Beyoncé POV
We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better. Why does it sound so lovely to explore but the thought of leaving him pains me so much. Pain is a pesky part of being human, I've learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without. Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air. We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces. That's what I needed, to feel the pain of leaving the man I love in order for us to heal. One night of hot, steamy and passionate love making can not take away from the fact that we have problems not yet faced. Since waking up this morning I've looked down at him and prepared what I was going to say, he did promise we'd work though it. That's we'll sort this out and we can survive but to do that we need to be apart. So I've told myself, don't be ashamed to weep; it's right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us. In the time it takes for us to heal I will be able to find myself, I will be able to discover what I want out of life. In ten years time who will I be other than the woman on his arm, if even that. I am my own biggest critic. Before anyone else has criticised me, I have already criticised myself. But for the rest of my life, I am going to be with me and I don't want to spend my life with someone who is always critical. So I am going to stop being my own critic. It's high time that I accept all the great things about me. It's time for me to be on my own for a while and although I love him, I need to love myself too and staying with a man who can't see me for who I am anymore isn't doing justice to myself at all. It's not making me happy.
I stood in his room wearing my sneakers and some clothes I had left at his house a while a go with a draw string bag thrown over my shoulder and my heart out on the line as he sat up in the bed and looked at me.
" Growing up means learning what life is. When you're little, you have a set of ideals, standards, criteria, plans, outlooks, and you think that you have to sit around and wait for them to happen to you and then life will work. But life isn't like that, for anybody; you can't fall in love with a standard, you have to fall in love with a person. You can't live in a criteria, you have to live your life. You can't wait for your plans to materialise, because they may never materialise the way you think they will. You can't wait to watch your ideals and standards walk up to you, because you can't know what's yours until you have it. We must always take the first chance in case you never get a second one, but growing up takes that even one step further and all the ideals and criteria you have set in your head, those aren't yours so you need to make your own" He looked at me sadly, he didn't have a clue what I was talking about probably but he could feel it and so could I. We both felt it and it made me want to cry but I wasn't going to cry again, I've done enough of that already. It was time. "When I was little and running on the race track at school, I always stopped and waited for all the other kids so we could run together even though I knew (and everybody else knew) that I could run much faster than all of them! I pretended to read slowly so I could "wait" for everyone else who couldn't read as fast as I could! When my friends were short I pretended that I was short too and if my friend was sad I pretended to be unhappy. I could go on and on about all the ways I have limited myself, my whole life, by "waiting" for people. And the only thing that I've ever received in return is people thinking that they are faster than me, people thinking that they can make me feel bad about myself just because I let them and people thinking that I have to do whatever they say I should do. My mother used to teach me "Cinderella is a perfect example to be" but I have learned that Cinderella can go fuck herself, I'm not waiting for anybody, anymore! I'm going to run as fast as I can, fly as high as I can, I am going to soar and if you want you can come with me! But I'm not waiting for you anymore" He stood up wrapping the bed sheet around him and I took a step back. "I'm not waiting for you to look at me and see a woman anymore Jay. I'm sorry" I walked toward him and placed a soft kiss on his lips with my hand held on his cheek. "You know I love you, but we need a break" He held my hand in his delicately and I lifted his hand to my lips and kissed it before turning away from him and leaving his room. He didn't follow behind me, he was probably far too shocked too, but that made it easier for me to leave him. I found a person. And he belongs to me and I belong to him. But... for now, I'm going to be interdependent.
I continued walking toward campus and smiled to myself, I'm okay. Let go of certainty. The opposite isn't uncertainty. It's openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow. I can do this, I can live without him because there's a much bigger world out there than the one I created with Shawn Carter. One I have yet to venture.
