The next morning, even on a Saturday, Xavier is gone before I wake up. That's not a surprise to me anymore.
I decide I should probably go round and see Arnica and my beautiful nieces. It's a lot easier for me to go to her than for the young kids to travel all the way to our house.
Four years ago Noah and Arnica bought an incredably large, seven bedroom, two storied home down the most well known street in Calafornia. The kind with lots of families, rich housewives driving expensive cars and nosy neighbours who liked to know everything about each others business.
I couldn't think of anything worse, but Arnica fitted in perfectly.
I would hate to say how many gardeners and cleaners she has hired to keep the place as immaculate as it always looks. Let's just say she has definitly embraced the high end lifestyle Noah can provide her with.
The two large SUV's parked in the drive way are both hers. Why one person needs a Mercedes Benz and an Audi is beyond me, but she says she likes to have 'options.'
"Grace!" Arnica holds pages and pages of documents and runs towards me as soon as I open the the large front door. "You have got to help me!"
"Woah" I breathe as she forces them into my hands, her hairs a frantic mess and half out of her scruffy bun. "What's all this?"
"I really need my best friend to put her lawyer hat on for me, even on a Saturday" Arnica pouts her bottom lip. Noah's old shirt that's covered in paint is tied at her waist and the baggy shorts on her long, thin legs are just as dirty as well. "I have no idea how to understand this smart language. It's some legal thing to do with the renovations I want to make on the house and I don't understand what any of it means."
"Mummy look! Rosie painted my face!" Lacey giggles and runs towards us as Arnica sighs, staring at the little girl who turns and waves when she sees me. Rosie follows quickly, the same giggle leaving her also painted lips.
"Seriously guys" Arnica crouches, examining their proud, grinning faces. "We're painting the walls remember? Not each other."
"Oh yeah" Lacey shrugs and picks up her little paint brush again. "Sorry Mummy, we're still doing a good job right?"
"You're doing an amazing job" Arnica smiles at them both as they stare up at her expectantly. "Auntie Gracie's here now, can you show her how awesome you girls can paint?"
"Of course!" Lacey squeals and takes Rosie's hand. "Auntie Grace you have to watch us!"
"I'll be watching" I call as they run off to the opposite side of the room, Arnica turns and the horrified look on her face makes me giggle. "What did you expect? You asked a three and five year old to help you paint your family room walls."
"I know, I thought it would be fun" she sighs, pulling a seat up for me over the curtains she's put down across the ground. "Thanks for coming. You are a true lifesaver"
"Anytime" I sit and stare around at the huge room, currently half painted with a few random stripes from the girls. "Why are you renovating again? This is a brand new house."
"I know" she answers, watching as the girls run across the room with the wet brushes against the wall. "But, there are lots of new styles coming into fashion now and you know how I like to keep up with them all." She shrugs casually. "The stupid council is having issues agreeing to letting us have the pool room built though."
I lift an eyebrow, attempting to not look taken back by what she says. Not being able to have a pool room? Wow, what a terrible, first world issue to have to deal with. I don't know how Noah let's her decide to spend money on such crazy things.
"Anyway one of neighbours Cheryl has one, you know Cheryl. With the super huge, fake boobs? It's amazing, she's given me the designs she used for hers."
"I'm sure it will be very..." I want to say over the top. "Beautiful once it's finished."
"It will" she smiles. "So hows the dancing practise going for you and Xavier? There's not long to go until the wedding now."
I laugh nervously. I hate dancing. I am most certainly not looking forward to our first dance.
"I hope you've improved, I remember your dancing from prom in highschool" she smirks at me.
"What was wrong with my dancing?"
"Grace, I've seen three legged donkeys with more co-ordination."
"I would hurt you, but I don't want to encourage violence to my nieces" I narrow my eyes at her as I say this.
"You know you love me" she says and this time it's my turn to scoff as I turn the first page of the document. "Once you've finished you can help me paint the ceiling. I have no idea what I'm doing with this DIY stuff."
