Second to last part. And the feather ^^^.
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Thomas gazes at me with faded eyes, almost sizing me up like he's trying to figure out the meaning of my question.
How do you let go of someone who's passed?
His elbows rest on his desk, his hands together with his fingers interlocked, his eyes staring at me from over top of them. Levi stands directly behind me; though I can't see him, I can feel him. Every once in a while I swear I see Thomas's eyes flicker up, almost like he thinks he sees him too, but can't be quite sure. My own eyes rest steadily on him, waiting for an answer.
"Are you asking...how you should let go of your grief?"
"...sort of, I guess..."
The old man sighs and lowers his hands. "That's a difficult question to answer," he says evenly. "Everyone's unique, so everyone grieves differently."
I swallow. I have to find a way to put this as to not give anything away but to tell as much of the truth as possible. "I guess...I guess I want to know how to accept that he's gone," I say, knowing well that Thomas knows who I mean. "And to...to know how to move on...I guess..." I mentally cringe at the way I ended the sentence the same way I started it.
Thomas's gaze holds steady with mine, but the corners of his wrinkled lips turn down fractionally. "You won't like the answer I have for you."
My stomach clenches. Levi makes a noise behind me, and I brace myself - mentally and physically, the muscles in my abdomen tightening. "I can handle it," I tell him. I surprise us both with how even my tone is.
The old man lets out a long breath through his nose, removing his hands from his desk entirely. "Live," he says. "Move on with your life, and then you can let go of the past. Find something to occupy your time - something you enjoy, that will mold your mind to think less about then and more about now, and the future."
"You mean...distract myself?"
"No. I mean live." His hands come up and curl into fists like he's gripping something invisible. "Life doesn't stop for anybody, and the best thing you can do for yourself is drift along in its flow. Have new experiences. Make new memories. Unstick yourself from all the pain in your heart and tell yourself you can overcome it. Wake up every morning with that thought in your head and tell yourself you can't be chained down, and continue to tell yourself that until you aren't chained down."
My throat seems to close up and I direct my attention to my feet. "Does that mean...I have to forget...?"
"No, absolutely not," he says enthusiastically. "Remember it, but don't let it be a weight that holds you back. Don't let those memories anchor you to the past and keep you from living in the present, or you'll miss everything and end up with a world of regret later."
Regret. The word hits home. I have to force myself from looking back at the winged being behind me despite there being no need. Levi agrees. I can feel it in my very bones.
"And if you have to, keep drawing," continues Thomas, "but keep moving. And I think your first step is moving out of that castle."
I glance back up. I've known that. Levi told me the same thing. So has Mikasa, and several others.
"Tea shop," I say; the words have left my mouth before I even had a chance to think them through.
"Hm?"
"One of Levi's secrets was that he wanted to open a tea shop...but he never got to. I want to do it for him."
And Thomas's proud smile is bigger than I've ever seen it.
* * *
"Hey, Armin," I say later the same evening at dinner. The blond stands next to me stirring his steaming pasta.
"What's up, Eren?" he asks with a cautious smile.
I occupy myself with pulling down a box of tea bags and sorting through to find the flavor I want. "I've got...kind of a strange question for you," I begin.
"I'm listening."
Select a bag, pull them from the box and replace it in the cabinet. "Do you have a plan? I mean, for the future?" Place the bags in a mug and wait for the kettle to whistle. "Like, are you ever going to move out of here?"
"Eventually," he says before filling his mouth with noodles. "Why do you ask?"
"I'll explain in a minute. But do you plan on doing research on the titans for the rest of your life?"
"Well, my ultimate goal is to explore the outside world as thoroughly as I can before I can't move anymore," he says with a halfhearted chuckle.
"Ah," I say, trying and failing to hide my disappointment.
"What's this about all the sudden, Eren?" he asks, eyeing me through the dissipating steam.
Buying time, I pour the water into my cup and place the kettle back down to cool off and absently stir my tea with a spoon. As I turn to face Armin, Levi comes into view out of the corner of my eye, sitting with his legs crossed on one of the tables.
"I wanna move out," I say; Armin isn't completely able to hide his surprise. "And I think I'm gonna try and open a tea shop."
"A tea shop?" he asks in bewilderment.
"Yeah." I glance up; his big blue eyes are clearly confused and he's neglecting his noodles. "For Levi."
"Oh..." he murmurs, face relaxing slightly, eyes drifting away for a moment.
"I was going to ask if you wanted to join me," I go on. "But you've got your own plan, so I won't ask you to mess with that just for me."
Armin hums, going back for another bite. I blow on my tea and lift it to my lips. I have to suppress my yelp of pain as the hot liquid assaults my tongue, and Levi rolls his eyes; I just ignore him. I'm about to tell Armin goodnight and head back to either mine or Levi's room when he speaks up again.
"That actually sounds fun," he says. "I think that's a good way to uphold his legacy. I mean, the man's blood was practically tea." From the corner of my eye, I see Levi uncross his legs and lean forward in Armin's direction and I have to take another sip of searing tea to stop myself from laughing too hard. "And it'd be nice to work with my best friend again."
My cup nearly slips out of my grasp. "B-best friend?" I stammer, not even bothering to hide my shock.
"Yeah, why?" Armin says around a smile. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. It's just I thought...you didn't see it that way anymore...because I've been so distant..." I trail off, getting a small taste of that regret Thomas was talking about.
"Eren," Armin states matter-of-factly, "You've been my friend since we were kids, and you always stood up for me. You even yanked me out of a titan's throat. No matter what happens between us, you'll always be my best friend."
I press my lips together for a moment. "You shouldn't be so forgiving," I say. "I've been a shit friend."
