Chapter Thirty Eight
"He's going to wake up." September smiled and patted Zade's unmoving arm. "This asshole's a tough one, I just know it." Lyric gave me a judging look, but quickly diverted his gaze to Zade. Ashford was eyeing me with pity while leaning against the wall.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. I know they're judging me, hindi lang nila masabi sa akin. They may even resent me and I couldn't blame them for feeling that way. I was the root of all Zade's troubles. I don't think Mico is right. Hindi totoong sisirain ako ng pagmamahal sa akin ni Zade. It's the other way around. But despite that, I will never leave, or back away. Because after all that has happened, I believe that we truly deserve each other. Hindi ko sasayangin ang lahat ng paghihirap ni Zade para sa akin, para sa aming dalawa.
If he doesn't want me anymore, then it has to come out of his mouth.
Otherwise, I will stay.
"How long has he been unconscious?" Ashford inquired before walking over to the side of Zade's hospital bed.
"Two days. Nagpapakita naman siya ng senyales na malapit na siyang magising, gumagalaw ang mga daliri niya," saad ko. Lumakad ako palapit sa kama ni Zade at inabot ang kamay niya. I just held it silently while looking at him. Hindi na ako masyadong natatakot, the doctors said he was safe and stable. He might wake up anytime soon. Kaya naghihintay lang ako, at sila Tita.
They freaked out at first when they found out. Sumugod silang lahat sa ospital. Akala ko ay magagalit sila sa akin pero niyakap nila akong lahat para palakasin ang loob. Tita and Tito said Zade did a noble thing, and that they have raised him well. Daze, Ate Blythe and Ate Xiana hugged me. They told me they were glad that I was safe. The guys were there, too.
Si Tita Cassi at si Tito Aaron ang nag-aayos ng mga kasong isasampa kay Mico Aldeguer. He was still alive, yet he was in a critical condition.
Sumuko ang pinsan niyang si Bernard Aldeguer at umamin sa lahat. He was an accessory to the crime. He said that he really wanted to warn Zade about Mico's plans, but Mico beat him terribly and imprisoned him in one of his hideouts. He was able to escape, but he decided to lie low. At first he was planning to escape the country but then he couldn't carry the weight of his conscience anymore.
"This wouldn't have happened if Zade didn't rescue you," Lyric spat angrily. I looked at the floor and nodded.
"I know."
"Lyric, man. Tone it down a bit." September glowered at him. Lyric grit his teeth and sank back on the couch. I'm sorry is what I don't say. It doesn't feel quite right. I heard the door creak open and saw two ladies walk inside. I gave them a faint smile.
"Hey, it's been so long," I said as they both gave me a reassuring hug.
"It's going to be okay, Sam. Prayers work," Shain placated me and I nodded. Alyana June -- who is Ashford's younger sister -- reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. They were college friends.
"Thank you," I mouthed. September looked at June but when he noticed I was staring, he quickly looked away.
"Matapang 'yan si Zade, Sam," Shain muttered before setting a basket of assorted fruits above the table. "Naaalala ko noong college, halos hindi mo mapaalis si Zade sa tabi mo. Kaya alam namin na magigising na 'yan agad, kasi gusto ka na n'ya uling makasama, bruha," June said before she sat next to Lyric on the couch. I heard someone snort from behind me and discovered that it was September.
"I'm going out," Ashford suddenly announced and slid out the room. A minute later, Shain frowned at her phone and said, "I have to take this call." And went out, too.
Nagtagal sila doon ng isang oras bago bumalik sa mga trabaho nila. September promised to go back the next day and I nodded. When they left, tsaka ko lang pinapunta si Jen. She hugged me tightly upon seeing me.
"I know things are tough, Sam. Kaya mo 'yan."
"Thank you, Jen. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng gagawin ko kung wala ka rito."
"Alam mo namang solid tayo, e."
Mamaya pa ang punta nina Daze at Ian. Kaninang umaga ay si Ate Alexiana at Kuya Vane ang kasama kong magbantay. Kahapon naman ang nandito ay si Kuya Alexander at Si Ate Blythe. Sila Tita at Tito ay babalik mamayang gabi.
