A cry for help, a blackened tear
A worried friend, facing fears
Innocence so rudely rushed
A broken heart, alone and crushed
A time for peace, but she’s at war
Can’t help it, but she feels alone
One on one, she fights herself
The fights not over ‘til one finds death
The cracks grow wider as she falls through
Everyone is useless, there is nothing left to do
Pray and hope that she’s alright
Only love should win this fight
Hate is bigger and stronger though
She is her selves own worst foe
It’s not her fault she tried so hard
Succumbed to the blade, arm left scarred
Worried friends on her left and her right
The pain grows worse during the night
Deeper and deeper and deeper she falls
She hits the bottom and begins to crawl
She sees the light and finds the end
Never will she have to fight the battle of loneliness again
Jacqueline
My head fell back hitting the bathroom wall with a thud. I loved the feeling that came over me as an after effect. It was my own personal high. I exhaled loudly, my eyes still closed; reveling in the light headed feeling.
Even though I was emancipated at fifteen, and had been living on my own ever since, my routine had never wavered. Although it was the one thing I looked forward to most days, it was also something I was ashamed of.
I knew if I ever wanted to give myself fully to someone they would be entitled to know. That’s why I kept everyone at an arm’s length away.
Parker Grant was the only other human being on this earth I had trusted enough to contemplate telling…but after he chose Madalynne, I saw no reason.
My entire life I had never felt worthy of love, yet found myself seeking it out due to my father’s absence in my life and my drug addicted mother.
When I was seven years old my teacher Mrs. Edelson called Child Protective Services on my mother. She had forgotten to pick me up after school. I’m not talking late, I’m talking full on no call, no show. Who forgets to pick up their own child?
My father dipped out not too long after that; it all becoming too much for him. I heard from one of my mother’s rants that he ended up somewhere in Mexico.
I was claimed by CPS and put into foster care at the age of thirteen after I called 911 because I found my mother passed out on the ground, crack pipe next to her, throw up all over the ground.
I spent two agonizing years in foster care before filing for emancipation. I had applied and been approved pretty quickly thanks to the amazing Godsend I had of a case worker, Trinity.
Luckily, I was an only child, so no other children had to be subjected to the hell I went through growing up.
The only person who even made my life worth living was my friend Travis. He literally was my pillar of support during my childhood years.
I met him in middle school and we spent almost every day together after that. He knew everything I had been through with my parents; he knew how difficult my life had been from day one.
He was the person I called the day I tried to kill myself. He was the person who saved my life. He stuck by me through thick and thin; the real definition of a friend.
At fifteen when I was granted emancipation, Travis convinced his parents to take me in. And knowing how close we were, they did. I thanked God everyday for them. In return for my free pass I helped out by working in their stables.
What most would consider hard labor, I considered my fresh start and actually came to love the horses I cared for and the work that I did. It felt very fulfilling and helped center me.
Travis and his parents were also the only ones aware of my disorder. They handled me with kid gloves, making sure not to test me. They knew how quickly I could be triggered and shoot from zero to one hundred. And yet, they still forgave me and reassured me that it was not my fault—just a result of my shitty upbringing.
While Travis thinks he knows everything about me—he knows nothing of my biggest secret and I don’t know that I want him to.
Travis has been there for me when no one else has. And even though I know he’d still accept me; the truth is far too hard to face.
“Well, are you going to get that or not?” She looks at me, a tired expression running the course of her face.
I nod slightly, slowly making my way to the front door, knowing with each step I take, danger closes in. I glance back at my mother one more time. Her eyes look sunken in, her blond hair hasn’t been washed in over a week, and I wonder if she is aware of the stench perforating off her.
“Get to it!” She screams once she notices my hesitation.
The banging picks up volume; more urgent this time, and I know it’s not good for me. After fumbling with the lock nervously and opening the door, he pushes it open roughly, knocking me out of the way. “What took so long?” He growls at my mother.
