"Tide life, tide death;
I come without delay."
- Thisbe, A Midsummer's Night Dream, Act 5 Scene 1
He received the email five months ago, and he only replied back... a week before. Caius Arragon, now eighteen and was expected to move away for college, decided to take a detour. From Florida, he was supposed to go to New York.
Instead, he flew over to the Philippines.
The flight had been full of thoughts; the blurry kind of thoughts. What was he expected to do now? Hindi nya alam kung paano nya haharapin ang ama. He didn't even know how the man found him or his contacts.
His mother didn't bother hiding the truth from him. He knew that his Tito Ezekiel was there, even in his early years. Ito na talaga ang nakalakhan nyang ama, although the man still refuses to be called Papa. Sya na lang talaga itong nag-insist na tawagin nyang Paps, paminsan-minsan kapag nadudulas sya. He was so, so grateful with the man's presence in their lives. He's been everything to his mom for the past years of being together. Caius even thought his mom wouldn't make it, if not for Ezekiel.
You won't survive overseas with a young kid trailing behind you.
He also knew of his father, Richard Faulkerson Jr.
She told him stories; how he inherited his father's brains, looks, and... this weird hatred towards orange-colored food. Hanggang ngayon kasi ay hindi pa rin sya kumakain ng kahit anong kulay kahel. Tatawanan lang sya ng mga magulang nya kapag naghain ang mga ito ng Filipino food at ihihiwalay nya iyong carrots.
If he had someone he loves dearly, it's his mom. He knew of her sacrifices; Ezekiel would tell him in secret. Although Maine tried to provide the happy parts of the fairytale, the man hoped he'd be aware of what his mom did for him and for his father. Ezekiel tried informing Caius of the presence of the villains in the story, although they weren't... villains to start with.
In short, he was fully aware of the Unlovely Tale of the Earth and the Moon. He even bought a published copy online. Takot na lang nya na makita iyon ng Nanay nya sa kuwarto nya, ano.
And although he loved his mom dearly... he preferred keeping secrets from her. Hindi nito alam na alam nyang may mga kapatid sya sa ama at hindi rin nito alam na... his father sent him an email five months ago, asking him if they could meet.
Gulat na gulat sya noong natanggap nya 'yon, kasabay ng pagpasa nya sa scholarship program of one of the most prestigious universities. Ezekiel was the first one to know; he even tapped the young man's back, saying, Wala eh. Your mom and your dad's brain cells are deadly, if combined together.
His mom just hugged him tightly and thanked him for being such a kind and gifted son. Caius hugged her back and thanked her more for raising him that way.
When he first received the email, medyo, wala sa isip nyang pumunta. The mail was simple. It says the recipient's Richard Faulkerson Jr., asking if they could meet. Sagot daw ang pamasahe, at lahat ng expenses. He was even slightly insulted, but shrugged it off. Bahala na kung oo ang isagot.
It was the sudden yes that made him do it. Isinabay nya sa pag-alis nya dapat papuntang New York so his mother wouldn't know, and wouldn't be worried. He wasn't dumb to understand why his 'father' only contacted him, and not his mother. He wasn't a deadly combination, as Ezekiel says, if it wasn't for his brain cells.
Someone just fetched him from the airport. Nabawasan tuloy ang kaba nya. His mother told him this repeatedly when she's mad at him: Kamukha mo ang Tatay mo. Then she'll snort. Ang sarap-sarap mong sabunin.
Hindi naman nya kamukha iyong sumundo, kaya paniguradong hindi iyon ang tatay nya. They rode a car, and smacked his head mentally as he remembered his mom's words. 'Wag kang sasama kung kani-kanino, Caius Arragon – naku sinasabi ko sa 'yo!
Ma. He'll try to pacify the situation. Si Lola lang naman ang nagpapakidnap sa akin palagi, right?
