Sarah felt an intense tingling sensation in her stomach and then her entire body felt as if it had turned into liquid. Bright lights of every color imaginable flashed and swirled all around her and she felt like she was accelerating rapidly. A distinct crackling noise enveloped the air around her and grew louder and louder as she went faster and faster. Just when it seemed as if the noise were so loud that her head would explode, everything suddenly slowed down and the noise vanished. She felt her body start to solidify and then the next thing she knew she was standing in the middle of a road made of bright green bricks.
There were two buildings on either side of her, both painted in very bright colors and characterized by bizarre architecture. Neither building was built in any sort of recognizable geometric shape, but rather had asymmetrical designs, with various nooks and crannies jutting out in odd directions. The building on the left had a flashing neon sign that read "Smelly Pete's Tavern," while the building on the right had a life-sized statue of a smiling lion standing on its hind legs, wearing a tuxedo, and holding a sign that read simply "Tourist Bureau." The exterior of this building seemed to be slowly shifting patterns.
She heard another loud crackle behind her. This was followed in quick succession by a crashing noise, the rustling of leaves, and a voice saying "Ouch." She turned around to see that Zeke had materialized on top of a tree about thirty feet down the road behind her.
"Are you all right?" she called out to him.
"I'm a little scraped and bruised but, all right. How about you?"
"I'm fine," she replied. "I landed gently right on my feet in the middle of the road."
"I wonder why we didn't just arrive at the exact same spot?" Zeke mused.
"Who knows?" Sarah said. "So how are you going to get down from there?"
"I'm not sure," he replied. His problem was abruptly solved when the branch he was clinging to suddenly gave out underneath him and he crashed to the ground. "Ouch," he groaned again.
Sarah pulled him to his feet and he dusted himself off. "You okay?"
"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled. He looked around confusedly. "I've seen some damn crazy things working for your uncle, but this has got to seriously take the cake. Where the hell are we?"
"I don't know," Sarah admitted. "It's kind of freaky. Maybe we should go to that tourist bureau there."
"Oh yeah," Zeke said, noticing the buildings for the first time. "Wait a minute, screw that. There's a tavern across the street. Well, I know where I'm going." He started to walk towards the tavern but Sarah stood in his way. "Out of the way, woman," Zeke said. "There's beer to be drunk."
"Hold on," she said. "We're in a strange land and we have to find Vance and my uncle. We don't know the first thing about this place. I think we should go to the tourist bureau."
"Now just a second," Zeke said. "If Vance arrived anywhere near this spot, which of those buildings do you think he would have gone in? Besides, taverns are great places to get information."
"Well, why don't we go to the tourist bureau first and then check out the tavern?" Sarah asked. "Unless you want to split up?"
Zeke suddenly realized that this was a great opportunity to spend some time with Sarah. Maybe it wasn't the most ideal of circumstances, but he'd take what he could get. "No, you're right. We're in a strange place. We'd better stick together. Close together. Just promise me we'll get to go to the tavern after the tourist bureau."
"I promise," Sarah smiled.
They walked up a small flight of stairs past the lion statue until they came to a large purple door. Sarah reached for the knob but the entire door evaporated into thin air before her hand came in contact with it.
The room beyond was spacious and had a checkerboard floor. There were many strange and exotic plants lining the walls as well as scenic photographs of mountains and waterfalls. At the far end of the room was a small desk. Behind it sat a short raccoon-like creature who wore spectacles and a loud Hawaiian shirt. It rocked back and forth in its chair and hummed a little tune to itself.
The creature looked up when they entered the room and with a wave of its arm beckoned them closer. "Hello, young lady, and welcome to Quartzwater City. Don't get many tourists these days. I see you've already managed to find yourself a local to show you around." It indicated Zeke.
"I'm not a local," Zeke replied.
"We're from out of town," Sarah explained.
"Both of you?" the raccoon creature pulled down his spectacles and stared intently at Zeke. "Well, I'll be flimflammed. You look just like a native, sir."
"I do?" Zeke asked.
"It's the shirt, of course. If you want to blend in with the locals you have to wear a Hawaiian shirt. The louder the better. Might I recommend that you wear a Hawaiian shirt yourself, my lady? There are certain factions around town who don't look kindly upon tourists."
