Kim busied herself with a copy of People magazine as she sat in the small break room, she'd been called up to help out in intelligence. Initially she was terrified, she'd run into Adam often the last few weeks but never did they share more than a pained look or a mumbled 'hey' the idea of working so close to him set her on edge.
His absence was hard to miss but she couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone, she had asked Kevin and he dodged the question entirely, Jay wasn't much better but he at least answered her.
He'd taken a personal day, it wasn't like Adam to take a day of work. The man loved his job and if he took a personal day something was up.
Erin finally appeared before her.
Kim closed the magazine. "Erin, what's up with Adam?" she leaned on the table, "Jay said he took a personal day...and 'personal day' isn't in Adam's vocabulary. I'm worried" she almost laughed at the irony, she'd spent the better part of the last six months trampling on the man's heart and now she claimed to be 'worried'.
Erin sighed as she leaned against the counter, "We've all been sworn to secrecy Kim" she folded her arms across her body, "he doesn't want anyone to know.." the dinging of the microwave interrupting her thoughts, carefully she pulled the small Tupperware container out and set it on the table, "if I was you...I'd call him. Soon"
With out another word Kim was left alone again.
The tone of Erin's voice unnerved her almost more than what she said.
Adam sat in the small room, his head in a million different places. He wasn't ready for any of this, he wasn't sure he could do what needed to be done.
This day was always a possibility, he just thought he'd have more time. They knew for a while now that when it reared its head again it would be catastrophic and it would end as quickly as it had come on.
Never did he think he'd have to do it alone.
Kevin told him to tell her, that he shouldn't take this burden on himself...that he needed help and that she'd probably be more than willing. It was bad enough he told his team but he knew he'd be missing work and they needed to know why. He knew his father would be pissed if he knew, as much as he needed Kim he couldn't do it.
It didn't matter anyway, he couldn't deal with that now, this was his only focus. He didn't have time for anything else, his father needed him and he wouldn't let him down.
His father was finally wheeled back into the room, it pained him to see his once strong and vibrant father reduced to a trembling shell of himself.
Adam hopped up and kneeled beside his father's wheelchair, tenderly bringing the cloth to his mouth to wipe the drool from his chin, "Hey pops, you ok?" he cursed himself, what a stupid fucking question. No. He wasn't okay, he was dying.
His father had been diagnosed with stage three brain cancer a massive tumor was discovered in his brain. It was shortly after he had proposed to Kim, his father had started slurring his speech and had awful headaches and he had started having bouts of vertigo.
Bob Ruzek was your typical 'Man's man', and he demanded that no one else be told of the diagnosis he wouldn't even let Adam tell Kim. He went as far as refusing to see her and he wouldn't meet anyone from her family.
It put Adam in one hell of a predicament, he wanted to honor his father's wishes but he also knew he needed to tell Kim. Finally he relented and agreed to his father's terms, he had no other choice, his father had sacrificed everything to make sure Adam had a decent childhood after his mother went MIA and he knew he owed it to his father.
Never did he think that it would cost him everything, but it was exactly what had happened.
"Ad.d..am" Bob stuttered his speech slowly leaving him, "go..home" he mumbled, his father was finally moved to a facility it pained Adam to do so but he was no longer capable of living on his own and Bob had refused Adam's offer to move in with him.
"Can't do that Pops, you need me" he tried to smile through it all, but he was devastated by the sudden turn for the worse his father had taken, he had gone through radiation and it had helped but within the past two months it became apparent that Bob was on borrowed time, "I thought maybe we could watch the game together"
"No" Bob growled, his face red with anger, "don't..want.....you!" He sputtered, spittle flying from his lips. Adam reached up to wipe his father's lips, the right side of his face had started dropping and it lead to drooling and a host of other issues all of which mortified Bob. He jerked his head back as best as he could, he didn't want Adam tending to him.
"Pop, come on" Adam begged softly, "let's get you back to your room and we can settle in for the game"
"Go!" Bob grumbled, "Doc...room. Myself" he looked away from Adam.
