There's something about having your heart broken that somehow makes you stronger.
You build yourself back up and you learn from it. You lie awake at night and process it over and over until you feel numb, and that's how it is for a long time. The numbness never really goes away, but at least it's better than the never-ending ache of being abandoned for the umpteenth time in your lifetime. At the very least, you learn to be stronger.
As surprising as it is, Alison doesn't lose hope. It's a train of thought she has to stifle most days for the first few weeks, but she pushes through like she did back when she was moved between foster homes - when she dropped out of high school without any hope of going further in her life, but found something to grasp onto anyway.
She doesn't lose hope, because she's worked too hard to have it all destroyed.
The days go by in a blur, like watching a movie in fast forward mode. Despite the constant drawbacks, Alison continues attending all of her classes. That includes Elements of Debate.
There's a new instructor in her debate class - a male this time. His name is Sydney and he's much more laid back than Emily ever was, not to mention less of a distraction now that Alison's eyes don't have to stray towards tight jeans or pencil skirts anymore. All in all, she ends up turning in her final paper on time. It's a feat Emily might've actually been proud of if she were still there.
She finds herself visiting the mansion more than once. More often than not, she walks by on her way to her Criminal Justice class, because the neighborhood cuts through the next bus stop and Alison can't help herself. She might as well be a masochist.
She drops by one Thursday evening for the last time.
It's soon after paying Ben a visit at the shop. She still has a few payments left to go on her car, more than she can technically afford through the summer if she plans on hanging around campus for her last four credits. But Alison's nothing if she's not stubborn.
"Hey, Ben," Alison greets the man as he's working. "How much do I owe you this week?"
Wiping his hands on a towel, he shrugs and motions to the yellow car, where it's sitting in the car lot in its usual spot.
"Nothing."
Alison's face screws up in confusion. "What?"
"It's been paid for," he explains. "Some lady called in yesterday morning, a Ms. Fields. Had the order number and everything."
"And you just... let her?" Alison's stomach lurches, her heart pounding furiously in her chest.
Ben shrugs again. "Hey, money's money. I assumed she was your aunt or something. Now do you want your car or not?"
Of course Alison wants the car, but at the expense of whatever trick Emily's trying to pull - well, she can't say she's happy about it.
If anything Alison's angry.
She drives to the mansion with her newly repaired bug, and instead of slipping in through the window like she's done many times before, she knocks on the door. She bangs on it until her knuckles are sore and the sun is down and she's left seething on the porch.
"Whatever it is you're playing, stop it," Alison grits out at the door. "If you think you can buy my forgiveness, then you have another thing coming. Just get the fuck out of my head."
She knows Emily isn't there, hasn't been for the three weeks she's been gone. But Alison wills the door to open anyway, hopes for it, in fact. Because she's sad and angry and she misses Emily too much to care that she also hates her.
She's just a ball of messed up emotions.
In the end she stomps back to her car, bitter tears stinging her eyes when she drives away.
It's the last time she ever sets eyes on the mansion again.
By mid May, Alison's getting ready for the ceremony.
She's never had a graduation before. She never had the chance to experience her high school graduation, and the closest she's ever had to a ceremony had been in the sixth grade before she moved on to Junior High.
But graduating from college is entirely different - and surreal - experience. It's like walking up to your next chapter in life, which is essentially what she's doing. Except there are thousands of other people experiencing it with you - moving forward and going about their lives like this is all just another happy memory to add to their scrapbook.
Alison could say this is one of her happiest moments, if those moments weren't already stolen by the many photos she has stored in her camera - by the memories she'd once shared with Emily and could safely say she doesn't regret.
The ceremony isn't a small affair by any means. Sitting in her graduation gown, black with the yellow cords hanging over her shoulders, Alison watches it all and reminiscences on the events that have led her here.
One of the speakers is a woman named Shauna. She approaches the podium with a trepidation not unlike the kind that filled all the others, but her words are firm and hit closer to home than Alison would have ever liked.
"It might not be difficult to think of all the ways you may have changed this place. Or the lives of everyone around you. Maybe you found a new club, or revitalized a new one. Maybe you made a comment in a class that sparked the mind of a student, or gave that one boy the courage to come out to his family. Maybe you did something so incredibly stupid, only to cross paths with the one person who changed your entire world soon afterward.
