/ it has been so long since I updated so here's a very tumblr photo which I really like :D
it's been a while since I've written so sorry if it's terrible /
*one week later*
dan
Dan sighs deeply, falling back under his duvet and watching as the room seemingly grows as his head sinks into his pillow.
He's just staring at the ceiling, letting his mind wander as he just simply exists. It's roughly five a.m. and sleep is avoiding him so he's just waiting for his alarm to go off. He's not sure the exact moment but at some point his thoughts turn to his life before Phil Lester burst into it.
He's grateful for Phil, he really is. His life used to be just one large black hole; slowly and painfully tearing him into pieces. Somehow, Phil has pulled him out, and Dan is so thankful for Phil that he hasn't noticed Phil may have gotten caught by the black hole in the process of getting him out.
'now the night is coming to an end...'
Dan's alarm starts to sound however Dan just lies back and listens to the song for a while. It's such a peaceful yet sad song. Eventually though, reality makes itself known again and Dan has to turn his alarm off. The sudden silence which has fallen over Dan like a blanket covers him as he just sits on his bed, and suddenly his mood has crashed and burned and for no reason at all, he's completely empty again.
When Dan walks into school, Cat runs up to him and gives him a tight hug. She looks at Dan with a small smile and a look of concern in her eyes.
"Are you okay Dan? You look a bit upset," she says, her hands still on Dan's shoulders as she bites her eyes into his.
"I-I'm okay," Dan replies, the ghost of a smile flickering over his lips, "I-I'm just a b-bit tired."
"Okay, if you say so..." Cat says, giving Dan a doubtful look, her mood shifting to a look of suspicion.
"Hello everyone!" Pj says, appearing beside them with a bright smile and his brown curls sticking out everywhere, "how are we all?"
"I-I'm good n-now," Dan says with a bright smile, looking at the two people he now is comfortable to cal his friends.
It's true, they have cheered him up by doing absolutely nothing other than just acknowledging his existence in a kind way. Dan can't stop smiling as Cat breaks into a story of how some guy who came into her work was really annoying and Pj talks about almost dropping his camera.
Dan is so happy just to be with these amazing people he hardly realises that Phil still hasn't arrived, that he'd usually have arrived at least ten minutes ago. Dan Howell is starting to float, his mood and life piecing back together finally.
Dan has been too busy learning how to swim to notice that Phil is slowly sinking under.
***
Later that day, Dan sees Phil walk into class looking late and flustered.
He doesn't glance up, he just walks slowly towards the back of the classroom and sits by himself at the only spare desk. Dan can tell something is wrong, however he doesn't think Cat and Pj have even noticed their friend walk in.
Pj whispers something and Cat giggles, nudging Dan with her elbow to gain his attention. Dan turns and listens as Pj retells the joke he just said and Dan laughs, forgetting briefly about the boy who is sat at the back of the classroom, silently begging him to turn around.
When the bell rings, Cat slips her arm through his and tugs him quickly out of the room. Dan doesn't even think to wait for Phil. Cat's mood is happy and apparently Pj is a bit mischievous at the moment as the boy seems particularly bouncy and cheeky.
In Dan's next class - art - Phil sits alone in the corner. Dan debates whether he should walk over to his friend, who's usually bright mood is dim and sad. After a minute, Dan abandons his painting on his desk and walks over to Phil, tapping the zoned out boy on his shoulder.
"A-are you o-okay Phil?" Dan asks, looking at his friend with eyes full of concern.
Phil looks at Dan, who can immediately tell from Phil's blue eyes that his mind is far from this conversation. Dan reaches his hand out to place it on his friend's shoulder however Phil flinches away. Dan glances at his mood which has only one possible word to describe it: fear.
"Phil, p-please tell m-me what's wrong," Dan pleads with him, shuddering as Phil's empty gaze meets his own.
"Go away Dan," Phil says flatly, his expression emotionless, "you can't help me."
So Dan goes away and thinks of possible ways to help his friend, but he cannot think of anything, because he has never seen someone look so scared, lost and afraid.
And he's never had a friend before, so he doesn't know how to be one.
*earlier that day*
phil
Phil thought at least one of his friends would notice.
