Chapter Thirty
“Do you want to come over?” Jayden asked me, sometime later. “Just so we can be alone.”
“Alone? Won’t your mum be at home?” I asked, resting my head against his shoulder.
“No, she’s on some duty thing today. Not sure what it is but I know she won’t be at home,” he said.
I looked out at the trees in front of us, swaying in the wind before nodding. I still felt like I was in a trance, which was not very strange, considering I was a dead-man walking. I had once felt like there had been hope, hope that I could once live like everyone else. There had been the slightest bit of hope in the back of my mind that maybe, one day, I could have children and name them. That I could buy a house and paint the walls. That I could be normal.
That hope had been crushed.
“Any...” Jayden’s voice was in my ear, soft.
“Yes?” I answered, trying not to sound like I had just been thinking about my impending doom.
“You seem distant,” he continued. He paused. “You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?”
“It’s hard not to,” I said as I lifted myself up from the floor. “Are we going to get to your house sometime soon then? I don’t have all year.”
Jayden didn’t laugh at my attempt at a joke. For him, this was probably harder. After all, when I was gone, I didn’t have to miss anyone. I simply did not exist—that’s what I believed. The pain would still be present for Jayden.
We walked to his house in silence, with Jayden now deep in thought. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking so hard about, but I did not think that question would be welcomed warmly. No doubt he would be incredulous.
When we arrived outside of his house, I took his hand. “It’s going to be okay.”
“No it’s not.” He shook his head. “It’s really not going to be okay and there’s nothing I can do.”
I squeezed hand in comfort, even though I felt exactly the same as him. I was in no position to comfort someone in my position and emotional state but I could not bear to see that look on his face.
“Shall we go in?” I asked.
Jayden nodded and lead me to the front door, put his key in and then let us in. When the door was shut behind us, Jayden exhaled loudly.
“Can’t we just stay here forever?” he asked. “Why does Death do this? Why?”
I was fully prepared to answer in comfort again but my words were interrupted by the sound of shouting in the house. Jayden with a neutral facial expression, did not seem alarmed though I had almost crushed the bones in his hand.
He sighed. “I guess it’s about time that you found this out.”
“Found what out?” I asked. “I didn’t really think there was much else to find out.”
“My mother—she, well, I guess you should see for yourself,” he said as he lead me towards the shouting.
Still terrified, I wondered why Jayden was talking about his mother whilst leading me towards the shouting, when his mother was out on an errand.
“Everything has to have an opposite, something to balance it out. Light to dark, day to night, good to bad... Death is the same. Life has to balance it out, so there has to be a creator of life like there is a creator of Death.” Jayden shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was saying, or that he was telling me. “My mother is Life.”
“What?”
I could not form an intellectual reply. The woman who I had thought of like a mother was in control of the life in the world.
“How does that even work?” I shook my head. “That can’t be.”
“Any, please don’t be mad at me. I only kept this from you because—ˮ
“Because what?” I said. “Was I not trustworthy enough with this information?”
Jayden stopped and his tight grip on my hand made me stop with him. “Because of how you feel about Death. I thought maybe you might feel the same about my mother and I would never want that because I know how much you depend on her and how much you love her. I wouldn’t want that changed. I wouldn’t want you to lose another mother.”
I blinked heavily, trying to process all of this new information. The thing I was most angry about was having not been told about Jayden’s mother—having not being trusted enough to be told, even though I thought that they viewed me as family, the way that I viewed them.
“Okay,” I said finally.
I supposed I couldn’t blame them from keeping this from me—Jayden was correct yet that didn’t stop me from feeling sour.
“Should we go to see her?”
When he said going to see her, I thought he meant Eva, the Eva that I knew. The person, or celestial being, that I saw when walking into the room was not Eva. Like Death had many forms, Eva clearly did too. Unlike Death, Eva’s form was beautiful. Her eyes were the lightest of blues, like the sky on a cloudy day. Her hair fanned around her face in white wisps and her skin was almost translucent with a ball of light turning inside her. She wore a plain white dress that floated above her ankles. Her feet did not touch the floor as she floated in clear peace.
“I...” I didn’t not know what to say.
My words broke the ethereal Eva out of the trance as she dropped to the floor. She still stayed in the divine state, the only difference being that she was not floating anymore.
“Ana,” she said, seeming surprised.
“You’re beautiful,” I answered. “You always were but now you’re even more beautiful.”