"This, my friends, is called the butterfly effect. It's a term we use to describe the small events in the present that change the course of our future. It's the butterfly you might have accidentally stepped on on your way to work, or the day you were five and you realized how big the world actually is. Because... well, life is impossible to predict. But it's those butterflies that have led you here. Right now. And it's those butterflies that will lead us through the many different crossroads for the rest of our lives."
It's Fitz who presents the diplomas when their names are called. Alison makes sure to send him a glare when she shakes his hand, mustering every bit of her self-control to not squeeze it into a death grip.
By the time the ceremony is over, Alison's left wandering the crowded stadium with nothing to show for but a fake diploma and zero family. If you don't count Spencer.
"Ali!" Spencer greets her from the crowd, pulling her into a tight hug. "Where the hell have you been? Han's been looking everywhere for you."
"What? Is she moving out already?"
Spencer rolls her eyes. "If that's the case, then you can move in with me. Now come on, we're celebrating tonight."
Spencer tugs on her hand, but Alison's attention is drawn somewhere else, to the familiar dark hair and sway of long legs and fancy heels heading towards the exit. Alison feels her heart soar straight to her throat and she disentangles her fingers from Spencer's.
It'd be a real shame not to have my girlfriend at my own ceremony.
Then you're in luck. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
"I - I'll be right back," Alison mutters before launching herself through the masses. She faintly hears Spencer calling out for her.
"Where are you going now?"
Alison doesn't turn around. Her heart is racing as she pushes past the throngs of people blocking the stairwells, her eyes darting back and forth between random groups before spotting the familiar figure exiting the stadium.
Alison's breath hitches. "Emily!"
She doesn't think. She sprints to the next landing and heads to the exit, guided only by the rush of adrenaline racing through her veins. By the time she's stepped out into the night air, she's breathing heavily, her gaze wandering aimlessly around the parking lot until it finally dawns on her that there's no one there.
Emily isn't there.
The choked sob that lurches from her mouth is so familiar to her now. But she stifles it anyway, letting the deeply rooted sorrow swallow her whole. Around her, the sounds of laughter and cheerful shouts echo at a muted distance.
And Alison?
Alison's alone.
As the months pass and the days wane into Autumn, Alison finds that she doesn't mind the loneliness all that much. It's actually better this way.
She spends her summer on campus finishing up her final class as an undergraduate. Hanna had moved out just as Alison predicted, having found a job somewhere in South Carolina and had taken Caleb with her. It never fails to amaze Alison how quickly you can drop everything, your whole life if someone important to you simply asked you to.
Spencer moves in with her for the next two months. She has an internship down in an office while she's completing several summer courses. Unlike Alison, she won't be finishing her degree until the following year. But it's a living situation that works just fine, even if it's only temporary.
She never hears back from Emily.
In a way she's glad. It's hard enough trying to move on when the woman is on her mind more often than not, but time does seem to make a difference. By July Alison can go an entire day without slipping and thinking of her.
The numbness doesn't go away, though.
When Alison does receive her diploma, it's with the horrifying realization that she doesn't know what to do with her life anymore. While she had plans for the future and a dream that wasn't too far off from the realms of what would be considered unrealistic, her primary goal had been to graduate. Now she has a diploma to show for it, and no real notion of the pathways ahead of her. Because there are so many crossroads and so many butterflies and Alison's never been so afraid of the future as she is now.
It's on one night, as she's toasting to her failure with an entire bottle of wine, that Spencer comes in through her door and says, "Ali, you got a visitor."
Spencer then silently mouths something along the lines of he's hot and somehow manages to communicate the question to hook her up before Noel walks in behind her. His eyes stray to Spencer's backside longer than would be considered appropriate.
Alison rolls her eyes. Leave it to Spencer to get laid sooner than she does.
"Pack up, Dilaurentis," Noel says and tosses an empty duffel bag at her. "We're getting out of this dump."
Catching the bag, Alison stares at the thing in confusion. "Excuse me? And where the hell are we going?"