"Sure, if you think it will help," Sarah replied.
"It just so happens that we sell Hawaiian shirts at a very modest price. Only two standard strands of dental floss."
"Dental floss?" Sarah's face scrunched up in confusion.
"Don't tell me you don't have any dental floss," the raccoon creature sighed.
"Uh, I have some dental floss," Zeke said remembering the small canister he had picked up in Dr. Octavius's lab. "What's a standard strand?"
"A standard strand is approximately two killijubs long." The raccoon creature noticed the looks of incomprehension on Zeke and Sarah's faces. "It's about the same length as your ring finger."
Zeke peeled off two strands of floss and handed them to the creature. "I'll be right back," he said and clamored into a back room. A few minutes later he returned with a hot pink Hawaiian shirt decorated with flamingos and large lavender orchids. "Here you are, my lady. I suggest you go ahead and put that on now. The more you can blend in with the locals the better off you'll be."
"Thanks for the tip," Sarah said as she pulled the shirt over her blouse and began to button it.
"You'll be wanting more dental floss than just that small dispenser," the creature volunteered. "Perhaps you have some other currency you could offer in exchange for more dental floss?"
"I have four dollars," Zeke said digging around in his pockets.
The raccoon creature had to suppress a laugh. "You want to offer me paper? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. Paper doesn't have any value. Only a complete idiot would accept that as a form of currency."
"Well, what will you accept then?" Sarah asked.
"Oh there's lots of currency I'd be willing to exchange for dental floss. Buttons, lollipops, paperclips, birth control pills..."
"How much floss can I get for four birth control pills?" Sarah asked.
"Oh birth control pills have a very favorable exchange rate indeed. I could give you sixty dispensers of dental floss for four birth control pills."
"Deal," Sarah said as she handed over the pills. "Here Zeke, you take thirty dispensers and I'll keep thirty dispensers." She turned back to the raccoon creature. "Now what else do we need to know about the city? Please tell us everything important and keep in mind we're completely unfamiliar with this place."
"Well, the first thing I would recommend is purchasing a copy of The Tourist's Guide to Quartzwater City. It contains a lot of valuable information."
"Uh, I think I have a copy of that already," Zeke stuttered as he held up the book he had found in the lab.
"Yes, yes, that's the book. The copy you have is perfectly viable although I might suggest investing in the recently released fifth edition. It has some updated information. We sell it at the unbelievably bargain price of five standard strands of floss."
"Well, I guess," Zeke scratched his chin and started to pull out a dispenser of floss.
"No thanks," Sarah interrupted him. "We'll stick to the book we have. We might need to save our dental floss for later, Zeke. Besides he said the version we have is completely viable."
"That's true," the raccoon creature chuckled. "You certainly don't need the new edition, but you can't blame a guy for trying to make a couple extra flosses can you?"
"So tell us more about the city," Sarah prodded.
"Well, Quartzwater City is a beautiful place with many wonderful things to do. It's quite a bit larger than it initially appears, as there are many hidden nooks and crannies to be explored. I believe you could spend the better part of a lifetime here and not discover everything there is to discover. There are lots of museums, parks, scenic beauty, and innovative architecture. And of course, there's also a thriving nightlife. You kids look like you enjoy a good party. If you're looking for cheap eats, I highly endorse Sweaty Jim's Dinery-O-Rama. Their skunk burgers are phenomenal. And they have coupons in most editions of the tourist guide. As far as lodging goes, there are numerous universe-class resorts here, although if you're looking for something more modestly priced, the Galloping Centipede Inn isn't too far from here. I also highly recommend every tourist takes a day or two to take a visit to the Butter Moss Gardens. Simply marvelous, that place is and the singing trees are in bloom right now."
"That all sounds interesting," Zeke murmured. "Anything else we should be on the lookout for?"
