Chapter 8
My eyes have been open for a few hours, but I don't feel awake, my eyes were glued closed for a long time thanks to the tears I shed last night, I don't want to feel this horrible, but I do, I don't want to cry a river, but I have. But Michael wouldn't want me to just lay here all day and feel sorry for him, or feel sorry for myself. He'd say 'Build a bridge and get over, squirt.'
Today, I'll say goodbye to my brother, my best friend, my everything, and say hello to a whole new world or torture, no belonging, and negativity. I will cry. It's already decided, not by me, but it's just a fact. It's going to happen, I feel so lost without him. I've never missed anyone like this before. I suppose I've never lost anyone like him before. I've never really had anyone except him to loose, now that he's gone I feel empty. It's just like he'd going to come back any moment. Come into my room and sit on the bed next to me, tenderly asking "What's wrong, squirt?" He always knew when to be serious and when to joke around. And even if he joked around and made me laugh I would feel better. He knew I hated the nickname "squirt", but he said as a term of affection when I was sad, not as an annoyance. So I learned to not get angry at him for saying it. But, now none of this matters. He's gone. As hard is it is for me to admit it to myself, it's the truth. All I have to do now is understand it....
I heard movement in the kitchen, pots and pans moving around. Taking this as a hint to get up, I told myself to move. But, my body was so tired and empty it did not follow orders.
"Get up Ariana, you need to get ready to say goodbye," I told myself. My body just lay there, my sore puffy eyes staring at the cracked white ceiling. Empty. I was empty.
"Get up," I ordered.
Nothing.
I tried a new tactic. Smaller steps.
"Put your arms under you to push yourself into a sitting position," I thought. No movement. My inner thoughts sighed.
Then, my arms seeming to move on their own accord slowly did as it was told. But the movement was like a robot, slow and stiff. Once I got into a sitting position, I sighed staring at my white door. My eyes still emotionless and empty.
"Now move your legs, so they are off your bed," I order myself.
Again the movement was like a robot, and my face felt passive. My wall was empty and I was facing my closet. My eyes just staring straight ahead, not moving them around like I normally would. They were just trained straight ahead.
"Now, stand up," I demand. I groan and don't move. This seemed the hardest of all stages. "Ariana!" I yell inside.
I shake my head, in so stiff movements I felt as though I needed oil for my joints. "Ariana, think of Michael," my inner thoughts reason with me.
What do think I'm doing? I argue with myself.
God, I'm weird.
"Would he want you to sit here all day and feel sorry for yourself? Would he want you to not say goodbye to him?" My thoughts reason with my persistent body.
I groan again, no, he wouldn't. He would want me to get up and say goodbye to him properly, like a good sister, that I should be.
I take a deep breathe and stand up. I'm a bit shaky on my feet at first, but then I get accustomed to standing. My eyes seem to brighten once I'm standing, I look around the room, my dark wooded closet, my messy bedside table, my bed behind me, my window. The curtain is down, but there is grey light peaking in through the side of the curtain, it wanted to be opened, to make my room light and not so dark and depressing.
I walk cautiously over to the window. I pull the strings to open it up and see Cameron's room across from mine. It seemed empty. I turned to my closet, seeing one of the doors was slightly ajar, black fabric was visible from where I'm standing. My face darkens. My dreaded dress. The one I'm going to where today. I turn further and walk to my door, open it and walk toward the bathroom.
I took a long shower and then came back into my room with a towel wrapped around me, I got my clothes ready and then got changed. My hair was wet on my back making me shiver. I use my towel and fold my hair up into so it was no longer on my back and going to wet my dress when I put it on.
I walk over to my closet and open the door, and pull the dress off the hanger and walk over to put it on my be so I should look at it. It wasn't like one of those old fashioned depressing dress, it was fairly good, but I just don't want to wear it, seeing as it will be the last thing I will wear to see Michael....go...
I study it, it's delicate and simple design, refusing to linger on any of my thoughts I step into the dress and pull it up to my waist, then I realise that I don't have anyone to zip up the back for me. I groan. I'll call mum in a minute.... Ugh I hate relying on her.
Suddenly I hear a knock, it sounded like it was coming from my window.