"Why, the city of lights, of course."
"Paris?"
"No, you fucking imbecile," Noel sighs and actually has the audacity scoff at her. "The one with the apple."
And that's how Alison moves to New York.
To be fair, she doesn't decide right away. She tosses back another mouthful of wine before Alison snatches it from her grip and hands her a flask instead.
"If you're going to live in the city, love, then you may as well drink like a city girl," he advises her.
God, Alison's really starting to hate tequila.
She packs her bag later that night, deciding then that she can always come back to grab the rest of her things. But the four hour ride through the states is brutal enough without having to do it twice over.
New York, on the other hand, isn't anything like Alison expected. It's dirty and crowded and the people are kind of assholes, but it's also the most beautiful city she's ever seen. And the spark of hope she'd momentarily lost rekindles itself the second she steps out into the warm, late Summer air. The passenger door to her bug slams shut behind her, and she's staring out at the large brick building in front of her as Noel circles around to grab their bags.
"My brother, Eric, is letting us stay in his loft as he tours across Europe for the next several months," he explains and moves to stand beside her. "I figured you would like a place to stay while you get your life together."
"That's..." Alison blinks through the sheen of tears in her tears before clearing her throat. "That's actually very kind of you. Thank you, Noel."
"My pleasure, love." He smiles and wiggles his eyebrows. "Now we still have a few hours before sunrise. What would you like to do? Shall we toast to a new life? Gather some ladies on the way?"
Alison's gaze trails from the building to the street ahead, to the life she's about to start as she realizes that she doesn't want to drink her sorrow away anymore. She doesn't want to pick up girls either, as that thought is even less appealing than the first.
"I wanna get a job."
She applies to the police academy the next day.
It's a long and annoying process filled with misogynists and the overwhelming notion that maybe she doesn't want to be a police officer after all. But she's dreamed of working in law enforcement for as long as she could remember. And maybe that doesn't have to entail becoming an officer.
She has to start somewhere.
So she begins the physical training sessions as soon as possible. Noel manages to get a temporary job working the night shifts at a local bar, so Alison hardly sees him nowadays when she's working fifty hours a week. At least between the two of them they're making enough to survive off cheap meal plans and other necessities, even if she's being charged up the ass in taxes.
October approaches, and with it marks the fifth month since she's last seen Emily, aside from her dreams. It gets a little easier every day. She doesn't think about her nearly as much - mostly because she just doesn't have the time to anymore - but at night, Alison has all the time in the world.
She wonders about the what ifs. If Emily hadn't broken up with her, would Alison still have made it to New York? Would they still be together, living in a cramped little apartment and waking up every morning with Regina nestled in her arms?
Or would they be living the small town life? In a town like Rosewood where everything is quiet and peaceful and the perfect opportunity to play family. Get married. Have children.
Alison thinks about it so often that even her subconscious runs out of possibilities. And eventually the long nights of wondering turn into the occasional wishful thinking. But like all things, it doesn't last.
Alison stops thinking about it altogether.
She walks into a pharmacy one day with her Nikon in hand. It's sort of a spur of the moment decision when she finally decides to get the photos developed. It's the only way she feels like she'll get any closure, whether it's to develop the photos and burn them afterward or-
She doesn't know.
But when she's returning later in the afternoon to pick them up, there's a new employee behind the counter. She has blonde hair and she's stupidly pretty, and she smiles warmly at Alison when she approaches.
"Name please?"
"Dilaurentis. Alison Dilaurentis."
"Ah," the girl says knowingly and moves to grab an envelope from the back counter. "You're the one with all the photos of that woman. She's beautiful."
Alison arches her brow in response.
"Sorry," the woman says in a sheepish tone. "I have full access to the photo room when the pictures are finished developing. Yours just happened to be the top pile."
"Oh."
"My name is Cece, by the way," she introduces herself, and gestures to the pile in question as she rings up the total. "Girlfriend?"
"Ex," Alison responds coarsely and shakes her head. "She's my ex," she says in more of a friendly tone. "You know, I thought this would help me move on. But I'm starting to think it was a shit awful idea."
