Brandon Speaks: You're Breaking Up With Me?
So I have this friend (who isn't part of HowBoysThink) and his girlfriend of 3 years broke up with him. She just ended it with a phone call where she apparently said that she isn't attracted to him anymore.
Now normally, I would have been at shock here. I mean I can't imagine having a girl for three years and all of a sudden she says she's not attracted to me. Who does that? However, I kind of predicted it with this girl because she isn't really a "settler" and before she went out with my friend, Wesley she was quite the partier.
Let's fast forward three days later. One of Wesley's friends sees his ex-girlfriend on a date with the college douchebag. Wesley was devastated at the fact that she didn't even tell him this considering he was a nice guy to her. Unfortunately, that caused Wesley to go through what I like to call "NSS" or" Newly Single Syndrome".
There are three main stages:
The Depression Stage:
So after he heard that his girlfriend (we'll call her Lisa) was seeing another guy, I saw him the next day at university. He informed me about this the day before. I was with Dean at the time.Here's how the conversation went (I think):
Brandon: Hey Wes, how's it going?
Dean: Hey Wesley!
Wesley: Not good man. I literally just lay in bed thinking about her all night. I haven't had one minute of sleep.
Brandon: You serious??
And he carried on about how much he missed her and how hurt he was. It was excruciating to watch how depressed this guy was.
The Angry Stage:
A few days later, he decides to text me.
Wesley: Fuck this! Fuck the world! Let's fuck that guy up?
Brandon: Haha, anytime. He's a fucking douchebag anyway.
Wesley: No, seriously.
Brandon: You should talk to her first.
Wesley: Fuck that!
He didn't end up talking to her or beating the guy up. Instead, he went through the next stage.
The Paranoia Stage:
So I see him two days later again.
Wesley: Do you think girls find me attractive?
Brandon: Oh come on, you doubting yourself man?
Wesley: No it's just- I don't know, nevermind.
Brandon: Nah, I'm sure they do man.
Wesley: Yeah, I thought so. Do you think I'm shy or outspoken?
Brandon: Just go home, Wes!
So I thought to cheer him up, we'd play a prank on Lisa just to get a few laughs out of him. I hope you enjoy!
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I call Lisa as a psychotic and paranoid phone operator.
*Ring ring*
Lisa: Hello?
Brandon: Hi, this is Michael Lewis. Just to clarify, what is your service provider for your household?
Lisa: It's Phonezone. (I made that name up)
Brandon: Okay good, we have the right person. Since you are a customer of Phonezone we have to warn you that tomorrow we'll be conducting a Phone Line Getdown. Do you know what that is?
Lisa: No, I don't.
Brandon: You gotta get down on it! (LOLWUT?)
Lisa: Sorry?
Brandon: You know when phone calls are noisy? It's because the phone lines are dirty. Now we need to clean these phone lines. Do you know how we do it, George? (I just randomly felt like calling her George.)
Lisa: Uh no and it's Lisa.
Brandon: We zap a 400 volt electricity wave through the phone lines. During this time you cannot be on your phone, or you'll get motherfucking fried, George.
Lisa: Really? Isn't that like a health risk or something?
Brandon: Yes. That's why I'm phoning you, Georgie.
Lisa: It's Lisa. What time can't I answer it?
Brandon: Depends how much shit is in those fucking lines. So just don't call anyone tomorrow, George.
Lisa: What if it's an emergency?
Brandon: If it's an emergency pick up the phone, dial 6969 and say WHOOOSH really fucking loud. You will be patched through to our operator.
Lisa: Whooosh? Why must I say that?
Brandon: It's the pass word, Georginator.
Lisa: MY NAME IS LISA!
Brandon: So yeah, just don't call tomorrow. K bye!
I cut the call and phone again, ten minutes later.
*Ring ring*
Lisa: Hello?
Brandon: What the fuck, George? Why are you calling me?
Lisa: Uh you called me?
Brandon: How did you get my number, you f*cking stalker?
Lisa: I didn't! You called me!
Brandon: Are you a cop? Because that's what a fucking detective would say.
Lisa: What are you talking about?
Brandon: One time I shoved weed up my butt at the airport. Y'all cops never fucking catch me!
Lisa: You called me! I'm not a cop!
Brandon: You know if you are a cop and you're lying to me, you could go to jail.
Lisa: I'm not a fucking cop! What the heck.
Brandon: Send me a fucking dirty picture and then I'll believe you.
Lisa: No! How does that prove anything?
Brandon: A cop would say no. Fucking cop.
Lisa: WHY DID YOU CALL ME!
Brandon: So anyway, why did you call me, George?
Lisa: Just fuck off!
Brandon: George! That is no way for a cop to talk!
Lisa: I'm not a freaking cop!
Brandon: And I don't find chickens sexually attractive.
Lisa: Fuck you.
Brandon: Well unless you have two fucking wings and you say "Cluck cluck" then no, I won't fuck you.
*Dead Line*
Roger calls her 30 minutes later. LOL.
*Ring Ring*
Lisa: Hello?
Roger: Hi. We've received your order and your package will be delivered in a day!
Lisa: What package? I didn't order anything.
Roger: Well, somebody called George ordered two chickens to be delivered to the address of this phone number.
Lisa: Okay, there's this guy who's fucking weird and he orders chickens! Not me! Send it to him. He has my number and is crazy!
Roger: Ma'am, I cannot do anything. The guy ordered two chickens. He requested them to wear underwear too, but we couldn't provide that.
Lisa: I didn't order this!
Roger: Oh hang on. This is a gift to you! He also said something like the person he's giving it to has a split personality but goes by the name of Gangsta George in the hood.
Lisa: He's freaking crazy! I don't want any fucking chickens!
Roger: I know of Gangsta George. This must be a legit order.
Lisa: What are you talking about?
Roger: Gangsta George makes chickens tap dance until they die. You should be ashamed.
Lisa: Is this a joke?
Roger: HARARARARAAR!
Lisa: What happened?
Roger: I sneezed.
Lisa: Piss off!
*Dead line*
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I hope you enjoyed it! He was actually laughing quite a bit as well.
*N.B
Have any questions for me? (Brandon)
Ask them on private message and Reece will post the answers up in Frequently Asked Questions! The first line of your PM must read FOR BRANDON, it makes it easier. The questions will be anonymous so ask what you want to!
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