"You're a cook and you don't know how to make a pie?"
"There's a lot of things I don't know how to do but as far as I'm concerned, I know a hell of a lot more than what you do AND I'm holding a butter knife. Judge me again, Lightwood. Just try it." Magnus looked up from the box he set on the counter and glared at Alec. "Is there anything else you wish to add while you're just standing there?"
Alec raised in hands. "Sorry. I'll leave you to it, then. I have to shower anyway. I feel like crap."
"You look like it too but that can't really be fixed," Magnus said as he took out a pie pan from the cupboard. "Take your time. I'm just going to leave this pan out so I can heat up our premade pie later when it's almost time to go."
Alec chuckled. "My dad is going to know that's a premade pie, you know. He's not stupid."
"Never said he was. He'd much rather have this pie than a pie made by yours truly. It would be a disaster-go shower! For the love of god. Too many people in the kitchen...."
Alec rolled his eyes. Magnus reminded him of his mother whenever she was in the kitchen. She hated having people in there when she was trying to cook. She would almost bite the heads off anyone who set foot in the room while she was in there.
He went into the bathroom and closed the door behind him to prepare his shower. There was a system he used when he showered. Lather, wash, rinse, repeat. Twice for good measure and for a better smelling body. He never admitted this to anyone but he loved the smell of lavender soap and that's exactly what he used to wash himself. He smelled like a fresh garden when he stepped out of the hot shower.
The hot water felt soothing on his cuts and bruises. Alec lathered up some body wash in his hand and rubbed it over his body; first his neck and shoulders, down over his chest and stomach, down to his-
He froze as he felt something brush up from behind him. A hand snaked around his waist and felt his abdomen and chest.
"M-Magnus? What are you doing?" Alec croaked.
Magnus said nothing as his hands explored up and down the entire length of Alec's body, giving him goosebumps regardless of the hot water pouring down them like rain. A small moan escaped Alec's throat as Magnus moved his hands down even lower-
"Alec! Where do you keep your cinnamon? I might sprinkle a bit on for an extra kick of flavor!" Magnus called out from the kitchen.
Alec jumped in surprise, nearly slipping in the shower. The hands he felt on his body seconds ago disappeared but the after effect remained. "Uh.....try the cupboard above the fridge! Should be some there!" He groaned as he looked down at his hard on. It was throbbing with a giant pulse.
"Got it! Does your dad like cinnamon?" Magnus yelled again.
Alec swore under his breath as he switched to cold water to kill his boner. He shivered. "I don't know! Maybe? Just-just let me shower in peace!"
Once he was finished (and his dick was finally under control) he stepped out and dried himself off in record time. Magnus was sweeping the floor when he stepped back out into the kitchen again, humming a song. Chairman was watching him sweep, swatting a paw at the broom whenever it came near him.
"I was starting to wonder if you slipped and went down the drain," Magnus chuckled. "Everything okay in there?"
Alec's mouth went dry thinking about Magnus feeling his body. "Y-yeah. Fine. Got soap in my eyes. Hurt like a bitch. But I'm fine. Is the pie done?"
"Done? I didn't do anything to it," Magnus said as he put away the broom. "I'm heating it up in the oven before we go. Give it that 'freshly baked' appeal to it. Plus a hint of cinnamon should do the trick. Your family will be tripping over their feet."
Alec tucked Chairman Meow under his arm and stroked his fur. "You've met everyone except for Max and my mother. Max is easy enough to please. It's my mom you have to worry about."
"Worry about? Why?"
"She's.....strict. Like very strict. She doesn't tolerate much-"
"Alexander. There hasn't been a soul yet on this earth that can resist my otherworldly charms. I'd be surprised if your mother can. Have faith in me. I'll break down those strict barriers of hers. Trust me."
That's not what I'm worried about, Alec thought. "I would love to see you try. My mom has the freaking Great Wall of China built around her emotions. You'll never get through."
Magnus winked. "Doesn't hurt to try."
Rolling his eyes, Alec went to his dresser and took out a neatly folded blue dress shirt. It was one he usually wore for family dinners, but now that he had new additions to his wardrobe, he didn't have to wear the same coat he normally wore. Or pants. Or shoes. He felt like a new person with this outfit.
"Tell me. Does your mom like polyester or cotton? Vintage or more modern style? I simply can't decide what to wear. It's stressing me out!" Magnus was practically half inside his suitcase as he dug around for an outfit. "What does she like? Tell me."
