My baby sister, like a statue, stares unblinkingly out the window, firmly grasping our parents' rings in her tiny delicate right hand. If the raise and fall of her chest from breathing wasn't noticeable, she would be mistaken for a life size doll.
Ellie, she's like mom in so many ways. However since mom's and dad's departure from this world to the next, that little girl is a shell of her former self.
Her appearance is still mother. My baby sister's ashen hair is still voluminous with perfect ringlets that frame her pale angelic face and flows like a raging river down her back.
However it isn't her features that saddens, worries me. It's her eyes.
It's her eyes that are different.
Once brilliant and vibrant crystal blue eyes that twinkled brighter than the stars on a clear night have lost that gleam of happiness, of young innocence.
Now in it's place is a deep sorrow that hasn't lessened in the month we've been in this little town my mother and father grew up in.
Sweet Little Ellie, as every morning since our arrival in this new cozy house of ours, sits on the windowsill that faces the lush and lively forest with the precious rings fist firmly and tightly against her beating heart.
Nothing makes her want to move from her spot, her nest. Not promises of treats, exploring the town, playing at the park, I've even offered to take a stroll through the forest she stares at from her perch.
She neither speaks nor gives any indication she heard me at all, fueling the self loathsome and hopelessness swirling inside of me with each miserable failed attempt to reach her.
However, no matter the emotions raging deep in my stomach, I would never give up on her. Even if it takes years to reach her.
So, even if it takes every once of will power to suppress my grief, to bottle up those soul crushing emotions, I will.
Ellie is my number one priority, I would never put myself above her.
That is why I have a surprise for her that might get even a tidbit of reaction.
"Well......" I sigh over-dramatically. "I guess I'll have to go dress shopping all by myself!"
She still doesn't give what I want.
"Whose gonna tell me I look gorgeous!" I cry out as I throw my back hand against my forehead.
I peak from the corner of my eyes, and what I witness, warms my heart. A smile I haven't seen in what feels like ages.
Even if it's hardly visible. Just a tip of the right corner of her lips, but a smile nonetheless.
Little Ellie, slides from her nest, and makes her way to her flats by the door. After slipping her feet in the black shoes, she grasps my hand firmly in hers.
With a grin splitting my face in two, I let her lead me out of our white two bedroom house.
Since the house is about a 1/9 of a mile from the town square, we walk and take in the sights.
It still amazes me how green and quiet it is. It's lush with life that isn't in the city. Instead of skyscrapers towering over everything, it's trees. Instead of the constant police sirens, it's birds singing. Instead of the dirty and pollution smell, it's clean and fresh air.
And the green, It's everywhere! I've never seen such an arrangement of one shade of color!
I will miss the city, only for the memories. But I think here will do Ellie and I some good.
"What store we're going too, Teddy?" Ellie brings me from my thoughts.
"Maya's, Grandma said they're cheap and the town's clothing shopping center." I say as I open the door to the shop.
With the door closed behind us, I guide my little sister pass the men's, boy's, and women's section to the girl's beside the women's.
"So baby, I was thinking we get you about 3 pairs of Blue Jeans that way you can get more shirts to pair with them. Of course, a few dresses, a pair of tennis shoes, boots for the cold, you already have flats, a jacket....."
Before I can finish, she's already looking through the dress rack. Most of them she doesn't give a second glance.
Since she's busy with that, I grab a few jeans in her size. With them over my arm, I head back to my little Deva.
"Before you head off to another rack, try these on." With no complaints, she opens the dressing room and goes in.
Ellie shows me the five pair I picked out. Two of the jeans were too tight, the other three were a little loose. Just what we want. She can grow into them. She has a belt at the house for now.
With the jeans slung over my arms, we continue to look. She looks at dresses and I, at shirts.
I pick out a light blue shirt with a sparkly butterfly, a red and black polka dot, a pink and purple plaid, a black shirt with a ladybug, and some solid colored shirts.
Ellie, my darling little sunshine, finally picked out two dresses. One is black from the waist up, and the bottom is black with flowers weaven to make a solid material. She paired it with a pair of black tights.
The other dress is a cream color with swirls of lace to make roses along the bottom of the dress to the waistline. The top half not decorated, to give a simple look throughout the dress.
"When you was looking, I tried them on. They fit with a little growing room." I chuckle as she already got a cart. The little girl is something.
Setting the clothes inside the cart, I let her lead me to the wall of shoes. She grabs a few different boots and tennis shoes.
After Ellie got the ones she wants to try on, she starts on the boots first. With the first three, she didn't like the fit, and the last she liked because of the soft lining and the soft dark brown leather.
Then came the shoes. She didn't like any of them, too tight, too lose, didn't like the shoe laces.....
I thought I never get her to pick any shoes. Until she finally finds a pair at the very bottom. A black pair with an electric blue lining.
She sure does have her own taste.
"Anything else?" I grin softly as that smile widened some time ago.
"No." She bumps me back with her hip so she can get in front of me to help push the cart.
"You gonna get anything Teddy?" Ellie asks.
"No, baby." I answer as I push the cart to the counter, and began setting the clothes on it.
The woman rings up the purchases to a total of $172.59. Paying the bill, I take my change and grab the bags. With my purchases on one arm and Ellie's hand held firmly in the other, we make our way the the house.
"Why did I need new clothes?" Ellie curiously asks.
"School will be starting soon." I respond. "And I wanted to spoil you a bit."
She must of accepted my answer when she doesn't say anything else the rest of the way to the house.
Back at the house, inside my sister's closest, I hang her new clothes. Everything is in place, everything is clean, and everything looks fine. This house at first glance looks like a home, however taking a second glance, it's not.
There's no toys randomly littering the floor, no crayons and paper scattered across every table, no laughter echoing in every room, no life....
It's missing that special feeling.....
It's missing mama's radio playing softly, her humming as she dances. It's missing dad's belly laugh as mama and him have a pickup line contest. It's missing Ellie's snorting as she giggles as dad tickles her.
The house is missing my mommy and daddy. And knowing that I will never see, smell, hear, and touch them again brings me to my knees for the first time since that time in the hospital that seems a million lifetimes ago.
I know I shouldn't have this moment of weakness, I'm Ellie's guardian now. But it seems everyone is forgetting they were my parents too.
The case worker, family friends, grandpa and grandma. They seem to forget that I lost my parents too, that I'm not aloud to grief them.
Even though I know I shouldn't, I give myself a moment to grief inside a closet that's tucked in a corner of a house that will never be called home.....