed to have talks about the way it reacted to Jason.
“For one, you don’t look me in the eye. Why do you find Bec looking at me annoying?”
“Because she needs to look at her book, we’re in school. That is a stupid reason. I can barely look my mother in the eye” (this was a lie. I looked at my mum in the eye for ages all the time to agitate her. But like I said, my lying had improved so he never caught that)
“Ok. You didn’t let me kiss you. That is a stupid reason too Princess. You don’t look at your book the whole time in college do you?”
“What do you mean I didn’t let you? And no. We are in lesson Jason. She’s failing, she needs to focus.”
“I mean that after your brother opened the door you basically ran from me. And Bec works hard at home.”
“No. You didn’t try to kiss me after he closed the door. Why do you know what she does at home Jason?”
“So if I had tried you would have let me?”
“No.”
“That’s what you just implied Princess.”
“Well…” I was trying to find something smart to counteract that but I couldn’t. Once again, my mouth had betrayed my brain. This was why I didn’t speak often, what I wanted to say, and what I said, were two different things. Jason chuckled and turned me head to face him. Why did him touching me send tingles around me?
“Look me in the eye for more than 3 seconds and I will believe that you don’t lack in confidence.”
“So you admit you think I lack in confidence?”
“Yeah I do. Prove me wrong then.” I was ready to prove that I didn’t lack in confident. I was a confident person, just not in every aspect, no one is. I turned ready to look him in the eye when stupid Bec popped up.
“Jase, can you help me with mesios. I really don’t get it.” How could a biology stupid pronounce meiosis wrong? It really did baffle me. Jason looked at me, but my eyes had returned back to my book and I ignored both of them.
“Yeah, I’m coming. “ I heard Jason’s chair screech and him walking towards the idiot.
*
Now, you can understand after this day I had, how Levi really and truly, was the last thing on my mind.
And you can understand, how my heart sank slowly, and how everything happened in slowly motion, when he saw me, and I saw him, and a smile crept across his face.
What happened, was this:
Biology finished and after Jason came back I didn’t want to speak to him anymore. He realised I wasn’t in the mood, but this didn’t stop him talking to me though. I had to bite my tongue down every once in a while sot stop myself laughing. I was angry at him and he knew it. So the bell went for lunch, Jason went one way to get ready for the football match. I went towards the toilet. When I sat down, I remembered that I absent-mindedly didn’t go to the shop this morning, meaning I had no lunch. Yes I eat my lunch in my stalls.
The eerie silence should have reminded me today was football day. The fact that Bec was in black leggings and a gold jumper, should have reminded me today was football day.
It was when I walked past the fields just at the bell went for what I assumed was half time, did I realise. When the bell went I turned to see where it was coming from, the football pitch of course. Out of sheer curiosity, I looked. I looked at the people’s faces, I could see that my college was winning by the grins on people’s faces. I could never rely on the girls faces, even when we lost they smiled. I notice Natasha handing Richard his water bottle. I wasn’t the only one who noticed, all the girls did. Natasha flicked her hair back and laughed at something Richard said. I had to applaud her, she had the whole college thinking that they were together. That was all girls were talking about in the toilet these days.
I was scanning the football pitch as the other team walked towards their bags on the outskirts of the field, near me, when I met Levi’s eye. It was weird, with Jason, I really and truly could not keep his gaze. It felt like two opposite magnets, but with Levi, even though my heart was pounding, my eyes didn’t leave his.
I noticed all the girls noticed too as Levi walked towards me. Richard noticed too.
“Where did you get your top from?” I looked down at my jumper. It was a printed jumper, a painting of judgement day. There were people going to hell, and some people raising to heaven. My mum liked the top because she had seen the painting in church before, she didn’t understand I was wearing the jumper to try to undermine her.
“I got it online.” I replied. I could feel nearly the whole pitch’s eyes on us. Even the coach. The only consolation was that we were out of ear shot with everyone.
“Online where?”
“The internet.”
“Which website?”
“The website.” He laughed at me as he put his head back and squirted water in his mouth. His eyes didn’t leave him. He came back down using the back of his hand of wipe of excess water.
“You’re still mad about the sweet?”
“What do you mean ‘still mad’? It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet!” He just laughed at me. His eyes never left mine.
“What if I said I’m sorry?”
“I’d say vomit up my sweets.” He looked at me as if it was a dare. He chuckled. He drew two hands and started to put it down his throat. He actually started gagging. I stood there with my mouth open. I pulled his hand away from his mouth and he didn’t stop laughing.
“You weren’t actually making yourself sick?” He shook his head laughing. I pushed him, it might have seemed playful because I’m weak, but it was an angry push. Never the less, it sent the crowd of people buzzing in chatter.
His coach called him back.
“I’ll check you later babe.” Don’t check me. Uncheck me at once.
He walked back towards his team mates. His eyes never left mine. I turned to carry on my journey to the shops.
“Babes!” I heard Levi shout. I don’t why I turned because I was definitely not babes, but I did. He threw something in my direction. Instinctively, I caught it.
“I never break a promise” he shouted waving me off. I tried to hide me smile but I couldn’t. I had my favourite sweet in my hand. Whilst I smiled, Jason, Richard and Ellie’s scowls did not go amiss.
#teamneverproofread #Levicameinlikeawreckingball #NoMiley #ButwillSatiahTwerkforhim #YesShewll #Spoilersalert #teamLeavi #Whatteamareyou #Doesn’tmatter #It’smystory #Leviwillsecure