Living in a Jumble of Wishes
Chapter 22
It has been a week since my dad passed away. It was the hardest week of my life. My mom was constantly crying and she wouldn’t even sleep in her room anymore. Every night she would sleep next to me, in my room.
I didn’t sleep at night. I haven’t had a full night of sleep in a week.
Every day I would go inside my dad’s room and just stare at his clothes in the closet. His smell filled the room and while I was in there it felt like he never really left.
I would look at our pictures together and cry for hours.
How did he leave all of a sudden? I still couldn’t comprehend what has happened.
Throughout the whole week my mom and I were surrounded by family and friends. My aunts visited every day and they were next to my mom the whole time and for that I was grateful.
As for me, Carla and Kate were by my side all the time during school and they tried to keep my mind off things.
But Landon played the biggest role in that. Every single day, I would find him outside my house at exactly seven fifteen. He would walk me to school and most of the time our walks were silent but he would always have his arm around my shoulders and when we arrived to my school he would give me a hug, wish me a good day and then go to his school. I knew he was being late every day but he didn’t mind. And after school, he would always wait for me. He wouldn’t wait at the front doors of the school, no, he would wait right in front of the door of my class. And when we got to my house, he wouldn’t leave me, he stayed with me for as long as I wanted him to.
And during the weekend, he stayed at my house from the moment I woke up till the moment I go to sleep. When I would wake up, I would find him there and when I go to sleep, he’ll be there.
My love for him multiplied over this week and I knew that if my dad were here he would’ve gave him his blessing.
I could tell that my mom was grateful that Landon was here because she was more of a mess than me and she couldn’t help me out now.
We were both a mess but we had people that were helping us; that we were sure of.
My bedroom door opened, stopping my thoughts, and Landon walked in with a glass of water and Kitkat in his hands. He gave me the chocolate and put the water on my bedside table.
We had just finished our homework and this had become a routine for us.
I opened the Kitkat and took the first finger. I then cut it in half, giving Landon half and keeping half for myself. We did the same for the next three fingers.
I didn’t know why we didn’t just take two fingers each but I liked it better like that.
When we finished the chocolate, Landon drank half of my water and gave me the other half. I drank it as he went to throw the wrapper.
When he returned, he sat back next to me on my bed. I took his hand in mine and he intertwined our fingers.
I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed.
“Thank you,” I said to him.
“You don’t have to thank me. You do know that I take the Kitkat from your kitchen, right?” He said and I chuckled. I liked how he still made me laugh even with everything that had happened.
“I’m not thanking you for the Kitkat, you ate half of it anyway,” I joked.
“Sharing is caring,” he said and I smiled. I kissed his cheek and nodded.
We were silent for a bit then I said, “Thank you for being here. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
He smiled. “And I don’t know what I would’ve done without you. I need you just as much as you need me.”
I liked that Landon actually admitted this. Another guy wouldn’t have done that but Landon was different from any other guy.
I hugged him tightly and he hugged me back.
Weeks passed after that and my mom was slowly getting better and so was I. She would now sleep in her room but sometimes she would come to my room in the middle of the night and I would just hug her as she cried then fell asleep.
I tried to be as strong as possible for her because I knew that it was hard for her as well. She lost the man she loved; the man who owned her heart. I tried comparing it to me losing Landon and just the thought of it made me want to cry.
He was my dad too and it was hard for me as well but I couldn’t be weak in front of my mom. She was in pain too so she needed someone to be strong.
Some days passed without me crying and I was only left with a pain in my chest.
I still went into his room, though. I still opened his closet and just stared at his clothes. I sat in the kitchen, just staring at the seat he once used to occupy.
The idea was sinking in and after a month and a half I finally understood that he was gone and he wasn’t coming back.
The realization was hard to cope with. I didn’t want to believe that I won’t be seeing him again but I had to because I couldn’t live in denial.
My dad’s death made me more mature and it affected my life.
Even if I didn’t notice it at first, I was making an effort with everyone. I was talking a minute longer to the people I wasn’t really friends with at school, I was filling all the silences with my best friends, I was studying for every test I had no matter how trivial it may be, and I was kissing Landon just a few seconds longer every time.
I was trying to get to know everything about every person I truly cared about. I was trying to live my life to the fullest because if a day came and I lost someone else like I lost my dad then I would regret not getting to know them more.
That’s what death does. It makes you think of all the times you didn’t do something for that person. When my dad died, I remembered the day when I was around fourteen and he had asked me if I wanted to go with him on Saturday so that he could show me the place he worked at but I said no, and another time when he asked me to stay up and watch with him Animal Planet but I said I was too tired and ended up texting my friends for hours after that.
I remembered every time I said no to spending time with my dad and I felt guilty for them all.
