A song that helped me write this chapter. (There are others, but Wattpad won't let me add more than one.)
I wake in a cocoon of inky black feathers, surrounded by heat and drenched in sweat. Already I can tell my muscles are stiff with a dull ache residing in my hips and lower back. Yet somehow I'm content, lying in Levi's arms with his scent engulfing me.
I move forward just enough to press a kiss to his collarbone and his breathing changes, deepening before his wings shift.
"You awake?" he asks, a palm brushing up my side.
"Mhm," I mumble sleepily.
"How you feel?"
"Okay," I say, finally peeling my dry eyes open to the dark room.
"You're not in pain?"
"Not really," I manage to articulate past a yawn. "What about you?"
"I'm fine," he says. "Need anything?"
I pull in a deep breath, stretching my arms and legs out, working on waking myself up. "To pee. And maybe a shower..."
Before I can entirely figure out what's happening, I'm being lifted from the bed, still concealed by a wing and held in a pair of strong, pale arms.
"Whoa..." Instinctively, I hang onto his neck. "What's this for...?"
"I'm taking care of you," he says.
"It's fine...I can walk on my own..."
"Hmph. After last night, I doubt that."
"Levi..." I complain.
He shuts me up by kissing me, leaving me dizzy, before carrying me into the bathroom and leaving me alone to do my business for a moment. As I'm standing at the sink attempting to wash my hands, the dull ache has morphed into something more like a searing, pinching sensation throughout my hips, thighs, lower back, and ass especially. It's all I can do to keep myself on my feet...
Levi re-enters without invitation and I yelp, automatically trying to cover myself up before I realize it doesn't matter and that he's still naked, too. Oddly enough, I'm still trying to keep my eyes away from his body.
"I think a hot bath is in order," he murmurs, stepping around me to start the water in the tub.
I watch him for a moment as he runs a few fingers beneath the stream, testing the temperature. "Only if you take it with me," I tell him.
He huffs something of a laugh, turning to light a few candles sitting on the sink before extinguishing the torch and pushing the door shut. Taking this as his answer, I muster a small smile in his direction, only causing a mildly suspicious look to cross his own features directed at me. Before I can question him, though, he's moving around me to search through some bottles on the shelf above the tub. He chooses a green one - peppermint oil - and pours it into the steaming water. Immediately the smell fills the small room almost dizzying me; Levi cracks the window.
"...Can you feel everything I feel now?" I can't help but ask.
"Not everything, I don't think," he murmurs, watching not me but the water. "But since last night...it's like some of your thoughts have to be just loud enough for me to hear. And I know you're in more pain than you let on."
"You mean you can feel it, too?"
"More or less."
I instinctively grind my teeth together. On top of his own, he has the burden of my pain, too. Even if it's the good kind. Even if it's the kind brought forth out of an infinite amount of pure and utter love. Love I hold for only him.
He leans forward again and twists the knobs to stop the flow of water, leaving the room quiet again save for the occasional dripping of the faucet. When I don't make a move to get into the tub, he turns, a brow hiked up.
"What?" he asks.
My fingers tighten around the edge of the sink; I stare him directly in the eye.
"Are you really Levi?"
Exactly the opposite of what I expect, he relents, his face softening into something akin to uncertainty meshed with sadness. Even his wings droop a bit, and my gut clenches.
"I'm not so sure myself." The words are hushed and unsure as his demeanor. He's just opening his mouth to elaborate more when I realize I don't want to hear any more, so I reach for his wrist and pull him toward me, smashing my mouth against his so recklessly I almost miss his chapped lips altogether. A surprised grunt sounds from his throat before he kisses back.
"Let's just take our bath," I say.
Levi nods once with a small hum. He leads the way to the tub with my pathetic self limping along behind him, and I detest that he has to lift me up and lower me carefully into the hot, sweet smelling water. Still, the liquid feels good on my skin where his hands were rough enough to leave marks; it soothes my aching muscles and the sigh of relief eliciting from my lips is almost instantaneous.
"Feel better?" Levi asks.
"Mhmm," I hum, moving over a bit. "Come here." When he hesitates, I wrap my wet fingers around his and tug. "Please?"
A minute later, I'm leaning against his side and feeling his arms sliding around my waist beneath the water. His wings hang out over the edge of the tub and I feel his chin rest on the top of my head.
I let him wash my hair and he allows me to wash his before we lather up more to scrub off our skin, soft kisses and affectionate gestures here and there in between.
"How you feel?" he asks, hands gentle on my hips, thumbs rubbing circles into my skin.
"Better," I say, looking down. "It hurts to sit, though," I admit sheepishly.
"Sorry."