"Oh, yes, dear me, I nearly forgot. Although Quartzwater City is among the most beautiful places in existence, there are numerous dangers. Don't walk through areas of thick vegetation, as there are bloodsucking plants present in many of them. Stay out of the acid fountains unless you enjoy having your skin melted off. I also can't emphasize enough the importance of not standing out as tourists. First of all there are many thieves, hucksters, and charlatans who will attempt to take advantage of you if they know you're a tourist. In fact you should steer clear of the southeastern quadrant all together as it's a very rough and tumble area. Even most locals stay away from there. At least the upstanding ones do. It's nothing but a den of thieves and rascals and scallywags. But aside from that, another very important reason to blend in is that there is a growing anti-tourist movement in the city. A few outspoken groups are pushing to ban outsiders from the city all together. I know in particular Trevor Mastodon and his followers have been known to attack unwary tourists, so be careful. I've been threatened more than a few times just for running this bureau."
"Why are people against tourism?" Sarah asked. "Isn't it good for the local economy?"
"Of course it is, but some people feel threatened by outsiders. It's very complicated, but some misguided people believe that tourists are going to cause the destruction of this town. You know, prophecies and whatnot. But that's a long story. Anything else I can help you out with today?"
"Have you by chance seen anyone else come in here today? Specifically a tall muscular young man with a pony tail or a thin older gentleman?"
"Nope, haven't seen anyone like that," the raccoon creature replied. "It's been a little slow in here lately. I think the likes of Trevor Mastodon are starting to scare the tourists off. You're the first out-of-towners I've seen in a couple weeks. Should be an influx coming in though what with the upcoming Gravity Ball Championship."
"Well, thank you anyway," Sarah said wistfully.
"Do you want to go check out that tavern now?" Zeke asked her hopefully.
"Sure, let's go."
"Oh, one more thing," the raccoon creature spoke up. "Try not to wander outside city limits as there are some very dangerous areas surrounding the city. Particularly the Black Jungle is filled with some rather nasty beasts. It's also inhabited by savage bands of barbarians. They're not necessarily evil, but they are unpredictable and dangerous. They conduct raids on the city from time to time but if you keep more to the heart of the city you shouldn't have any problems with them."
"Thanks," Zeke said. "Now let's go get our drink on."
* * *
"So what do you make of this place?" Sarah asked as they walked down the steps of the tourist bureau and headed across the street towards the tavern.
"I don't know," Zeke replied. "We seem to be on some completely different world than our own. Somehow that doorway thing in your uncle's lab serves as an instant portal either to another planet or another dimension or... I don't really know what."
"I just had a scary thought," Sarah frowned. "Do you suppose that the doorway leads just to this world specifically or do you think it could lead randomly to a variety of different worlds? Maybe it's just a portal away from Earth and it could lead anywhere?"
Zeke scrunched his eyebrows. "Well, we both came to the same place. And your uncle owned a copy of the local tourist guide. The fact that I found dental floss by the doorway suggests that whoever went through it, probably your uncle, was familiar with the currency here as well. I'm guessing your uncle has been here before and that would seem to indicate that the doorway leads here only."
"Well, in that case where's Vance? Why wasn't he on the road with us when we got here? He only entered the door a couple minutes before us."
"First of all we don't know if time works the same way here as it does in our world. A couple minutes to us could be a couple hours here. For that matter, maybe there's a slight variation as to the precise location where you arrive in the city depending on the time you entered the doorway. Don't forget I was hot on your heels and I didn't arrive at the exact same location as you. Also I really think we need to check this tavern out. Aside from the fact that I could use a drink, I think that if Vance arrived anywhere near where we did, this is the most likely place he would go."
"You're probably right, Zeke. I'm glad you're here with me. You're really good at reasoning things out."
"Thanks," Zeke blushed, suddenly becoming very self-conscious of how articulate he had been around Sarah lately.
They reached the door to the tavern just as two large beasts in similar purple Hawaiian shirts came stumbling out with their arms around each other for support. One was vaguely human-like but the other looked like an elephant seal.
"That was the best brawl I've seen in weeks," one of them bellowed as he flailed his free arm around. "That tourist was a pretty mean scrapper." His arm smacked Zeke across the face as he swung it around again.
"Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, you big oafs?" Sarah stood up on her toes as she shot an angry look at the two creatures. Apparently they didn't hear her as they continued along down the road laughing loudly. "Are you all right?" she asked turning to Zeke who was clutching his face.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he winced. "Just a little dizzy is all."
"Those guys were talking about a fight involving some tourist," Sarah said thoughtfully. "You don't suppose that could have been Vance, do you?"
