The last few days have been the most painful ones that have ever been introduced to Elle. She was being consumed into an extraordinarily new level of numbness that she never knew existed with each minute that she remembered him. Every tear that fell from her eyes were remnants of a larger emotion within her that mourned the sound of his voice. Every part of her wept whenever she thought of never hearing the melody ever again; that those words spoken to her would be the last pieces of an amazing person who added a beautiful rainbow across her bleak life.
Time has blended into one meaningless blur that Elle was more than happy to let waste, knowing that the one man who gave it purpose was consumed by the abyss of misery and agony that this world tried so hard to conceal from everyone. She let the hours wither away as she laid in the comfort that the darkness of her room gave her as she let her void feelings devour her into nothing.
The only symbol of life that she had left was the fact that her breaths were still fresh and steady, but that was it. Elle didn't feel the need to eat or go out and do anything. There were even depressing moments in her memory where she swore that some of her senses started to numb and disintegrate as her happiness did.
Her mother knew the pain that came with the loss of a loved one. She knew that it was best for her daughter to lay in her solitude and be left alone to deal with the uprising of demons. It gave her a sense of calmness in her mind of chaotic madness. And as the sun rose and fell, Elle remained and marveled at the depths of sadness that she never knew were even accessible to people until now.
And in those few moments that she chose to step out and find a new place that gave her solace, she seemed empty. Her face was drained of color as it was with any trace of emotions. Her actions slowed down by the weight of this grief that was strongest with her. Her eyes that may have been mistaken for that of a corpse as it lost any trace of the wildfire that was present when he was. And so many words that were left unspoken as her mouth was filled with the regrets of not telling him any of the things that she thought she had to, and it decided that it would be best to just not say anything at all.
And as the news of Jack's death started to spread, it did amongst the students. Elle was grateful that school was over, since it meant that she didn't have to torture herself by flooding her broken mind with things that seemed pointless now, but seeing her friends along the small town was absolutely inevitable, as were the apologetic stares that she had learned to despise with the hatred that was birthed after Jack was taken from her.
And it almost seemed like everyone's darkest fears left them for a moment and started to surround Elle in a circle as the day of his memorial came. She knew what was going to happen today. It would be a gathering of people who Jack didn't know and were only there with the flimsy excuse of being related by blood as they tried to fake the grief that Elle has gotten to know very well since he left as they stood awkwardly in a room filled with fancy snacks and bouquets of flowers in the name of condolences.
Elle looked at herself in the mirror, and even her reflection was a reminder of him. She saw her cherry red lips that were now a muted shade of pink that he used to adore like candy. She looked at her hair and was reminded of how much he loved to stroke it with his fingers. She watched her eyes and thought of how wonderful and lovely everything was when she was standing beside him that made her question why she only saw it in its beauty now.
Elle swallowed the lump that formed in her throat before turning away from the memories for now so that she could put her focus back to the painful reality that she has yet to admit was fully hers. Her mother was waiting for her when they got down as she wore a pitiful look on her face, whereas Elle had a blank one since all of the destruction happened within.
They drove in silence for a few minutes before they arrived at Jack's memorial. Thinking about it now, Helen must have had the longest time to arrange and plan all of it. It wasn't a comforting thought for a mother that her only child is on the verge of dying, but even your own mind can betray you in painful ways. It was clear that she hated the fact that all of this came together so quickly, but she must have been so drained of her tears that all she could do was to wear a melancholic expression as everyone approached her and Hugh and whispered apologies and condolences.
The entire thing was contained within an air conditioned room structured and formed with walls that had patterns embedded into it as it shimmered with the light as the air was flooded with multiple floral scents clashing together in the air. There were snacks that were laid out on a table at the side, as well as a few drinks to satisfy anyone who may have been thirsty. And lastly was Jack's body as it was given the spot at the front center of the room.
