The next morning, I wake up with a huge grin on my face. I try to wipe it off but I can't. It's etched to my face the entire morning, and it's still there even after I brush my teeth, take a shower and slip into my clothes.
Oh god, I'm so damn whipped.
I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop thinking about how rough and soft his lips feel against mine, how light his touches against my skin, teasing me, and how fiercely he kissed me, as if he wanted me so bad he never wanted to let me go.
Everything with Jax is always contrasting and colliding. He's mean and arrogant, then charming and sweet. One minute, I want to gauge his eyeballs out and the next, I'm wondering how talented those lips are if they meet with mine again. I'm pretty sure I only got the preview last night.
My index finger glides over my bottom lip and I remember how he sucked on it and bit it softly, making me emit a small moan.
Damn, I felt like I was high on narcotics last night because it was too surreal. Everything was perfect. He was perfect. He was kind and sweet, but he never lost his snarky and arrogant side. And I never wanted him to too. For once, I found myself enjoying his company despite his cocky smirks and boisterous words.
Another smile forms on my face, this time even larger than the last.
I've never acted like this before. I feel like so giddy, brimming with excitement. No one has ever made me feel this way before. No man has ever made me feel this way before.
I want him—all of him. The frontier that he displays, the shadows that he hides. His rough edges and his fucked-up personality. His brutality, viciousness, selfishness, kindness and affection for me. All of them I want to embrace, just like how he's embraced everything of me.
I think about him when I head down the stairs for breakfast. The driveway is empty with the exception of my car, so that means my parents aren't home. There's a small stack of grilled cheese sandwiches sitting on the kitchen counter so I take one and bite on it.
I find Beth sitting on the sofa watching re-runs of Friends. I join her, sitting next to her cross-legged. "Hey," I say.
"H-hey," she mumbles. She doesn't acknowledge my presence. Her eyes are still glued to the television screen.
"How was bowling with T and Bray last night?" I ask.
"Fine."
"Did you guys have fun?"
"Yeah."
Then, silence.
That's weird. Usually, she's quite chatty in the morning.
"So, who won?" I ask, shifting my position so I'm facing her. I nudge her on her shoulder playfully. "I bet Bray did. She's been bowling since she was six. One time, she brought me along, she—"
"I know you went on a date with Jax last night," Beth blurts out.
Shit.
"How—?" I'm absolutely taken aback, completely lost for words. "How did you—"
"Bray wasn't doing a g-good job hiding it. She l-let it slip while we were having d-dinner," she murmurs, grabbing the remote and turning off the television. When she turns to look at me, she looks absolutely devastated. "And he t-texted you this morning. S-said that he really enjoyed last night."
I close my eyes, trying to find the right words to say.
"I'm sorry, Beth." I try to grab her hand but she doesn't let me. The liveliness and the color in her face disappears. All there's left is hurt. "It wasn't supposed to be a date—"
"So y-you went on this thing with Jax thinking that it w-wasn't a date?" Beth asks, narrowing her eyebrows. "It's so obvious that it was from the very beginning!"
"Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't want it to be a date. I was just going to hang out with him. I swear."
"And then it turned into something more," she breathes.
I nod my head slowly. She looks away.
"Y-you knew," she whispers. "Y-you knew that I liked him. And you still went out with him b-behind my back."
I say nothing.
"I l-liked him for so long," she says quietly. "You never paid any m-mind to him. You didn't even know who h-he is until Braydon and I dragged you along to the fight two weeks ago."
Anger flashes in my eyes.
"So, just because you knew him before me, I'm not allowed to date him?" I ask her, baffled. "That doesn't even make any sense!"
"N-no, that's not what I mean." She shakes her head. "What I mean is that you knew I like him. You knew. And you still went on that date with him anyway. H-how do you think that makes me feel, Si? W-What if you like Josh McCall—"
I scoff. The supposed 'hottest' guy in our school. The title is debatable, really. "I will never like Josh McCall—"
"—but what if y-you did and I went on a date with him and completely d-dismissed the fact that my sister has such a h-huge crush on him?" she says.
"But if you liked him and you really saw it going somewhere, I would be happy for you. It doesn't matter if I like him or not, in the end, I still want you to find your happiness," I tell her.
Beth's still not backing down on it, oh no. I've never seen her this pissed before. Her entire face is hot red from anger and she's glaring at me.
"You said I didn't have a-anything to worry about. You s-said you didn't like him."
"Well, people can have a change of heart!" I exclaim.
"B-But it's not fair." She shakes her head. At this point, I'm not sure if she's trying to convince me or herself. Maybe it's a little bit of both. "I l-like him so much."