"All things being equal, I'd say the likelihood of that is actually pretty high. Let's go inside and see what's going on."
They entered a dimly lit but fairly spacious room. A thick haze of smoke hung in the air and there was a loud chatter emanating from the patrons. There was a decidedly circular motif to the décor as large circles of various colors covered the walls. Some circular shaped objects jutted outward in a three-dimensional fashion while others were deep indentations in the walls themselves. There were obvious signs that a struggle of some sort had recently taken place, as there were overturned tables and chairs everywhere as well as scattered shards of broken glass on the floor. Nonetheless things seemed to be returning to normal as creatures of various sorts were sitting at the bar, drinking beverages and engaging in loud conversations spiked with laughter. There was no sign of Vance anywhere.
In one corner of the bar two creatures that looked vaguely like walking fish covered in feathers were engaged in a game that appeared to be some sort of hybrid between table tennis and pool. Zeke watched mesmerized for a moment as the first creature used a paddle to hit a ball into another one in an apparent attempt to make it bounce over a net and into a hole on the other side. The other creature, in the meanwhile, was attempting to guard the holes by blocking with its paddle while simultaneously trying to knock balls into holes on the other side. It looked like a hell of a lot of fun.
He was snapped out of his trance when Sarah spoke up and wondered if they should ask someone what had happened with the brawl.
"Good idea," he said. "We could ask the bartender. They're always a good source of information. Of course he'd probably be a bit more helpful if we bought drinks. You want a beer?"
"Sure," she replied.
"All right. Wait here a second. I'll get the drinks and try to squeeze some info out of him."
He walked up to the bar and sat on a stool in between a lizard-like creature with large walrus teeth and a bright blue fox. Both wore garish Hawaiian shirts and were engaged in conversations with the creatures on the other side of them. The bartender was human in appearance although Zeke noticed he didn't seem to have a single hair on his head or face, including his eyebrows. He wore a gray shirt with a Hula Girl in a grass skirt pattern all over it.
Zeke caught the bartender's attention by flashing a couple strands of dental floss. "How can I help you, mate?"
"I'd like two beers," Zeke announced loudly. All of the conversation at the bar came to an abrupt stop as everyone turned to stare at him.
"What's the matter with you, buddy?" the bartender asked. "You a goddamned tourist or something? Sheez, we just had one of those in here a few minutes ago stirring up trouble. He didn't even have any floss, damn idiot."
"Uh, no, of course I'm not a tourist I just thought that beer would taste kind of good right now. That's all."
"Listen up, partner. We don't serve beer here. That's for sissies and weak little tourists." Everyone sitting at the bar burst into uproarious laughter at that and Zeke heard a few taunts called out at him.
"Hey, I'm not a sissy. Or a tourist." His eyes darted around. He had apparently made some sort of faux pas, but he didn't like being laughed at. "I'll tell you what, give me the strongest thing you've got."
This immediately caused another burst of laughter from the patrons at the bar. The bartender was also clearly amused. "You want to take on the widowmaker? I don't know, son. Quite frankly I don't think you're man enough."
"What the-?" Zeke was starting to get pissed off. "I'll have you know I'm a fully functioning borderline alcoholic. Whatever you've got, you bring it on, damn it."
"All right, one widowmaker coming right up." The bartender chuckled as he poured a shot glass of some sort of bubbling purple liquid with smoke wafting out of it. "That'll be two strands of floss."
Zeke peeled off the floss, grabbed the concoction and drank the whole glass in one swallow. He slammed the shot glass down on the bar and wiped his mouth with his arm. "There, that wasn't so-" He hadn't even completed the sentence when he suddenly felt like he'd been hit in the head with a jackhammer. The room began to spin so fast it became a blur and his hands began to shake violently. He gurgled a few incoherent vocal sounds before his eyes rolled backward and he fell off his stool, immediately passing out on the floor.
Sarah hadn't been standing close enough to hear what had actually been said but she gathered quickly enough that Zeke had somehow been pressured into drinking something dangerous. She stormed up to the bar and accosted the bartender. "Excuse me, what did you just give him?"
"Well, what do we have here?" The bartender looked at her lecherously. "You're an attractive slab of meat, aren't you?"
