Jack P.O.V.
I flicked through songs on my iPod, not finding one that I wanted to listen to, and none of them particularly grabbing my attention or satisfying me. I gave up and just listened to the one that was playing, not focusing on it too much anyway when I looked up and observed what was happening.
I was outside on the school grounds on the field on lunch break, sitting under a tree that reminded me too much of Dean and I's 3rd kiss that was in the rain. That was our first kiss after we had gotten together, the first kiss where I only thought about how much I loved him nothing else, the worry about other peoples' opinions non-existent.
But here, I was certain everyone knew that I was with Dean, not that I had bothered denying it. But being freely open about my relationship status brought consequences such as giving the more popular groups of people in my year an excuse to tell me (or rather, corner me and shout) their homophobic thoughts that were about as pretty as Felix's.
Conformity is when you are influenced by other people to change your beliefs and/or behaviour to fit in with a group. I would assume that it was more common in schools, because you were stuck with these people for a long time so you had to stay in everyone’s good books and make sure that other people liked you, right? Also in schools there seemed to be a hierarchy, so the more 'populars' that liked or didn't like something or someone, the more likely everyone else swayed to their opinion.
So I guess that's how I only got a couple of bullies to be verbally or physically assaulted at every corner I turned. Oddly enough, the physical side of it wasn't too bad. I was strong and tall enough to fight back, but with time they had learned that I couldn't stand up for myself if I was outnumbered. But still, the words were completely crushing me. I tried not to be too bothered by them at first, but it was getting worse everyday. More words, more insults, just to see how far they could push me.
They had done it though, they had already broke me. I had become too scared to leave my house and put off going to school until the very last minute and when I got there I was just a nervous wreck who put on a good act. It was eating me alive and I couldn't put up with it anymore, I just couldn't do it.
I saw a messy black-haired boy walking towards me and I ducked my head even though I knew it wouldn't make any difference. As Lyle came closer, I began to feel sick as a cause of nervousness. I was sitting under this tree at the back of the field to purposely avoid people for the 40-minute lunch break we had so I could minimise the amount the abuse I got and brace myself for what I would get after.
"Jack," Lyle nudged me with his elbow when he sat down next to me and I took out my earphones, turning my head to look at him. "Hey."
"What's up?" I asked, stumbling over my words a little.
"Dunno. Just wanted to talk, I guess."
"Oh. Yeah, right."
"So, I heard what happened," Lyle said thoughtfully, picking at blades of grass.
"That doesn't surprise me," I mumbled. Half of me wanted to be as blunt as I could so he would leave me alone, but at the same time I had missed his company and wanted him to stay.
"Yeah. I mean, always knew you liked him. There's nothing with that though, I already told you that."
I laughed humourlessly, playing with my hem of shirt, still feeling nervous.
"God, they've really scared you, haven't they? Just ignore them Jack, they'll get bored eventually."
"It's not that simple," I sighed.
"Then what are you going to do?"
"I... I'm going to break up with him. I'm going to break up with Dean, maybe it'll help them stop..."
"Seriously?" Lyle looked at me confused, not quite understanding.
"Yeah, why?"
"We both know that will do jack all, just stick it out a bit longer. We break up soon, they'll forget during the summer holidays."
"It's worth a try," I shrugged.
"You're pretty damn selfish, aren't you? You're only thinking of yourself here, how do you think Dean will feel?"
I just shrugged, feeling guilty. He was right, I hadn't thought of Dean at all, but Dean was made of strong stuff...
"Then let me be selfish, Dean's not here having to deal with all of this," I snapped, glaring at the ground.
"No, but he's had to before, thanks to you. You'll make yourself more miserable if you break up with him, just do yourself and Dean a favour and keep things how they are," he sighed when I didn't respond and stood up, chucking the last bits of grass he had picked away. "Well, I gotta go anyway. See you around."
"Bye," I muttered, checking my phone after he had left to see a text from Dean I had received half an hour ago.
From: Dean
Scarlett's home, so just come round here if you're seeing us today <3
From: Jack
I'll be there :) <3
I gathered my things and put my music back on and walked back up to school, the cheers and chatter of excited younger years getting louder, managing to channel through my earphones.
With them came taunts and harsh names that made my heart race and blood come rushing to my cheeks, and they would've saw the shade of red I had turned if I wasn't looking down at my iPod that I was holding in my sweaty hand that was trembling.
"Fag!"
I turn up the volume a little more, the noise fading slightly.
"Queer!"
I turn it up more again, their insults are quieter now.
"Batty boy!"
I turn it up as far as it can go. Full volume blasting through the wires. The drum beats are pounding, the vocalist sounds like he's screaming his lungs out and the guitar sounds are deafening. It hurts my ears and I can't think straight, but I can't hear the words that are meant to hurt me now. I've blocked them out and it's like I'm in my own little bubble.
Eyes flicking up, I see are mouths are moving and I know they're directed at me, but I brush off the urge to find out what they're saying and just keep going forward.
I'm at the front of school now and there's no teacher on duty as usual, so I walk out the gates with no hassle and start my journey to Dean's house. Maybe it actually started when I got up and slung my bag over my shoulder under that tree, but now I'm just over-thinking and complicating things that don't matter.
I try and play out some words in my head, but they don't fit together. That could be because I'm not supposed to say them when things are going so well, not to mention the bad timing, but I've never learned how to be selfless or how to put others before myself.
I feel like my world is collapsing around me. I didn't have friends, school was horrific place to be and I was just about to end the best part of my life.
What if Lyle's actually right for once and I end up just damaging the one thing I treasure in my life and I don't actually fix anything?