"He barely even knows that you exist!" I cry, and the whole room falls into silence. Beth just stares at me, looking absolutely shocked. "Honestly, Beth. Why are you making me up to be the villain here? Yeah, I knew you liked him. But it doesn't even matter. But he chose me, Beth. He chose me. He went out with me. He kissed me. Not you," I snap at her. "He was never even yours to begin with. So stop acting like he was."
Beth looks away, tears brimming in her eyes. I know I hit a nerve; I always do when I snap. It's an occasional habit of mine. But I can't help it. She's being so unreasonable here.
Beth is my sister; my other half. I love her and I would do anything to make her happy. But for once in my life, I'm happy. Can't she push her damn feelings aside for Jax and just let him and me be?
"Beth..." I reach out to touch her but she shifts away from me, her back facing towards me. She's wiping tears from her eyes. "Beth... fuck. I'm sorry."
"P-please don't." She shakes her head. "Just l-let me be."
"I'm sorry," I murmur. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to be that harsh."
"Y-you always speak your mind. I c-can't blame you for that," she stutters. "J-just, leave me alone."
"But, Beth—"
"Leave me alone."
Guilt and hurt make my heart clench. I try to fight the urge to console her because deep down, I know I need to give her her space to think things over—about what I said.
"Okay," I whisper. "Okay. Fine. I'll call you later."
And then I exit, not before I hear Beth's sobs fill the room.
* * *
I'm hitting the punching bag so hard blood starts to pool on my knuckles and seep into the hand-wraps.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Jax comes up from behind me, grabs my shoulder and pulls me away from the punching bag. The bag swings back and he braces a hand forward to steady it, then turns to me, giving me an incredulous look. "What the fuck up is up with you today?"
I'm breathing hard, my hands squeezing my my waist as I breathe in and out, in and out, in and out. Jax continues staring at me, waiting for my reply.
"Well?" He asks, jerking his head. "You're hurting yourself. You're hands are bleeding."
"I thought that was normal."
"Fuck no." He shakes his head. "It means you're done for today."
"What?" I ask. "No, please—"
"You're done, princess." He reaches forward to place his hands on my shoulders. His kohl eyes find mine, tracing them, and my breathing starts to even out. "Done. You need to rest. You're going to overwork yourself."
"I know," I breathe. "I'm sorry. I just..." I tear my eyes away from him and let out a long breath.
Jax senses something wrong. "What?" He asks, bracing his hands above his waist. "What is it?"
I sigh. "Beth."
"Your sister?" He says, knitting his eyebrows in confusion. He steps back and folds his arms across his broad chest. "What about her?"
"She's mad at me," I tell him. "She found out about our date last night and got upset."
Jax continues to stare at me blankly. "Why would she get upset over that?"
I roll my eyes. "She's in love with you, you idiot."
"She is?" He asks and I nod. Then, he shrugs. "I guess that explains it."
"What?"
"She was looking at me all weird and shit when we first met," he says. "It makes sense. I know I'm a fucking major hotshot."
"See, it's sentences like that that makes me want to gauge your eyeballs out."
He chuckles softly. "Oh, come on. You want me to lie about it, princess?" He asks me, eyes gleaming. "I like to be very blunt about things. You've been hanging out with me these two weeks. You of all people should know that by now."
"There's a difference between being honest about yourself and being cocky."
"Well, I think it's the same thing." He smirks. "Maybe you should try it sometime."
I laugh. "Be cocky? Uh, no thanks. That's not how I roll."
"Hang out with me more and that's all you're gonna be, trust me on that." He winks at me. He takes the bottle of water from the bench and pass it to me. I take it from him and open the cap, dumping the cool liquid into my mouth. "So, what are you going to do about your sister? It's obvious that it's tearing you apart."
"I don't know." I shrug. "There's really nothing I can do. I mean, I can't make her stop liking you. She's been obsessed with you since forever."
That earns a cheeky grin from Jax. "Really? Interesting," he says, pleased. "How obsessed, exactly? Does she have my pictures all over her bedroom walls? Does she touch herself when she watches my fighting videos—"
"Ew!" I say, scrunching up my face in disgust. "I don't know! And I don't want to know. That's disgusting."
A low chuckle vibrates from his throat. "I'm just messing with you, princess."
"Why are you so interested anyway?" I ask him. "You like her or something?"
Jealousy masks my face and Jax notices. A sly grin forms on his face.
"And if I did?" He says, taunting me.
"Then, you're a fucking asshole," I snap at him.
He chuckles deeply. "Relax, princess. I'm not. I only said that to get your jealous. You're hot when you're a green-eyed monster."
I merely scowl at him. He laughs even harder. I can't believe he's making fun of me for being this way. For once, I'm not trying to hide my feelings for him. But now, I'm being made fun of for showing a little bit too much of them. I don't know what he wants.