“I’m sorry baby!” She jumps up from the couch and embraces him; slapping me across the back of the head. “Jacqueline took her sweet time; it won’t happen again.” She turns her attention to me, “go on to your room now.”
I may be young, but I’m not naïve. I know exactly what is going to happen when I leave the room. They are going to get high as a kite together; my mother’s drug of choice this week is meth. And then they will add weed into the mix a little later. That is what I don’t want to think about—the possibilities of later. So I hurriedly race to my room, locking the door behind me. It’s not like I can’t still picture his sleazy grin and missing teeth or his dirty clothes and terrible stench. It was what I had nightmares about.
I had a close call a month ago when one of her “friends” came knocking at my door in the middle of the night. I lied there, perfectly still, frozen in fear as the handle jiggled and jiggled until eventually, it just stopped. It was the first night I locked my door and I’ve been doing it ever since.
Roger, the scumbag over now has crossed the line more than a few times with his vulgar language towards me. And one time he even walked in on me in the shower. He swore it was an accident to my mother; but I saw his eyes taking in my pre-teen body—and I was scared shitless.
The incident had occurred a few weeks ago and I am terrified to even be around him now. I press my ear to the door, relieved when I can still audibly hear my mother’s voice.
I change into pajamas and climb into bed. I’m not asleep for more than 45 minutes when I hear the rattling of my door handle. My heart rate spikes in anticipation.
“Roger? Where are you?” I hear my mother’s voice faintly. My fear accelerates knowing she isn’t the one outside my door. The handle wiggles a few more times before I hear her again, only this time more clearly, “what the fuck are you doing?”
“Who are you talking to in that tone, woman?” Roger’s voice rings through. Then I hear what sounds like his fist hitting her. I think my heart is going to jump out of my chest. I barely hear her now, but it is apparent that she is whimpering.
“I’m sorry baby. Just come back to the living room, we can order a pizza and watch a movie.” I can see their shadows beneath my door frame.
“No one tells me what to do,” I hear him exclaim before the sound of a second altercation grabs my attention.
“If you touch her, I’ll kill you.” My mother’s concerned tone takes me by surprise.
The sounds of breaking glass and dishes startle me. I jump up from my bed, bracing myself against the wall. I want to be strong and check on my mom—but the sound of heavy footsteps is too terrifying. I can’t move a muscle.
The jiggling of the door handle begins again, only this time it is more forceful; more anxious.
I crawl underneath my bed. For some reason it seems like the only space small enough he may not be able to reach me. I press myself against the wall, as close as I can get, right underneath the headboard.
I can hear what sounds like kicking at my door, taking my breath away. I close my eyes and cover my ears; it makes it feel less real that way.
Lee
I never intended to fall. In fact, when I boarded that plane back home, it was the furthest thing from my mind. It hit me like a ton of bricks the other night. We were just hanging out at our usual beach spot when she looked up at me and the moon glistened off her face just so, illuminating her undeniable beauty. I knew quickly on I would never meet anyone like Madalynne Johnson. Beauty, brains, and genuine? Yes, please. I could tell she was into me; it wasn’t rocket science. But I knew what I wanted out of life; adventure and excitement. Without much effort I found that Maddy encompassed all of that and more.
I remember the first night I woke up in a cold sweat. I glanced over at Maddy, peacefully asleep beside me and it slowed my heart race; calmed me down. The effect she had on me was unlike any I had ever felt before. It was a feeling of comfort and safety; it felt right.
Deep down I know she has a guy back home…but I try to avoid these thoughts. Eventually, a decision will be forced upon her, stay in Hawaii with me—or leave for him…I’ve been making the most of our time together for this exact reason.