To say I was totally embarrassed, would be the understatement of the century.I ran to the wall near my closet not even checking who was knocking on my window. Then I slide along my wall with my back against it, like a ninja, until I got to my window. Scared of who might be there. I held my dress up against my chest so that part of me wasn't in view to whoever was there. Then, I blended over slightly and put my head out from behind the wall so I could see through my, luckily, closed window.
I saw no one.
I sighed.
Then there was another knock on glass, my eyes snapped up and saw Cameron knocking on his window with a smirk on his face. My cheeks flamed. I moved my head back again the wall.
A definite face-palm moment.
How could I forget to keep my curtain shut when I am changing?!
Sometimes I wonder why I'm such an idiot... Then I just blame mum and dad. That was really mean, but it's there fault they had me....
Another knock brought me out of my thoughts, I put my head out from behind the wall again, looking at Cameron expectantly, hoping my cheeks weren't still red.
He was standing in front of his window, still smirking, holding up his notepad, it said, "Hot look, but, I thought you weren't planning on showing me that much yet."
My eyes widened and cheeks felt like they were on fire. I pulled my dress up as high as possible at the front then bent down to pick up my notepad and pen. I kept it close at hand, if I want to talk to Cameron. Or if he says something annoying. Like now.
I quickly scribble, "YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LOOK," putting my hand out from behind the wall so he could read it. I was still hiding my embarrassment and flaming cheeks.
When I heard another knock I knew he had replied, so I put my head out from behind my wall to see.
"Well it's a hard not to when your practically stripping in front of my window!" He said smiling, his beautiful smile. I mentally slap myself, he is not beautiful. He basically just called you a stripper!
I got angry even though my cheeks we bright red, and turning crimson. "I was not! You were just peeving through my window!!"
"Was not! You just need to learn how to get dressed without me seeing!"
"What's a girl got to do to get some privacy around here?" I write in bold to express my anger. I had now moved in front of the window. Somehow using my elbow to keep my dress up.
"Ugh, I don't know? Maybe close her curtain?" He wrote, sarcasm printed across his face.
"Don't be a jerk!" I reply.
"I'm not."
"Yeah you are!"
"I'm being a smart arse."
"Same thing."
"Not really."
"Yeah."
"No."
"Yeh."
"Nah."
"Yep."
"Nope."
"YESSSSSSS!"
"NOOOOOOO!"
I just gave Cameron a look, then responded, "Cameron, why are you so annoying?"
"I'm not, your the annoying one!" He responded.
"Cameron!"
"Ariana!!"
"Cameron!!!"
"Ariana!!!!"
"Cam!"
"Ari!"
"Cammy!"
"Arianny!"
"Don't call me that!" I respond.
"Don't call me Cammy then!" I bit back.
"Fine," I huffed.
"Fine." He said shoving his nose in the air.
Cameron seemed to make me forget about everything when I am with him...I even forgot about my brothers funeral. And I realised I wasn't holding my dress up anymore...my whole stomach and chest was bare now. I looked up at Cameron with wide eyes. He was blended over and was laughing. I quickly tried to pull my dress up to cover my chest, but failed miserably.
"Ari, you look beautiful," he said holding up his notepad, trying to hide his smile behind his hand.
It was the first time he had ever called me Ari, it was the first time anyone had ever called me that. My only nickname was "Squirt" and that was from Michael. No one ever referred to me as anything more than Ariana, if even that. And despite my flaming cheeks I smiled widely back, giving up trying to hold my dress up.
"Thanks, Cam," I replied, scribbling down on my notepad. He smiled back.
"You finally called me Cam!" He responded.
"You noticed that...?" I replied.
"Yeah, you were the only one to call me Cameron," he said.
"Oh, did you mind?" I ask.
"No, I don't mind," he said grinning at me genuinely.
"That's good then," I grin back.
We smile for a minute or so and then he quickly scribbled something on his notepad and then showed it to me, he seemed to be holding in his laughter now. It's amazing that he has an ability to make me forget about everything...when I talk to him it's like a whole weight of an elephant has been lifted off my shoulders.
"Ari, as much as I like the view of you in your bra, I think you shoulda probably put the dress on properly now."
I glowed red again and the looked down at my body. I quickly and carefully pulled my dress over my shoulders and tried to zip it up as much as I could by myself.
"I gotta get ready now, see you there?" He wrote and then gave me a concerned yet encouraging smile. My face changed from happy to emotionless in a second and caused Cameron to give me a concerned face.