"You didn't answer my question. I said what did you just give him?"
"No need to worry your pretty little head," the bartender replied. "He just took a shot of the widowmaker. He'll be all right in a few minutes. He may have a nasty hangover but he'll survive."
"He'd better or I'm going to make things unpleasant for you."
"Hey now, we've got a feisty one on our hands. I like that. I'll tell you what, sugar dumpling. Why don't you ditch this clown and come hang out with me?"
Sarah narrowed her eyes in disgust for a moment but then a slightly devilish grin spread across her face. "All right, handsome. But first, would you tell me about that tourist that was involved in a fight here just a little while ago?"
"Oh that was just some blathering idiot who wandered in here without a Hawaiian shirt, no dental floss or anything. He was shouting at us demanding to know where he was. Then he had the nerve to ask me to give him a free drink so I told him to piss on himself. That's when he started getting violent, so a few of the boys took him down. Oh, he was a good scrapper, I'll give him that. It took four guys to overpower him. By that time the coppers had shown up and they hauled him off to jail."
"What did he look like?"
"Kind of like you. Must have been the same subspecies. He was a big dude. Pink skin. Yellow hair. Used a lot of swear words."
"That sounds like Vance, all right," she said to herself thoughtfully. "Where is the jail at?"
"There's some holding cells just a few blocks down the road. Right by Ned's Discotheque. Just make a left as you head out the front door and keep going straight. You can't miss it."
"Thank you," Sarah said.
"Now hold on a second, sweetie," the bartender got a particularly slimy look in his eyes. "Don't I get something in return for my help?"
"What do you have in mind, big guy?"
"How about a little kiss?" he said licking his lips lecherously.
"All right," Sarah purred seductively. "Close your eyes."
The bartender leaned forward and puckered his lips. Sarah started to lean towards him but then whipped her hand up, grabbed hold of his lower lip, and dug her fingernails into it as hard as she could. The bartender shrieked in pain and tried to grab her wrist. She deftly blocked his grasp with her other arm and continued to twist his lip around. That self-defense class she had been taking for the past three years was really paying off. Finally she let go and he stared at her with a mixture of anger and fear as he rubbed his lip.
"I'll tell you what, sweetie," Sarah said. "Why don't you and some of your boys help revive my friend here and then I believe we'll be on our way."
"You heard the lady," the bartender muttered to a group of creatures sitting at the bar. "Help that guy into a seat. Move it!"
* * *
Dr. Jonas Wentworth cackled loudly as he affixed a pair of bunny ears onto the head of the vaguely human-like body that lay on his operating table. "At last! The final piece of my monster is in place! They think they can ridicule me! Fools! They'll pay! All of them! Especially that no good Dr. Octavius from down the street! Thinks he's so much better than me. Won't reveal what he's working on. Oooh! The arrogance of that man is infuriating! But at last my monster is ready and I'll turn it loose upon him first!" Dr. Wentworth began laughing maniacally.
"Uh, excuse me, sir," a small nasally voice piped up.
Dr. Wentworth turned to notice his lab assistant, a short balding man in a white lab coat with a pronounced nervous tick. "What is it, Maurice? Can't you see I'm relishing my impending victory over that pathetic worm Octavius?"
"Uh, yes sir," Maurice replied. "But you told me to inform you when the storm was nearly overhead and it's nearly overhead now, sir."
"Ah, yes," Dr. Wentworth bellowed. "Bring me my goggles at once." He pulled on a pair of yellow rubber gloves while he waited for Maurice to fetch the goggles and watched as dark clouds formed over the skylight directly above the operating table.
"Here you are sir," Maurice handed him a pair of black goggles and then put on a smaller pair himself.
Dr. Wentworth walked over to a large lever attached to the wall and rested his hand upon it. He stared at the sky waiting for precisely the right moment and then pulled the lever. It crackled with electricity and then a large bolt of lightning blasted through the skylight and struck the inanimate monster that lay on the operating table.
"Arise, my monster, arise!" Dr. Wentworth shouted over the buzz of electrical current.