"Don't be. It was...amazing. More than that. I'm glad I got to have that experience with you...before..."
His fingers push hair from away from my face. "You don't have to think about that right now."
But I do. Once my mind has gone in that direction, it's too late to change its course no matter how hard I try. I suck in the deepest breath I can hold before immediately submerging my head under the water. It's been cooling off. It fills my ears, but I can still hear Levi's voice - muffled - saying my name. I stay like that as long as I can, focusing on the growing pull in my chest for new oxygen until it starts to burn and I'm forced to release the air I'm holding and bubbles dance toward the surface. When my chest begins to burn is when Levi pulls me up, gasping, coughing and sputtering for air.
"What are you trying to do, kid?" he asks, clearly appalled. The sounds are still muffled by water in my ears; I shake it out. "Huh?"
"Distracting myself," I gasp out.
"Dammit, Eren..." He pulls me to his chest as I catch my breath. The inside of my nose feels strangely cool, surely from the peppermint oil.
"S-sorry," I stutter.
"C'mon, idiot. Let's get out of this filthy water."
After having been lifted out and wrapped in a towel, I catch myself staring out the window, seeing as the edge of the sky is ever so slowly fading into a lighter shade of blue that swallows up the stars.
"We should watch the sunrise," I murmur without thinking.
From in the bedroom redressing himself in nothing but a pair of old worn military pants, Levi says, "From the top of the wall?"
I hum in agreement, wandering into the room myself to find something to wear. Walking hurts more than sitting, and I regretfully have to let Levi help me dress. Once done, we're on our way.
"You don't...have to carry me the whole way..." I mumble as we exit the building.
"You're in too much pain to walk that far. I'm fine, anyway."
I have to admit I enjoy being in his arms, being able to gaze up at him as he walks. The light before sunrise is particularly gray, though there's not a cloud to be seen. From my angle, I can almost watch the stars fade out one by one as the overpowering light of the sun engulfs them. It makes me feel small, and I tuck my head into Levi's neck to bury the feeling.
Halfway there it occurs to me...
"So...if anyone saw us, would I look like I'm floating?" It sounds silly, but I want to know.
"Doubt it."
"Then...?"
"The more I interact with the physical world, the more noticeable I become to others. I think at this point anyone might be able to see me...or notice me a little more than if I were a piece of furniture in the background."
"Does that mean others might be able to see you now?"
"Maybe."
I feel my eyes widen. "Then why don't you show yourself to them?"
As soon as the words are out, I regret them because pain crosses his face for just an instant. Before I can apologize, though, he's responding.
"Because they're already at peace with it." I've heard that before... "If they were to see me and actually believe I'm real, it would only bring their hopes up only to open the wounds all over again." His smoldering eyes flicker down to me. It takes less than a second for me to understand.
'Just like what'll happen to you.' I hear the words in his voice. 'Only worse.'
He wants me to let go. I can feel it. It hurts, but I know it's true, and it's not for his own selfish reasons. He thinks the longer he's here, the harder it'll be for me once I finally do let go - something that, in my mind's eye, is still impossible. And he's not wrong. Losing him once was already unbearable. I can't even fathom enduring it a second time...
We make it to the top of the wall just before the sun is about to break through the horizon. Unlike what can be seen from the ground inside the walls, hovering just above the horizon were long, thin wisps of clouds catching the solar light and reflecting from fiery reds to a blush pink to pale yellow with flecks of grayish-blue sky in between.
Levi sets me on my feet, keeping hold of me until I gain my balance. Keeping hold of his hand, I limp to the edge of the wall, looking across the green of that tiny glimpse of the outside world the location allows me.
"Sit with me," I murmur after a minute, carefully sinking down, letting my legs hang off the edge of the wall. Levi follows my lead and we lean together, his wing circling around me while I can only slide an arm around his waist. Still, it's comfortable despite the aching of my pelvic area.
We sit in silence for quite some time, watching how the light changes the colors of the clouds and takes over the sky, listening to each other's breathing, feeling the cool air wash gently over any exposed skin. I savor this moment and hold onto it with aching muscles. I try not to shake, thinking about the way this may be one of the last moments I'll ever get like this. Try not to cry. Try to keep my heart at a slow, even pace.
But I'm sure Levi can feel my struggles to keep myself in order, anyway.
"Eren..." he murmurs into the hair just above my ear.
"Hmm?"
"About what you asked earlier...if I'm still me...I want you to know that I am. I'm still Levi. I've got the same memories, and I still feel the same for you as I did then. More than that, if anything. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm the same as I was then."
"What do you mean...?"
"I mean I'm me, but I'm not the Levi you knew when I had my own heartbeat."
