Grayson remains silent as we drive down the road. The radio plays softly in the background, making the hectic situation somewhat more peaceful.
I am almost startled when he finally speaks.
"My dad and Ethan never really got along," I turn my eyes over to him, letting him know that I am listening.
"My dad was a tough person to get along with and you already know Ethan is too, and they just didn't mix really well. I know that sounds terrible, because they're father and son, but it's the truth. Ethan hated my dad, and my dad didn't care for Ethan," he turns the radio volume down before continuing.
"My dad was an alcoholic, too, so that obviously didn't help. It's sad because he was truly a good guy when it came down to it, but the alcohol just took all of his good qualities away. My dad would have never hurt my mom or Ethan and I, though. When he got drunk, he would always seem to stay away from the house."
Grayson sighs, and I notice his grip get tighter on the steering wheel.
"So he was never around much, because he was always drunk. That made Ethan hate him even more. I would have hated him, but I couldn't. He was my dad, the only dad I would ever have, so I kept that in mind. But, out of nowhere, my dad just lost it. He started yelling at Ethan and I more, and started to even scare mom. His worst stage lasted for only a month before he... committed suicide, at our house in New Jersey."
I can't help but gasp. I can't believe this.
"Ethan felt like it was all his fault, and he still does. He hated our father, and he felt like it was his hatred that sent him to do the unthinkable. My mom and I have told him non-stop over the years that none of it is his fault, but he doesn't listen. After our dad's death is when Ethan went off the rails. He started hooking up with random girls every weekend, getting in fights, and smoking. But one thing Ethan has never done is drink a sip of alcohol, and it's because of our dad."
I think back to one of the first times I ever met Ethan at one of the bonfire parties. I remember being so confused as to why he didn't drink, and now that I know, it makes so much sense.
"I even lost it a little bit after our dad's death, but I pulled myself together after mom got diagnosed with cancer. Ethan still hasn't."
It all makes so much more sense, now. Ethan is really just a badly damaged and hurt boy. I suddenly feel a burn in my chest, and I realize I have something in common with Ethan. I hate his father. It is his father that has turned him into the hidden, lost boy that he is today.
"I am so, so sorry, Grayson. You, Ethan, and Anne are the last people on earth to deserve something like this."
Grayson nods.
"Um, anyways, here in LA is where my mom and dad met, and it was one of their favorite places. That's why we moved here. So, I think I know where he might be..."
"Where?"
"Our dad's grave. He was buried here in LA, and Ethan has never visited it before with mom and I. I've been reading his writing lately, too, and he's been talking about our dad."
My eyes widen when we pull into the parking lot of a large graveyard.
Sure enough, I see Ethan halfway across the eerie destination, and my heart breaks. I watch closely as he just simply sits next to a large grave. He refuses to look at the grave itself, though. His eyes remain frozen onto the ground and he's just... there, sitting next to his father.
"I knew it." Grayson sighs as he pulls the car into a parking spot.
"You should go talk to him." I tell Grayson.
I don't know how Ethan would react to me being the one to try and talk to him.
"You're the only one he'll talk to, Jessica."
"I don't know if I can."
"I need you to. My mom and I both need you to. You're the only one who can get through to him, we've all tried."
I take a deep breath.
"Okay."
Grayson grabs my hand and squeezes it before I slowly climb out of the car and step into the graveyard. It's completely empty, except for the tombstones, Ethan, and me.
I thought my heart was beating fast earlier today when I finally decided to skip class, but as I walk over to Ethan, I realize it is beating ten times faster. I never thought I would be doing this.
I slowly bend down and sit next to Ethan, hoping he won't freak out. Maybe he'll be the chill, understanding Ethan that he was the other night.
He remains silent, and I begin to worry. I don't know what to do.
Before I can stop myself, I lay my hand on his back and rub it gently. I do whatever comes to my mind to comfort him, which results in me pulling him closer to me and hugging him.
"Are you okay?" I whisper.
I feel his slow, long breaths on my shoulder and hug him tighter.
"I'm a lot better now."
I smile against him.
"You need to come home, Ethan. We're all worried about you."
He pulls away from me slightly.
"I know. Meeting Robert made me want to come see my dad for the first time, I don't know why. It only reminded me of bad memories and how much of an asshole my dad was."
I continue to rub his back.
"Grayson told me everything, and I am so sorry, Ethan. You don't deserve any of this."
He suddenly stands up and backs away from me.
"Yes I do. You don't understand, Jessica. It's my fault, he killed himself because I never loved him! It's my fault! I'm such a fuck-up,"
"It's not your fault, Ethan! It has never been and never will be your fault! What your dad did was his decision, if anything it is his fault! You can't keep blaming yourself for this, it's hurting you too much!"
"I don't know why you even came out here, aren't you supposed to be at school?" He's shouting now.
I stand up from the ground and walk over to him, a sudden rush of anger inspiring my movements.
"Because I was worried about you! Just like your mom and Grayson are, too!"
"I told you not to worry about me once, I shouldn't have to say it again. I'm a lost cause, Jess. Just leave me alone, stop trying so hard."
His words hurt, but I try to convince myself he's only saying them because he's in a bad mood and situation at the moment.
"You're right. I'll just leave you alone, then." I give up.
I turn around to walk off, but hear his voice behind me.
"Don't go, Jess."
I almost laugh.
"What the hell, Ethan? You literally just told me to leave you alone!"
"I'm sorry, I say these things all the time and I don't realize how much they hurt, please just stay-"
"Give me one good reason why I should stay, Ethan."
He breaks eye contact with me and looks off into the distance. He remains silent.
"That's what I thought." I turn around to leave once again.
"Because, Jess, I love you."
My heart drops to the ground, along with the rest of whatever is left of me. I know he did not just say that.
"You're always on my mind, I'm always worried about you. I always want to know if you're okay, or what you're doing, and I don't know a lot of things, but I do know that whenever you're around, I feel safe. I feel like I can actually breathe when I'm with you, and I've never felt this way about anyone before, so it scares me. I don't know how to act, or what to do, but I do know that I want to be with you, all the time. When I'm with you, I'm not a fuck-up. You help me forget, you help me live, Jess. You're the reason I actually want to... change."
He takes a step closer to me.
"Everything in my life is so difficult, but falling in love with you was the easiest thing I've ever done, Jess."
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