Slowly the lightning subsided and the monster began to stir. It was about eight feet tall and covered in mismatched fur from the various dead animals Dr. Wentworth had peeled off the street. It had six-inch claws in its fingers and wore loose fitting clothing that Dr. Wentworth had sewn for it. And it had two perky bunny ears on top of its head. Its eyelids gradually opened revealing deep yellow embers and as it moved its mouth there were large sharp fangs visible. It slowly rose from the table and stood on its feet.
"It's alive!" Dr. Wentworth shouted gleefully. "Nothing can stop us now! Behold, Maurice, the very face of terror, evil and destruction!"
The monster rubbed its eyes and smacked its lips a few times. Then it suddenly began gyrating its hips, waving its arms around and bobbing its head. In a cloying voice it began singing "She doop boop be doop. She doop boop be doop."
"What the?" Dr. Wentworth stuttered. "Maurice, what's going on here?"
"Uh, it appears to be singing some sort of show tune and dancing, sir."
"That's not very terrifying, evil, or destructive," Dr. Wentworth frowned. "Annoying maybe, but not particularly horrific. You there, monster. What are you doing? I demand an explanation immediately!"
The monster leaped forward theatrically, flung its arms into the air, and bellowed with a thick vibrato "I've just gotta siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!"
Dr. Wentworth smacked his forehead in disgust and wandered back to the drawing board.
* * *
Sarah and Zeke had little trouble finding the jail. The exterior was painted bright pink with numerous smiley faces dotting the wall. There was also a very conspicuous bright neon sign that was flashing the word "JAIL," although the letter "I" had burnt out.
They were about to enter when they heard a loud "Psst..." that seemed to originate from a barred window on the second story.
Zeke grasped his head as he looked upwards as he was still somewhat rattled from his experience with the widowmaker. "Who's that? Vance?"
"Hark! Sarah, my sweet, sweet Sarah. O how I have pined for thee lo these long dark hours."
Sarah and Zeke exchanged confused glances. "Who are you?" Sarah asked again.
"Tis I, thine own true love," the voice called back.
"Vance?" she asked with a doubtful look on her face.
"Aye. That moniker hath been bequeathed upon my poor wretched soul."
"That's not Vance," Zeke said firmly.
"Cease thy doubts, for thou art a fool and always hath ye been. Alas, yon varlets have wrought some foul magic upon my voice."
"What the hell are you saying?" Zeke crinkled his nose in confusion. "Why are you talking like that? I can't understand you."
"I spake not unto thee, for a horse's ass by any other name would still be thy superior. Sarah, sweet precious flower petal. I beseech thee, please arrange my liberty."
"Okay, Vance, I believe it's you," Sarah replied. "We'll get you out of there as soon as we can. Just hold on." She turned to Zeke who still appeared dumbfounded. "Well, I guess we'd better go in there and see what's going on."
Inside they discovered a fat dog-like creature wearing an official-looking badge on top of a green Hawaiian shirt. He was napping in a chair with his feet propped up on a desk and snoring loudly. He occasionally smacked his lips and scratched at the brown fur behind his long floppy ears.
"Excuse me," Sarah said.
The dog mumbled a bit but continued to sleep.
"Excuse me," Sarah repeated herself louder.
Still she got no response. Then she noticed a small whistle hanging around the dog's neck. She placed it to her lips and blew as hard as she could. Although it didn't appear to make any sound the startled dog suddenly leaped into the air and covered his ears. He quickly snatched the whistle out of Sarah's mouth.
"Don't do that!" he growled.
"Sorry," Sarah replied. "We were wondering if you could help us? Our friend got thrown in here due to a misunderstanding and we were hoping we could get him out."
"Who's your friend?" The dog eyed her suspiciously.
"Well, his name's Vance and-"
"Never heard of him," the dog interrupted.
"He kind of looks like us," she continued. "He's a tourist. He got into a fight at Stinky Pete's Tavern."
"Oh yeah, that guy. I remember him. Had a mouth on him. Well we went ahead and took care of that. Anyway, bail's set at two canisters of floss. No refunds."
Zeke stepped back into the shadows. He had no intention of contributing to Vance's release fund.
"Here you are," Sarah said as she handed him the floss. "Can you release him immediately?"
"Sure, sure. Hold on a second. Let me call my assistant. Cuthbert! Get in here!"
A small poodle ran into the room and stood at attention. "Yes sir?"
"Go release that big smelly ape in cell fifteen."
