I took a seat in the waiting room and haughtily flipped through the same magazine I had dropped before the receptionist called me back a few moments ago. I glanced up at Dr. Jacobs, he was watching me. When I didn’t move, he walked back down the hall and around into reception to speak with the receptionist.
The hard part was keeping my eyes off him. Every part of the man moved with a masculinity that made me feel like the heater had been cranked up. I shook my head, he is a therapist, and I shouldn’t have those thoughts. I glanced over at the reception area again. His back was to me as he spoke on the phone. Good. I flipped a page of the magazine hoping Dr. Mayweather would fix this.
Why am I acting so overwhelmed and childish about this? Yes, I preferred a female therapist. I don’t think I ever said explicitly I couldn’t handle a male therapist. Was it in the court order she had gotten over nine months ago? I was so worked up about Jerry I don’t think it ever crossed my mind to specify.
I did have a difficult time being around men for a while. The therapy helped with that. I was stronger than I had thought. I worked on it for weeks which turned into months and after a while it began to go away and I returned to my normal self. The depression and nerves subsided and gradually my medication was lowered and eventually completely tapered off. I had forgotten all about that within a few minutes. So what is my problem with this ‘temporary’ male therapist?
“Ms. Winters?”
I shivered, that damn voice – full of depth and sensual promise but I couldn’t gauge anything about the man behind it. I put on an arrogant face and looked up. “Yes.”
“If you will come back to the office, I can explain what is going on,” he spoke calmly. The tone eased my tension a little. How in the hell?
“Fine.” I stood up again and stepped into the hall walking back to the office without looking at him. I could feel him following behind me. Hesitating, I took the chair at the desk instead of moving towards the couch. I would not get comfortable around him.
My hearing seemed to be acutely alert today. I heard the rustle of his pants as he moved and the click of the door as he shut it. Still, I refused to look at him until I absolutely had to. I listened to him walk around the desk and finally sit down. Now, I couldn't avoid his gaze anymore. I looked up.
“I’m sorry about this surprise. I was told you were informed I would be seeing you while Dr. Mayweather is in recovery.” His eyes met mine at the last moment of his little speech. For a moment, I couldn’t speak as we studied each other.
“Um…I was…but I wasn’t told you would be...male,” I felt tongue tied.
His brow furrowed as he looked down flipping through my file. I covered my mouth. It made me nervous seeing him look over it all, something only seen by Dr. Mayweather.
“It doesn’t say in your case that you prefer only female counselors,” he looked up at me confused.
“I didn’t really discuss it with my lawyer when she got the court order, since I was against going into therapy in the first place.”
“I see,” he paused. “I understand how this can be uncomfortable for you based on the nature of your case. I can try to find you someone different, but it could take a while for your insurance since I am already here. It’s typically a much longer process and delicate to change a therapist. My specialty is in these cases of traumatic domestic situations. Dr. Mayweather felt it would be a good fit since your treatment as I said is almost complete, she will be gone for the rest of your treatment.”
He rattled all this information off while looking me directly in the eye. I felt like I could drown in them. What he said made sense and with my sessions almost complete it seemed ridiculous to go through the process of changing doctors.
I averted my eyes, his gaze stirred things in me that were making me feel…exposed, more than usual.
“We don’t have to go through that.” I busied myself with the sleeve of my blouse. Finding anything to keep myself from looking at him became a priority.
“If you aren’t uncomfortable with a male therapist, why did you react the way you did to seeing me?” I heard him lean back in the chair.
“I’m just used to Dr. Mayweather and this was all…so sudden.” I waved a hand indicating the space between us across the desk. Even that small gesture I could feel a heaviness in the air and I wanted to shudder again it was arousing.
“I see. So I’m looking over her notes on your last couple of sessions. You’ve been discussing Jerry’s, your ex and his release. Could that be a reason why you are sensitive to a male therapist?”
I looked up at him, my nostrils flared and eyes widened. He said it so calmly and it irked me as it has been a sensitive topic at the moment. He said it like he had been the one here helping me the whole time.
“Look, I’m not trying to be insensitive. Its best you continue with what you have been doing during session so a familiarity will gradually begin.”
How did he guess already what I had been thinking? We continued to glare at each other for a few moments. He didn’t seem to be pleased with my impression and reactions to him…I couldn’t really tell, he kept his expression clear and blank. This time though, he is the one to look away writing something down in the file. A little triumphant gloat surged through my stomach that I might have affected him.
“What are you writing?”
“Just notes on this session. I’m sure Dr. Mayweather did this too,” he didn’t look up as he spoke. I leaned back in my chair and watched him.
My head tilted and I bit on my bottom lip. This Dr. Jacobs made me nervous and my hands clammy. The way his brow furrowed in thought and his hands moved smoothly as he wrote. The way his chest rippled with his breathing…I shook my head telling myself to snap out of it.
“Are you okay?” he was watching me again, and speaking in that damn calm, stoic, demeanor.
“Yes, just been a long day.”
“I understand. Do you want to talk about it?” he folded a leg over his knee as he continued to study me. I assumed getting to know me in the way a psychologist is trained.
“No.”
He chuckled. “Okay,” he didn’t elaborate.
“A couple of new clients at work are coming in.”
“Oh, has that stressed you out?”
“New clients are always stressful. My partner and I haven’t gotten to their portfolio much this week.”
“Partner?” He asked curiously.