"I don't know. Just arrive with clothes on, I guess. No one likes a naked guest. Why are you so concerned about what you're wearing?"
Magnus looked up. "I'm meeting your family, Alec. It's my one shot to make a good impression in case you decide to....you know."
Alec scoffed. "Come out? Yeah. No. That's not happening. Not tonight. Not if I can help it. Coming out to them would be like announcing Hitler was alive and was gathering recruits and I decided to join him and his ranks."
"That's a teeny bit dramatic, don't you think? Not to mention it's a terrible comparison."
"Well, it's true. The results would be disastrous. Hurricane Katrina disastrous."
Magnus waved a hand around in the air. "Okay. You're making awful comparisons with events that cost people their lives. I doubt your mom is going to kill you for coming out of the closet."
Alec shrugged as he buttoned up his dress shirt. "I don't know, Magnus. In this day and age? Anything is possible. I mean she knows about the Internet. She'll probably contact some local church group to come over and try to exorcise the gay demon out of me."
"The gay demon."
"Yes. The gay demon. Homocifer. Notorious for making your child want to suck the genitals of another child of the same gender-"
"Okay, you need to STOP. Right now. I don't have time to be listening to this when I need to pick out something to wear. Here's what I will tell you, however," Magnus flipped Alec around to face him and fixed all the buttons that weren't done up properly on Alec's shirt. "You'll be fine. You're going to go to that dinner and eat the shit out of that turkey and you're going to love it. You're going to smile and laugh at Isabelle's terrible jokes and I may even pull off a magic trick or two for the little one. But you will not, and I forbid you, have a shitty time. I won't allow it. The first sign of you becoming angry or stressed, we're leaving. And I don't care what Mama Lightwood says. We're gone."
Alec's mouth dropped open. "I can't just walk out on my own family-"
"Sure you can. My father did it. So why can't you?" This shut Alec up immediately. "We're going to be fine, Alexander. It's just dinner. Not a life or death situation." He pecked Alec on the lips and smiled. "Although if you ever wanted to try the exorcise the gay demon out of you, I have a priest on speed dial-"
"No! I'm fine!" Alec laughed and waved him off. "Get off me, you freak. I appreciate you fixing the buttons of my shirt but get off me anyway. Who the fuck has a priest on speed dial, anyway?"
Magnus shrugged. "Never know when you might need one."
**********
Alec rang the doorbell to his house, hearing it echo inside and giving him anxiety like he never experienced before. Breathing became difficult. He started to sweat. His vision was starting to go black around the edges.
"Relax. You got this. It's just a family dinner, remember? No need to sweat about it. Literally in your case," Magnus looked Alec up and down. "No seriously. Water the lilacs while you're there. They look half dead."
"Shut up. I'm nervous. Just let me be nervous. It'll make me feel better."
Magnus shrugged. "Whatever floats your-"
The door opened and Isabelle stood in the doorway with a broad smile on her face. She wore a skintight red dress that hugged her body and was dangerously low over her breasts, black heels and a snake bracelet around her wrist that complimented the silver buckle that held her long black hair back off her shoulders.
"Well then. Look what the cat dragged in. Didn't think you'd show up, to be honest. Much less show up with him," she looked at Magnus and smirked. "Come in. Not sure why Alec rang the doorbell. This is his home."
"And a wonderful home it is. Love the lilacs, by the way. Very welcoming plant," Magnus beamed. "Also, the lawn looks beautifully manicured-"
"Okay, cut the shit. You've already won Isabelle over. You need to work on my mother and Max. Speaking of, where is Max?" Alec set down a bottle of wine on the dining room table as they walked into it.
Magnus snorted. "Is he always like this? Crabby?"
"First born. Heavy is the head that wears the crown." Isabelle nodded to the room behind her. "Max. Living room. Reading a book on corrective eye surgery. I tried getting him to play Xbox like a normal kid but he insists on reading college level books. What a freak," Isabelle rolled her eyes. "I'll let mom and dad know you're here. Be right back."
Alec turned to see Magnus disappear around a corner towards the living room so he followed behind. Max looked up from his book once they stepped in, adjusting the pair of glasses on his nose, his sandy blonde hair a mess (like Alec's always was) and his brown eyes wide behind his glasses.
"Hey Alec. What's up?" Max said. "Here for the family dinner too?"
