TWENTY TWO
My footsteps were as heavy as bricks and sounded like elephant steps as they landed on the floor of the hospital - at least, that's how it seemed to me. My brain also felt like the world was in slow motion, and I could hardly see because of how blurry my vision happened to be. But none of that was important, because my best friend was dead in a hospital bed and I broke his heart.
Someone touched me, called my a name, shook me - but I couldn't respond. I opened my mouth and nothing came out, I tried to move but my limbs wouldn't respond, and when I attempted to stop crying the tears seemed to flow thicker and faster then they previously had. I was no longer in control of my body or my surroundings, but I didn't find that upsetting. I preferred it, because if I felt things then I knew that I'd only be in searing pain - and I didn't want that, even though I deserved it. I deserved all of the pain in the world but instead I got numbness.
It's funny how life works.
Somebody, a doctor, carried me out of Brady's room just as the Hire's, Landon, Kendra, and Ford all shoved their way in. None of them asked me what happened, none of them asked me why a doctor was carrying me away form Brady. But that was okay, because Brady was dead and I was numb and sad.
And then everything was dark.
-----
ten years ago
Reaching my small hand up in front of my face, I observe the slim rays of sunshine that slip through the cracks in between my fingers. A smile graces my face, and then a giggle, as I wiggle my hand so that a little more and a little less sun escapes through my fingers.
"Look at this." I turn my face to Brady, who's lying on his back like he could create a snow angel, except he can't because it's summer and there's no snow. His eyes are closed until he turns to me and opens his grassy irises. "I'm playing with the sun."
Brady giggled, reaching up his hand in front of his face and mirroring the movement of my fingers until he too was playing with the sun. For a while we stayed like that - lying on our backs in the middle of the forest behind Brady's house. It was around two or so, and the only reason that I knew this was because Bianca only woke up at two and you could hear her screaming from a mile away. Brady had invited me over about an hour or so ago, and after a good while of exhausting play, we'd taken a break and relaxed in the forest.
Birds chirped in trees, bugs sent a buzzing chill down my spine, and the soft grass beneath my bare calves and arms soothed my skin. "I like it here." I told Brady softly. "It's fun. Cool."
Brady pulled himself up until his legs were crossed into Indian Style. "Thanks." He smiled. "I come here a lot."
"I would too." I giggles, yanking a few strands of grass from the ground and playfully tossing it at him. "Eat it."
A daring glare lifted Brady's lips on his face as the grass landed on his lap. "Dare me to?"
"Duh,"
After a brief hesitation, Brady grabbed a fist full of grass and shoves it into his small mouth before chewing slowly, and then spitting it right back out onto my bare legs. I squealed, standing up instantly and attempting to get as much of the saliva coated grass off of my thin legs as I can.
"Sorry," Brady quickly apologized before standing up as well and using his tiny fingers to pick off sticky grass from my thighs. "It tasted gross."
Though I was disgusted, I wasn't mad. It was always hard for me to get mad at Brady because it felt like all of the wrongs he committed were on accident. His personality was always innocent and pure - never intentionally hurting so much as a fly. I loved him and hated him for it, for it made it hard to get upset when I felt he had hurt me, yet there was no reason to be mad because he didn't actually mean to hurt me.
I was quick to forgive, "It's okay." I mumbled, watching as he picked off the last of the grass. "I shouldn't have dared you." And then I was giggling, as was he, until we fell back down on the grass and were looking right back up at the sun through the random spaces between the leaves.
When the laughing had died down, we found ourselves stuck in a peaceful kind of silence. Silent so that we could hear the bees buzzing as they hurried from flower to flower. Silent so that we could hear the wind whistling in our ears and kissing our skin. Silent so that I could hear Brady breath ever so softly while my eyes watching his chest rise.
"Hey, Leah?"
I turned my head so that I was facing him. "Hi, Brady."
"You're my best friend." He said, eyes twinkling with the classic childhood innocence that always seemed to disappear far too quickly. "You know that, right?"
"Of course." I smiled. "You, me and Ford."
Brady shook his head. "Just you and me. You're my best friend."
I was confused, for I had always assumed that the three of us were best friends together. "What about Ford?" I wondered. "Isn't he your best friend too?"
Brady turned forward again, and seemed to think for a moment before speaking again. "He's my best friend, but not like you are. You're special." He turned to me again, and this time he smiled. "In a good way."
I smiled back, overall pleased with his answer. "You're my best friend too."
"Can I ... can I hold your hand?" Brady asked me uneasily.
My first instinct was to say no, because at age seven I was convinced that when a boy and a girl held hands that it automatically meant they were in love - and love was gross. But in that moment, something compelled me to say yes. Maybe it was because Brady and I weren't in love, but we were best friends. Maybe it was because the air smelled sweet and the sun felt good against my skin. Maybe it was a mixture of the two. Either way, when I said yes and Brady's small fingers intertwined with mine, I knew that I had made the right decision.
So we laid there in the middle of the forest holding hands and watching the sun go down without so much as a care in the world, because we were seven and seven year olds don't care about things like seventeen year olds do. Seven year olds don't fall in love with both of their best friends and end up heartbroken by the both of them. Seven year olds don't break hearts either.
Seven year olds are best friends.