"Everyone has different ways of getting over an ex." Cece shrugs. "My last boyfriend chose his job over me. I ended up going back to school just so I can prove I can do better than him. Petty, huh?"
"More like genius," Alison replies and returns the smile Cece sends her.
"Maybe all you need is a distraction," Cece offers. "How about we get some drinks one of these days? My treat."
The way she says it, with the flirtatious smile and angle she's positioned in over the counter, leaves no doubt in Alison's mind that she's being asked out. It's the first time she's considered dating again after Emily, and to be honest the idea might be more than a little tempting. Cece is gorgeous, and probably the key to a fresh start if Alison's ever going to work on getting one.
But she also reminds Alison of Emily. And at the end of the day, no matter how many women she comes across, and no matter how pretty they are, none of them will ever compare to Emily.
Alison's not ready to move on.
"I'm sorry," Alison sincerely says after she waits a beat too long to answer. "I - I'm -"
"No, I get it. It's alright," Cece assures her. "Maybe some other time, yeah? You look like you could use a friend. Plus I'm a good listener."
Alison's lips curl into a grateful smile and she nods, before her mind sparks with the potential idea that she can't quite escape and she adds -
"Hey, how do you feel about leather?"
Hooking Cece up with Noel is probably the weirdest, most ridiculous idea Alison's ever come up with.
But it works.
Cece takes to him instantly, the two bonding over shared stories of rock bands and literature before Alison officially declares their engagement in the next few months. She even makes a bet about it when she's on the phone with Spencer one night as they catch up on each other's lives.
"You know, I met someone, too," Spencer informs her, not so subtly hiding the grin that Alison can practically hear over the phone.
"Oh yeah? Who's the lucky guy?"
"No guy this time," Spencer smugly declares. "But I guess you could say Aria's pretty lucky."
Alison's eyeballs nearly pop out of their sockets. "Aria? You're dating Aria? Since when? Wait, since when do you date girls?"
"Since I realized girls are hot and Aria made herself available," Spencer points out. "Get this, though. She's been dating the Dean this whole time."
"Fitz?"
"I know, right? She dumped the bastard after finding out about some weird conspiracy theory he had going. Something about stealing money from school funds and making everyone's lives miserable. He's resigning at the end of the semester."
It might be a bit petty, but Alison just laughs. She laughs until her sides hurt and she's clutching the phone tightly in her right hand, listening to Spencer's questioning remarks on the other line. She laughs until she has to hang up and Alison's left staring out the window, wondering not for the first time if there are different kinds of happiness. And if this is one of them.
That night Alison goes through the photos one last time. She had deleted the ones from her camera as a last resort. Now as she stands gazing at the assortment of memories, somehow she feels lighter. It doesn't hurt as much anymore.
She picks up one of the photos of Emily at the beach - it's one of Alison's favorites. The sun had been starting to set, the light angled perfectly over the warm smile stretched across her face. She looks radiant.
Taking a deep breath, Alison clutches the photo against her chest and levels her gaze on the ones on the bed. She figures it wouldn't hurt to keep one just for old time's sake, and soon enough she has the rest gathered in her hand. She doesn't turn to look when she dumps them all into the trash.
Step one of Operation Getting Over Emily. Complete.
So yeah. Alison should've known life couldn't be that straightforward.
It seems she has a habit of scraping up a little bit of happiness before everything goes to shit.
It's the middle of November when there's a knock on the door, light and hesitant and it stops Alison dead in her tracks. Noel had gone out for a double shift at the bar and wouldn't be back for at least another seven hours, and Cece never knocks nowadays. She simply barges in like she owns the place which, considering how close the three of them had gotten over the last month and a half, isn't too far off.
Aside from her fellow trainees at the academy, she doesn't know anyone else in the city that could warrant a visit. Shrugging, Alison wipes her hands on a washcloth - she's actually learning to cook for once - and heads for the door.
She doesn't expect to feel her heart drop so quickly to her feet, she literally has to hold onto the frame from the sudden dizzy spell. She'd never expected to see Emily's face again after that shattering day nearly six months ago. It had only ever been in her thoughts and dreams, but the shock of seeing Emily at her door renders her lungs useless and she's left staring gobsmacked at the woman she kind of wants to throttle and kiss at the same time, the former being more likely.