The first day, we were all cramped in here. Tita was crying so bad and Daze was, too. Pero sinabi naman ng doktor na kailangan lang bumawi ni Zade ng lakas at hindi naman kritikal ang kondisyon niya. We were all thankful. Tito Aaron promised to put the people who are responsible behind bars.
I used the daily savings that I kept under my bed in Ilocos to pay for the hospital expenses. It was about time I gave Zade back the money he spent for me during college.
I sat on a chair in front of his bed and caressed his hand. The steady beating of his heart calms me down. "I love you, Zade." I mumbled against his skin.
"Sam, masyado na kayong nasaktang dalawa. Ang dami ng dumadating na pagsubok sa inyo," Jen said softly. There was something in her tone that told me I wouldn't like the next thing she'll say. And I turned out to be correct.
"Don't you think those are signs that both of you should just let go?"
Kinagat ko ang labi ko at hinigpitan ang hawak sa kamay ni Zade. Idinantay ko ito sa pisngi ko habang nakatingin sa payapa niyang mukha.
"No..." I said in a sad yet determined voice. "Signs can mean anything. It just depends on how you view them. And those obstacles aren't signs that we should give up on each other. Those are signs that say we are both strong. We both deserve love. Because we survived numerous trials."
"Sam—"
I shook my head once more. "Jen, please know that nothing you say can make me change my mind. I am never leaving Zade. Not ever, okay?"
"Alright. Kung 'yan ang gusto mo, susuportahan na lang kita. Magkaibigan tayo, e."
"Some love is worth a million tears." I stood up and bent over to kiss Zade's forehead.
***
Ate Blythe and Kuya Alexander are watching over Zade today. I decided to take a few hours break to see the person I haven't visited for a long time. I was walking to the cemetery carrying a basket full of tulips. Tulips are her favorite.
Habang naglalakad ako papalapit sa puntod niya ay parang binibiyak ang puso ko nang matanaw ko ang isang pigurang nakaupo sa tapat niyon habang umiiyak. My shoulders fell down weakly.
It was my mother.
After all these years, I guess she still hasn't moved on from Ate Claudette's death.
I forced myself to continue walking even though every step hurt. Tumigil ako nang isang dipa na lamang ang agwat naman ni Nanay. She was hunched over while clutching her chest, pouring her heart out in one anguished cry. I wanted to fall down on my knees and put my arms around her, trap her in my embrace but I knew... I knew that my arms are not the ones she wished to be trapped in.
"'N-nay..." I held myself back from reaching out to touch her shoulders. "Nanay..."
Her back went rigid as she slowly turned to confirm if it was me. Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata niya. Pinahid niya ang mga luha sa mata niya at tinitigan ako ng matagal. Binaba ko ang mga bulaklak sa puntod ni Ate. Matagal na katahimikan ang bumalot sa aming dalawa habang nakatingin kami pareho sa puntod.
"Matagal kang nawala. Matagal kitang hindi nakita, Maria Samantha." It was like another person was speaking through my mother's mouth. It was as if she had been anticipating my visit.
"Marami hong nangyari sa akin, 'Nay. Kahit ako ho kapag binabalikan ko sa isip ko parang hirap pa rin ho akong paniwalaan," I responded. She nodded and there was silence. It went on for a few minutes... Hanggang sa hindi na ako nakatiis. I forced the words out of my mouth.
"Nay, hanggang ngayon ba hindi niyo pa rin ho ako napapatawad?"
I would've cried. But my eyes are too tired to produce more water.
"Mahal na mahal ko ang Ate mo. Mahal din naman kita, Sam. Pero una ko siyang iniluwal kaya siguro ganoon siya kalapit sa puso ko..." She sniffed.
Tahimik lang ako habang nakikinig sa kanya kahit na pakiramdam ko ay inaapakan ang puso ko sa sobrang sakit. But I had to hear the truth. I needed closure from this issue, we both need it.
"Matagal kitang sinisi sa pagkamatay niya. Kasi naisip ko, kung hindi ka nagpasaway noong gabi 'yon, kung hindi ka nagpagabi ng uwi... Kung... Kung hindi ka sinundo ng ate mo, kung hindi kayo nagkasalisi..." Humagulgol siya sa harap ko at tiniis ko ang sarili ko na yakapin siya ng mahigpit. "Kung hindi ka niya sinundo, sana kasama ko pa rin si Claudette. Sana natupad niya ang pangarap niya na maging isang guro..." Her tears fell on my sister's gravestone. Ate and I had the same dream. We both wanted to be teachers. That is one of the many things we had in common.