Ignoring his caring face, I scribbled back, "Ok, I'll see you later then."
Then I bent and put my notepad down, and when I stood up again Cameron wasn't in sight from my window. I felt bad for being so curt, but I just feel so.....horrible.
Then, there was a soft knock on my door and I turned around to face it, I walked over to it cautiously hoping it wasn't my father, but if it was he would've banged on the door so hard it might come off its hinges. So, it must be mum....
"Come in," I said.
The door opened slowly and my mother poked her head into the room, her eyes were red and puffed like mine from a night of crying, her lips were chapped and red. There was bags under her eyes, she had had a bad night, like me.
Yesterday, mum and I had invited the Winston's to attend Michaels funeral, even though they didn't know him, they were supportive enough to lend their shoulder to cry on. After we got home from the school, I spent the whole night trying to write a speech for today...it was the hardest thing I've ever written. I decided for a poem, which I wrote myself and just talking afterwards. But I haven't really planned what to say after the poem. It's too hard. So I have decided that I will do what feels right at the time.
"Ariana are you nearly ready? We have to get there early to talk to the priest," my mother said, her voice soft and slightly croaky.
"Yeah, I suppose, I don't know how to be ready for this, but, it's as ready as I can be," I said, defeatedly.
"I know honey," she replies softly.
I don't respond to that but then I feel the coldness on my back and remember its not zipped up yet, then I feel a wave of nervousness. If I ask mum then it will be the first thing she's done for me like this, since I was really young.
"Uh, mum?" I say nervously looking at my feet.
"Yeah?"
"Can you zip me up?" I said, wondering if its the right term.
She seems confused for a minute, then it seems to click. "Of course!" She responds, almost excitedly.
I turn around so my back is facing her, she just simply pulls the zip up all the way to the start of my neck. Then pats my neck affectionately, my whole body stiffens, I'm not used to her affection.
"Thanks," I murmur.
"That's alright honey, lets go," the last bit was a bit nervous and filled with sadness.
"Lets give him our goodbyes," I reply matter-of-factly.
***********
When we arrived outside the old local church the priest was waiting on the front steps, his smile seemed so out of place compared with the somber and sad looks on my families faces.
My father came with us in the small car, I sat behind mums seat, she was driving, I was trying to be as far away as the car would let me from my horrible, cruel father.
Anyway, we followed the priest inside the church and through rows of pews, I sat down in the front row, the church was empty. I didn't really want to look at the body in the back room. The funeral people would carry him in soon....I think I might just go to the bathroom when that happens....
I look down at my hands and the piece of paper that was being gripped tightly in my small fingers. I was holding the paper so tight that my fingers were white and your could see the bones in my knuckles.
I'm so scared. This is the scariest thing that has ever happened in my life. Never before have I had to say goodbye to the only person I love in the world. Forever.
For-bloody-ever.
Why did he have to die?
Why does my mother and I have to go through this pain?
I'm staring at my hands when the coffin was brought into the middle walkway in the church. I can't bring myself to look at it, I don't want to see his body either. I don't want to realise that he's actually gone. Because once I've looked at his cold, white body the realisation will hit me in the stomach with the force of a freight train.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn my head around to see who it is, when I do my eyes fall on the light brown coffin. It's covered in flowers and looks so lonely and peaceful. But what's inside is what concerns me, it's just to hard to believe my brothers dead body is in that shiny box. It's just not right. He's meant to be alive. My eyes prickle with tears, and when my eyes fall on the person behind me I just lean forward and hug their waste. My mothers arms hold me tightly and that comforts me. Then her body starts moving and I know she's crying and sobbing.
I realise she's going through the exact same pain as me, but why? She didn't give a stuff when he was alive...so why does she care that he's dead.
Then a image flashes infront of my closed eyelids of my mothers caring face when Michael had fallen over and cut his knee. I had brought him in to mum because I didn't know what to do with my crying older brother. (Keep in mind Michael is like seven and I'm about four.) My mothers face turned to worry as soon as she saw Michaels crying face, then took Michael in a hug and patted his back, then she picked and placed him on the small counter in the kitchen, whispering comforting things, her face still filled with worry. Then she cleaned his still bleeding wound and then place a band-aid and kissed it, she smiled and said "Magic! It's better now!" Michael suddenly stopped crying and laughed and wrapped his short arms around her neck.
