Zeke wandered back down to the lobby and, upon finding it empty, decided to go outside and try to find a place to eat. As he stepped into the street he noticed that it was beginning to get dark outside. There were some spiral shaped poles scattered about here and there emitting light in various colors. He presumed these functioned as some sort of street lamps.
A group of four creatures that looked not unlike walking teddy bears in Hawaiian shirts walked past him laughing loudly amongst themselves.
“Excuse me,” Zeke ventured. “Do you happen to know of anywhere to eat nearby?”
One of the teddy bears turned and looked at him. It seemed to be a bit unsteady on its feet and Zeke wondered if he hadn’t seen these guys hanging out at Smelly Pete’s Tavern earlier.
“Sure mate,” the teddy bear said with its speech distinctly slurred.
Zeke waited expectantly for more information, but after a moment’s pause it seemed nothing else was forthcoming. “Well, um, can you tell me where it is?”
The teddy bear got a contemplative look on its face. “Yeah, it’s just around the corner over there… or is it that other corner over there? Hmm… come to think of it I believe that place closed down fifteen years ago.”
One of the other teddy bears leaned over and vomited in the street. “Oh look,” said the first one. “You can eat that if you’d like.”
Zeke crinkled his nose in disgust. “No thanks. Uh, I guess I’ll just find something on my own.”
“Have it your way, mate,” the teddy bear shrugged and stumbled off down the street with his friends.
Zeke shoved his hand in his pocket and it came to rest on the tourist’s guide he had retrieved from Dr. Octavius’s laboratory. He thumbed through it and noticed a fairly detailed map of the city printed in the inside back cover. He remembered that Sweaty Jim’s Dinery-O-Rama had come highly recommended and it appeared to be located just a few blocks to the east. He closed the book, shoved it back in his pocket and set off towards the restaurant.
He managed to find it without too much difficulty, although he did take one wrong turn down a blind alley where he was unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse of two filthy hyena-like creatures engaged in some heavy petting in a dumpster. He beat a hasty retreat and got himself back on track, locating the restaurant a few minutes later.
From the outside its appearance was surprisingly plain. It was a white box-like structure with the only distinctive feature being an incredibly life-like statue of a fat hairy bald human in a white tank top shirt with a palm tree drawn on it in marker. Zeke wondered if this was an attempt to make the decidedly un-Hawaiian shirt have more of a local flair.
The statue held a cardboard sign straight over its head, revealing an ample amount of underarm hair in the process. The sign read “Sweaty Jim’s Dinery-O-Rama” in sloppily scrawled lettering, apparently written by the same magic marker that had drawn the palm tree on the shirt. The statue also appeared to be perspiring heavily.
As Zeke approached the statue suddenly turned its head and spoke to him. “Hey there partner, welcome to Sweaty Jim’s Dinery-O-Rama. I’m Sweaty Jim, owner and proprietor of this fine establishment. ”
Zeke turned in shock. It wasn’t a statue after all but an actual person. “Uh, hello. I’m Zeke.”
“Pleased to meet you, Zeke,” Sweaty Jim said as he lowered the sign for a moment and extended his hand.
Zeke shook it uncertainly and then dropped it. There was an awkward silence as Sweaty Jim stared at him expectantly. “Um, what are you doing out here?” Zeke asked lamely.
“Hmm? Oh, you’ll have to forgive the shabby appearance of the restaurant. We’re in the process of redecorating the exterior. We’re without a sign at the moment so I’m filling in.”
“I see,” Zeke rubbed his chin contemplatively. There was another awkward silence. “Well, I’m going to go on in and get a bite to eat.”
“Of course, of course. I didn’t mean to keep you out here engaged in conversation when I’m sure you’re craving the delicious mouth-watering goodness of a hot off the grill Sweaty Jim Original Skunk Burger.”
“Um, yeah. That’s exactly what I was craving.” Zeke rolled his eyes and pushed open the swinging door that led into the restaurant.
“Bon appetit!” Sweaty Jim called after him.