"Sure, there's nothing else I'd rather do on my Saturday morning" She pokes her tongue in response to my sarcastic statement.
The words on the page blur as I stare at them. Three lines jumble into one and I'm no longer sure whether I'm looking at English or some kind of random language. I don't even realise I'm swaying off the seat until Arnica grips my shoulders, eyes wide and worried, filled with concern
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah sorry." I run a hand down my face as she sits down across from me, watching me unsurely. "I've been having a few dizzy spells lately, they're driving me insane."
"Does Xavier know?"
"No" I mumble my answer and look at the floor instead of her. "He has enough going on without having to deal with my problems as well."
"What do you thinks going on?"
"I'm not really sure, just stress with work and the wedding I guess. Everything's pretty hectic right now."
"What's been happening?" She asks curiously. "If you can't tell Xavier you at least have to tell me."
"I'm not really sure.... I've just been getting headaches for the last couple of weeks and feeling really faint. I've been sick a couple of times, I'm tired all the time and I've been acting like an over emotional drama queen. It'll just be because I'm stressing so much about the wedding and work isn't helping either."
"Grace" Arnica looks at me, as if she knows something I don't. "Those symptoms sound like something other than stress to me."
"If it's not stress, what is it? Am I sick?"
"When was the last time you got your period?"
Her question leaves me dumbfounded. The files on my lap suddenly fall to the floor and scatter across the ground.
"You haven't had you?"
"I - " my fingers shake as I run them through my hair, tugging slightly as I stare at her in shock. Suddenly all the little pieces I never connected come together all at once. I'm so stupid. "No - I've missed my last two but I just thought it was stress and I was too busy to even think about it."
"Grace, calm down." Arnica steps towards me, placing her hands on my shoulders as I gasp in realisation. "Breathe before you have a heart attack."
"Arnica" my ears ring as I stare at her, how did I not figure this out? "I could be pregnant, couldn't I?"
"I think it's a definite possibility." She whispers, tightening her hold on my shivering shoulders.
That explains everything. All of my insane mood swings and dramatic behaviour, plus my tiredness and sickness and the couple of mornings I've vomited without telling Xavier. Why did I never put any of my symptoms together?
I guess because I never assumed I could be pregnant.
"Grace, talk to me. What are you thinking?"
"What am I going to tell Xavier?" Reality falls over me quickly. "He's already stressed enough - we're getting married in a couple of weeks - and my job. My boss will kill me."
"Woah, woah, woah" Arnica squeezes my hands and looks back at the girls who are totally oblivious to what's just happened. "Let's just start with buying tests, we've already done this before remember? Six years ago with me. We can do it again together and who knows... Maybe it is just stress?"
"It has to be stress... I take contraceptives everyday and I'm always careful, Xavier's always careful. Arnica it can't be possible."
"Have you ever forgotten to take it? In the last couple of months maybe?"
"No I always take it" I pause, thinking back to every possible morning I could've forgotten to take it. "The day after Tom's birthday - I was hungover and sick all day, it wouldn't have worked, I vomited for a good couple of days straight."
"Tom's birthday was nearly two months ago" Arnica states. "When did all of the symptoms start?"
"I don't know, two or three weeks ago."
"And you haven't had your period since then?"
I shake my head and gulp, unable to process what I'm saying and what it must mean. "Well, did you have sex when you got home that night?"
"I don't remember, I was drunk" I groan, placing my head in my hands, feeling the familiar throbbing return. "We were both very drunk."
Arnica breathes heavily and pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. "I think drunk Xavier in the same room as drunk you can only mean one thing."
"What do I do Arnica?" I don't want to cry in front of the girls but I'm close to it. "I don't know what to do."
"I'll call our Nanny to look after the girls. We'll go buy three pregnancy tests and then do what we did six years ago."
"Freak out?"
"Deal with it, together."
*
"Which one do I buy?" I stare at the rows and columns of different colours and packets, each of them just as scary as each other. "I'm already terrible at this."
