Winter. December 21st. Seoul.
"When ships of gold and treasure have sunken,
Snowflakes which once were cold but now crestfallen..."
The wind howled as it swiftly flowed across the slightly-opened window pane, causing the snow-clad dreamcatcher to dance with grace.
It was supposed to be a merry Christmas for me, a white and quiet Christmas. But as I eavesdropped with the distant laughters, carols and merrymakings, I was a little bit disappointed.
Look, I'm not into parties and any annoying loud ado. I'm an authentic and demure introvert who loves to stay in libraries forever than to get cat fights on the streets.
Few minutes have passed so fast like a rare breeze in the summer. The once blatant living room has already found its dead end. Soon, a third voice joined the deafening silence; a couple of arguments.
My heart cringed in pain and anger. Not again. Not this time.
My hands began to shiver, causing the book I was holding to stumble down hopelessly. As the door slammed open, swallowing an ashen-faced man in his mid-forties who was currently holding an envelope with his rickety fingers, my heart began to pound endlessly.
"Gyo Ul-ah..it was over. She already handed me the annulment papers."
My father tried to say it in a normal tone but he didn't succeed. His words were broken into manly sobs and his eyes began to well up.
I stood up from my seat and ran directly pass by him. Heading to the master's bedroom, I caught my mother packing her things with a couple of cases lying open on the bed.
"Eomma! Wae naege geureon geoya?! Nae apeoji wae geureoneunde?!"
My once gimlet eyes turned into soft, tender orbs ready to break down into rivulets of tears. I gathered all the forces I could and made another try.
"Eomma-ya! Niga nal sirheohae haneun geol araimnida! Geunde..geunde. Tteoreojijima juseyo. Ah jebal!"
My once cold voice became warm and shaky. When it comes to my mother, I am not myself.
But the other way around goes for her. She hated me and didn't even treat me better, as if I'm not her daughter.
I looked at her eyes, pleading her to not let go. In response, she shook her head sideways, indicating that she's really giving up.
Bringing her baggage along with her, she came approaching me with a pink scented-paper in her hands.
She stopped in front of me, took my right hand from my side and gave me the paper.
After a short while, she smiled at me, tousled my hair and gave me the warmest hug I could ever receive.
Whispering in my ears the last words she was able to leave along with my memory, saying..
"Nae gongjunim, saranghae..."
---
December 22nd. Seoul.
I bet it's the winter breeze that kissed my cheeks early in this dead and snowy morning which made me wake up in no time.
I clasped my hands to dive down into a sacred prayer. After 5 minutes, I guess, I slowly opened my eyes and looked at every nook of my room.
I'll be missing this.
Settling myself at one side of the bed where the small table lies, I took a sight of an unfamiliar thing lying calmly on it.
Without any further ado, I let my hands crawl onto it and grabbed it sternly.
December 22,2007.9:15 A.M.Seat J-1.Flight No.001.Seoul to New York
Written in bold black printed letters, the schedule for my flight has caught in contact with my lenses.
Since my flight was quite earlier than I ever thought, I have to prepare myself for only an hour. Looking curiously at the wall clock, I subsequently rushed up to the bathroom for the clock said it's already 7:00 A.M and I'm afraid I'd get snowbound.
Thereafter, as I made sure I have already prepared everything, I slovenly grasped the fur-trimmed pink coat from its holder and shoved it all the way around my feminine shoulders.
Taking hold of my strolling bag, I managed to made a turn back to our house. I've already made a farewell letter for Appa. I'm satisfied now.
Standing under the mistletoe, I made my one last glance to the neighborhood I've never get to roam around.
Just after then, I went away like the winter snow which was once a good resemblance for Christmas but when summer came, it melted, vanished away and not a piece of it was ever remembered.
---
8:00 A.M. Incheon Airport. Seoul.
I was firmly sitting on the waiting benches when my tummy found its climax of hunger.
And because I haven't brought some finger foods with me, I traced the path to the food stalls and looked for something to eat.
And bingo! I have a certain liking for ramen that made me crave for it now.
Adding myself to the short queue, I keenly observed everything around me. There was this couple that shared their hotteoks together, certain ahjooma with her granddaughter leading her walk, two little siblings loitering around the airport and there came their eomma scolding them and lastly, a one complete happy family who are seemed to have their Christmas abroad.
Am I the only one leaving alone?
"Miss? Yuhoo! Over here.."
I instantly snapped out from idling when the vendor called me out.
"Mianhae.."
I shyly apologized unto him. And yes, he's a guy. The fact that I was idling for minutes was a little bit embarrassing.
"Seems that you're crestfallen, young lady."
"Ne. Crestfallen."
I answered with a really hurt tone. And I'm pretty sure that redheaded guy was already having pity on me. And I hate being pitied.
"That must be a really big problem. Mind telling me? It'll not bother anyone, anyway. You're the last on the line."
My eyebrows were cocked together as I doubted him.
"No way I'm going to tell you 'bout my problem! You're a complete stranger to me, remember? So now, just do your job and get me a cup of ramen."
I commanded authoritatively with my arms crossed in front of my chest and my right eyebrow raised up. I didn't know where that courage came from, either. I'm just being me.
It seemes that he was really startled and scared that he came giving me the ramen with shaking hands.
"F-five t-thousand won, ma'am."
I took ten thousand from my pink worn-out purse and handed it to him.
Leaving a flat smirk on him, I turned my back and coolly said..
"Keep the change, redhead."
---
Firmly seated beside the window area, I looked throughout the window pane and took a view of the busy cities below.
I let out a sigh and asked myself..
Is it really a goodbye?
*Flashback*
I fell down into my knees after she handed me this scented paper that was now turned out to be tearstained.
With fidgety hands, I opened the once folded paper. And by reading its content, I totally broke out.
____________________________________
Kim Gyo Ul,
I may be so brazen to say this but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a bad mother to you and an adulterous wife to your father. I thought I couldn't live any better after your sister died but who knew I got to live ten more years with you. I may smile once in a blue moon but I know deep inside I still love you. Even though there's still a little bit of anger in my heart,remember, you're still my daughter and I love you. Geudaeya, jeongmal mianhae. Mianhaeyo deo jalhaejuji motae. Please forgive me for giving up earlier but I know you would understand, now that you're a total grown-up. Saranghae, naui gongjunim.
-Eomma
_____________________________________
For every phrase that I read, I could hardly breathe. I thought I could cry no more but as I proved myself wrong, I let out the thousand of feelings I'd been keeping for years.
Yes, I've been totally crestfallen since then.
I jerked a little when a broad hand has found its way on my shoulders. And as I look up, I saw my father holding a white envelope in his cranky hand.
"Gyo Ul-ah,ijen geuraedo dwae.."
*End of Flashback*
Maybe I was really meant to leave. Who knows I could have a good start there in States.
Time has passed so fast. It's just like yesterday, someone has left our home and now, I'm the one leaving my home.
Is it really a goodbye, Korea?
----
;Look for translations in the comment box:)