Something about her fascinated me. Maybe it was the way she talked; I liked the way she talked. It was as if she had everything and nothing to say and she wanted to tell you it all. It was nice. But I think it was the way I've always wanted someone to notice, someone to see, and she saw. She knew, she noticed, she could see something I couldn't and I knew that's what it was. She fascinates me because she could always find what no one else could. A side of me that I hide from the outside world, a piece of me deep within my heart that I didn't want to touch, let alone awaken, and yet she could clearly see through me right into my core and it broke my concentration. It weakened me and made me want to confess to it all and that's probably why I figured maybe I shouldn't be near this girl because she could see it. But I took that risk because it was something I've always desperately wanted, what I yearned for, a living being to notice me and my thoughts without me having to say it out loud, and there she was, Lee Hwa Min, and she was the person I've been looking for. Looking for to look for me. She could see me, and that's all that mattered and it made me want to break apart and tear down all my bridges. It ripped apart my resolve to stay strong and so, around her, I wanted to finally, finally, let free something. That's what it was; all it ever was.
"Why do you think that?" I asked her. I gulped. This was it. The feeling that I got every time this girl goddamn opened her mouth. The part of me that wanted to start crying, of all things.
She shrugged. "I could see it."
I choked on my own spit and began coughing. She looked at me in surprise. "Do you," I coughed again. "Want to go and sit somewhere?" I couldn't help it. I needed to. It's been months with no one but me and Baekhyun and I needed to.
Without a word she nodded and let me follow her into a cafe. We sat down at a table in the far corner of the room and I could tell that she could tell that I desperately had to talk. I buried my head in my hands.
I've lived in this city for months and never told a soul. Because I was me, I was alone, and I always thought that was enough. That if I was strong enough to survive with just me and my sole companion, then I could make it and start anew. But I was wrong, very very wrong, and here was the one person who could hear me out.
"Where are you from?" She asked simply. I breathed in. Out.
"Not from here. From far."
She nodded and waited a few seconds, then leaned forward, chin on her arms, which were loosely folded on the table. Min whispered, "Why don't you just tell me?"
I breathed in.
Out.
And I failed to hold back my own tears.
"Shit." I couldn't do it. I had to but I couldn't and that hurt me more than it should've.
"You can't yet, can you?" She asked. I couldn't help it, a laugh escaped me. Me, who was sobbing in the middle of a cafe like a madman. I shook my head.
And she let me cry.
--------------------------------------
The more I fought back salty tears, the more I tasted them on my lips. I hiccuped once or twice. She stayed in that position for a whole hour, her head behind her crossed arms on the table and she watched me; correction: watched over me. It was in her expression.
My eyes stung, I rubbed my nape and mussed my hair and I hid my face in my hands. It was a crushing weight over my shoulders and, try as I might, I couldn't lift it.
So instead, I cried.
When I finally "calmed down", I rested my head on the cool tabletop and she bought me tea.
"My doctor told me chamomile tea is supposed to help you relax." She said, when she gently placed the cup in from of me. I lifted my head up to look at it. I took it, hesitantly, sat up, and tried it. Just the tiniest sip. It was only a little hotter than 'warm' and it was sweet.
"What did you put in this?" I croaked out. Ugh, my voice sounded awful.
"Honey." She replied simply, returning to her crossed-arm pose. I looked at the tea for a second and mentally shrugged, taking another sip.
"Why did your doctor have to tell you this?" I asked her, without looking up. She had a paper cup in her hands too, only it wasn't tea. I sniffed the air in front of me. It was coffee.
Hwa Min sighed and put the cup down. "I have trouble sleeping. Part-insomniac maybe? Well, point is, it got pretty bad so I asked my doctor for help." She shrugged, a small lift of her shoulders to wave the topic away. But I stuck to it. I didn't want it to escape.
"Why can't you sleep?"
She sighed again and rested her cheek on the palm of her hand. "I think too much. Now stop asking que--"
Before she could finish, I asked, "About what?"
She dragged her hand lightly over her face and rubbed her eyes. "About a guy, okay? About a guy."
I took another sip of tea. I didn't really know how to approach this kind of topic, especially with a girl. "The guy from the other day?"