"You bet Bob" the doctor replied, he poked his head out of the door and called for an orderly to return Bob to his room.
Adam stood to follow him, "Adam, we need to talk" the doctor placed his hand on Adam's arm stopping him from following his father.
He took one last look as his father was rolled down the long corridor, "What?" Adam was drained physically and mentally, it wasn't enough to be dealing with missing Kim, but he was watching as the life drained out of his father. Bob had worked up until three months ago, very few knew how frail his health was and it was what Bob wanted. He didn't want their looks of pity and most of all he wanted to go out on his terms and not the Chicago Police Departments.
"It's time to prepare yourself" he said softly, "as you know your dad has a DNR order and based on his latest scans, he's playing with house money. I'd give him a few days to maybe a month or so"
Adam felt dejected, he fell into the chair. "Ok. Can I take him home?" He hated the idea of his father dying in such a sterile environment, and the very thought of him dying alone destroyed him.
The doctor felt horrible for the young man sitting across from him, "Adam, when your father arrived here..he made it very clear he would only leave here in a body bag" he watched as Adam flinched at his words, "I'm sorry son, but he made his wishes crystal clear. He doesn't want to burden you"
Adam dropped his head into his hands, "You're serious, right now? I've got to leave him here.."
"Yes, I'm afraid so" he replied, "Adam, I know this is hard, but you need to respect your dad's wishes."
Adam nodded wordlessly, he glanced at the doctor once more before he spun on his heels and left the facility.
He couldn't bare to go home to his empty apartment, he quickly sent a group text.
'Molly's in ten? In serious need of a fucking drink'
He knew Kevin would be game, usually Jay was too it just depended on what Erin was up too. She had initially been cold to him after Kim ended things but once she found out about his father she had changed.
It made him understand why his dad didn't want everyone to know, the look of pity on Erin's face was hard to stomach he couldn't image how bad it would be for his dad.
The replies came in quickly, it seemed everyone was up for a few drinks.
He arrived first and secured a booth in the bag and laid claim to a pool table, he needed to escape his thoughts and he knew drinks with friends and a few games of pool would do just that.
"Hey, Erin?" Jay called her into the small kitchen, Kim had come over for dinner and he wasn't sure how to cut out early.
"What is it?" Erin asked him.
He showed her his phone, "It's Adam, he invited us to Molly's...I'm gonna go..you coming with?"
She inhaled, "Ugh...what about Kim?"
Jay looked into the living room, "I think she should come. He had that appointment with the doctor" he explained, he knew Adam need Kim and that he wouldn't make the first move.
The blame could be evenly divided, sure Adam had extenuating circumstances for sure, but as much as he owed it to his dad, he also owed it to the woman who would be his wife. His reluctance to be upfront with Kim was what put the first cracks in their relationship and her reaction to it delivered the final blow.
Their relationship imploded from a lack of communication.
Erin grimaced, "I don't know...Adam is wound pretty tight..I'm not sure how'd he'd react. Plus, I may have told her to call him. She knows somethings up"
"Good!" Jay replied, "this shit has gone on long enough, he needs her. He's falling apart and by the sound of it..it's only gonna get worse"
Kevin found Adam hunched over in the booth, "Hey man" Kevin slid in opposite him, "how'd it go?"
Adam picked at the coaster, "He's fading fast...and I can't do a damn thing to help him. I wanna bring him home...but he's refusing. He set up a living well when he was first diagnosed and he wants to die in that fucking place" his voice cracking as he spoke.
"Shit man. I'm sorry" Kevin answered, "Anything I can do?" It was silly to ask but it just felt like the right thing to say.
Adam curled his lip, "Nope. It's just a waiting game now...I'm waiting for my Pops to die..." He lifted the beer to his lips, he'd only been there for about twenty minutes and it was already his third.
He had plans to drink himself into an oblivion.
He was well on his way.
Jay and Erin entered the bar hand in hand, Kim on their heels.