My forehead is tight with a frown. "I'm...still not sure I get it..."
"Death changes you, kid."
I can't stop my flinch. The sun is just starting to peek over the hills. "...oh. Yeah." A silence. I'm holding onto him tighter than I ever have, and my arm aches. "So that's why you don't want me to join you."
I hear him swallow. "There's more to it than that, but yes. I don't want you to throw your life away when you've got all the opportunity in the world."
It's my turn to swallow. He moves away only to use his gentle fingertips to turn my face in his direction, and even his eyes are glossy with extra moisture. It occurs to me that I don't think I've ever seen Levi cry.
"Live, Eren." He says my name carefully, and I feel some sort of finality in it. "Make a life for yourself. Get out of HQ and buy a house. Keep your friends. Find a new drive. Be free the way you always wanted to be."
Free. The word strikes something in me - like a match on sandpaper, igniting it to life.
I pull in a shaky breath. "Maybe..." I hesitate, biting my lip.
"What?" His thumb brushes over my cheekbone.
"No. Never mind. I don't want to steal your dream."
"What?" Levi's thin brows tug together for a split second before relaxing in realization. "...oh. The tea shop."
The corner of my mouth twitches. "Stupid idea, huh?"
He tilts my head back up; I hadn't even realized I'd looked down. "No. Do it."
"Really?"
"Yes," he says firmly. "Since I can't be around to do it, you should if that's what you want to do."
"A-are you sure?"
"Certain." And I can see it in his eyes. He is.
"Thank you."
Levi simply kisses my forehead. While it's tender, it's full of a kind of desperation. The longer time goes on, the more restless he gets. Every so often his wings will twitch and he'll zone out for a minute, or his muscles will tense or he'll tremble.
This will be the hardest part. Letting him go. Being without him and having to face the mess of painful memories in my head again. It has me wanting to shut down just thinking about it...
But I can't. For his sake, I can't do that again. If I do, this whole thing will have been for nothing. I was granted just this little bit of extra time with him for a reason, and I was a fool if I ever thought he'd be able to stay by my side forever.
It will hurt like hell. No matter the outcome, there will be pain involved. For him or for me. Maybe even for both. And Levi's already endured enough. If it means being in pain myself, I want to be able to free him from his. It's the very least I could do for someone who's given me so much - trained me, looked out for me, loved me, and let me love him back. And hell, I hate it. But I can't be selfish anymore.
"What's the matter?" he's asking, palms against my cheeks, and I come out of my thoughts to find my face screwed up into an odd position.
"It's just...it's hard to deal with the demons in my head...I don't know how to fight them off, and I don't know if they'll let me live that way. I don't know if it's worth trying if I'm only gonna be brought to my knees again."
"You're an idiot," Levi mutters, and suddenly a sharp pain hits my forehead, blunt and quick. He freaking flicked me.
"Hey," I mutter, rubbing the assaulted space. "What was that for?"
"You're stronger than that and you know it, kid. I know you are. You just doubt yourself too heavily."
"You sound like a father talking to his child," I mumble.
"Oh, shut the hell up. You're just being a brat." The word sends hundreds of memories flying by in the blink of an eye; oddly, they don't hurt or make me feel sick. "Man up and show those damn demons who's boss," he continues. "You have to fight to win, Eren. Remember who said that to begin with."
I suddenly recall Thomas lecturing me on taking my own advice and the reality as a whole of the situation hits me like a brick being thrown directly at my head, and words will never do it justice.
As the sun has fully made its way out of its bed beyond the horizon, I can feel its rays caress my skin as I throw myself at Levi, completely ignoring the pinches of pain that shoot through my lower abdomen, and claim his lips for my own. Hot tears make trails down my cheeks and his hands aren't exactly gentle on my ribs as he kisses back. I can practically feel myself swimming in bittersweet emotion, in all the endless love I hold for him and him alone.
I'm going to miss him so much.
"I know, kid," he breathes into the kiss. "I'll miss you more."
I lock my arms tightly around his shoulders, breaking off to breathe and regain control of myself. "Just...please give me a little bit of time," I stammer past my tears. Just as the night before, he kisses them away. "I'm...I'm not sure how to let you go yet..."
"Okay, Eren. Okay."
I mash my lips again to his, forcing my brain to memorize these sensations and tuck them away in the safest spot in my mind - with my memories that the sickness in my head won't ever allow me to let go of. If I have to deal with the bad ones, I deserve to hold onto the good ones, too.
This is what he meant by fighting the demons.
"Levi," I whisper against his lips. He kisses me again; I pull back just enough. "I love you."
"I know, shitty brat." I can't help but smile. "I love you, too. More than you'll ever know."