There goes the endless list why he shouldn't even come with his grandmother. Kesyo hindi raw malapit, blah, blah, Caius Arragon malilintikan ka sa akin, blah, blah. He loved seeing her mad, just because his mom's too adorable and cute when she is. He would just envelope her tiny frame in his arms and tell her repeatedly how he loves her. Ganoon sya kalambing sa Nanay nya.
Ngayon... hindi nya alam ang magiging reaction nya sa Tatay nya.
He knew he's too mature for his age. Dumaan din naman sya sa teenage angst and rebellion, pero for a short period only. He's too busy admiring his mom's sacrifices just to raise him that way he had forgotten her lapses as a mother.
When a man came into the view, around the age he calculated his father's at, time froze.
Kinailangan pa nga nitong lumapit sa kanya at ngumiti para lang magising ulit sya.
Para syang na-starstruck, nakakita ng idolong artista. He can't speak, he can't stop staring. Para syang nag-time travel because looking like his dad is an understatement.
He was his dad. Plus twenty-years. Ugh, ang awkward.
They ate in silence, just because he didn't know how to react. The air between them is heavy, and everything is uncomfortable. When he tore his gaze away from his face a while ago, he didn't know if he could look back.
He didn't even know if this decision's right.
Iyong lukso ng dugo sa teleserye? Hindi 'yon totoo.
Something small's familiar, aside from this face they shared, but other than that... none.
He was facing a stranger. A complete stranger in his life.
And there's this feeling... this empty feeling in his chest, asking his own subconscious if he was even allowed to hold his father's hand.
Or if he's even allowed to call him his father.
Caius, right? The man started talking, but still he can't look straight. He's back to being that shy boy in grade school, when they first went to Florida. Hi.
H-hello po.
The man's eyes went soft. You looked good. Your mother raised you well.
S-salamat po.
And a respectful young man, too. He looked proud, and for some reasons, Caius felt proud as well and thanked his mom mentally. You're eighteen?
Opo.
Halata 'yung foreign accent mo, ano. But still you know Tagalog words. Is Ezekiel and your Mom well?
Kilala nyo po si Paps? Wrong move. A flicker of pain passed the older man's eyes, and he immediately regretted his term. I mean, Tito Ezekiel.
Of course. He nodded. I owe him your mother's sanity.
Caius got what he meant. Ito na nga yata 'yung... father-and-son connection. They started talking a lot of things, and he finally got cozy. They shared some things: chess, books, science, love for celestial bodies, passion for debate, and he mentioned how his mother told him they had the same hatred towards... orange-colored food. Richard laughed loudly at that.
It even took the older man minutes before stopping.
I'm sorry. He said when he recovered. That was the best laugh I had in years.
Glad that... I could make you laugh po.
And though he expected this question... he had a hard time answering this: How's your mom, Caius?
Ano bang isasagot nya? His mom's perfectly fine, thank you. But wouldn't it hurt the man if he would know his mom's doing fine without him? Ano bang isasagot nya? Okay naman po.
Tell me things about your Mom.
What kind of things po?
Everything. His gaze softened. Anything about your mother fascinates me.
And that reply, dear friends, confirmed his father's lingering love for his mother.
Caius didn't hesitate talking: that was just what he needed. Confirmation. He felt wonderful talking about his superhero Mom: how Maine struggled in Florida, constantly refusing Ezekiel's help. Naaliw sya sa pagkukwento just because its his... mother. His favorite person in this world. The only person he'd choose among any other girls. He doesn't know if he hadn't experienced the great love his mother's talking about, but if he's on a sinking boat with his wife and his mom, he'd choose his mother.
After minutes of endless talking, he became... thirsty. Thirsty for his father's words about his mother. The son in Caius was suddenly triggered, and he became curious. Palagi lang kasi nyang naririnig ang kuwento ng Nanay nya tungkol sa Tatay nya. What about his father? What does he think of his mother? What did go wrong?
Iyon lang naman ang gusto nyang malaman. He's not wishing for a happy family. He had that already, he had more love than he needed.
His father stared at the window and avoided his gaze. You should know that her voice ringing in my ears and her face in my head did not stop making me smile.