He shakes his blond head. "It's nothing to worry about now. It just makes me happy that you've come back and decided to ask me to accompany you in this tea shop business. And I accept."
"Wait, seriously?" I plop down onto the chair beside him. "But you've already got plans..."
"They can wait," he says. "I'm still young. I've got plenty of time to explore. Plus, I still need a while to get ready for that, and Hanji and I have found we've got enough research to last us for years, if not decades. As long as you're okay with my doing research on the side, I'll gladly work with you."
My smile is small, but it's more natural than it's been in a long, long time.
* * *
"I don't deserve him..." I mumble into Levi's neck later that night as we lie across his bed. "I don't deserve anyone."
"You're full of shit, Eren," he mutters, running the very tips of his fingers up and down my bare spine. "He's your best friend."
"But I've fucked it all up in the past couple years. I don't understand how he can just accept me back into his life almost like nothing ever happened." I shiver as he brushes over that one sensitive spot; my skin is a mess of goosebumps.
"He's happy you're coming back. He's missed you."
"Hmph. How do you know?"
"You mean you couldn't tell?"
"What? No..."
"You've still got a long way to go, kid..." His lips press against my hair and his palm presses to the middle of my back. "But you're gonna be okay."
My heart clenches. I can feel the goodbye in his words, and it's the most bittersweet thing I've ever tasted.
"So what're you gonna name the tea shop?" he asks after a while.
"I don't know...I thought I'd just keep the title we talked about earlier."
"Humani-tea, huh?" He snorts.
"Unless you want it to be something different."
"No. Keep it. I like it."
"Okay."
"You've got a lot to learn, though. There's more to tea than just making it, and you're not even that good at that. I'm glad you recruited Armin." I smack his shoulder. "He's not the best, either, but at least his has flavor," he continues. I pinch his bicep, but he's unaffected. "Yours is so weak it's practically water, and--"
I stretch my neck up and plant my lips right into his, ending his sentence right there. His lips mold to mine so easily and I dive right in for more until my lungs are screaming for air.
* * *
I sleep very little in the next few days, stretching out my time with Levi as long as I possibly can. We visit the top of the wall every night for the better part of a week, and unless it's absolutely necessary, I never let go of him. Still, I can feel him starting to slip away; the more I plan things with Armin and have something to look forward to, the less he's there. Physically, he stands next to or behind me, but more often he seems to zone out, staring off into space with a blank look on his face, and I can't help but wonder if that's how I look when I blank out. I keep pulling him back, but it happens more often, and he'll fade out of speaking in the middle of his sentence and forget what he was talking about. His wings will twitch and shake at random moments, his feathers quivering almost like he's cold despite his extra body heat.
It hurts. It physically hurts in my chest to watch him like this. And the more it happens, the more I realize this isn't where he's supposed to be, and the more I seem to resent myself for holding him here so long.
"Don't," he says as we're sitting in his window sill instead of atop the wall, my head on his shoulder and his arm protectively around my waist, his head leaning down against mine.
"Don't what?" I mumble sleepily; it's been a day and a half since I last slept, and I only dozed off for a couple of hours. Needless to say, I'm exhausted, but I will keep myself awake as long as I can.
"Hate yourself because of me."
"Why?"
"Not worth it." His sentences continue to shorten...
"Do you hate me?"
"No. 'M glad I could spend this time with you." His words slur more, like he's tired as well...
"Me too."
I feel lips in my hair, and something wet suddenly soaks into the cloth of my shorts on my thigh. Confused, I look up; none of the wispy clouds floating by could possibly be carrying rain, and that's when I spot the wet trail down Levi's cheek. I immediately sit up straighter and reach for him.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
"Don't lie."
His hand comes up to wipe across his eyes, but more tears seep from his ducts. I can't fathom any reason he'd be crying; he's Levi. He doesn't cry often at all.
He's really slipping away from me again...
So I cry with him, wrapping my arms around his waist and holding on for what feels like the last time, as much as I don't want to believe it. I inhale slowly and deeply in an attempt to memorize his scent and hold it within me forever.
"You...should get some sleep," he tells me once the tears have slowed and our breathing has mostly evened.
"Come with me," I mumble into his neck.
"Always," he says. And it sounds so un-Levi-like, but it warms something within me.
We somehow make it to the bed without letting go of one another and curl up around each other. We don't bother with the covers, so he simply covers me with a wing while I reach up to peck his lips, not expecting it to turn into something long and tender and absolutely bittersweet but appreciating the fact that it does anyway.
He starts humming, too, and I let the sound lull me to sleep, but not before hearing it - the final, beautiful declaration in my favorite voice.
"I love you, Eren."
* * *
It's cold. I don't search the sheets for the warm skin or feathers. The bed feels entirely too empty. Loneliness washes over, but so does peace. Outside, I can hear the breeze pulling through, and I think I hear wind chimes - ones I'd never noticed before.
I don't have to open my eyes to know it, but I do anyway. The sheets stretch out in front of me, empty. The only trace of someone having been there are long since cooled off wrinkles. The bed ends, there's a gap, and the wall stretches up to the open window. It's early afternoon.
I sit up, staring out. Part of me wants to cry, another wants to laugh. I do neither, but move to the edge of the bed and stand. Take two steps to be between the fluttering curtains. The air smells nice - sweet, crisp, fresh. It's a cool day for mid-summer.
I look out past the tree, to the fields. Let my eyes wander up to the sky for a moment before looking back down.
In the window sill lays a single black feather. I pluck it up and twist it between the pads of my thumb and forefinger, watching it glint in the light.
"I love you, too, Levi," I whisper to the wind.