"Sorry... Sorry, 'nay." I was cracking underneath the flesh.
My mother took a deep breath. Lumipad ang kamay niya sa bibig n'ya para takpan ang mga tunog na lumalabas dito. Pinunasan niya ang mga luha niya gamit ang balabal bago humarap sa akin.
"Patawarin mo rin ako, Sam. Patawarin mo ako sa mga nagawa ko sa'yo."
I was taken aback by her words. But I was so overcame with my feelings that I surged forward to hug her. Hindi niya ako niyakap pabalik pero sapat na sa akin na hinayaan niyang mayapos ko siya. Pakiramdam ko ay doon pa lang gumaan na ang puso ko.
I let go and I stared at her old eyes. She had the same expression, but there was something in her eyes that changed.
"Patawarin mo ako, Sam. Alam kong marami akong pagkakamali at pagkukulang sa'yo, pero hindi pa ako handa na tanggapin ka sa buhay ko uli... Kapag tinitignan kita nakikita ko lang ang Ate mo, at nasasaktan pa rin ako. Hindi pa ako handang maging nanay uli sa'yo."
Mariin ko siyang niyakap muli. At sa pagkakataong ito ay gumanti siya ng yakap.
"Hihintayin ko ho, Nay. Alam niyo naman kung saan kami pupuntahan ni Zade, 'di ba?Maghihintay po ako kung kailan kayo magiging handa."
"Salamat."
That was her final word. Then she gave a sad glance to Ate's gravestone before she walked away and not once did she look back.
"We love you, Ate," I whispered before I straightened. "Namimiss kita. Ang dami kong gustong ikuwento sa'yo. Ang dami kong payo na gustong hingin. Namimiss ko ang boses mo at ang paghaplos mo sa buhok ko noon tuwing may problema ako."
Umihip ang malakas na hangin at pakiramdam ko ay ito ang yakap sa akin ng kapatid ko. Tinitigan ko nang matagal ang daang tinahak ni Nanay bago ako naglakad pabalik. Halfway there, I received a call from Ate Blythe telling me to hurry back. It would take an hour for me to get there kaya binilisan ko ang kilos ko.
Nang makabalik ako sa ospital ay nagulat ako nang makitang nandoon lahat sila. Tita Cassi, Tito Aaron, Zade's siblings and their spouses. Nakapalibot sila sa kama ni Zade.
"Sam, sweetheart..." Tita Cassi's eyes were wet with tears.
I looked at Daze and saw her sniffling in the corner.
"No..." I murmured. "Ano hong nangyari? Okay lang ba si Zade?" Nagmamadali akong lumapit sa kama at parang huminto ang puso ko sa nasilayan ko. Akala ko pagod na ang mata ko sa pag-iyak pero hindi pa pala. Bigla na lamang bumuhos ang mga luha. Sabay sabay silang nagbagsakan pababa ng pisngi ko. Sinabayan nila ang bilis ng pagtahip ng dibdib ko.
Zade was smiling at me.
Agad ko siyang binigyan ng yakap at mahina siyang napahalakhak. I buried my face on his chest and cried like a baby. He's conscious! At last! His arms wrapped around me and he kissed the top of my head. I cried his name and he ruffled my hair.
"Gising ka na... Gising ka," paulit-ulit kong saad. He groaned a bit and shifted.
"We were all worried," I said shakily. I could feel him bobbing his head.
"Sam..." Garalgal ang boses na tinawag niya ako. Itinapat niya ang bibig niya sa tainga ko bago bumulong. "Nagtagumpay naman ako, 'di ba?"
"Oo, Zade. Salamat. Nagtagumpay ka sa pagligtas sa akin."
Mahina siyang natawa. "Alam kong nailigtas kita. That's not what I meant."
"Ano pala ang ibig mong sabihin?"
"Nagtagumpay naman akong matakpan ang cleavage mo, 'di ba?" bulong niya.
I laughed. I was crying and laughing at the same time.