The interior had a bit of a Fifties-style diner feel to it, although all of the colors seemed oddly askew. The floor was a yellow and pink checkerboard design and all of the booths were bright orange. He took a seat at the green counter on a purple stool. Some very strange sounding music was blaring out of a trapezoidal shaped device in the corner that seemed to be some sort of jukebox. The music was characterized by sudden shifts from extreme high pitches to extreme low pitches and seemed to be lacking in rhythm all together, although Zeke found it oddly hypnotic.
The waitress, who appeared to be a walking pig with red hair dressed in a Hawaiian shirt covered by an apron, came over promptly to take Zeke’s order. “Hi there honey, my name is Erma and I’ll be your waitress today. Can I interest you in our special for today? It’s a double skunk burger with Gila monster salad, fried gorilla testicles, and a small drink. Only half a strand of floss.”
Zeke stared at her in disbelief waiting for her to crack a smile and say she was just joking. She continued to wait patiently with a pen and order card in hand. Slowly it dawned on Zeke that she wasn’t joking at all. It hadn’t occurred to him that the food here might be a bit exotic for his tastes.
“Uh, no thanks,” he said.
“How about some spider soup? It’s fresh.”
“No thanks,” Zeke repeated. “Don’t you serve hamburgers or anything?”
The waitress stared at him with a look of horror on her face. “Is this some kind of sick joke? Of course we don’t serve ‘ham’ burgers here. The very idea! I suppose you want me to go carve out a chunk of my own flesh so you can get your ham fix.”
Zeke was confused for a moment then realized that, being a pig, she had taken offense to his usage of the term “ham.” “No, no. Hamburgers aren’t made out of ham. They’re beef. You know, like cows.”
“Beef?” Erma asked incredulously. “Then why don’t you call them Beef burgers?”
“Uh, I don’t really know. Maybe they’re named after Hamburg or something.”
“What’s Hamburg?”
“I think it’s a city in Germany.”
Erma looked utterly confused. “What’s Germany? Is it contagious?”
“No, no,” Zeke shook his head. “It’s this… well, it’s kind of hard to explain, but it’s a country on Earth, the place where I’m from. And anyway Hamburg is just a city in Germany.”
Erma seemed to consider this for a moment. “I still don’t see why anyone would want to build a city in a known germ hotbed.”
“It’s not a germ hotbed, it’s just what the place is called.”
Erma still appeared disgusted. “They actually chose to call themselves that?”
“Well, actually if I recall from the semester of German I took, the people who live there actually call it Deutschland. Germany’s just the English translation.”
“And how do you get Germany from Deutschland?”
Zeke felt himself getting a headache. “I really don’t know. Look can we just change the subject?”
“Fine with me, hon. It’s not my fault you come from some crazy world.”
“Yeah, okay, let’s just forget about it, okay? Now do you have any normal food around this place?” Zeke’s stomach grumbled loudly.
“I don’t know what you mean by normal, Hon, but most people come to Sweaty Jim’s to eat skunk burgers.”
“All right, all right, fine,” Zeke threw his hands up in defeat. “Just bring me a friggin’ skunk burger. May as well see what all the fuss is about, I guess.”
“One skunk burger coming right up. And did you need anything to drink today?”
“Please tell me you have water,” Zeke said hopefully.
“Sure, sure,” Erma replied. “I’ll bring it right out.”
He watched her grab a small cup and walk into the bathroom. The door remained partially open and he could see her apparently bending over the toilet accompanied by a pronounced splashing sound, not unlike something being dipped in a puddle. She emerged with a full glass of water.
“Here you are, hon.”
Zeke stared at the glass and decided he would just have to go thirsty for the time being. A few minutes later she returned with a plate, which she set in front of him. It contained a whole furry dead skunk wedged between two slices of bread. The bushy tail hung limply over the edge of the plate, while its glassy eyes stared vacantly into space.
Zeke’s face dropped. “I don’t know if I can eat this.”
“Is something wrong, Hon?” Erma asked.
“Well, for starters there’s a dead skunk on toast sitting on my plate.”