She really always did care didn't she...oh god! I've been so horrible towards her for not caring when she had cared for Michael the whole time... But she didn't care for me.....I don't remember her looking at me like that....ever...
I pull away from her hug, she's giving me a weak smile and her face is streaked with tears and her eyes are red and puffy. I must look the same, I rub my hand over my face to get rid of the tears.
"We better greet the guests," she says solemnly.
I nod then stand and walk in the opposite direction to the coffin, going down the side of the church towards the back of the church where the entrance is, then walk out the large doors. The sun is shining brightly outside shining down on my sad face, well Michael would be happy because he always loved sunny days. They always made him smile.
A sob escapes my lips as I walk down the stairs at the front of the church, tears start running down my cheeks but I quickly wipe them away. I can't really see my way and where I'm going because my tears are blocking my vision. I just walk straight out and into the garden at the front, I see black forms of people all around me, at least people cared about Michael...
I suddenly bang into someone, I am so lost in thought that I didn't realise that there was a person in front me. Somehow through the blur of tears the person looks familiar, as my eyes focus, I can see a flash bronze hair and a tall, lean yet muscular build of boy.
It's Cam...
I wipe my eyes quickly realising I've been staring at him for like a minute. When my eyes are clear of tears I look up at him, his face is filled with concern and another emotion I can't put a name to, he reaches out with his hand and grabs mine. He gives me a comforting smile and I try to return it but fail miserably, it probably came out with me grimacing. A tear slips from my eye down my already sodden cheek, my eyes hurt already from crying and the funeral hasn't even started yet. Stop crying Ariana! I order myself. I take a deep breath and let out a shaky breath, then close my sore eyes and feel the sun warming my face.
"On the count of three your gonna open your eyes and there will be no tears them, Ariana, and don't crying until the funeral starts" I order myself internally.
"One." I take a deep breath in.
"Two." I exhale shakily.
"Three." I open my eyes and see Cam standing there looking down at me, his eyes search mine and seemingly didn't find what I just did weird. I give him a small smile, weakly I might add.
I realised that we haven't even spoken a word to each other yet, he squeezes my hand comfortingly. Then arms engulf me in a hug from behind, I'm so shocked I can't move, I squeeze Cam's hand tightly, scared of who It might be, but don't pull away because I didn't want to seem rude.
"Mum," Cam mouths to me, obviously seeing my confused face. I smile genuinely, Mrs Winston what would I do without you...?
I nod back at Cam and try to turn around in Mrs Winston's hold so I can hug her back. I failed miserably only making it halfway around and then wrap one arm around her. Then I pull Cam towards me with the one holding his hand so I can hug him aswell, I put my arm around his waist and hold him tightly. While my arm around Mrs Winston I sort of squashed and isn't working out but I hug her just as tightly back. I rest my head on her shoulder and we stand like that for....I don't know how long. But until Mrs Winston pulls away, her face is covered in tears and it takes all I have not to cry aswell. She smiles weakly at me and grabs onto my hand.
I'm still somehow holding onto Cameron's hand tightly, we walk around and welcome the guests, I see my father sitting on the stairs in a old moth eaten suit by himself. His face is empty and his eyes aren't red like the rest of us, he just sits there without a look at anyone else. I look away but it's too late Mrs Winston is looking at him aswell probably seeing my glare at him.
"Who's that?" She whispers in my ear.
I grit my teeth and look over at her, my eye in hurt from how tight they were, my mouth was contort in rage at my father, did he not care his son had just died?
"My father," I spit out angrily.
"Honey, is everything alright?" Mrs Winston questions, her hand now on my shoulder.
I stiffen, and give a terse nod.
"What did he do?" Cam asks.
"Nothing," I say honestly. I mean it though, he did nothing at all, he didn't help keep my family going and he didn't even care Michael is dead, mum just pulled him along for just politeness, but he doesn't give a shit. You can see it on his face.
"Then why...?" Cam reponds, but stops when he sees his mother walking over to my father with a amazed look on his face. I stare as well and I'm not even able to answer him.
What the hell is she doing? Doesn't she understand what she's doing? He's going to be rude to her and she's going to get hurt! I've got to stop her...
I begin to chase after her but I'm stopped by Cameron he's holding me back by the arm. I try and get out his hold, but he won't let me go. "Cam he's going to hurt her," I say desperately looking back over my shoulder at him.