“I just wish I spent more time with him,” I told Landon one afternoon when we had just finished our Kitkat.
“Don’t feel guilty about it. If he hadn’t passed away you wouldn’t have even remembered those times. And you were close with your dad, I could tell,” he said to me.
He was right. My dad and I were close. Being his only child, I was a daddy’s girl. All kids would rather spend time with their mother but I was the opposite. I was always holding my dad’s hand as we crossed the streets, I always wanted him present when my mom and I went for shopping, and I always sat next to him on the table.
I think that was one thing that brought my parents closer over the years. I didn’t do anything with my mom alone so my dad had to spend more time with us and he watched me grow up and he watched his wife raise a child.
They worked together to provide all the best for me. They were good partners and amazing parents.
“And you? Don’t you feel guilty that you didn’t spend time with your dad?” I asked Landon as I played with the cover of my cell phone.
“I feel guilty because I cried at the store till he bought me a gift and I feel guilty because I made him pay for my school and my clothes. I feel guilty for every penny he spent on me. Maybe if he didn’t spend that much money on me then the numbers he wrote on those papers would’ve been enough.”
My heart clenched when I noticed that he was crying. I cried as well. I cried for him.
“Don’t blame yourself. You were just a child and all children do this and they don’t know anything about money. If you knew back then, I know that you wouldn’t have spent money on even food. I know you would’ve done your best to keep your dad by your side and at the same time have your little sister. I can see how much you love Hannah and I know that your dad would’ve been so proud of you.”
“Thank you,” he whispered as I hugged him. I could feel his tears soaking my shirt but I didn’t mind. He’s been holding me while I cried for six weeks, now it was my turn to be here for him. He was in pain as well.
“You’re amazing,” I murmured as I played with his hair.
“I’m not,” he denied.
I gave him an incredulous look. “Which guy would have done all that you did for me all those weeks?”
“What did I do?” He said. “I didn’t do anything.”
I smiled at that. “You were late to school every single day just because you insisted on walking me to school first, you left school early as well just to be in front of my classroom every day when I got out, you came home with me and didn’t leave me, you spent all your weekends with me from the moment I woke up till the moment I fell asleep, and you were there every time I cried. You put me first. You put me before your friends, you put me before your studies, and you even put me before your family. That’s what you did, Landon. That’s something I never thought anyone would do for me.”
“When you love someone, you don’t notice all the things you do for them. It’s like they become a part of you and you do those things because you want to not because you have to. I wanted to be here the moment you woke up in the morning and I wanted to be here the moment you fell asleep at night. I want to spend every minute I have with you. That’s how much I love you.”
I felt myself tear up after hearing his words. He’s so sweet. I can’t believe he’s mine.
“You’ll get bored of me sooner if you keep spending every minute with me,” I joked, giving him a smile.
“I will never get bored of you and I just hope you never get bored of me either. I don’t know what I would do without you,” he told me seriously, making my heart skip a beat.
“Don’t worry, Landon. I’ll never get bored of you either,” I said. “And by the way, you’ll be fine without me. You’re strong enough.”
He shook his head at that. “You think I’m so much stronger than I actually am.”
“And you think you’re so much weaker than you actually are,” I countered.
He smiled at me and pulled me even tighter against him.
“You know, you’re the only person other than my mom who knows what really happened to my dad,” he said suddenly and my heart clenched as it always did when he brought up his dad. I didn’t even know the man and I still felt like that when we talked about him so how does Landon feel after he watched his own dad kill himself?
“Thank you for telling me then,” I murmured. “It made my life seem somehow more possible to carry on with.”
“You’re the only person I would share this with,” he said. “It took me years of therapy to stop seeing that image of him shooting himself whenever I closed my eyes.”
I felt like throwing up just at the mere thought of it. I thought of what I would have done if I were in his place. I couldn’t even think about it.
“That’s what I meant by you are so strong. You were a kid back then and you were as strong as you are now,” I said.
“I was a mess,” he pointed out.
“But you made it,” I countered. “And that’s what matters.”
“I guess,” he said. “And you’re going to make it as well. I know that.”
“I think that with you by my side, it doesn’t seem so impossible anymore,” I said truthfully.
“Cheesy,” he joked and I slapped his shoulder while chuckling.
“I was trying to be sweet! You had to ruin it for me,” I joked.
“Yeah, because I’m the sweet one in the relationship,” he replied, smirking at me.
“That, you are,” I said and then I lifted my head slightly and he knew what I was doing so he bent down slightly till his lips met mine.
When he pulled away, he gave me a dazzling smile and I sighed contentedly as I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.
Even with all the pain I had felt after losing my father, I felt that it was going to get better from now on and I was right.
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Only the epilogue left :)
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