“And?”
“Well, I figured it would at least be skinned and have the head and tail chopped off. I thought it would just be some unidentifiable piece of meat. Possibly like chicken if I was lucky.”
“But then how would you know it was a skunk burger?” Erma asked.
“Well, I guess that’s kind of the point. Maybe I could have convinced myself it wasn’t.”
“Look, if it makes you feel any better, Leroy was a very nice skunk in life. He gave freely to charity, had a wife and several of the cutest young baby skunks you’d ever hope to see.”
“Leroy?” Zeke repeated. “You’re telling me this skunk’s name was Leroy?”
“Yes. Leroy Johnson. He was a respected member of the community up until his untimely death. Stood a little too close to an electric tree and got zapped. Such a tragedy. But we purchased his freshly killed carcass at basement prices and now he’s your delicious delectable meal this evening.”
“Man, I really didn’t need to know personal information about him. Now I really don’t think I can eat this.”
“What’s the matter with you?” Erma looked at him disapprovingly. “Go on, take a bite. What, you want everyone in here to think you’re a tourist or something?”
“Well, no, but this is just a little weird.”
“What’s weird about it? Skunk burgers are a main staple of the Quartzwater City diet.”
“I don’t know about this,” Zeke protested.
“You should at least try it, hon. What, are you afraid of new experiences?”
“All right! Fine! I’ll try it.” Zeke closed his eyes, wrinkled his nose in disgust and slowly lifted the burger to his mouth. He bit into it and immediately heard a loud “pop” followed by a whirring sound similar to air leaking from a tire. Shortly after that a powerful stench wafted all around him and he felt like he was choking on the fumes. Several of the other patrons in the restaurant shot disapproving glares at him.
“You idiot!” Erma screamed. “You were supposed to disarm the tail before you bit into it!”
“Why didn’t you tell me that before?” he wondered as he plugged his nose.
“I thought you knew! It’s the most basic part of eating a skunk burger! I swear, no one should be allowed to enter Quartzwater City without passing some test of basic knowledge. Maybe Trevor Mastodon is right and we should just get rid of tourists altogether.”
“I’m sorry,” Zeke hung his head. “This is all new to me.” He ventured to remove his fingers from his nose and quickly returned them. “Good lord this stench is awful.” He noticed that the tables nearby him had all emptied.
“Well lucky for you I think we have some antidote spray in the back. Just hold tight.” She returned a minute later with a small bottle and proceeded to spray him up and down. Unfortunately it sputtered and stopped working before the stench had disappeared. “Looks like it’s empty. But don’t worry we have a deodorizing tub out in the shed. It’s a much slower process and you’ll have to soak yourself in it for a couple of hours, but it should do the trick.”
“All right, lead the way.”
***
Zeke emerged from the deodorizing bath a couple hours later and was pleased to find that the aroma had indeed disappeared. He had spent the time studying his tourist guidebook while he soaked in the tub and discovered there was a detailed explanation on the process of disarming skunk burgers. He found the description rather interesting and supposedly they were quite tasty when prepared right. The overpowering smell had made him lose his appetite but he decided he would have to take another shot at the skunk burger experience sometime.
He was also relieved to learn that many restaurants used water purification tanks that bore a vague resemblance to toilets, so most likely Erma had retrieved his water out of one of these. Or at least he hoped that was the case.
The deodorizing tub had been in a small shed behind the restaurant so Zeke re-entered through the back door. Erma had offered to bring him another skunk burger, but he declined and paid her a small strand of floss even though he had barely eaten the first one.
He wasn’t sure what to do next. He didn’t feel comfortable returning to the hotel even though he figured Vance and Sarah had had more than enough time to do their business.
He pulled out his tourist guidebook again and flipped through the pages as he wandered out the front entrance whereupon he was immediately accosted again by Sweaty Jim.
“Hey there, partner! You were in there a long time. You must have really enjoyed yourself!”
Zeke looked up from the book startled. “Oh, it’s you. Yes, I had a truly lovely experience.”