I glance down at her, making a mental note that she is still fast asleep. I gently sweep her long brown hair out of her face and kiss her on the forehead. She stirs a little from this before rolling over and dominating my side of the bed. I can’t help but smile. Normally I would be in bed with her, snuggling, but I want to surprise her. I want to show her how much of an impact she has made on my life. I have never dated anyone I’ve felt this strongly about. Meaning I never bothered to go the extra mile. Sleeping beauty over there is beyond worth it to me.
Earlier, I woke up at dusk and raced out to the closest pharmacy where I picked up a small box of chocolates and a card. I didn't even know what had gotten into me...but she had me smitten.
Little encouraging affectionate notes are scattered all over the ground; so unlike me. I never have to worry about the chase—girls fall all over me every day. Maddy fell as easily if not as quickly. But it wasn’t the same on my end. I fought the attraction, the chemistry, and the passion. But knowing what I know—the other guy in her life was going to be getting out of Basic soon; it lit a fire up under my ass.
I grab the breakfast tray which is loaded with toast, bacon, eggs, and orange juice and make my way back to my bedroom.
I sit down on the edge of the bed. I’m just about to wake her when I see her begin to stir. “What smells so good?” She asks through closed eyes.
“Open your eyes,” I whisper, awaiting her response.
She rubs her eyes a few times before switching them to me. “Breakfast? You made me breakfast in bed?” She sits up excitedly, a surprised reaction taking over her face.
I nod without replying.
“What’s the occasion?” She asks.
“Just ‘cause,” I reply simply.
She smiles a big grin before hastily grabbing the breakfast tray and immediately pigging out.
“I take it you were hungry?” I laugh, stretching. “Now I need a nap! I’ve been slaving away on your breakfast all morning and I didn’t even get a thank you…”
She rolls her eyes at me. “Shut up and kiss me.”
I obey; closing the distance between us, I lower my lips to hers.
This is the woman I love. The first woman I’ve ever loved. I am determined to make her mine, only mine.
“Brring,” the shrill alarm screeched for what must have been the fourth time. I sighed dramatically before finally rolling over and silencing the obnoxious sound for good.
It had been two weeks since Madalynne made her decision; Parker; and exited my life forever. Heartbreak was not something I was familiar with. I let women close, but not close enough to ever hurt me…Maddy was the first.
No one prepares you for the pain associated with losing a loved one. Someone I had fallen into a routine with. Someone I let down my walls for. I could never regret a single moment spent with her though, because she showed me what real love was; she made me a believer.
My entire life I avoided love and any possibility of it, knowing just how messy it could be. Sex was enough for me and the affection I received from it held me over. She changed it all for me. The night on the beach with the blond bimbo, I knew—Maddy was going to change my life—I only hoped it was for the better.
I’ve received about a letter a day since she left. All unopened—untouched. Having to relive her decision over and over again through letters sounded too painful for me. Knowing that she chose him—Parker, over me was enough. But knowing and having to be reminded again and again that she would never be mine would only make me suffer more. The wound was still fresh; I needed time to heal.
I grabbed my cell phone and swiped my finger across the screen, unlocking it. I had been cancelling all of my clients for the past couple of weeks…not trusting myself around the female population. I knew exactly what my habits were after a bad break-up. Get wasted—forget—rebound. But the losing Maddy had left me hollow. Nothing seemed appealing anymore. It’s funny how that works…I was going along with my life just fine, happy even, and then she sat down next to me—and everything changed. It’s amazing how one small moment can change your life in ways you never thought possible.
I had no intention of taking on clients again until I was 100 percent. But even that didn’t stop me from attempting total self-destruction. Since Maddy had left, my friend and neighbor, Elijah had been dragging me along to bars and parties with him trying to get me out of my funk. It was more awkward than anything…I pushed away the women by being a complete asshole and pissing Eli off.
The only thing that had really kept me going was when I day dreamed about my next destination; when I fantasized about leaving and starting again fresh. I had been researching for a few days and two destinations had caught my eye; Tahiti and Croatia. I would be content with either, I’m sure, but I was looking for a place to help me forget…help me forget her.