"No you're not Grace" Arnica squeezes my arm and reaches for one of the packets, taking three of them. "These are the best" she says, smiling reassuringly at me. "Don't worry, everything's going to be fine."
I nod and breathe, although I can't stop my fingers from shaking as I tangle them together. Arnica places them on the counter for me, ignoring the grumpy lady behind the till who stares at my pale frame with a judgemental expression.
I've never felt so terrified and frightened in my entire life and not having Xavier right beside me only makes me feel worse.
"Okay" Arnica takes them and doesn't hide the glare she sends to the woman at the counter, pulling me away and muttering something rude under her breath. "Ignore her, she's a stupid old goat who needs to get rid of her nine double chins" She cracks a smile but frowns when she sees my expression. "We can do this at my place if you like? The girls will be there though, or we could do it at yours?"
I shake my head. "Xavier might come home" I whisper, and that's the last thing I want.
"So here?" I nod she sighs slightly. "Are you sure you don't want to do this with Xavier?"
"Definitely" I mumble and my mind thinks back to the words he's told me many times.
I'll give you everything I can Grace, but I can't give you children. My childhood was to fucked up to make me capable of being a good parent. My life's too dangerous, I'm to dangerous. I'm barely able to keep you safe, let alone a baby.
I don't know how many times he's said that to me, but I've always told him he'd be an amazing Father. He'd always deny it and get angry, leaving us in some kind of stupid argument and then eventually - we never spoke about it again.
"Right" Arnica hands me all three boxes. "I'll be right outside if you need me."
I nod and thank her quietly before locking the toilet door, breathing heavily as I open each pack.
I lay each of them on the counter when I'm done, opening the door to Arnica who like she promised - is standing directly against the door.
"You have to wait 10 minutes right?" I nod and she pulls me into her arms, shutting the toilet door behind her. "I can't believe I'm standing in a chemist toilet with my best friend" she giggles to lighten the mood and even I can't help but crack a small smile.
"Can I ask you something?" She asks as I tremble nervously. "Why are you so worried about this? I know it's probably a couple of years earlier than you'd planned, but you're going to be married in less than two weeks. You've been together for seven years, you have the perfect job, plenty of money and you're 24 now, Xavier's 27. That's not that young."
"He doesn't want kids" Arnicas' mouth opens widely with shock. "He's told me that at least 10 times since we've been together."
"But he's so good with the girls.... He's so good with you... I don't understand why he wouldn't want kids with you."
"He doesn't think he deserves them, he thinks he'd be a bad Father" I try to keep my voice steady. "we've argued about it so many times Arnica, he'll be so angry if I am pregnant. I don't know how I could ever tell him."
"Hey" she wipes the fallen tear from my cheek. "Xavier loves you and I'm sure he'll think differently if you really are pregnant. He would do anything for you."
"I hope - " my phone vibrates from my pocket and my face falls as I see the name on the screen.
"Xavier?" I nod and Arnica takes the phone from my fingers, answering it before I can decide what to do.
"Xavier, how're you?" I watch her carefully as she listens. "She's just painting the ceiling of the house with me.... Yes she's fine" I bite my lip tightly as anxiety begins to wash over me. "No she can't talk right now, but I can pass on a message?" She pauses and I almost feel like I'm going to throw up. "Aww, aren't you sweet? Yes I'll tell her. Yes. Okay, bye - you too."
She hangs up and then smiles crookedly as she hands the phone back to me. "He's taking you out for dinner tonight at six" she says and my heart almost stills on the spot. "And he said he loves you."
I nod but can't find any words to speak as I put my phone back in my pocket. "I think it's been 10 minutes Grace, do you want to look or?"
"Can you?"
She nods, squeezing me tightly before pulling away. "No matter what the tests say, I'm going to be right beside you the whole way."
"Thanks Arny" I whisper and she smiles softly.
She glances down at the counter, staring for a good few seconds before turning to look at me. I feel so sick I think I might faint at any moment, she breathes out and looks directly at me before she speaks.
"They're all positive Grace, you're pregnant."