“Glad to hear it,” Sweaty Jim enthused, completely oblivious to the sarcasm. “So where you headed to now?”
“Uh, I don’t know,” Zeke admitted. “Got any suggestions?”
Sweaty Jim looked around in a conspiratorial like fashion. “You like to party?”
“What do you have in mind?” Zeke asked uncertainly. He had an uncomfortable feeling that he was being hit on.
“Well, I’m due to close the restaurant in about twenty minutes. If you wanna stick around we can break out some alcohol and hit Ned’s Discotheque. Maybe we can find us some ladies there. A couple of good looking guys like us shouldn’t have any trouble in that department, eh?”
Zeke felt somewhat reluctant to hang out with this weirdo, but he didn’t really have anything better to do. He had recovered nicely from his earlier run-in with the widowmaker, so the thought of drinking appealed to him. And maybe he would be able to pick up a girl. Maybe he’d have better luck on a strange foreign world than his own. “All right.”
“Now that’s what I like to hear, buddy. Let’s tear this town apart!”
“Uh huh.” Zeke spent the next twenty minutes listening to Sweaty Jim rail on about how great the night was going to be and about how the two of them were going to bring new meaning to the term ‘partying.’
Zeke continued to grunt little affirmative sounds whenever there was a space in the conversation. Still, if this guy was such a legendary party animal as he claimed to be, Zeke couldn’t help but wonder why he had to approach strangers that visited his restaurant to hang out with him. He shrugged it off as Sweaty Jim announced that he would finally be able to close down the diner and he’d be back with a bottle of grog. Zeke whistled a little tune to himself as he waited for the fat man to return.
He emerged a few minutes later wearing sunglasses and a translucent shirt with gold-trimmed palm tree outlines that showed off his rather grotesque physique. His nipples protruded quite noticeably. He also carried a pink paper bag with a bottle in it.
He locked the door and turned around with a big smile on his face. “All right, buddy. You ready to party down like you’ve never partied before?”
“Sure,” Zeke said.
“You need a swig of this?” he offered up the bottle.
“All right.” Zeke accepted it and took a big swallow. It was somewhat spicy but not bad. A pleasant warmth made its way down his throat and into his stomach. It had a bit of a kick, but clearly it wasn’t anywhere near the strength of the widowmaker.
“So where are we going?” he asked as he handed the bottle back to Sweaty Jim.
“Ned’s Discotheque. It’s over by the jail. It should be swinging by now.”
“Oh yeah, I think I read about that place. I heard it’s one of the best nightclubs in town.”
“I’ll tell you what, buddy. You haven’t lived until you’ve partied with me at Ned’s Discotheque. Let the good times roll!” He took a swig from the bottle and handed it back to Zeke.
“Thank you, my man,” Zeke said, starting to get caught up in Sweaty Jim’s enthusiasm in spite of himself. He took two gulps off the bottle and passed it off.
It didn’t take too long to reach Ned’s Discotheque, but Zeke could already feel a slight alcohol buzz. The building itself was tall and angular and it was lit up in bright shades of green and red, which alternated back and forth. A large glitzy sign flashed on and off proudly declaring that this was indeed the one and only Ned’s Discotheque.
Zeke could hear loud music pumping out as they approached the entrance. It was unusual in that it seemed to be constantly changing its texture, almost as if a completely different instrument was playing each note. As Zeke listened he detected an odd but undeniable beat, which seemed to fall at irregular intervals at first, but gradually he could sense the pattern and realized it was quite danceable.
There was a small line of creatures of various sorts waiting by the entrance, which was blocked off by a velvet rope and manned by an upright rhinoceros in a yellow Hawaiian shirt.
When they reached the front of the line Sweaty Jim whipped out a canister of floss. “What’s the cover charge tonight, partner?”
The rhinoceros eyed him suspiciously. “Hey, I recognize you.”
“I’m sure you must have me mistaken for somebody else.”
“No, I remember you. You’re that pervert that was trying to set up cameras in the women’s restroom. You’ve been banned for life! Now get out of here before I break your face! And take your goofy looking friend here with you!”