I am always in love with the night sky because it was the only picture I had of her. Richard smiled weakly. I couldn't keep a picture of her on my wallet, on my phone... none of my things had her trace. I have a wife, and along goes responsibilities I should keep.
But never, Caius, never. He stared back at the younger man. Never did your mother's light flicker in my heart.
Caius let him talk.
Your mother talked about me, yes?
Opo.
What did she say?
Just... stories. Where you met, how smart are you, how you met again and how she had the chance to have you back but grabbed it too late – all stories had the same ending, Sir.
And that is?
That sometimes, love is not enough.
Richard nodded. It's not, kid. It's not. It will never be enough. Your mom strongly believes in the presence of other forces: she'd continuously mention fate and destiny, and even the universe. But I... I believe our case was different. We only had ourselves to blame. We had the chance to make things right. I could have chased her further, she could have hold on longer. But after all the things that happened... they rendered us weak, helpless. We were both unable to walk or move the slightest.
So we stayed where we are, and didn't bother to move.
Your mother and I... we were a very perfect pair to showcase unsuccessful love. We failed at the first; we failed at the second.
W-what does your wife think about it?
He wasn't being insensitive, and God forgive Caius for his questions – he was one curious young man. Gusto lang naman nya malaman. His father looked like he'd break right here where they dined and... paano pa kaya 'yung asawa nya? He was aware of everything.
Our ship did not run smoothly. He chuckled. There were nights when I needed to assure her it's gonna be alright; that I love her; that I won't leave her. That she can sleep peacefully tonight and I'd still be snoring beside her. My wife had those thoughts.
Hindi ko po maintindihan. You looked like you still love my mother – yet you do those things to your wife?
Too young, Caius. Maybe you're too young to understand, but I'll still tell you. Even at a young age... you have to know that there various types of love in this world. Your mom and I shared a very great love no wall could hinder us and no kind of knife could hurt us except our own choices – but Mia, she stayed as my sun, the sun I couldn't live without.
Did you love her any less? Did she know about my mom?
Yes. Mia's perfectly aware and... she constantly nagged how I should go visit you abroad.
Bakit po... hindi?
I don't know. He smiled sadly. Maybe I was too weak. Too scared to face your mom, to face you, the kid I never took under my wing. I am afraid I might be labeled too thick-faced for my own good.
You knew I exist?
Yes.
How? My mother said she tried all her best to keep me a secret. Caius wondered how he could speak those words so calmly, like he harbored no hatred towards the father Richard never was. Hindi nya rin maintindihan; maybe because his mother was perfectly fine on her own. Maybe because Maine didn't let him look for another figure.
Maybe his mother just loved him the way he needed to be, and so he grew up whole.
I saw you. Richard tried to drink water, probably to cure dry words because sometimes, words won't come out no matter how hard you force them to. I tried to get a glimpse of her before she left for Florida... and you were with her... with Ezekiel...
So you connected the dots, Sir.
Yes. The man smiled. Around your age, your mother couldn't have loved someone else other than... me.
You trusted her that much – yet you didn't wait for her explanation? What could have gone wrong, Sir?
There came no reply.
I'm sorry, Sir. Caius had to explain himself. Hindi po ako galit. I just wanted to know what happened because my mother wanted me to live forever in this happy bubble she created for her son. Okay lang naman po sa akin na malaman kung ano talagang nangyari, simply because I know anything I'd do today would not change it.
He looked straight at the old man's eyes. Answers, Sir.
I only needed answers from you.
Richard sighed and smiled sadly. You were as strong as your mother, kid.
Thank you po.
Although you got your looks from me, I could not have... done this. Meet my biological father, hide this from the mother who raised me alone... you were a brave and intelligent young man I couldn't have wished for a better... firstborn.
Everything had gone wrong, kid. Everything was so perfect, so smooth, so easy – but love isn't that way. Life won't provide you with situations you can easily pass and choices you can easily answer. Hindi tumatanggap ng oo at hindi ang buhay, Caius.
In your case?
