hey, i'd really appreciate it if you could drop me a comment or whatever because i'm in a really shitty mood (you can probably tell by this chapter hah) and hearing from you guys really cheers me up:) thank you and i hope this chapter isn't into too bad haah
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When I wake up, I wake up to two little kitties next to me; one names Michael and one named Toba.
Toba's little tongue tickles my cheek, and Michael's drooling on my chest.
I smile at the pair.
"Hey Toba," I coo, stroking the fur on his face, touching his whiskers and enduring his softness.
I stare at his one beautiful eye, and his tongue that hangs slightly out of his mouth.
"How was your sleep lil' boy?" I ask the cat, smiling at his daintyness.
"It w-was good." Says Michael in a slurred voice, and I giggle slightly.
"I wasn't asking you silly," I run my fingers through his soft hair.
"I k-know." A small laugh bubbles in his throat. He takes a hand, wiping the dribble that's on his cheek and my shirt, a blush on his cheeks. He apologises sheepishly.
"How are you doing baby boy?" I ask, this time to Michael and he smiles, it's a small smile.
"I'm g-good... happy."
Happy.
Good indeed, I smile at that too, and we're both smiling in a beautiful moment and I'm so happy he's happy for once.
I hope today will be a good day.
I'm almost praying.
"That's great!" I say, getting to my feet rather quickly, scaring the two little kitties. I offer the human kitten a hand and he takes it, getting to his feet and after brushing our teeth we head into the kitchen.
Michael skips into the open room, and I watch carefully from behind, at peace both having to check check check and reassure that he's okay and that he's not breaking down and that everything is okay.
"Hello boys," Daryl chirps, placing a vase of flowers onto the middle of the kitchen table, before sitting himself down.
"W-What's f-for break f-fast?" Michael asks and both mine and Daryl's eyes open wide in surprise, at his want for food which is so rarely expected from him.
"Whatever you'd like to have, Mikey; what about some bacon?" my boyfriend nods, sitting himself down at the table, a small smile on his small lips.
Intertwining our fingers, he looks up to me.
"How'd you two sleep?" and after a moment, "Where's toba?"
The three of us look down onto the wooden floor where we find Carrie, walking strongly and happily with Toba's scruff in her mouth, and we all smile at her.
Toba's little legs squiggle lightly off the ground, so small next to his new motherly figure and I think how wonderful it would be to be that young again.
How simple it was; when it was just playing blocks and colouring books.
Life is god until you reach the age where you understand; where you can make a proper thought in your mind and wonder why daddy doesn't like you and why mummy loves your brothers more than you, and why is my sister so sad?
I was eleven, still young and lost in the big world when my sister Evie killed herself on the 11th of January.
I'm fortunate enough to say I wasn't the one to find her, that it was my mum, but I'm not fortunate enough to say they were good about it.
'she was a coward.'
My nana said, at the funeral, a small tear in her eyes and a bitter tone in her voice.
'selfish.'
Was what my mum said, and I think that's when I began to hate her and everyone in my family.
At that point I realised their religion and themselves was more important than their depressed family members.
I left the funeral at that point; I ran out and my feet took me far away; I don't remember where I went, not in the slightest but I think it's because I had a lot of tears in my eyes and my head was spinning so fast so fast too fast and I guess it was because she was gone.
My sister was dead and only then did it hit me; did it hit me that the only person in my family who loved me slit her wrists and killed herself.
"Luke?" I snap up my head, my thoughts and my life and all the paintings of my past dripping and falling from the walls as I come back to reality.
And oh, doesn't reality suck.
Reality.
How miserable.
"Yes." I reply in a voice merely above a whisper, realising my bacon is cooked and that my breakfast is in front of me,, that I just spent at least seven minutes lost in my own head.
I used to find myself like that, a lot; wandering in the deserts of my mind, completely unaware yet painfully aware of the world and the pain around me and in me.
But that's when I met Michael; and the world blossomed into colour.
I was seeing black and white, and he painted me a clear blue sky; without him I was colour blind, and it was raining every time I opened my eyes.
But he arrived and I was alive again for the first time since my sister wasn't.
And oh, wasn't it lovely.
Suddenly, I had a reason again.
Suddenly, I had something to keep fighting for; a reason to stop the drugs and the drinking and I didn't have to have a cigarette when I was stressed, but instead I talked to my boyfriend who's all I need.
"Are you okay"? asks daryl, and I nod, forcing a smile; as I lift my hand with my fork in it, I realise my fingers are trembling and that food doesn't seem so appealing but I eat it anyways, because I wouldn't want to be rude.