“I really have no idea what you’re talking about,” Sweaty Jim said as he looked around nervously. “Come on, just let us in. I’ll give you an extra canister of floss.”
The rhinoceros approached menacingly. “I’ll kill both of you suckers if you don’t get out of here immediately. And believe me, I’ve been jonesing for a good killing.”
“Come on,” Zeke whispered. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Not so fast,” Sweaty Jim replied. “I’d like to speak to your manager! You can’t treat decent people this way! I’m innocent, I tell you! You’ve got the wrong guy!”
“Fool, tonight I’m the manager, the doorman, and the official ass kicker. Now you’re testing your luck, fat man. I suggest you leave and do it within the next ten seconds or you’re going to be a splatter on the pavement.”
“But-” Sweaty Jim sputtered and just narrowly managed to dodge as a large powerful fist came whizzing over his head.
“That’s it,” Zeke said. “I’m out of here.” He turned and walked quickly down the street.
Sweaty Jim caught up a minute later. “Hey, what’d you run away for? I had that guy right where I wanted him. In a couple more minutes I would’ve had us in there, no problem.”
“In a couple more minutes we would have both been getting served up as human burgers in some other diner in this town,” Zeke said as he grabbed the liquor bottle and took a shot.
“Yeah, well, it’s all right,” Sweaty Jim said. “I know a secret way in through the roof. I found it when I was setting up those cameras in the women’s restroom.”
“What, are you crazy?” Zeke asked. “We can’t sneak in there! What if that guy catches us?”
“Don’t worry about that, partner. You just leave him to me. I’ll take care of it. Now come on, let’s get up on the roof.”
They walked down a side alleyway and found a ladder that Zeke guessed was probably used as a fire escape. Sweaty Jim began climbing it and Zeke followed, although he wished he had taken the lead as large droplets of sweat dripped down on him from above.
They reached the roof a few minutes later. Sweaty Jim was out of breath from the exertion of climbing the ladder and needed to sit and rest a minute. Zeke took several more gulps off the bottle as he waited for him to recover.
“All right,” Sweaty Jim panted. “There’s a trapdoor around here somewhere that leads into an attic space. From there we can access any other part of the building.”
“Do you remember where the trapdoor is located?” Zeke asked as he began to walk around looking. He didn’t even have time to get a response as the trapdoor collapsed under his weight when he walked across it causing him to fall in a heap onto the floor below and stirring up a big cloud of dust in the process.
“Good show, partner!” Sweaty Jim shouted as he looked down at Zeke from above. “I couldn’t remember exactly where it was, but you found it all right!” He attempted to lower himself down gently but his fingers slipped and he fell on Zeke’s head. “Oops, sorry about that. Good thing I’ve got a lot of natural cushioning.”
Zeke attempted to reply but was muffled by Sweaty Jim’s armpit, which happened to be draped across his face.
“What’s that, partner? Oh sorry, let me get off you. Hoo boy, is this an adrenaline rush or what? Say, you need another sip of grog? It looks like the bottle survived the fall.”
“Sure,” Zeke said, needing something to take his mind off the putridness of Sweaty Jim’s armpit, although he was starting to feel a bit intoxicated.
“Now let’s see. There’s a staircase over by that wall that leads to an ‘employees only’ area. From there we can access the main club and that, my friend, is where the action is.” He licked his lips lecherously. “I’ll tell you what, partner. I’ve got a good feeling. We’re going to be rolling in the pussy tonight.”
“Well what are we waiting for?” Zeke hiccupped as he drained the bottle. “Let’s go get our mojo working!” There was no denying his drunkenness now as he adopted a bit of a cocky swagger. He stumbled a bit on the staircase but maintained his balance.
They descended into an empty hallway. The loud propulsive beat of the strange music was clearly audible through the wall and Zeke couldn’t help shaking his behind along with it.
“Looks like the coast is clear,” Sweaty Jim whispered. “Let’s make a break for it!” They ran to a door that was situated nearby and pushed their way through.