“Life is.” Eva smiled gently, just a curve of the lips. She held a hand out to me, which I took. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”
“What are you doing?” I questioned. “Why are you like this?”
I pointed to her appearance and she laughed daintily, a laugh that seemed to drift towards the heavens, like an angel.
“I am creating life. I am always doing it, even when you see me like an ordinary person but I like doing it like this. It makes life seem more special and unique when I create it like this.”
“Can you show me?” I asked, leaning forwards.
“Just continue holding my hand and float,” she said.
In an instant, my feet were off the ground. I didn’t have enough time to think I’m floating as my mind was no longer my own. I saw black. Then, a ball of white light crept up, growing bigger.
“A soul.” I heard Eva’s voice inside of my head. “A life that I shall give.”
Then a baby, lying in its mother’s arms in the hospital, gazing up with glistening eyes, filled with life.
Then black.
Then another soul, this time a bright blue. Fizzling and dancing towards us.
“Souls are born white, like a blank slate. When the person has grown into them, has lived, the soul can change colour and move around. It has been crafted. This soul has been temporarily removed from its owner. I shall put it back to give life back to the person.”
A man, lying on the pavement, blood trickling down his face.
“Suicide attempt,” I said but my mouth did not move.
“Yes.” Eva spoke inside my head again. “But it was not his time to die. Therefore, I give him his soul back. Can you see?”
She twirled the soul around in her hands. The soul was not completely blue, I saw. Instead, it had little black cracks around the edges.
“A broken soul, sad,” Eva explained.
The soul was placed back into the man and his eyes opened, as the baby’s hands. Yet this man’s eyes were not filled with life and gleaming. Instead, they were dull and I could see the broken soul inside of him.
I dropped to the ground suddenly, the man panning from my view. I fell airily, with only a light thump as I hit the ground.
“That... that was beautiful.” My eyes were glistening. “Can you see what my soul looks like?”
“No, not until the soul has been removed.”
The unsaid words so I shall see soon hung in the air. I wished I could know what my soul would look like. Would it be broken like the poor man’s? Would it be white and pure like the baby’s, showing that I had not lived?
“What do soul colours mean?” I asked.
“There are too many shades to go through,” Eva said, letting go of my hand.
Jayden spoke quietly. “Surely you have seen Ana’s before, mum. Since she has almost died so many times.”
“Yes, Jayden, but the soul will have been different every time and it will be different now as it would have been shaped and crafted,” Eva explained. “You should know this, Jay.”
Jayden laughed. “Yes, mum, sorry for not listening to your lectures enough. I will try better next time.”
“You should.” Eva smiled.
A pang of jealousy shot through my chest. I wished I had a mother like that, a mother pure and good. My mother was not on the side of Life. I felt dirty, unclean.
“Any, are you okay?” Jayden asked.
“Just thinking,” I responded quickly. I changed the conversation. “Eva, do you remember the colour of most souls?”
“I do actually,” Eva answered. “Even though I have seen more than I can even count, each soul has a special place inside of mine.”
I took a deep breath. “Would you be able to tell me what Geola, Elinsa and Conrad’s souls looked like?”
“Yes, of course. Don’t let this alter your memory of them, please,” she said.
“Are they bad?” I asked.
“Not bad, honey. No-one’s souls are bad.”
I let out a breath of relief. “Okay. I’m ready then.”
“Would you like me to show you again?” she asked.
I nodded and she took hold of my hand. When I opened my eyes, there was a scene that I knew very well. A scene that drilled on my mind for months and was the cause of many of my nightmares.
My old school, the canteen. It’s not exactly how I remember it, but that’s because it is not from my view point. I can see myself with Geola and Elinsa, laughing, brightness in my eyes. I am gazing at Conrad. No. Not this scene.
“Ana,” Geola says, her voice as I remembered it. “You’re gazing at your hottie of a boyfriend. I would so...”
“No,” I said, this time to Eva.
“Shh,” said Eva in reply. “Ana, I will fast forward.”
Even in a fast forward, it was painful to watch—Conrad jumping in front of me, his arms outstretched. When I remembered it, I couldn’t see his face—I couldn’t see his defiance, the assurance on his face that he was willing to die for me. I didn’t hear Geola shout: “Tom!” I didn’t hear Elinsa mutter: “Oh God, no” and then scream my name to try and save me. I definitely didn’t see the black spirit—Death—leaving Alissa Poma’s body after she had shot everyone I loved.