We never tried to elaborate the answers we gave. Oo at hindi lang. Oo lang. Hindi lang. We didn't go beyond boundaries, we didn't defy life's choices. He shook his head. We should have done that, defy life's choices.
Why didn't you?
What?
I mean, why didn't you?
The older man chuckled. I didn't know.
Why didn't you?
What?
Bakit hindi nyo po alam? There must have been a reason.
Ngumiti ulit ito. Mas malungkot. Iyon na nga, eh.
Napagod na kami ng Nanay mo kakahanap ng rason para magpatuloy.
Caius didn't know how to react. How could a man like this – and a person his mom is – could just give up because there aren't any more reasons?
I know that face, kid. His father started talking. Of course. Your mother used to give me that, whenever she's about to lose an argument. She was too lively for my own taste, but that doesn't make me love her any less. At some point or another, I think we deserve this – this state we're in.
You don't deserve all the regrets eating you, Sir.
Does your mom smile?
P-po?
Answer the question.
Yes, she does.
Is it real?
Caius thought for a while. There were times he'll find his mom crying in the bathroom, during his early years as a kid, but that was a long, long time ago. Yes. They were real.
Regrets are nothing. Richard said. Regrets are nothing if she's smiling, if she's happy. I'm ready to get eaten with any of these regrets you are talking about if your mom's smiles are genuine. He smiled. I'd exchange anything in the world for those smiles. I'd exchange everything for those calm nights when your mom wouldn't cry herself to sleep because she does not – and will never – deserve all that.
Anything, Sir? Even your own happiness?
Richard did not remove the smile on his face. Yes.
There was a long pause between the two of them, simply because Caius was overwhelmed with the love this man in front of him was giving his mother, even if she was completely unaware of it. Or maybe she is, because well, he was her Earth, anyway. Sir?
Yes?
Matatagalan bago tayo magkita ulit, 'di ba?
He nodded, still smiling. Yes. Baka mahirapan ka ulit tumakas sa Nanay mo.
P-paano nyo po nalaman?
You wouldn't sit there, relaxed, if your mother knew about this. She tends to overreact at things, am I wrong?
No, sir. Can I have a request?
Am I in the right place to say no? Richard looked at him fondly. It will be the first thing I'd be giving my firstborn. Anything, Caius.
Caius gave it a second thought before answering: Can I hug you?
Nakita nyang natigilan ang ama na parang nag-iisip, na parang nagtatanong, basta halo-halo. Nahiya tuloy sya bigla. O-okay lang naman po kung hindi pwede. I understand if you're uncomfortable with me since first time nyo ako makita –
He didn't know what happened next, just him in his father's arms, while the latter... teared up.
I'm sorry. He kept on apologizing. I'm sorry if I cannot provide what you needed for eighteen years, Caius.
Caius tapped the back of the man, slowly and lightly, as if he was erasing his sins. I'm okay po.
And he dropped the bomb.
Papa.
Which made the older man hug him more.
They stayed like that for a long, long time, until they have to get seated again and resumed the conversation. They talked about a lot of things, about college, the program he'll be taking, and what happened in his eighteen years when Richard wasn't there to witness. He would occasionally catch the older man wiping his eye, probably because of tears unshed. Of happiness, sadness, longing, he doesn't know.
He wouldn't want to know, anyway. He was just... happy.
But of course, things would always come to an end, and his flight back was early in the morning or else his mom would freak out if she doesn't find him at New York.
One last question, Sir. He paused for a while. Are you happy?
It took him a while to answer.
Being happy and contented are two different things, kid, and sometimes you have to choose.
He could never forget the kind of smile his own father gave him before separating.
I only have to live with mine.
Caius bid him goodbye, not knowing the next time he'd see his father – if life would allow him to call him that forever – would be six feet underground, with his aging mother on his shoulders, showering his shirt with endless tears.
Nothing, nothing.
Nothing but tears.
And maybe regrets.
Just some.
Thank you, Pa.
Thank you for that long conversation I'll never forget.