The sight that greeted them could only be described as a sensory overload. The music was so loud it seemed to make the whole room shake and bright flashing lights of every color imaginable performed an intricate ballet around the room. There were laser beams that shot out of the walls as well as squiggly little bolts that raced through the air. Zeke had no idea where they could be originating from. There was also the occasional burst of intense light that would randomly pop out of nowhere. Additionally there were beams of multi-colored lights that shot straight up out of the dance floor flashing on and off in time to the music. On top of this was a single solitary disco ball hanging from the ceiling. The whole thing seemed not unlike the most intense fireworks display Zeke had ever witnessed.
Sweaty Jim started beating his chest, let out a Tarzan yowl, and immediately raced onto the dance floor, quickly disappearing into the mass of numerous writhing bodies.
Despite his earlier swagger, Zeke felt a little overwhelmed. He spotted the bar off to the side and decided another drink might be in order. He was amazed to notice that the volume of the music dropped significantly as he approached the bar. He wondered if there was some sort of invisible shield that served to dampen the sound. This was presumably for the bartender’s benefit so he could hear the drink orders. All in all it wasn’t a bad idea.
He sidled up to the bar and flashed a canister of floss, hoping to get the bartender’s attention. After a few minutes it finally worked as the rather ugly lizard-like creature slithered over and asked for his order.
Having learned his lesson after the beer fiasco at Smelly Pete’s he inquired if there were any specials.
“We got maglar at a mere ssssstrand per glasssssss,” the bartender hissed.
“I don’t know what that is, but I’ll take it,” Zeke announced as he peeled off the floss. “And here’s a little something extra for you.” He dropped another strand into the tip jar.
“Thanksssss,” the bartender pulled out a large glass, held it up to a tap and dispensed a dark yellow substance that looked a lot like beer.
“Thank you, my good man,” Zeke said as he picked up the glass and gulped it down. It had a warm somewhat acidic taste to it. “Hmm, not bad. What’s in this stuff anyway?”
“Fermented octopusssss urine,” the bartender replied nonchalantly and then left to help another customer.
It had never previously occurred to Zeke to wonder if octopi actually urinated or not, but nonetheless it had tasted pretty good and when he caught the bartender’s attention again he decided to order another one.
He drank this one more slowly and stared out at the dance floor. There were numerous creatures performing all sorts of strange maneuvers, but no sign of Sweaty Jim.
He smiled dreamily as he felt the warm pleasant alcoholic buzz swimming around in his head. The room was spinning slightly and Zeke started rocking back and forth in a trancelike state, blissing out to the music.
A shrill feminine voice snapped him out of his reverie. “What are you doing here, handsome?”
He turned to see a small chicken tugging on his leg. “Esther?” he asked disbelievingly. He had completely forgotten that Vance had thrust her through the door.
“That’s right, sweetie. You’re a sight for sore eyes,” she clucked.
“Uh, how come you’re talking? Have you always been able to talk?”
“Sure I have. I’ve never been able to understand the crazy noises coming out of you before either. Something about this place makes everyone able to understand each other.”
“I see,” Zeke rubbed his chin ponderously as he considered this information.
Esther hopped up on a barstool to get closer to eye level with Zeke. “So,” she cooed. “Feel like buying a girl a drink?” She began rubbing his arm seductively with her wing.
“Uh, okay,” he said awkwardly. “What’ll you have?”
“Whatever you’re having, big boy.”
“All right.” He darted his eyes around the room self-consciously. He had a weird feeling about this. Nonetheless, he flagged down the bartender and ordered another maglar for Esther.
She took the drink and sipped at it. “Mmmm,” she sighed in what passed for a sultry tone coming from a chicken. “So, feel like getting lucky tonight, stud?”
Zeke almost choked on his drink. “Look, I don’t know what you’re getting at here, Esther, but I’m not into any sort of weird shit.”
“I think you know exactly what I’m getting at, lover boy,” she said as she let her wing drop down to his thigh. “I’ve got a few eggs that need to be fertilized.”