"Yes sir, right away." The poodle fumbled with a ring of keys and then ran out of the room.
"I just need you to sign a couple of forms acknowledging your receipt of the prisoner." He handed her a stack of papers and a pen.
"May I ask why he's talking so strangely?" Sarah asked as she began signing the forms. "Did you do something to him?"
"I didn't care for his language," the warden replied calmly. "He cursed more frequently than my ex-wife so I dosed him up with some language serum. Guaranteed to flower up your speech at least seventy-five percent. It'll wear off eventually, but it should last awhile. We also took the liberty of outfitting him with some proper attire. No point in him standing out as a tourist unnecessarily. We only had one shirt on hand that fit him. It's a little old, but it's better than what he was wearing."
Zeke couldn't stop himself from laughing out loud as Vance entered the room in handcuffs escorted by the poodle. The Hawaiian shirt he was wearing was hot pink and decorated with pictures of muscle-bound guys in tight underwear. On the back in large letters written in gold glitter was the phrase "It's raining men!" Zeke cursed the fact that he never had a camera ready when he needed one.
"Shutter thy countenance or I will stifle it for thee, once I have been liberated from these wretched shackles." Vance glared at him with murder in his eyes. "My voice may be beguiled by their foul sorcery, but verily my fisticuffs remain true."
"Sorry," Zeke replied, although he was still unable to keep the grin off his face.
After a few minutes Sarah finished signing the forms in triplicate and handed them over to the warden. He pulled out a pair of reading glasses and peered at the forms. His eyes darted back and forth and he mumbled softly to himself. "Well, everything appears to be in order. Cuthbert! Release the prisoner!"
"Uh, I'm afraid I can't do that, sir," the poodle said meekly.
"What?" the warden sputtered incredulously. "What do you mean you can't do that? That was a direct order, Cuthbert! Release the prisoner now!"
"Now, sir?" Cuthbert quivered.
"Is there some problem with now?"
"I'm afraid I can't get the key to the handcuffs now, sir."
The warden let out a long deep sigh. "And why not?"
"Well," Cuthbert looked around sheepishly. "I kind of ate it, sir."
The warden looked extremely un-amused. "Please explain how you could eat the key to the handcuffs. I'm sure this is a mesmerizing tale."
"Well, uh, I was kind of playing 'fetch' with the Border Collie that works down in the stock room. Now she's a sexy little bitch. Ruff ruff! I'd sure like to make hooky-wooky with-"
"Could you please get to the point, Cuthbert?" the warden interrupted.
"Sorry, sir," the poodle appeared properly chastised. "Anyway, there happened to be an open jar of peanut butter in there and, wouldn't you know it, the key fell right in it. I fished it out, but then it was all covered in peanut butter and, well, I just couldn't help myself. It looked scrumptious. So I ate it."
The warden threw his paws up in exasperation. "I can't believe the levels of incompetence I'm surrounded by!"
"Well, if it's any consolation it should pass through pretty soon, sir."
"That's true. I suppose we'll have to wait. Sorry for the inconvenience," he said addressing Sarah again.
Vance frowned impatiently. "A pox upon thee!"
"Ah, that's a crying shame," Zeke said under his breath.
Sarah caressed Vance's cheek pityingly. "Is there anything we can do for you while we're waiting, honey?"
Vance got a dumb look on his face as he attempted to think. "Perhaps thou couldst seek out a new wardrobe on my behalf. For lo, I detest these garish garments in which I am clad and I wish not to gallivant about in public so."
"I'm afraid garishness is kind of the style here. But maybe we can find something a bit more to your liking." She turned to the warden. "Are there any clothing shops around here?"
"How should I know? I never go shopping. My wife won't even let me go browsing at the fire hydrant fair." The warden folded his arms across his chest and began to sulk.
"Well, never mind then. We'll just have to find one ourselves. Are you going to be okay waiting here until we get back, honey?"
"Aye," Vance muttered. "I suppose I shall."
"All right," she said. "Well, we'll be back in awhile. Come on Zeke."
Zeke started to follow her out the door but couldn't resist turning around at the last minute to giggle at Vance once more. "See you later, Vance. Don't wait up for us." He chuckled heartily to himself and walked out the door.