"I'm fine, just tired."
Tired.
Just tired; tired of being sad.
Tired of missing my sister. Tired of hating life. Tired of craving drugs, the warmth of alcohol. Tired of being tired.
There's a long silence that stretches out after my untruthful words, which everyone knows is a lie, as we all eat the food that should be yummy in my mouth.
Why is it not yummy.
This should be delicious, and if I was in a good mood it would be;
I guess I got it the wrong way round today- for some reason I assumed it would be Michael who would be sad, need the looking after, but instead it's me.
And all I can hope s that I can make it through the day without hurting Michael.
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The leaves under my feet crunch as I let out a puff of smoke from my mouth, the stress fading away with it. Warmth spreads from y chest to my tongue and all I want to do is sleep sleep sleep the day away and not have to go into school tomorrow because who the fuck likes school, right?
Summer dew dampens the toe of my converse and my face is beginning to ache from being in a constant scowl, a constant bitter contortion as I try real hard to not shout out in frustration; have you ever been in one of those moods?
One of those moods when everything bothers you.
It bothers you that the birds are chirping, that the sky is blue, that people are breathing too loud and you almost want to cry when you drop a pen.
When it falls to the floor and you kind of want to copy it's actions.
After releasing another puff, I let out a sigh that somehow only makes my mood worsen.
Fuck.
I bite down hard and hard and harder on my lip until I feel blood and chew on my lip ring so I don't cry, so the liquid doesn't tumble from my straining eyes; the tears feel like acid dripping down the back of my throat.
"Fancy seeing you here."
You can't be serious.
I clench my jaw and swivel around to see Ray perched on a rock amongst the trees, his dark features scarily camouflaged into his surroundings, and to be honest, I wouldn't have even seen him if he hadn't spoken up.
Licking my lips, I take the stub of my cigarette that's left and stomp it out under my boot.
Ray flinches, but he stares at me intently.
"Smoking is bad for you, you know?" he says carefully, like he hasn't done it a few dozen times at least; and I guess he knows exactly how to push my buttons when he uses that stupid little voice.
I sniff, biting my cheek.
"Tragic."
Ray's eyes narrow into little slits as he scowls at me; all too soon his act is off, and he looks around us briefly to see there's no one here, before standing up and shoving me against the cobble wall, coked in ivy.
My eyes trace his features as I try to figure him out.
Decipher who he is; and it's frustrating how quickly he changes.
His mood can go from 0-100 by the flick of a switch and I'm wondering how.
Though, I guess mine does too.
"You can quit you're fucking act right here, right now, Hemmings." The equally tall boy hisses, and I chuckle with no humour.
"Me drop the act?!" I push forward against his grip in my shirt. All he does is shove me back; yes, I may be tall and athletic and strong, but he definitely lifts, whereas that's something I don't do.
"Yes, you! you walk around school, acting like you actually care about Michael, like you don't want to lash out on everyone, like you don't want to slit you're wrists like every other person." My fists are clenched, tight, so tight my nails are leaving marks in my palm. The pain helps.
I take a deep breath.
He might be right; yes, I might want to cut myself sometimes.
Yes, I might want to hit the occasion douche bag at school,
But I would never,
Ever
Hurt Michael.
"See, there's a slight difference between me and you." I say, and the calmness in my tone scares me. "You're evil, and I'm not. Simple as that, really."
I smile.
Just to annoy him that little bit more.
What's that saying?; kill em' with kindness.
Ray dips his face closer to me, and I can feel his hot, alcoholic breath on my neck.
His tone is quiet and cold.
Painfully raw and etched with ice and he talks slowly.
"No," he starts, almost softly. "The difference between me and you is that we're both evil- I know you are. You're head is just as dark and twisted as mine, accept you hide yours behind a pretty little smile and a few tattoos- but I don't bother to hide myself like you do." At this point, the green eyed teen moves his hand to my cheek, carefully so, and a bile rises in the back of my tight throat. His thumb touches my lip and he stares at me like I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. "I may not seem like much, but trust me darling, I can make your life a living hell."
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thank you lol, that probably sucked goats balls (speaking of goats, i went to a goat farm on a school trip to france that i went on lol;
that's why it took me so long to update bc i have been away.
if any of you are english, did ya'll see on the news about the eurotunnel?
yeah?
well i was fucking on that, and got stuck under ground with no air con for 7 hours on my way home lol, had a small panic attack and my anxiety was atrocious, but i lived and it's a story to tell haha,
how are you all though?
tell me about your day and what you did, i love hearing from you:))
take care you cutie pie !
from sofia xxx