Zeke sputtered incoherently for a moment before pulling himself back together. “Fertilized? I’m sorry, but no. I can’t do that.”
“Come on. There’s no need to be shy. You weren’t before in the lab. You made me feel things that nobody else ever has.”
Zeke felt his skin crawl as she reminded him of the unspeakable acts Dr. Octavius had made him perform. “I’ve gotta be honest with you here, Esther. I only did what I did before because I’m a very pathetic man whose lot in life is to carry out extremely degrading tasks in order to make money. Believe me, it was completely meaningless.”
“Aw, your modesty is cute,” she giggled. “You can deny it all you want, but I know there’s an intense fiery passion burning within you. I felt it in the way you touched me.”
Zeke gulped down the rest of his drink and then buried his face in his hands. “This is really weird. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I just really can’t do this.”
“Stop being such a tease,” she persisted. “I’m all hot and bothered and I need some love.”
“If you’re so starved for love why couldn’t you have just accepted Michelangelo? He was willing. Besides, Dr. Octavius needed you to mate with a monkey for the good of scientific progress, or something like that.”
“Michelangelo was a jerk. He only cared about himself. He didn’t bother to try to please me, unlike you. And as for scientific progress, well, you look just like a big hairless monkey to me, sugar.”
“All right, that’s enough,” Zeke said, unable to keep the disgust off his face. “Just put this idea out of your head. It’s not going to happen. End of story.”
“Well, how about just a kiss then?” she asked.
Zeke pondered the mechanics of how that might work. “You don’t exactly have lips,” he pointed out.
“Just a quick little peck, so to speak. Come on. I’ll scream if you don’t.”
Zeke eyed her warily for a moment and shook his head vigorously.
“Help! This guy’s trying to rape me!” Esther clucked at the top of her lungs. Some of the other patrons at the bar turned to stare. Zeke quickly covered her beak with his hand.
“Isss there a problem here, misssss?” the bartender hissed.
“No, no problems,” Zeke said quickly as he removed his hand from her beak. “Right, Esther?”
“Well, I don’t know. Are there any problems?” she asked threateningly.
“All right, all right, just a quick peck. But that’s it, okay? Nothing more.”
“Okay,” she clucked happily. “No problems here, thank you,” she dismissed the bartender. “So. Are you ready?”
Zeke exhaled loudly as he ran his hand down his face. “I guess. Let’s get this over with.” He closed his eyes, puckered his lips, wrinkled his nose in disgust, and leaned forward hesitantly. He felt the sharp tip of her beak press against his lips followed immediately by a slimy tongue wiggling its way into his mouth.
“Blech!” he shouted as he broke away. He began spitting and wiping at his mouth with his arms. “You said just a quick little peck! You lied to me!”
“Well sometimes a girl’s just got to get assertive with you shy boys,” she shrugged.
Zeke was about to respond but was interrupted by a hand falling heavily on his shoulder. He whirled around to see a frantic and disheveled Sweaty Jim out of breath and living up to his name as perspiration oozed out of every pore in his body. “Where the hell have you been?” Zeke asked.
“No time to explain,” Sweaty Jim panted. “We’ve gotta get out of here immediately!”
“What’s going on?” Zeke asked.
“I may possibly have groped a few females inappropriately. Anyway, someone called the bouncer. He knows we’re in here and he’s after us!”
As if on cue, the large rhinoceros came plodding into the bar area. “There you are! You suckers are gonna rue the day you were born!”
Zeke looked around desperately. They appeared to be cornered. “Well, it’s been nice knowing you,” he said to Sweaty Jim. “But then again, not really.”
“Oh, you sorry sons of bitches are gonna learn a whole new definition of the word pain,” the rhinoceros said gleefully as it pounded its gigantic fist into its other hand.
Suddenly Esther leaped into the air and began flapping around the bouncer’s face, pecking and clawing at his eyes and squawking hysterically. “Run!” she called back to Zeke. “I can’t distract him much longer!”
Zeke and Sweaty Jim exchanged glances for half a second and then quickly made a beeline for the exit.