She looks different now, though. Her hair is a little shorter, still brushing past her shoulders and she looks softer. As though the months away from campus had granted her the gentler edges Alison only ever saw when they were alone.
"Alison," Emily breathes out finally, and it's so tender and loving and she's looking at Alison like she can't believe her own eyes.
And Alison can't do this. The sight of it tugs harshly at Alison's heartstrings and she grips the doorframe until her knuckles turn white.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Alison growls.
Realization flickers across Emily's face, and her face drops before settling into a look of steely determination. She stops the door from closing in her face as Alison gets ready to slam it shut.
"Alison, wait," Emily pleads. "I just want to talk."
"Talk?" At this, Alison lets out a bitter laugh. "Now you want to talk? It's a little too late for that, don't you think?"
"No, I don't," Emily admits honestly, and she's staring at Alison again with those gentle fucking eyes. Alison loosens her grip on the door without realizing it.
"Just five minutes. Please. I didn't just come here to apologize," she continues.
"If you think anything you have to say is going to make me forgive you, then you're out of your mind," Alison grits out, but steps aside nonetheless, leaving the door open in invitation as she heads back to the kitchen. "Leave your shoes by the door. Noel's really picky about that."
"Noel," she hears Emily echo somewhere from the kitchen entrance. "So... I see you and Mr. Kahn have made a comfortable life here."
There's distaste in her voice, plain and clear as much as the jealousy is. Alison whirls around before she knows what she's doing and stalks towards her.
"Don't," Alison warns, eyes ablaze as she closes some of the distance between them. "You don't get the right to be jealous. You dumped me, remember? Or were you so caught up in your new life and mommy dearest that you forgot about that, too?"
There's a flash of hurt that crosses Emily's face, and Alison feels the guilt churn in her stomach for a moment before Emily sighs.
"You're right," she says softly. "I have no right. I'm sorry."
That momentarily appeases the anger thrumming in Alison's veins. "He's just a friend," she informs Emily. "Nothing romantic whatsoever. In fact I'm pretty sure he's planning his own wedding soon enough."
The relief that shines over dark eyes is less than subtle. It causes Alison's throat to close up and she's forced to take a step back before her emotions get in the way again. But it's pretty obvious that Emily still has feelings for her, however small they might be.
The question is does Alison care?
"You said you wanted to talk," Alison says tersely. "So talk. You've got three minutes now."
Emily's breath stutters and she wrings her hands nervously. It's the first time Alison's seen her this nervous before, this human - it's a version of Emily that Alison enjoys more than she'd like to admit.
"Alison," Emily begins tentatively. "I'm so sorry."
"Well, will you look at that. Three minutes is up. You should go."
"Wait, please. Let me explain," Emily hastily says. "I know I don't deserve your time, nonetheless your forgiveness. But I've been keeping this in for six months longer than I should have and it's killing me."
That puts Alison's next words to a grinding halt. Not once has she ever seen Emily shed any tears, but it's like she's in some sort of twilight zone, where the Emily she met almost a year ago was replaced by some stranger - a different version who's much more willing to try.
And just like that, the bitterness leaves Alison's body and she motions for Emily to continue.
"You were right," Emily says again. "I should have been more open with you when I had the chance. As soon as I realized Fitz had something over me, specifically you, I... I was scared. Terrified. I was scared he'd come after you instead of me. I was scared my mother would come to find out and lure you under her thumb. I was scared and the only way I thought I could protect you was to push you away."
Alison listens with a stony face, but inwardly all the emotions she's managed to stuff in the back corner return in full force. Her fingers itch to reach out and wipe the tears from Emily's eyes, and her heart -
Her heart feels like it's about to explode.
"What I didn't realize was that Fitz had already told my mother. He was simply biding his time," Emily goes on. "They made a deal. He was to expel you from the school, destroy any chance you would have to continue your education at a decent university, in exchange for the large sum of money my mother offered him. I managed to stop him in time to offer my mother a different proposal. Instead of expelling you, she could have me instead."