“My co-worker and best friend, we are a team in what we do. Doesn’t it say where I work in that thing?” I waved my hand indicating the file as if it were a snake that would bite any second.
“Yes, but I haven’t looked through the whole file yet either. Today is the only time I’ve gotten to look over anything on your case so far. This is sudden for me too,” he said this a little more to himself than to me. I raised my eyebrow. Oh, the poor baby counselor, I thought.
We continued this small talk. Despite my initial reaction I began to feel comfortable around him. The realization of that made my heart beat a little faster and I tried to hide my annoyance with myself over it. I couldn’t tell if he noticed any of this or not, he seemed quite capable of keeping a calm, detached aura around himself. No. I would not give into this…whatever this was.
Abruptly, I blurted out. “I have to go.”
“You still have a few more minutes in your session,” he gave me a surprised look, the most emotion I’ve seen on his face in this god awful long hour.
“Yeah, I want to beat the traffic.”
“It’s almost seven, I’m sure traffic is fine.”
“Not where I live.” It was a lie. I picked up my purse.
“Well make sure you schedule for that next week,” he began to write notes down again.
“Next week, right…I don’t think I’ll be coming back. I’ll call Dr. Mayweather and discuss it with her.”
He looked up at me and I froze with his intense gaze on mine, it was almost reprimanding but understanding in expression. I couldn’t be sure because the hair on my arm crackled and the air in the room felt warmer. I wish he didn’t have to be so handsome, would make this a whole lot easier.
“Got to go I’ll let you know about next week.” Quickly and as gracefully as possible I exited the room as I spoke and before he could say anything else.
“Ms. Winter’s, hope all went well. When do you want to schedule…”
“I’ll call.” I cut the receptionist off and flew out the door.
Once I was safely in my car, I took a breath letting my head fall onto the steering wheel. My new, male therapist is handsome and I felt attracted to him. It would be pointless to get a new counselor though. I would just have to speak with Dr. Mayweather about going to the judge and ask for my remaining sessions to be postponed.
“Yes that would work,” I said to myself feeling confident and started my car to drive home.
*
“That’s not going to work.”
“What? Why not?”
“Your sessions are almost completed. The judge won’t see the point in postponing three months of therapy for six or seven months of my recovery just because he is male. Your mental health is at stake and the progress you’ve made, you’re in a critical part of the treatment process its best to just keep going. I am sorry you were not informed specific details.”
I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose and squeezing my eyes shut. I couldn’t say the other reason why I wanted to post pone it all. In a weird way and in the back of my mind, I heard myself thinking that I wanted to see him again.
“Fine,” I conceded. I was at work, on a break this Wednesday afternoon trying to sort this out. Stacy walked into my office, I held up a finger to tell her to hold on a moment.
“Just schedule your next appointment and give Dr. Jacobs a shot, the time will fly by and I’m here if you really need to speak to me,” I could sense her smile on the other end through the tone of her voice and a slight annoyance which was a first to hear from her. The fact there was no stipulation about any male counselors made me feel defeated. I would just ignore the attraction; he’s just a pretty face.
“Okay, I’ll try.” I would schedule at the last minute, hopefully making it difficult for him. I hung up the phone with Dr. Mayweather.
“Who was that?”
“Mayweather.”
“Oh, how did last night go? Something wrong?” Stacy sat down in the armchair across from my desk. My office was a dark one, mostly shades of browns and greens. I liked the dark natural tones when I worked on a web design, I could push everything else out of focus when I was in my zone.
“Dr. Jacobs is a guy,” I announced, leaving out the 'handsome guy' part.
“Oh are you okay with that? You know, with all the issues Jerry put you through over men.”
Yes. “No, but nothing I can do I’ve tried everything.” I sighed opening my lunch.
“How is he?”
I thought for a moment. “Seems very stoic and detached but has an odd calming effect.”
“Well that’s a good quality in a shrink right?” I nodded to her question.
Why did everyone assume any type of therapist was a shrink? A shrink is the term for a psychiatrist not a psychologist. Why am I defending this? With how hot Dr. Jacobs was and how even though I wasn’t in his presence and my skin heated up from the memory of it he might as well be a head shrinker.
The subject got put on the back burner for now. We worked on the Cooper deal for the next few hours. I welcomed the work; it took my mind off the subject of Dr. Jacobs.
I felt awful for badgering Dr. Mayweather during her ordeal. The accident was bad, she had both her legs broken and multiple surgeries scheduled to fix the shattered bones. Almost three weeks ago and she was just starting to be able to talk again. She did sound groggy and hoarse. I apologized for calling, but she just shushed me. I would have to put together a care package for her to show my appreciation.
Every little thing I did was reminding me of him today, right down to looking through anything that resembled a ‘file’. The idea of Dr. Jacobs thoroughly looking through the rest of my case made my stomach turn and one of the reasons why I planned to schedule at the last minute. I debated on whether I would say work got in the way or fake being sick.
“You okay?”
I looked up at Stacy confused. “Yes. Why do you ask?” I continued reading the plans and clicking away at the presentation we were working at on my computer.
“Your face is flushed all of a sudden.”
“I just need some water.”
“Okay, I’ll go get some.”
She bounced up and out of the office. I leaned back in my chair and let out a breath, unsure of what was in store for the near future. So far it all just felt like a nightmare was forming. I hoped this new client account would keep me busy enough to keep my mind off of it all. Who was I kidding? All? It was just him.