A/n: I'm going to put a trigger warning on this chapter for anyone suffering from depression, anxiety etc. even though I'm not sure it is actually triggering. I just want to be sure. Read at your own risk!
Robyn
I paced the floor of our room, unable to sit still, a knot of anxiety pressing down uncomfortably on my gut. My fingers were tangled together and I couldn't slow my heart rate. Sabby never spoke about her father. Never. She didn't speak about her family at all really: I hadn't even known she had a twin sister until recently. Her family was her sticking point and I'd never pushed her on the subject; however I can't deny having been curious. Who wouldn't be?
But I can safely say I wasn't curious anymore. I couldn't stop reliving the way Sabastienne's face had fallen when Mr White told her her father was here, couldn't stop feeling her pull away from me. I swore I heard all her barriers come crashing down.
She'd told me she'd been a different person in Russia, that she'd been cold and unforgiving, an 'ice-queen' as Anthony put it, but I'd never been able to imagine Sabby behaving like that. She was too friendly and loving for closed-off bitchiness, or so I'd always thought. Now, reflecting on the way she'd acted back in the corridor, the seeds of doubt in my mind were beginning to sprout. Could I have been wrong?
I was definitely beginning to think so. Her face had never looked like that before. Everything I loved had disappeared in a flash. Her expression became blank, her back straightened and her entire presence suddenly screamed tension. Worst of all were her eyes, their usually warm, expressive nature replaced by a hard, piercing stare that intimidated even me, her girlfriend. For the first time I could understand why so many people muttered when we passed, why they'd all stared so intently when we'd gotten back together.
My body trembled and I felt dizzy so I lowered myself to the floor.
"Stop freaking out," Zoey said, moving from her position on the bed to sit beside me. I'd called her while I was heading back to our room and she'd met me within ten minutes. "You're thinking about this too much. You always do that and does it ever turn out how you imagined?"
"You didn't see her. It was like someone flipped a switch and everything changed, she looked so ... cold." I buried my face in my hands. "I'm sorry I'm making this such a big deal," I said, "but it feels as if everything I knew about her was wrong because I didn't think she could be like that. Like, if you'd built a building only to discover the dimensions were off. Does that make sense?"
"Not really," Zoey confessed and I groaned. She wrapped an arm around my back and hugged me into her side. "She's still the same person, Robyn. She still loves you. What's wrong with her not being the same around her parents?"
I rested my head on her shoulder. "I don't know. I'm not the same around my parents, no one is, so I shouldn't be surprised but I guess it scared me that she could just switch off. Like maybe she could just decide not to feel anything for me anymore."
Zoey laughed. "Are you serious? Have you seen the way that girl looks at you? There is no way in hell she could 'just decide not to feel anything for you anymore'. She's absolutely whipped, Robyn."
I wrapped my arms around Zoey. "You're right, I'm worrying too much."
"Welcome back to reason," she said, and I tried to smile but it didn't come out right. I couldn't push away the fear and wouldn't be able to until I saw Sabby again and made sure she was still the same.
"What do you think he's here for?"
Zoey straightened and pushed me gently until I was held at arm's length from her, her eyes boring into me. "We're not doing this," she said, "let's go out."
"Okay." I agreed. "Where?" I actually felt sick at the thought but staying in this room would be worse.
"I don't know. Anywhere you want."
"I don't want to go anywhere." I replied and she shook her head, a sad smile on her face.
"Alright. How about we get some doughnuts?"
"I feel sick," I said truthfully and she sighed.
"Robyn, come on." Zoey said. "you saw her face for a second. You have no proof she won't be exactly the same when she comes back. Stop being so dramatic!"
I stared at her wordlessly. She didn't take it back, didn't apologise.
"Okay," I whispered, "I'm sorry."
"Babe, seriously, stop it."
"I can't help it!"
Zoey threw her hands up in the air. "Robyn this isn't healthy! Your entire well being is affected by something as stupid as a look. You need to sort this out, it isn't normal!"
I jumped up, hot tears spilling down my cheeks. "I'm fine, Zoey! And even if I wasn't it wouldn't be her fault!"