"Emily, what -"
Emily holds up a hand. "Let me finish," she says. "I took the course of action I thought was best at the time. While I don't regret it, what I do regret is the way I ended our relationship. I should have told you in the first place and let you decide for yourself, but then I realized... there was always the chance that you would choose me over your education."
"That's still not up to you to decide," Alison points out. "A relationship works both ways, Emily. We could've figured something out together."
"I realize that," Emily says somberly. "Which is why I'm here now. My mother has been trying to retain control of me my entire life. But you were absolutely right. I'm not her puppet. In the months I've been gone I managed to hire a lawyer to look into the will my father left before he died. As I suspected, she had it changed so that the names could easily be misinterpreted. Now she's bankrupt and I own ninety percent of my father's life earnings."
Alison's breath snags in her throat when Emily's eyes never waver from hers.
In a voice so soft and sincere, Emily says, "And no matter how many days passed, not a single one went by where I didn't think of you."
This time Alison doesn't bother to hold in her own tears. She crosses her arms over herself with the fury of emotions tangling up in her chest - all ranging from relief, anger, happiness and love.
"I think," Emily pauses and takes a step forward, wordlessly displaying what she's about to say before she even says it. "I love you, Alison."
Alison chokes out a watery laugh. "You think?"
"I know," Emily says more firmly, mimicking Alison's shaky smile. "I know I've always loved you, even when I led you to believe otherwise. I know that I want to be with you, whether it's in this godawful city or in a small town by the sea, which, for whatever reason, you've taken a liking to."
"Now who's being the cheesy romantic?" Alison laughs.
"Cheesy?" Emily's asks, and her brow furrows as though she's actually offended by the word.
Alison ignores it and smiles somewhat shyly at her. Her heart is in so many different places right now, making any decisions is the very last thing she should be doing.
"I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive you yet," Alison tells her honestly.
"I understand."
"But I want to try," she adds, scrunching her brow in thought before she holds out her hand. "But I want us to start over first."
Emily stares at Alison's hand in question, her eyes reflecting the confusion in the silent motion when Alison answers.
"My name is Alison Dilaurentis."
Understanding dawns on Emily then, and she sets her face into a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. Clasping Alison's hand in hers, she brushes her thumb over the patch of skin over Alison's inner wrist and says -
"Emily Fields."
Alison's breath catches at the feel of Emily's skin against hers. It sets alight all the various feelings she's stifled these past six months, and the temptation to follow through with them is too strong to ignore any longer.
"Fuck it," Alison mutters.
Alison tugs on her hand and pulls Emily's face in to kiss her, long and hard and seeping with all the pent up passion and adoration she had lost track of. Emily smiles against her lips, gently nips at Alison's lower lip before she's kissing Alison back just as desperately. Her fingers tangle in Alison's hair, and before long they're both backed up against the kitchen counter, with Alison's backside digging into the edge and Emily's palms cupping her face. Pulling her in for a long and tender kiss.
"I've missed you," Emily whispers and gently bumps her nose over Alison's. They continue to stand in silence for several seconds, breathing in each other's presence.
The moment is broken when Alison releases a short laugh. Emily leans back slightly to glance at her.
"What's so funny?"
Emily simply grins. "You give me butterflies."
"You're losing me, Dilaurentis. And you say I'm the cheesy one."
"It's a speech someone made at my graduation," Alison explains, humming softly as Emily dips her head low to brush her lips against her neck. "Everyone has these... butterflies that impact the future in the long run. I can't help but think where we would be if I hadn't totally burned you that first day in your office."
"Hmm," Emily hums, and continues to run her lips over the expanse of the blonde's throat. Alison shivers. "You would probably still be a pain in my ass. Eventually you'd make some smart comment and we'd be right back where we started."
"You think so?"
Emily leans back, offers her a smile so loving and warm that Alison thinks she might just cry again.
"I do."
This time when Emily kisses her, Alison doesn't think about the future with a heavy heart anymore. She thinks about the past and the turning points that have led her to the present, right here in this very moment. She thinks about the winding crossroads and all the butterflies that will come with them, of blindly living the rest of her life through a pathway of unpredictability that comes in the form of a butterfly effect.
Alison can say she's finally happy.