"No he's not," Cam replies with a serious face. Then I realise Cam wouldn't let any harm come to his mother and he knows what his mother is capable of and trusts that she knows what she doing because otherwise Cam would be over there right now.
I turn my head away from him and I see Mrs Winston sitting next to my father on the steps, she talks to him moving her arms around as she spoke. My fathers face is stony but then I see something you don't expect to see from your father, a tear is flowing down is ragged face, just a single tear but that is enough to make me cry aswell. My father is actually crying. He actually has feelings.
What the hell did Mrs Winston say to make him cry?
These thoughts whizz around my thoughts like the keys with wings in Harry Potter.
I stop struggling and stand straight, I turn to see Cam who has a small smile on his face as he stares at his mother. He seems to understand me, my pain, my relationship with my father...though I haven't even told him anything about it....
"Your mum is amazing," I say in awe looking up at him, tears falling down my cheeks leaving trails behind.
"I know," he replies absentmindedly still looking at his mother.
"How did she do that? She made the man who has no feelings and doesn't care about the fact that his son is dead, cry.... I thought he hated us..." I mutter mainly to myself.
"She has her ways," he replies his eyes flickering to mine.
"She must," I reply.
"Ariana tell me about your brother," he says quickly, looking as if he had entered dangerous territory. I sigh, I might as well tell him, I mean he did come to a funeral of a person he doesn't even know.
"Well, he was my best friend, my only friend, he protected me from bullies, he made me believe that everything was ok even if my parents didn't love us. He was the reason I'm still here today and the reason I'm in so much pain right now. He made me who I am today and the reason my mum is crying now. He protected me from when my parents fought and made sure I didn't see anything that made me sad. We spent all our time together, he had other friends because he's so likeable, but he seemed to give everything up just to be with me... Now I wish I wasn't so much trouble for him so he could have a good life. But, not everything turns out the way we want it to...." I trail off, tears are forming in my eyes and I'm trying to let them fall.
Cameron just hugs me. That's his response. Not what I was expecting. I was expecting the usual, "I'm sorry." But, no, not Cameron. He's.....different.
"He sounds amazing, I wish I met him," he whispers into my hair.
Something wet trickles into my hair and I realise Cam is crying, I just hug him tighter.
"I miss him so much," I whisper, "I just don't seem to realise that he's actually gone, I still believe he'll turn up and smile and laugh and make joke to make me smile so I stop crying," my voice cracks.
His arms tighten around me.
"Ariana, he's gone," he whispers into my hair, his breath making my hair move. I sob into his chest. I knew he didn't mean to make me feel worse, just make me realise the reality of this situation. But it hurts so much that I feel numb.
**********************
The service has started and I'm sitting in the front row of pews in the church, I look down at my hands and tears fall silently down my cheeks. My mother sits next to me she's gripping my hand tightly and tears are falling down her cheeks and she seems to be trying to hold herself together. My father is sitting on the other side of her, his face is stony and void of emotion. But if you look closely you can see that his eyes are slightly wet and bloodshot.
This is probably the strangest part of today....my father actually does care about his son, even if it's only a little bit, he still does....
My grandma is sitting next to my father, she is crying quietly into her handkerchief which has pink flowers on it, and that's the extent of my relatives. My mum was a only child and my father has a older brother Ben, but he's a drunk like my father and doesn't care about his nephew enough to come to his funeral.
The rest of the church is filled with most of the town, as I said before Michael was very likeable. I see kids from school they look really sad, some are crying and hugging there friends and others are just solemn and serious, others have red puffy eyes and are trying not to cry as well.
The Winston's are sitting behind me and my family and their presence is comforting. They even brought Sam along surprisingly, Cameron's scary brother. He doesn't seem to be enjoying himself, looking bored. Anger shoot through my veins, coursing through me, how can he be bored when my brother is DEAD??!
Mrs Winston catches my eye and gives me a watery smile which comforts me, it's amazing how someone can cry so much at someone's funeral they didn't even know... That makes me return the smile with my own water filled smile.
The priest has been talking for a while now but I can't focus on his voice because I'm too busy crying and trying not make a noise, so I'm not interrupting him. In my scrunched up and that's not holding on to mums hand is my speech on a scrap piece of paper. I used so much paper that I ended up having to write it on a piece of scrap and used paper. It's so hard to write speech which is going to be the goodbye to your brother forever.