"I don't know if this is a good idea" Kim wasn't sure Adam would be pleased with her tagging along but they'd insisted and convinced her to join them.
After all Molly's wasn't small and if she felt even the slightest bit of discomfort she could put distance between her and Adam.
"It's fine Kim. You're bound to run into him here..anyway might as well get it over with..right?" Jay reasoned.
Adam felt his heart accelerate when he heard Kim's voice filter through the din of the bar, he turned to face her and she still held the power to take his breath away.
He kept his gaze on her as she greeted Kevin, she hugged his friend and lightly kissed his cheek never had he been so jealous of Kevin.
When she looked in his direction he turned his gaze to the floor and retreated to the table, he couldn't do it..he couldn't be so close to her and yet be so far at the same time.
"Is he alright?" Kim asked Kevin as he handed her a pool cue.
"No. He's anything but alright" Kevin replied, "he needs you...he won't admit it, but he does, I don't think he's ever needed anyone as much as he needs you right now" his eyes were serious but his words so fucking vague.
They angered Kim, she felt like everyone had been speaking in code lately and she was clueless, "What the fuck is going on? Between you and Erin I get these shit answers. Can't anyone just tell me what's going on?"
Kevin turned to face where Adam sat, he pointed his pool cue at him, "He's the one who needs to tell you...I wish I could Kim, but it's not my place. He's gotta be the one to tell you"
Her talk with Kevin did nothing to lessen her fears, she followed his every move and as the night progressed she could feel her courage building.
She knew what it was giving her the courage to approach him, and she found herself taking the empty bar stool next to him.
"Adam.." She spoke barely above a whisper and resisted the urge to touch him. She needed to tread lightly, he'd been drinking and while he wasn't completely wrecked she knew he was buzzed.
She briefly reconsidered attempting to talk to him, but she was afraid she'd lose her resolve, she was aided by a bit of her own liquid courage. The very thing that was giving her courage could be his downfall.
And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home.
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
He glanced up from his phone, "What?" He snapped, "I'm kinda busy" he barely looked at her.
"I just thought we could talk...we need to talk" Kim replied, trying to disguise the fact that his gruff response at stung.
Adam shook his head in disgust, "What your fuck buddy is gone..so now you hit me up?"
Kim inhaled sharply at his words, truthfully they didn't surprise her all that much, he had every right to be angry with her and he'd consumed quite a bit of alcohol. She didn't address his comment, "I'm worried about you....you took a personal day. You never do that"
He stood up, wobbling a bit as his feet hit the ground, "Go fuck yourself." He growled and staggered off.
Kim felt the first tear hit her cheek and she turned to watch him return to the table at the back of the bar, this had been a giant mistake.
She found Erin, "I'm leaving" she had pushed her tears aside, she wouldn't give him the satisfaction, "I should've listened to my gut"
Erin frowned, "I heard.." In fact Erin was sure the entire bar had heard Adam's outburst, he hadn't been very quiet, "I'm sorry...he's had a lot to drink. Kevin said he's been at it for hours. Just drive carefully, and text me when you get home"
Kim nodded sadly, "I appreciate you trying to help though. Please, help him though...from the sounds of it whatever he's dealing with its bad...don't let him push you guys away..he will if you let him"
It was hours later and the conversation Adam had with Kim haunted him, he hated that he'd been such a dick to her. It was just her timing was shitty, he'd just hung up with the one of his father's nurses to update him on one of the test results that hadn't yet returned and it was more bad news.
Now he sat up at three in the morning watching as the led numbers slowly changed on the iHome clock beside his bed. His buzz had worn off and it left him feeling like shit.
"Fuck it" he mumbled as he got dressed, he couldn't sleep not after knowing how he treated her.
He needed to fix it.
--NOTE--
Thank you for the kind words, I'm feeling much better about it after this chapter.
It's silly but the song has tremendous personal meaning to me and it feels as if I'm exposing a bit of my soul to the world so I'm a bit harder on myself with this one.
Thanks for reading!