I ran down the stairs. My heart was in my throat. It was pounding like a beast, deafening the world around me. I heard music. I heard voices. Dozens of eyes staring at me. People whispering. People yelling.
''Dude, did you just kiss Gaia Monforte?"
"I thought you had a girlfriend."
I pushed them. I pushed them away. Suffocating, striving for air. The smell of champagne. The laughter. The big chandelier. Just shut up. All of you. Please, just shut up. I need to find her. I need to find her because I might have lost her forever and if I did lose her that's the end of me. So get out of my way. Stop dancing. Stop twirling and swinging and laughing and yelling. Please. Your blurry faces and my blurry mind. I need to get out.
The fountain. Yes, the fountain. She must have been there. I ran outside, I ran to her. Breathing heavily, not feeling my legs. And then I saw her. Yet somehow I wasn't relieved. She was sitting on the edge of the fountain, looking at her crown of flowers floating on water. She looked tired.
''Noemi.''
My cracking voice was hardly audible, but I knew she could hear me. We were far away from the party, there was no music in this lonely place. She knew I was there. Standing a few meters away from her, with my heart in her hands. She knew I was there, yet she didn't do anything. She didn't say a word, she didn't move. She watched as the petals of her flower crown slowly disintegrated. She watched as they fell apart.
''Noemi.''
I took a step closer. I wanted to put more rage in my words, but all I did was utter desperate whispers. She looked at me. She looked at me and there was nothing in her eyes. I expected to find her on the edge of explosion. I expected tears. I expected yelling and crying and jealousy and anger. I knew it would have broken my heart, but it would have been better than this. Better than this cold silence and stoned hearts. Better than empty eyes and breathless whispers.
Say something, Noemi. Please, just say something. Tell me that when you saw me kissing her your chest exploded. Tell me that you hate me and you hate my lips. That I disgust you, that I'm repelling. Just don't be silent. Don't be like this.
"My mum just called me," she said. "I did it. I actually did it, Pit."
Her eyes shone with glory and I just stood there all confused. "What? What are you talking about?"
She sighed and lowered her head. The enthusiasm and astonishment in her voice quickly disappeared. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she whispered. "I didn't think I would actually win, I didn't expect anything. I just... I didn't want you to be stressed or start having doubts, I – "
"What did you win?"
She looked at me like she had never done before and in her eyes I read a thousand things. Love. Fear. Compassion. Guilt. I knew those eyes were like a ticking bomb.
"A full scholarship," she said. Then she paused, she bit her lip and gulped down the fear of saying the next words. "Two years in Sweden."
Two years. In Sweden.
Boom. Whatever she said next, I didn't hear it. I didn't hear it because my mind was boiling and my heart was breaking apart. And she kept talking and talking and her voice was shaking too and maybe she knew that she was talking too fast and saying too much but maybe she thought that if there is no silence, there are no tears. But I didn't care about her physics project and her dream of becoming an astronaut. I didn't care about this stupid Swedish engineering school and I didn't care that it was one of the most important ones. I wished she could just stop and kiss me and tell me that we'll never be apart.
I looked at her and for a moment I thought that maybe this didn't mean anything and we could go back to normal with our hearts side by side. That this winter wasn't the last one that I shared with her, that her hands would always search for mine. But then I looked at her, really looked at her. And I remembered who she was. She was Noemi fucking Defelice. Her ambition and her fire were the reason I fell in love with her in the first place. Maybe they could be the reason I'd unlove her. It wasn't impossible, right? People forget each other, people fall out of love. Noemi wasn't any different. Maybe I could even hate her. Yeah, it would be easier that way. To hate the way she laughed like there was no one around or the way she kissed like an amateur. To hate her and the way she sometimes tried too hard. With her indie records and her stupid quotes and her stupid wild hair. I wanted to hate her. I really, really wanted to.
But I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't hate her nor the idea of her being in Sweden or in space. What I hated was the idea of me, being here in Genoa without her. I couldn't imagine my life without Noemi Defelice. Mornings without her smiles, evenings without her kisses. Study sessions without cuddles and philosophical debates.
I felt a lump in my throat suffocating me. My eyes burned.
"When are you leaving?" I asked.
"August." She looked at me and her eyes were as red as mine.
She came closer, but I took a step back. She said my name, but I hated the way she said it. I wondered how many times I would hear it again. How many days left, how many seconds. Her tongue seemed to twist in a different way and if I kissed her it wouldn't remember me. She read the war on my face, she read all the resentment I felt at that moment.
"I thought you'd understand," she whispered. "You are my first love and I love you so much, but..."
"I understand," I said. "I understand perfectly. Congratulations, Noemi, have a nice life."
My bitter sarcasm spilled poison on our wounds. ''Don't,'' she choked out. There was this sadness in her voice that I couldn't bear, but there was also anger.
"I'm happy for you," I said. "I really am. You can go wherever the hell you want, Noemi. But now please leave me alone."
I turned around and bit the inside of my cheek. There was so much I wanted to tell her, but in that moment I couldn't even look at her. I couldn't look at her without bursting into tears. I couldn't talk to her without making her cry. And maybe silence would be painful too. Maybe me walking away would break her heart. Maybe it would break mine. But I had to go. It was selfish and ruthless and pathetic, but it was the only thing I could do.
"Don't you dare walk away like that," she yelled.
I tried to ignore her words. I walked away and she just watched me leave in shock. I knew she cried because I heard her sobs. I knew I cried because my cheeks burned and I couldn't see shit and I was so angry at her and so angry at myself. What the hell was happening? This wasn't supposed to be part of our storyline. We were supposed to be together, to scream triumphantly against the sea. Who were the strangers that replaced us tonight, who hurt each other with those cruel words? I was her first boyfriend. And this was our first St. Valentine. Together. Just an hour ago there was thrill in her eyes. It sparkled like the brightest star in the sky. She wanted to dance with me till sunrise. And now? Now she was all alone and I was all alone and we were both so fucking miserable.
I walked out the gate of the villa. I called Dario. I didn't even know why. He once said friends were supposed to be there for each other, and right now I needed him. He didn't pick up for awhile, but then I finally heard his flamboyant voice.
''Hello?'' he said.
''Hey, where are you?''
''Pit? I, uhm, I'm with the – ''
I heard chuckles.
''Are you at the party?''
'No, we left.''
''You left?'' My voice cracked a little.
''Yeah.'' I heard chuckles again. ''It was getting too messy, you know? With you and Gaia making out and Diego's fucking hand bleeding.''
''Don't even mention that bitch!'' I heard Diego yell. ''Wait, is that Pit? Are you talking to Pit?''
''Hey man, calm down! Jesus!'' Dario sighed. ''Look, I gotta go now. Can we – ?''
''Go fuck yourself, Pietro Rossi!''
Someone laughed. Maybe everyone laughed. Then they hung up. And just like that, I knew that my best friend hadn't been my best friend for a long time. I took a bus home. It was one of those late empty buses that smelt of puke. I sat there, in the company of a drunken man that kept repeating a depressing poem and an old lady falling asleep with paper bags on her lap. There was no music in my ears, no nice landscape outside the window. I just sat there and thought of everything that happened tonight and before I could wish to go back in time, I realized there was nothing I could change. Everything that happened had to happen because everything was decided before tonight. Because Gaia loved me yesterday and she loved me last week. Sweden had been visiting Noemi's dreams more often than I. And Dario was lost and he didn't want to be found. He had other friends now, and everyone had other plans. Me, all I had tonight was myself. Maybe not even that.