------
"... in shock-"
"In shock my ass."
"She's unconscious, she might not wake up-"
"Hope she doesn't."
"Why are you even here, Bianca? Leah doesn't need to wake up to this."
"She doesn't need to wake up at all. I hope she dies slowly and painfully, and you would too if you really cared about Brady."
"What's wrong with caring about the both of them? Landon? Kendra?"
"Wake her up."
"I can-"
My eyes opened immediately after I felt a sharp pain to my shoulder, and when I saw Kendra, Landon, Ford, and Bianca all standing around my bed I wished that I hadn't.
"Bianca!" Ford growled, glaring angrily at the girl who looked much paler, sadder, and emptier than I had ever seen her.
"Oh look," Bianca mumbled. "She's awake." And then she was gone, slamming the door to my hospital room behind her.
My hospital room.
I was lying down on a hospital bed, wearing a white gown with floral print. My skin felt dry, especially around my face where my heavy lids and chapped lips gave me the idea that I had been asleep for a while. Ford was to my right while Landon and Kendra were sitting in the couch by the door - I'm guessing to remain as far away from me as possible.
"Hey," Ford stroked my thin arm gently, and when I looked at him I was surprised to find eyes full of sincerity and care.
"Hi," I croaked. It felt like I hadn't spoken in a few days - my throat feeling tight and my lips hurting to move. "What happened?"
Landon spoke with dark eyes and a hoarse voice. "You mean besides you killing our best friend? Not much."
"Quit it." Ford barked. He looked back at me, rubbing my hair. "You were in shock and passed out. You've been unconscious for a few hours."
I was confused, and then what had happened previously came back to me in large chunks. "Brady's dead." I whispered to myself, swallowing what felt like a rock as my eyes began to burn.
"Yeah," Ford sighed sadly. "He's gone."
In the mix of everything, I had forgotten how close Brady and Ford happened to be. They played sports together in the late years of middle school and early years of high school, so that brotherly bond was always evident between them. Of course they had their differences - Brady was a sweet teddy bear and Ford was wreck less and exciting. It's no wonder that I had feelings for the both of them.
"No fucking way." Landon stood up and made his way over to the two of us with eyes like a storm and a heart like ice. "Neither of you have the right to morn over Brady - especially you." He pointed to Ford. "The both of you killed him. You-" He pointed at me, and when I looked into his eyes again I could see tears building up. "You stinky slut, and you-" Landon pointed to Ford. "You selfish dick. You two combined killed my best friend."
"I loved him." I choked, trying to use any type of excuse to get Landon off of my back - maybe then the pain would calm. "I didn't mean to—"
"Bullshit." Landon laughed darkly, his voice beginning to crack as tears streamed down both of our faces. Landon wasn't a crier, so this was rare for me to see - him broken like he is now. "You used him, as an excuse for Ford."
Ford was all broad shoulders and angry eyes at Landon as they literally bumped chests, "You need to leave." Ford growled. "Now."
"No, you need to leave." Landon growled right back. "Leave this hospital, leave this town, leave this planet - because no matter how fucking hard we try we just can't seem to get rid of you and you're—"
"Enough."
Kendra stood up from her previously silent spot on the couch and took silent steps towards he middle of the room - the center of attention. I had momentarily forgotten about her, as she was the only one of us who hadn't been attacked or got caught in a fight, which was different for her. She was always outspoken and opinionated, but the loss of Brady had already changed her.
It had changed all of us.
"He was my best friend too." Her voice was soft but held the strength of a thousand men. "Did any of you ever stop to think about that? That I loved and cared about him too?" When none of us spoke, she continued. "No, you didn't, because you were all too busy pointing fingers. Well guess what? It's my turn." Kendra turned to me first, eyes glossy and sunken and just not Kendra. "You killed Brady with you're inconsideration." Then, it was Ford. "You killed Brady with your selfishness." Lastly, Landon. "And you killed him with your ignorance. You all killed Brady, each and everyone of you. So deal with it." Kendra whipped around and stormed out of the hospital room, slamming the door just before Landon followed her out.
And then there were two.
I was speechless. Utterly and completely speechless, mostly because I knew that Kendra had hit the nail on the head. We had all contributed to Brady's death in some way, and she had let us know exactly how. I was inconsiderate because I kissed Ford when I was supposed to love Brady and I let him drive home when I knew he was drink. Ford was selfish because he kissed me when he knew that I was supposed to be in love with Brady. And Landon was ignorant because he had no idea of what was happening between the two of us. We were all at fault, some more than others.
"She's right." I exhaled shakily. "I killed him."
Ford sighed, joining me by my bed and clasping my hand in his. "No you didn't. You loved him - there's a difference."
I shook my head as the tears began I fall. "No, I loved you. Everyone but Brady knew that." And then I was sobbing - a snotty, hiccup-filled sob that wasn't the slightest bit attractive.
I didn't hear him through my ugly sobs, but I felt Ford slip into the hospital bed beside me, until my head was resting on his lean chest and my sobs were being soaked up by his tee shirt. And I don't know how long I remained there but I relaxed into him eventually until Ford felt like an extension of my body, and not just the boy that I loved and broke at the same time.
The boy that I could never have.
----