I feel a nudge in the side from my mother and look up at her with sore eyes, "speech," was the only word she could mutter before breaking down. I then realise that I have to do my speech. My stomach drops through my feet.
Oh. God. Shit. Crap.
I mutter curses in my head. I'm so scared and nervous that I'm going to do this wrong and muck it up and embarrass myself and the memory of Michael. I make it up to the microphone, I swallow but my throat is so blocked I can't actually even breathe. My breath catches in my throat and I try to swallow again and it wasn't much better than before but it did work even though throat still feel blocked. I look out at all the forlorn faces and try and take another deep breathe but it sounds shaky and nervous.
My eyes catch Cameron and he gives me an encouraging nod, I pull out the piece of paper and flatten it out on the stand. I take a shaky breath then breath out.
"Hi everyone, thank you for coming today, it would've meant the world to Michael that your all here, I know it would've. Umm, I wrote a poem about how- I- how it feels...h-here it is...
If death is so peaceful
Why does it leave a raging storm in its wake?
Loud, wild, violent, never ending
Leaving raggedness and helplessness behind.
We must try to fight it!
Move on.
But that is the hardest part.
But to get into the eye of the cyclone is peaceful.
But not for long.
Until the storm moves and your flown back into chaos and helplessness.
We must fight it, the storm of death together.
If we are united we are strong, but alone we are weak."
I pause and breathe slowly my eyes are filled with tears and I can't see what's infront of me, but I try to continue and say things that I haven't even written down.
"Michael, he was my everything. From my daily annoyance to my closest friend -- my only friend-- and him gone now is like I have nothing left. People may give me their sympathy, but in the long run that's just what it is, sympathy. I need support from people, someone I can lean against when I fell weak, raged and helpless. I'm not saying I don't want your sympathy and kindness, I do, really. It's just-- I'm scared once you all leave here today that will be the end of it. I won't see your faces ever again and so you won't pay your kindness to my family. Or to Michael. The reason you are here today. He deserves that, even if we don't. There must be a reason your here today, you must of liked him enough to come here, if you didn't then why are you here?" I pause to take another breath and wipe away the tears that are covering my face and blocking my vision. I look over at everyone's sad faces and feel guilty.
"One thing I've learned in life is that people need people. I realized that when I lost Michael... That is why we make friends, have family and live in a community. But, this....death, wouldn't of happened without people. So, what I'm saying is that, maybe, possibly, if we need people so much then, that means that we needed this to happen.... Meaning that we were all MEANT to suffer from this, that means that there MUST be a reason behind this horrible event. There must of been a reason that a "storm" was created. Since, there IS a reason for everything. That means there is a reason behind Michael's death and I won't stop until I find out why. Who ever did this, they are going to pay for putting us all through this suffering." I look around at all the sort of shocked faces and feel bad for making them feel worse than we already feel. I'm crying so hard right now that I'm having trouble breathing.
"I love Michael and I always will, he's the closest person I've ever had. I realise now that we all love someone, and that's what we are made to do, we are meant to love other people. And meet new people to love, so you are filled with its happiness. Without out love, life seems dull and that's why people strive for it, searching everywhere for its warm. That's why you are here today because on some level no matter how small or big it is you loved Michael, that's why you care he's not here anymore. It's taken me until now to realise that I need people, because I feel empty without people, I feel empty without Michael. And I just need to keep telling myself that he's gone now, because I keep convincing myself that he's going to come walking into our kitchen with a bright smile and a bag in hand saying he's back from his amazing holiday. But he's gone now." I say, starting to sob. Funnily enough I don't even care that I'm breaking down infront of basically the entire town.
I look over at the shiny light brown coffin and whisper, "goodbye Michael."
Then I basically fall to my knees crying into my hands. I can't even move, I sit there for a long time, until I feel someone arms wrapped around me, then another pair of arms and another and another. I push my head into the chest of the person infront of me, crying my heart out.
"Come on Ari," some one whispers softly in my ear, but I shake my head. I feel them sigh through the movement of their chest.
"Ari," he whispers again.
"I can't Cam," I say grabbing onto his jacket of his suit.
"Yes you can, you do anything," he whispers back.