Mona POV
Our parents can show us a lot of things: they can show us how we are to be and what things we ought to strive for, or they can show us how not to be and what things we ought to stray from, then you may have the kind of parents that show you all the things about you that you want to get rid of and you realise those traits aren't yours at all but are merely your parents' marks that have rubbed off onto you. When my mother went out day after day pleasing man after man I told myself I would never be the same, when my father pressured my sisters and I into doing bad things I told myself I would never be like that. I am aren't I? I'm with a boy who only wants my body and I've pressured my friend into doing bad things she doesn't really like. I've not exactly been the best of friends to her even though she's almost completely innocent and I am like the little devil on her shoulder who encourages her into the wrong thing. There is another chamber of my heart that shows no activity - the chamber that used to flicker into life when I saw a film that moved me, or read a book that inspired me, or listened to music that made me want to cry. I closed that chamber myself, for all the usual reasons. And now I seem to have made a pact with some philistine devil: if I don't attempt to re-open it, I will be allowed just enough energy and optimism to get through a working day without wanting to hang myself. but if I do, then I'll only be punishing myself. I think it's time I opened that Chamber and allowed myself to feel sympathy and empathy and to connect to my surroundings emotionally. Sex with Evan is completely physical, all these people I talk to are just puppets to make myself look better and forcing my friend into these things is just my way of making it seem like it's the right thing to do because I'm not doing it alone.
I lifted my head from the pillow I had been crying in and looked at Bey who stood in the middle of our dorm room with a gentle smiled on her face.
"I have something to tell you" She walked over to he bed and sat on in looking in my direction as I sat up and wiped my tears.
"I have something to tell you" I told her. We both looked at each other and at the same time said we were sorry but she elaborated first,
"I can't support you if I don't agree with what you're doing Mo. I don't want to go to any of these silly little student events because that's just not me. I'm academic and I'll meet new people and make friends on my own time. I'll venture out into New York city when I want and I'll have fun in my own way. Not your way, it's just not me" She shrugged and I took her hands in mine before chuckling and nodding my head.
"I agree, I don't want to go to those things anymore either" I admitted, "I'm really sorry for pressuring you, I just thought that if you did it as well then somehow that made it a little more acceptable. I didn't think at all, I didn't feel anything at all, I thought that was the only way to live but you've taught me that I was wrong and I'm so so sorry" I smiled at her and she smiled back at me, "I guess I'm the one who should be learning from you, not the other way around" She leaned forward and hugged me while I hugged her and we sat like that for a while. I really am sorry and I don't want to keep going like that. I was wrong. It's time to grow up.
"Hey" She looked at me and wiped my tears before smiling at me, "Let's get ready for class and then we'll pick up the boys and leave" She smiled brightly but I just looked at her confused. "This weekend, let's just get in the car and drive away, just the four of us having a look around the city for two days. We'll be back for class and we'll take money and our phones and we'll tell the dean and it will be perfectly fine. Just have a little fun" She smiled at me and I nodded my head in agreement.
"That sound great, imagine how many men we'll have to drag Scott away from. You know he loves New Yorkers" I chuckled before thinking about Evan and sighing, "I think I might split up with Evan" She raised her eyebrows and I continued. "We don't love each other at all, he just wants my body and that's it. I wish I could have what you and Jay have. You're so cute the way y'all love each other so much, I'm really happy for you guys" I watched as her face dropped and she bit down on her bottom lip.
"We split up" She whispered sadly, I pulled her into a hug knowing how serious they were and how hard this must be for her when she continued, "I just needed to do it, I needed him to realise that I'm not the only Bey anymore. I needed to give myself time to define what I want and who I want to be" She looked me in the eyes and I smiled a little.
"I'm sure everything will work out fine" She smiled at me but I could see she was holding tears back and I hugged her again before apologising once more and then we got ready for a day of work after all the previous drama. So this is the real College experience huh?
-Thank you for reading. Please vote and comment! Sorry for any mistakes
1) Bey and Jay spilt? How do we feel about that?
2) How long will it be before they're together again?
3) What will it take for them to get back together again?
4) What do you think of their relationship?
5) Did bey do the right thing?
6) Mona? Is she gonna change?
7) Do we feel differently toward Mona now ?
8) If you could give advice to any character... who would it be and what would you say?
9) So this little NYC Road trip? Do you think it's gonna be good for Bey?
10) What do you want to see in the following chapters?
11) How do we feel for Jay?
12) any comments...