The soul left Conrad first. It was green, a dark and pure green.
“Green is one of the most wonderful souls, I think. They are pure, coming from the Earth, showing that they are true and just. They are honest and rooted. They are also willing to do anything for anyone, as you can see, as they are noble and brave.”
Tears ran down my face. I could feel them even in my trance.
“The soul is not dented at all. Nothing affected Conrad’s soul. He was still pure.”
The next soul to leave was Geola’s. It burned a bright orange, with twists of red swirling inside.
“The orange soul. Bright and exuberant. Also, calming and present. The red represents the burning love and passion inside. This soul is caring and protective. It is creative and wonderful.”
The soul lifted out of Elinsa next. It was a cool blue. “Blue, calming and less obvious than the orange soul. There are no marks in this soul either, it was untouched. There is a hidden black inside of the soul, yet not on the surface. This represents dark thoughts that Elinsa did not show. This soul is honest and kind-hearted always trying to do the best thing for others. Selfless.”
“Did you...” I said, my voice becoming broken as I cried. “Did you take care of their souls? Please tell me you took care of them.”
“Of course I did, Ana. That is my job.”
The three souls floated and I could almost see them inside their souls. I could see Conrad’s true smile in the green, Geola raising her arms as she jumped in the orange soul and the gentle, subtle curve of Elinsa’s lips in the blue soul.
As well as the black, a pink light came from Alissa.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Losing her soul. Because Death was inside of her and because of what he made her do, her soul began to die so the good parts of it are leaving her.”
In the scene, I now saw Jayden, saving me, risking everything to save me. Then, I fall back to the ground. Tears are still running down my cheeks.
“At least I will be with them soon,” I said, drying to wipe my face down.
But I didn’t want to be with them. I wanted to be with Jayden. I didn’t want my soul to leave me and leave my body empty.
“Any...” Jayden said, crouching down so he was in my face.
“I don’t want to be with them, Jayden. I don’t want to leave.”
He wrapped his arms around my body and I felt like I was weightless, and he was the one holding me up, the one keeping me alive. I supposed that he was. He was always the one who had kept me alive. Without him, I would have died years ago.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
It meant much more than an I love you. I was thanking him for his existence, for the fact that he had saved my life so many times, for the fact that he had allowed me to live.
“For what?” he asked, though he obviously knew.
“For saving me. When you saved me then, I wished you hadn’t saved me. I wished that I could have been dead but now I realised how stupid it was to think that. I hadn’t even lived yet.”
“You don’t need to say thank you, Any, I would do it a thousand times again.”
He pressed his face into my neck and I felt his tears run down my skin.
“Jayden, don’t be like I was with Conrad, please,” I begged. “Please don’t waste your life because I am dead. Please don’t continue wishing you were with me. Please accept the fact that I am gone.”
“I can’t. I won’t be able to do that,” he said.
I smiled at him, trying to reassure him that everything would be okay. I turned to face Eva.
“Thank you for showing me that, Eva. Thank you.”
Eva smiled at me and placed her hand on my face. “I’m sorry that there’s nothing I can do about this, Ana. I truly am sorry.”
“I believe that you’re sorry, Eva. You have nothing to be sorry for, though. This is not your fault.” I stopped. “Have you got any predictions for what my soul will look like?”
I had a fear that it would be as broken as that man’s, maybe even more broken as I had almost died so many times. Maybe my soul would be as black as Death’s. Or maybe I would be like Alissa and not have one because of the amount of times Death had touched me.
“Beautiful,” she answered. “I can assure you that. I will and try to make you able to see your soul before it leaves. I don’t know how, but I will try.”
“That would be wonderful of you, Eva,” I said honestly.
Jayden tightened his grip around me and I gently moved my hands through his hair.
“Have I failed?” he asked. “I’ve tried to save you so many times but I couldn’t keep you alive.”
“No, Jayden, you haven’t failed. You kept me alive until it was my time to go. You could never have failed something that wasn’t your mission anyway.”
“Let’s just enjoy tonight, shall we? Not worry about me dying or anything like that. I think I have had enough Life and Death for one day, what about you?” I joked, lifting myself up from the floor.
I felt weightless, even though I didn’t have Eva clutching my hand anymore. I felt like I no longer had anymore worries. I felt free for once in my life.
“I agree,” he said, reaching for my hand
I was ready.
©sprinklesomesparkle 2013