His mood has been a tired, sad face all week. Although his friends have asked, they believe Phil's I'm just tired line every single time. Even Dan, who should know when someone is upset most of all because he's been there.
This morning, when Phil is walking to school, he encounters his father. He is waiting on the street, leaning against the tall, brick wall which surrounds a house. Phil freezes in his tracks, resembling a deer in headlights and he can't even bring his legs to move a single inch. The smile on his father's face as he sees how trapped Phil is makes him sick. Phil's body finally begins to function again but then there's a hand closed over his wrist again like a vice.
"P-please," Phil begs softly, trying to tug his hand free.
"Phil, I think you should come with me so we can have some father-son time," he says in a demanding tone.
"No! I hate you! Go away! Everything was better when you weren't here!" Phil shouts, only it somehow changes to be just a weak and pathetic "no, p-please."
His father's mood switches to one of anger as he clutches Phil's wrist more tightly, undoubtedly bruising Phil's pale skin. Phil can feel the tears pooling in his eyes but he would rather die than cry in front of this man.
Phil glances across the street and his scared, blue eyes lock onto some people walking on the opposite side of the street. One looks over at him, he must register the fear in Phil's eyes, the way the other man is holding him with a mood burning with anger.
"Hey, what's going on over there?" He yells, crossing the street and walking towards them.
Phil feels the grip on his wrist loosen and be manages to tug his arm free, not even bearing to look at the red ring of finger marks which circle around on his skin. He steps back from his father, turns and runs as fast as his legs will possibly take him. He arrives to school long after the bell, but that doesn't matter. Inside the school walls, he's safe. However, he knows that outside there's a monster prowling, one who feeds off fear and Phil is his designated target.
Phil runs to his locker first, finding a jumper which he shoved in there long ago and slips it on, tugging the sleeve over his bruising wrist. He always wondered why people didn't tell anyone when these sort of things were happening, but now he understands. Fear consumes you, manipulates and controls you.
Phil doesn't even care that his mood is one full of fear when he walks into class late. He doesn't care that there's only one spare desk up the back, away from his friends.
He does care, however, when none of his friends give him so much as a glance when he walks in. Phil watches as they all whisper and giggle together while occasionally writing down the odd note.
Phil glances down at his open notebook, the blank lines almost making his head spin. He's too tired, too shaken up and too... Alone. Once the bell rings, Phil watches as his friends just walk out, not even noticing Phil was there. Something inside Phil snaps, maybe it's the first part of him falling apart, but suddenly he can't feel anything but sadness and hurt.
Phil squeezes his wrist tightly, causing a ripple of pain to shoot through him.
Throughout the day, Phil feels pieces of himself shatter slowly apart, he feels part of his fragmented soul fall out of him onto the ground, he blows himself up to see if anyone will notice.
But no one even looks his way, not even Dan. He just walks on the pieces Phil dropped, breaking them even further while his own mood finally pieces back together.
Phil didn't think it was possible for one person to change so much in a matter of weeks, but he was wrong; he has changed dramatically.
He can see the true nature of humans, the side of them that even moods can hide. Humans possess traits which moods don't show, ugliness which resides within them all that is hidden completely.
Phil used to see beauty; now he only sees how truly ugly and broken everything is, most of all himself.
Phil begins to slowly crawl inside himself.
When Dan asks him what's wrong, as desperately as he wants to confide in Dan - to tell him and cry to him about how unfair everything is - Phil knows that Dan is improving. He doesn't want to drag him back down, to ruin all the progress he's made. He doesn't want to be the reason why Dan Howell falls when he is so close to the top.
So he tells his friend to go away and waits for someone else to notice;
But no one fucking does.
***********************
an/ sorry this chapter wasn't the longest and sorry i havent been on in forever but my life has been so busy recently!!! ive had a lot of stuff going on (both good and bad)
so i hope this chapter was worth the wait! sorry of it was confusing and terrible, i havent written in a while and need to get the feel of it again haha.
please vote and comment! and also i have a teen fic up called evanescent if you'd like to check that out!!
thanks so much guys! also 20k followers w-h-a-t.
^-^
p.s: i really need money (like terribly) does anyone know a good way to online somehow?
i was thinking of selling stuff on redbubble but 1) would any of you guys buy anything and 2) if so, what would you like me to put on there??
THANKS!!!!!