She nods as she drinks a bit of her coffee. How ironic that she said she couldn't sleep, yet here she was drinking coffee late at night. I was about to point it out when she said, "Liked that useless guy for over five years." And that's when I really took a good look at her.
Her hair was pulled in that messy bun that I knew she must wear often. Her long-sleeved shirt was too big for her, the sleeves went to her fingertips. Under her eyes were dark bags; Min looked exhausted. Tired, not just from sleeping, but just tired of everything.
We were just two sad people, sitting in a cafe, lamenting over past regrets and stupid decisions. It was odd of me to think that I was the only one searching for answers.
"And you still like him." It wasn't really a question but she nodded anyways, taking another sip.
I'd never loved. I wanted to know how she felt though, to love someone so much that she could hang on for five years with nothing. To have someone be the beam of light in my life, for the reason of my being to be that one person.
And then I remembered why I'd gone away from where I began in the first place. I was still looking for a reason to belong, to keep walking and living on. Was that what I wanted? A person to support me instead of having to support myself all the time?
There's a silence as the both of us took the time to ponder and reach the bottoms of our drinks. I leaned against my elbow on the table and finally spoke.
"Tell me about that guy."
I wasn't really a curious person, all things considered, but I didn't want the topic to go back to me. I wanted her to say something for once. For her to talk about herself, her life.
"His name is Wu Yi Fan. But everyone in college called him Kris. I've known him for a hell of a long time. He's insanely smart, a talented basketball player, good at all sports in fact. He's witty and looks all cool and popular on the outside. But on the inside, he has a lot of ideas, a lot of thoughts. He's not exactly a big softy, but he's got his own problems." She sighed again, reminiscing about the days with this Kris guy, I reckon. "He used to come to me just to hang out. We were best friends. Those times were nice. And then I had to tell him I like him and, well," she shrugged, a cold smile on her face. "Here I am."
She finished her coffee and pushed the empty cup around with two fingers. "And when he called me a week ago and told me to meet him at the park, I was ecstatic. It was finally happening. And he never showed." She looked back up at me, that smile on her face. Her lips curled up on the ends, but her eyes looked watery and her eyebrows were scrunched, in a sort of frustrated way. I knew what she was thinking.
I was so hopeful.
It was finally going my way.
My dreams were crushed.
I reached over and covered her eyes with my hand. A part of me finally understood her. And I could tell what she was feeling.
"Cry." I told her. "I won't let a single person see your tears. Not even me."
She's the silent type. The kind of person who doesn't cough, doesn't shift when she cries. Only a steady stream of tears flowed down her cheeks and pooled a little in my hands.
"I've never loved before." I whispered to the window.
Lee Hwa Min spoke in a shaky voice as she replied to me. "You get so lost in it. It hurts the longer you stay in, the deeper you dive and then you can't get out until finally, you're stuck. It's an empty feeling in the pit of your stomach that never goes away, even if you don't love that person anymore."
I looked towards her slowly. "Then why do you do it?"
She lifted my hand away from her face and I used two fingers to wipe away the salty tears from her cheeks. She sniffed. "Because it's a beautiful thing when it works out."
--------------------------------------------
When I walked through the door and closed it gently, Baekhyun was already asleep. After seeing Hwa Min home, ("A girl should never go home by herself at night." I'd said) I returned back to my own place. Baek had left me another note:
I hope you're back >~< Is something wrong? Let's talk tomorrow, okay? Sleep well!
I folded the note and stuffed it into my pocket. I liked keeping them; a few of these notes were in the drawer of my nightstand next to my bed. They were a reminder that at least one person waited for me to return back home. That one person wouldn't leave me to a cold and deserted house every day.
I fell down onto the couch with a sigh and rested my head on my knees. The both of us were just two people, me and Min. Two lonely people. Two lonely people who've up and gone, who had it all or nothing at all, yet managed to lose everything. But I could tell something was different about us too. She deserved better. She'd stayed for the long run, loving this guy all those years, and she should have gained what she wanted.
But I wasn't so sure about me.
--------------------------------------------
From the author: (131007) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EXO'S .JPG HEALING UNICORN, LAY~! :) He's a special snowflake, isn't he?
Anyways, I hope you're liking the story so far. And if you don't like sad scenes or some dark pasts and tears, then I wouldn't recommend this story for you. My apologies. :) But thank you for supporting me if you have been reading this! EXO, Let's love!