"Yup. Are you?" Alec chuckled as Max shot him a look. "I'm kidding. What are you reading there, buddy? Izzy said it's a college level book. You're only 11."
Max shrugged. "Lots of kids read educational books that are meant for adults. If I want to be an optometrist, I might as well begin studying early so I'll be better prepared for university."
Alec peered at the book in Max's lap, seeing diagrams and long words that even he didn't quite understand. "You have a long way to go yet until university, kiddo. Why don't you focus on being a kid for now?"
Max ignored him and stared at Magnus instead. "Who are you?"
Magnus was busy looking at photos on the wall. He smiled at one in particular. Alec was standing behind Isabelle, his long arms wrapped around her, hugging her from behind. Another was of Alec standing on stage with a guitar in his hands. Alec played guitar? This was news to him. He didn't see any instruments laying around Alec's place. What caught his eye in every photo was the broad smile Alec had on his face. He rarely saw Alec smile like this. Done with looking at the photos, he finally turned to face Max. "I'm Magnus Bane. I work with your brother as a consultant-"
"You're the man my dad was talking about with my mom earlier. He said you were coming over with Alec for dinner. Are you going to steal from us?"
Alec scoffed. "Max, don't be rude. Magnus is our guest. Plus if he did try to take anything, dad and I will arrest him. Won't we, Magnus?"
Magnus noticed Alec giving him a look. "Oh, I wouldn't dream of it. Both of your brothers already arrested me once. I don't plan on it happening again anytime soon."
Max smirked at this. "True. Jace and Alec are really good cops. They'll catch you right away."
"I'm sure they would," Magnus winked at Alec. "Do you like magic tricks? I have a trick I want to show you....."
Naturally, Magnus wowed Max with his magic. Just when he pulled a coin from Max's ear, a woman in a knee high black dress came into the room, heels clicking on the wooden floor. She had long black hair like Isabelle, and they had the same dark eyes. Her face was more serious, with red lipstick and contoured cheeks.
She nodded to Alec. "Alexander. I haven't seen you in so long. What on earth happened to your face?"
"Mother," Alec got to his feet and leaned down a little, gently placed a kiss on his mother's cheek. "I'm fine. Just tripped down some stairs. Bruised myself up a bit. Mother, this is Magnus Bane. He's our special guest tonight that father invited. Magnus, this is my mother. Maryse."
Maryse glowered at Magnus. "Mr. Bane. I hope you'll be on your best behaviour tonight. No....conning your way in or out of anything. My husband better know what he's doing."
"Your husband is a smart man, Maryse. I'm sure he wouldn't let a criminal into your home if he knew it wasn't going to be safe," Magnus smiled as she glared at him. "I've brought a pie for dessert. Everyone loves pie, don't they?"
Robert peered around the corner and laughed. "Magnus! I thought that was you I heard! I also heard pie too. That's the magic summoning word."
Alec took a step back to let his father drape an arm around Magnus' shoulders, completely bypassing him. "Nice to see you too, dad. I'm good. Thanks for asking."
Magnus looked over his shoulder, sending Alec an apologetic shrug as they made their way into the dining room to set the table. Isabelle was already setting down plates and Max was close behind with the utensils.
"Magnus, you'll sit next to Alec. Jace usually sits there but we'll make an exception for tonight," Maryse said.
"Jace isn't coming?" Alec asked. "Why?"
"He's with Clary and her mother. Her mother is moving old boxes from the attic and needed their help. So he won't be with us tonight." Maryse set the last glass on the table. "Take a seat. Dinner will be ready soon."
Magnus clapped his hands. "I can't wait. I love tasting other people's cooking. Helps my palate."
"What's a palate?" Max asked.
"A palate is an appreciation of taste and flavor, young man. When you have a large palate, that means you've tasted food from all over the world that varies in flavor. Do you have any interest in cooking?"
"The only cooking Max is interested in is the kind he can put in the microwave and heat up," Isabelle yelped as Max hit her arm. "Ow! It's true! Tell me I'm wrong!"
"Shut up....Magnus doesn't need to know that...." Max whined. "Dad, Isabelle's being a jerk-"
Robert raised a hand and Max fell silent. "I don't want to hear another word from either of you. Stop arguing. Your mother is bringing out the turkey."
Alec stared at the huge bird his mother laid out on the table. The turkey was huge. Huge legs, huge wings; the entire body was huge. "Wow. I didn't know we were having pterodactyl for dinner."