"So, what are you going to do about your sister?" He asks me, pulling me towards the bench."Are you going to stop seeing me just to please her?"
I take my seat on the bench next to him and a small frown sets on my face.
"I wasn't aware that we were...seeing each other. Because seeing each other implies that we're romantically involved, right?" I say, looking at him. I don't know what I want when it comes to Jax, really. Okay, scratch that. Maybe I do. I want him and I don't want anyone else to have him. I want him to be mine. But I'm not sure if he feels the same way. "Look, I know we haven't really talked about what happened last night... and maybe you don't ever want to talk about it—"
"Hey now, who says I don't want to?" He sieves his hand to cup my cheek, his thumb sliding over my skin. He reeks of sweat but I don't really care. I do too and he's not complaining. "Last night was fucking awesome. And I want to do it again. I want to do it a lot more."
"Just to make it clear, you're implying that you want more dates, right?" I whisper.
"Yes, princess. I mean exactly that." He chuckles again. "I've never wanted anyone the way I want you, you have to know that. I usually just fuck and leave, but with you...I want to stay," he says.
I feel like my heart is about to burst from my body. "Really?"
"Yeah. I want to stay," he says, reaffirming himself. "Stay and fuck. The last part is optional. Except I know you really want to."
That makes me laugh. "What happened to the whole 'I don't date' thing?"
"Fuck that," he says, scratching his head. "Maybe it's time I tried a different route."
I nod. Maybe it's time I did too.
"So? What are you thinking?" He asks me.
"I'm thinking that I've been denying my feelings for you for too long now. And I'm thinking that I want to stay too."
A huge grin forms on his face. "I told you I'll get you to break. Told you I'll get you to admit that you like me after the date," he says, running the back of his hand down my shoulder. "Let's face it, baby: I'm fucking irresistible."
"Oh, whatever." I whack him on his arm but wince when my hand makes contact with rock hard muscle. God dammit, I have to stop trying to break my damn hand. "Besides, I still don't know what to do with Beth. She means the world to me. I hate that she's upset with me."
"Let me ask you one question..." He shifts closer to his face is inches away from mine. "You want me right?"
Slowly, I nod.
"And I want you," he murmurs. "And that's all there is to it. Beth can go screw herself. If she truly loved you, she would be happy for you, regardless of how she feels for me."
That's exactly what I've said to Beth this morning. I haven't been so sure if I was right to tell her that. But coming from Jax's mouth... I guess it makes sense. It shouldn't matter how Beth feels for Jax. This sure as hell isn't her story.
It's mine and Jax's. The two of us.
And nobody else matters.
She's not going to ruin this for me. I'm not going to let her.
"I guess you're right," I say, leaning my head against his shoulder. I should feel odd, being this close to a guy before, but for some reason, it feels really nice with Jax. I crave the intimacy, the closeness with him.
"Hey," Jax murmurs, tilting my chin up with his index finger so that my face levels with his. His dark eyes find mine, swirls of shadows and darkness that I want to uncover so bad. And I know that I'll have the time. I want to break him—all of him—and heal him, just like how he's healing me. "You're going to be fine. Fuck anyone who gets in the way of your happiness."
I nod. "Fuck them."
He grins, then leans forward to fuse his lips with mine. He's firm, assuring, rough and gentle at the same time. The perfect amount of pressure as he sucks on my bottom lip, surely and slowly. One of his hands dig into my hair and pull me closer towards him and I moan slightly when he deepens the kiss.
"Oh, fuck me, get a room!" I hear Julian's voice thunder through the entire gym.
Jax breaks apart from me and chuckles. "I gotta get back to training."
"With me, hopefully?" I flutter my eyes, putting a hopeful smile on my face.
"I said you're done for the day, princess." He points to the bench. "Rest. And then I'll take you back home."
Home. What is home anymore? My entire family is falling apart. I'm going back to a broken household.
"What if I don't want to? What if I want to stay here with you and train again?"
Jax sighs. "I thought you were supposed to stick to the rules, princess."
"Well, you told me to break them so..." I say, grabbing a new set of hand-wraps from the edge of the bench and standing up. "I'm gonna break them."
He shakes his head, grinning. "Fuck, baby. I've turned you into a monster."
Yes. I think to myself. Yes, he did.
And the whole world is going to fucking tremble under my two damn feet.
* * *
A/N: WE JUST REACHED 100K FOLLOWERS! Can't believe there's like a 100K Dia-hards now, it's crazy! Thank you guys so much for all the support these past two years. It's been an incredible journey being on Wattpad and I can't wait for what's about to come in the future.
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