"I don't think it's her fault."
"Zoey, I ... There's stuff going on that I can't talk about, alright? I'm not crazy, I'd actually be pretty good if everything wasn't so fucked up!"
"What stuff?"
"I can't talk about it," I repeated. Zoey opened her mouth to reply but I interrupted. "You wouldn't believe how much I wish I could, but this isn't up to me. It's not my place. I want to talk about it, fuck, I need to but I have to deal with it on my own." The tears fell in earnest now and I only had a few seconds of coherence left. "Please don't push this."
"Okay, sweetheart," Zoey said, becoming motherly as pure concern overtook every other instinct. "I won't force you to talk but if it's something serious you can't pretend it doesn't exist because that won't make it go away. You have to do whatever you can to make it better, no matter how hard that is."
I caught my breath, "I don't ... know what to do ... and I don't want to ... ignore it but talking about it feels selfish."
"You should never feel selfish for being upset. I'm sure it isn't for a stupid reason, you've not reached that level of crazy yet." I didn't smile but Zoey wasn't disheartened. "Anyway, it's the one time you're allowed to be selfish. Sadness isn't stupid or annoying and it definitely isn't something to be guilty about."
I wanted to agree but my tears still flowed freely and I couldn't find the strength to be okay again, so I let my selfishness take control by completely ignoring Zoey's words.
"I ... really love ... Sabastienne, you know? ... She's everything ... and ... and I can't ... live without her! ... I mean it! ... If she ... left I'd die."
"I know it feels that way but you'd get over her, Robyn. It might take a very long time but you would."
"You don't ... understand!" I pushed myself up, unstable and nearly blind from crying. Zoey hastily jumped to her feet and grabbed my arm. I weakly attempted to push her away. "I need ... to show you ... something."
I approached the wardrobe and opened it. Sitting down, I clawed at the wood of it's floor, unable to see what I was doing. Eventually I found the slight indent and pushed my fingertip into it, levering up a section of wood to reveal a hidden compartment. Reaching in, I grasped the cold metal of the object I'd hidden there and withdrew it.
"She ... left and ... I was going ... to...." I couldn't finish my sentence, holding out the item to Zoey who had turned completely white, her eyes huge and frozen in shock. "Take it!" I cried and she obeyed robotically. "I'm fucked ... up, Zoey ... I need help."
Zoey said nothing, staring blankly at me, not showing any indication that she'd heard.
"Zoey! ... Fuck ... Why did ... I tell you? ... Never tell ... it's the ... first bloody rule ... Haha," I faked laughter, "I was ... just kidding," I extended an arm. She reacted then, pulling back out of my reach. "I ... love her," I whispered. "I'm ... nothing without ... but it's too much ... she won't ... want me when ... I'm suffocating her ... too jealous ... too insecure ... too dumb. I don't ... want to be. I try! I try so ... hard all the time but it ... never works and ... I'm always so wrapped ... up in me and I hate it! I ... fucking hate myself, Zoey! I know ... I'm crazy and I know everyone can see it. You all hate ... me too! Or at least you should." My face burned red hot but for the first time in my life it was due to anger, not embarrassment. I trembled from adrenaline as the words rushed out my mouth. With every syllable the crushing weight on my chest got heavier and heavier but I couldn't stop. "I can't do anything! Everyone's better! I'm tired of competing! I'm tired of pretending I care about stupid shit I literally don't ... give a fuck about! And I'm tired of pretending the shit I care about is dumb and laughing at everything because I'm terrified of being rejected! I'm tired of not knowing what I want or what to do or why I'm here! And I'm fucking sick to death of questioning everything. I don't even know if I like stuff! How fucking insane is that!? I don't trust my feelings enough to judge whether I'm actually in a good mood or I just think I am! And now I'm making no sense. But remember, none of that matters anyway because every day's just killing time till I die! Everything I do will mean absolutely nothing when the end comes so why fucking bother!?"
The door opened. Someone came in. Asked something.
"Robyn was going to kill herself," Zoey whispered, "she was going to kill herself." And that was when I really lost it.