It's possible. Anything's possible. But I've made up my mind now and I can't turn back, not unless I get a good reason to. I can't dwell on it too much because as soon as I know it I'm knocking on Dean's door.
His smaller brother opens the door and I think this is the first time I've seen Daniel smile genuinely, not to mention I've never seen him this relaxed. After all, the only times I've really seen him is when we were both sitting upright and tense in uncomfortable hospital chairs. I knew their situation still wasn't great and never would be, but I could see being home had already made a huge difference.
"Hey, come in," he walks to the stairs and I walk in, closing the door behind me and hear the door knocker bounce against it from the impact when it's shut. "Dean!" Dan calls and his voice triggers some movements upstairs and then there's footsteps leading down. My heart flutters when I know I'm seeing the boy I love any second now, but stomach's turning.
"Jack," Dean breathes with a smile even though I can tell from his bloodshot eyes that he's been crying. Despite what I'm going to try and do today though, I walk some steps so I'm right in front of him and interlock our fingers together and I lean down so I can kiss him because he looks so beautiful today. "Aren't you supposed to be at school?"
"Yeah, but you're more important to me," holding his hand doesn't quite compare to having him pressed up against me so my fingers slide away from his and my arms take their place around his neck while he puts his around my waist like usual. I feel how warm he is and realise that I'm actually freezing during our embrace, and I tighten my hold on him so he stays there a little longer.
"I love you," Dean mumbles against my chest and I can't help but say them back to him. My head is screaming at me and calling me a liar, but I know I'm not one. It's all true - all my words, all my actions but even though I'm going to end things I can't help but just simply cherish it all before I lose him.
"I need to talk to you Dean," the words fall out my mouth without any kind of consent and I'm hating myself for ruining the moment. He pulls away a little and stares me with wide eyes and curiosity and without a word leads me upstairs.
I remember that I haven't actually been into his room before so I'm a bit surprised when I see the bunk bed. His room is completely different to mine: it's a little messy but you can still see the floor, there are a couple of band posters from magazines tacked to the wall and there's a bookshelf with stacks of DVDs on top. There's a small desk up against the wall under the window and a guitar is balanced next to it.
"Those are Dan's," Dean tells me when he sees I'm staring at music books on the floor. "He plays and I sing with him sometimes. I don't play anything; I don't have the patience to learn, or the time to."
"Do you want to learn how to play?" I asked him after sitting down next to him on the lower bed and he shook his head.
"Not really, it's never appealed me. Anyway, stop avoiding the subject. What do you want to talk to me about?"
"Uhh..." But my mind is a mess and I don't know how to start.
"Don't worry, whatever it is, you can tell me." Dean puts on of his hands on top of mine and somehow it's enough to set all my irrelevant thoughts free and now I'm clear on what to say.
"I haven't been completely honest with you. About school, I mean," my eyes followed the pattern on the bed covers as I spoke as if they were leading me. "Remember just the other day when you asked how it was going and I said it had all stopped and it was fine? I was lying, it's not okay, it's not okay at all..."
"What's it like?" Dean's voice is quiet.
"Worse. It's much worse." I take a deep breath, risking looking up at him. I'm expecting him to be angry but he just looks concerned. I wish I hadn't said anything now; I didn't need to add myself to his list of worries. "It's everyone, they... Well. I don't know. I can't go anywhere without being called something. They try to fight me and they hit me when they catch me off guard, but it's okay."
"That's not okay Jack, you need to do something," Dean urged, and I looked back down at the bed a while ago, I can picture exactly how he would look now.
"Yeah, I was going to..."
"What is it?"
"I-I'm sorry," I stared up at my gorgeous boyfriend, the one with brunette locks and a matching chocolate colour for his eyes with dark circles underneath them.
My exhausted boyfriend who would do anything if I asked him to, and cared about anyone but himself and didn't think twice about it, assuming it was normal to look after everyone first.
My fragile boyfriend who opened up his heart to me, trusted me with everything I knew and still welcomed me back into his life even after I repeatedly hurt him.
My devoted boyfriend who made me happier than anyone else, made me realise who I really was and what really mattered.
Was I really going to throw that all away?
"Sorry for what?" Dean's question brings me down back to Earth and if he was just concerned earlier he's a lot more worried now, his eyes searching my face to find the words I couldn't bring myself to say.
"I'm sorry, for everything I put you through, back at school. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, I understand why you had to. You never actually hit me though, Jack."
"That doesn't make it fine though, does it? I let them hurt for way too long. I'm sorr-"
"Please don't apologize again, it really is okay. We can't change the past, let's just put it behind us."
I looked up and Dean smiled encouragingly, then moved up the bed so he was next to me instead of opposite and put his head on my shoulder, dragging his fingers slowly down my arm.
"Lie down with me," Dean murmured. When it was suggested I couldn't think of anything I would rather do and nodded and lay down on my side. With it being a single bed we didn't have much room, but it was all the more excuse to get as close to him as I possibly could.
"You just wanted me to lie down so you could just go sleep, didn't you?" I accused when Dean shut his eyes.
"Yep." He laughed but opened them again and I brushed away a strand of hair that was out of place.
"You're so beautiful," I told him without thinking, grinning when he blushed.
"Sap."
"Yeah, whatever. Go to sleep."
Dean quickly kissed me on the lips and then cuddled into me, and I thought about how wrong I was. My world isn't collapsing around me, and it never was.
I started singing to Dean quietly as slowly fell asleep and even after giggling once or twice, I stayed smiling even when his deep breaths were the only thing I could hear.