"You watch your tone or I won't feed you at all," Maryse snapped. "Now. Does anyone prefer white meat?"
They immediately dug into their meal which surprised Magnus. He was so used to saying grace when he was eating dinner with his mother that when the Lightwoods just dug in, he almost felt guilty. He sent a silent prayer up to the Lord and dug in himself.
"Mm. This is delicious, Mrs. Lightwood. What seasoning did you use for the stuffing?" Magnus asked.
Maryse cleared her throat. "Pepper and salt. I don't like to complicate my cooking with ridiculous ingredients like most people do nowadays."
Magnus raised an eyebrow and looked at Alec. Alec shrugged and shook his head. "Well it tastes fantas-"
"May I ask what kind of things you're criminally known for, Magnus Bane?"
Magnus looked at Maryse, startled. "Pardon me? What?"
"If you're some kind of pedophile or rapist, you might as well drop your fork now and get out of my home. I won't tolerate it."
Robert groaned. "Maryse. Max is sitting right there."
"It's okay, dad. I know what those two terms are," Max said and continued to eat his meal.
"Mother, I don't think now is the time to be asking such questions...." Alec whispered. "Maybe we should wait until later?"
"I would like to know now, thank you. So? What is it that's had my husband in a tizzy for the past few years? You're a tough man to track down."
Magnus smirked. "I'm a con man. I trick people for a living. I also own the Pandemonium club."
"Didn't that close after when it was robbed? And who was the manager before you?" Isabelle butted in.
"No, it didn't close. I simply paid people to come in and clean up the mess and it reopened again immediately. I'm not going to let a hostage situation ruin my business." Magnus leaned forward, looking Isabelle in the eye. "The owner before me was a man named Enoch. Stupid old fart. Fell for every word I said. It still blows my mind today how gullible he was-"
"I think that's enough for one night, Magnus. My mother got the answer she wanted. Isn't that right, mom?" Alec looked to Maryse for an answer but got none. "Right. So....when did Jace say he wasn't showing up? He never misses family dinner."
"He's found himself a nice girl, Alec. He's settling down. The lord knows we never expected it to happen but it did," Maryse took a sip of wine. "You should settle down too. Find a nice girl and make her happy."
"Good luck with that," Isabelle mumbled. No one heard her except for Alec. He kicked her under the table.
Alec glared at her. "I'm fine on my own, mother. I'm very focused on the job right now. Big case and all."
"Jace seems to be doing alright handling both his social life and work life. You should try it too," Maryse didn't look up at him once as she cut into her baked potato.
Alec closed his eyes. "Mom-"
"Jace was always so much better at handling everyday tasks. That boy could juggle life like there was no tomorrow. He's so much more outgoing and social and knows when there's a job to be done-"
"I'M NOT JACE!"
The room went dead silent. Even Max stopped chewing and stared at Alec in shock. Robert had both eyebrows raised. Maryse had turned a deathly pale. Isabelle smiled broadly. Magnus was unreadable.
"Excuse me? Don't you dare yell at me! I'm your mother!" Maryse shot back.
"And I'm not Jace! Stop comparing me to him! All my life you've been comparing us! You clearly prefer him over me seeing how you're constantly criticizing me for the things that he can do and I can't! Well guess what? I'm sick and tired of it! I'm tired of sitting here and constantly taking shit from you! I don't have to take this anymore!"
Magnus watched as Alec got to his feet, nearly flipping the table over in the process, and grabbed his jacket that was hanging from the coat rack by the front door. "Um....thanks for the dinner, Lightwood family. It was delicious. Enjoy the pie."
Alec was about to stomp out the door when he paused, turning to look at Magnus. Magnus shrugged as if to say "what?" but didn't say anything out loud. "That reminds me. Mom? I'll tell you why I can't settle down or find a nice girl like Jace did."
He grabbed Magnus by the shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. He didn't even hear his mother gasp audibly. Or his father drop his fork in surprise. He didn't even hear Isabelle cheer. All he heard was the rush of blood in his ears as his heart slammed against his chest. Magnus was just as surprised. Clearly, he wasn't expected to be kissed in front of everyone. Especially not like this.
Alec pulled away, his hazel eyes shining and a smirk on his face. He turned to Maryse, the smirk still on his face.
"That's why I can't find a nice girl. I'm fucking gay."
Examples of some of the photos Magnus was looking at on the wall of the Lightwood house (plus some extras)