Then he grabs both my hands in his and pulls me to my feet. I try to refuse but I can't, he's too strong. I feel arms around me, patting my back comfortingly.
I get walked slowly back to my seat and I sit there, my mother and Mrs Winston sitting on either side of me holding me comfortingly. I just the tears fall, not caring anymore about how sore my eyes are, just wanting to get rid of the pain.
The priest is now calming the audience and asking if anyone wants to make a speech, and before I know Cameron is up at the microphone looking down at me and the my family, his face contorted and nervous.
"What the heck is that boy doing?" Says suddenly interested Sam, and honestly I'd like to know that too.
"G'day everyone and as Ariana said before, thanks for coming today because it would've meant a lot to Michael you being here. He deserves that. " Cam pauses taking a deep breathe then continues.
"I didn't know Michael to well, or at all to be honest. But what Ari has told me and said to you earlier he was one incredible human being. He seems like a great person and it shows in the way he influenced and protected Ari. The way he was always there for her shows how big of a person he is -was. We have proof of that because look how amazing Ari has turned out. I figure that if Ari has turned out as amazing as she has then this kid -Michael must have been a hell of a guy."
I don't know what to do, he actually said that, he said I was amazing. I'm actually speechless. Cameron is the most genuinely amazing person ever to do what he just did. He made a speech at a funeral to a guy he doesn't even know, then he said the freak of the town was amazing.... Oh god this guy is too good to be true.
Ariana! Focus!
Cameron is smiling at me, his eyes are scared and nervous but he seems to be overcoming his fear and not even knowing it. Our eyes are connected for a couple minutes, I eventually end up smiling back, through my tears.
He stepped down from the microphone and took the seat my mother had just been in, now she was making a speech. I look over at Cam, I mouth "thanks", tears still streaming down my face.
In response he grabs my hand, and holds it tightly as we both look up to my mothers nervous figure.
"Good afternoon everyone," she stutters her voice breaking mid sentence. A tear escapes from her eye.
"Again thanks for coming everyone, we all really appreciate it," she stammers.
"I just want all of you to know how much I love my son, no matter if he's alive or -"a sob escapes her lips,"or dead."
She manages to get out.
"I'm so glad he was always there for Ariana even when I wasn't, and I'm glad he was there for all his friends aswell, I'm sure he was a loyal and trustworthy friend to all of you," she takes a deep breathe. "He loved you all, and cares for you all now, even though he's not here anymore. He still watches over us to see how we are and if we miss him, which I assume we all do. I will miss him everyday for the rest of my life, thank you," my mother finishes, she couldn't seem to go on any further, her sobs were getting worse and worse the more she went on.
She walked back down to our pew and sits next to Mrs Winston who gives her a hug, as my mother breaks down into her shoulder. My father puts his hand on her shoulder, a tear streaming down his face.
The priest asks for more speeches, another couple of people get up, most of them Michael's closest friends. They end up crying by the end of their speeches, they seem so sad that my heart hurts even more than it already does. Tears still stream down my face, it's amazing that I have any left really.
When the speeches are done, the coffin is meant to be taken out, my father, Cameron, and my brothers friends Peter and Elliot pick up the coffin and take it out of the church through the entrance. The tears fall more steadily now as I walk out after it, it's getting put into the hearse. It hits me now that this is goodbye, forever.
The sun is gone now, covered by a large cloud. I make it out onto the road, and stand behind the car, looking through the window at the coffin, I feel a presence by my side and I see my mother and Mrs Winston to my left staring at the coffin aswell.
Then my father is on my other side, his face stony, and sad. A lone tears is falling down his cheek again. It still surprises me even though I've seen this happen a couple times today.
Proof that my father has feelings.
The hearse starts forward slowly and we walk after it, my hands hold onto my mothers and hand. Suddenly a feeling of a large hand engulfs mine, it's rough from years of working hard at his trade. I look over at him, confused, but I don't let go of his hand no matter what because this won't happen again, soon or even ever. Dad.
We follow the hearse to the end of the road and the stop, I don't know who I am hugging but I'm hugging someone, crying my heart out again. A feeling of emptiness fills me. I just said goodbye to my brother forever... I won't ever see him again. That realisation hits me like a ton of bricks, I collapse on the ground. I cry until I run out of tears just lying there in the middle of the road, but someone is still hugging me, thankfully. Otherwise I would've probably have done something stupid...