Elle walked towards it slowly, not knowing if whether or not she was prepared to see him and come to terms with all the tragedies that came crashing down on her all at once. The entire coffin was white except for the occasional streams of gold at the side to adorn it and made it look celebrated rather than mourned. But miraculously, she managed to gather enough courage and strength to assure herself that tears would not drown her this time before she cast her glance downwards and let out a pained whimper that was muffled by her hand.
Jack's body was covered by a fancy suit that gave him the appearance of merely drifting away in slumber had it not been for the cold temperature that engulfed his body as well as the discolorations of death. His hands were properly laid down to settle upon one another on his stomach. His eyes were peacefully shut, but that would have been deemed as an act of giving up had Jack actually been here to see it. "Elle, let's go sit down." She felt her mother's bony hands settle on her shoulder before she was lead away from the coffin and was sat down at the front row as she looked blankly at the podium.
After a few minutes of chatting with one another, everyone finally settled down and found their own seats before Helen ascended onto the podium. The first thing that left her lips was dedicated to thanking everyone for coming to this at such short notice.
Elle didn't know when it started, but she found herself not listening to anything that followed out of her lips. She didn't know whether it was because she couldn't bear to hear any more words in the name of Jack's departure, or because she was still recovering from the overwhelming emotions that bombarded her for these last few days, but her thoughts were disrupted when she heard Helen call her name. "Would you like to say anything in Jack's memory?"
Her body froze on her chair, and refusal was on the brink of escaping her lips but then she saw Helen pleading with her eyes. It seemed that that was all she needed to get a hold of herself entirely, not just for this day but all the rest that she had wasted isolating herself rather than trying to recover, was that she knew that Jack would have wanted her to go on with her life and that he would appreciate hearing her honesty deep through, even when death hindered him from listening.
Elle nervously stepped onto the stool behind the podium. Her fingers latched onto the corners as her eyes scanned the entire room and only now did she notice the big number of people that actually showed up. She looked at each one of them briefly before going on with the others, and the words seemed to just flow out of her mouth.
"Jack Kingston was a person who was crushed by the truth too early, which robbed him of his chance at a life of ignorance that, in a world like this, is often mistaken for happiness. He looked at everything with such a resentment because he knew that he would never be given the opportunity to enjoy it long enough to matter. He destroyed anything that could make him regret his acceptance, but I was the lucky one that he let in." She paused and glanced around, and her gaze landed on Helen as she clutched her napkin.
"The first time I saw Jack, somehow I knew that he was going to bring to me the promise of amazing. And though he tried to push me away, I'm actually glad that I was stubborn because only then did he unleash his true colors." Elle looked down as she quickly replayed their first meeting. All she could say now was that it felt like standing only a few inches away from the stars and watching them align, while the entire universe seemed to be within her grasp.
"And I can promise you that there was no one that was so filled with that much love. He had so much of it to give, and he decided to give it all to me. He showed me the side of him that everyone thought had withered away. Jack became the sole provider of my happiness. He reminded me of what it was like to have fun and be happy. He showed me passion that I never thought could ever exist. He showed me a glimpse of what true love felt like." Her eyes latched onto the appreciative glances that were on some faces.
"And when he died, he brought the a huge part of me along with him. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that he's going to find his way back to me, but only now did everything start to settle. I'm never going to hear his beautiful voice ever again; the one that had the power to calm me. I'll never feel his gentle touch that were conduits of a bigger affection. Never again will I look into his eyes that revealed the truth behind the man who separated himself from everyone." She took in a breath to calm herself down and suppress the tears, keeping that he hated it when she cried.
"But a thought occurred to me just now: no one is truly gone as long as a memory of him lives on. His soul lingers amongst his loved ones. Now, I can say that Jack Kingston, this amazing person that I love with my entire heart, is not dead. No, his death will come when my last breath has been breathed. Jack will live on as I do, and only when I am gone will he be truly buried in death." Elle felt some sort of closure when the last words were said. It felt like this divine serenity finally flooded her, and she could finally breathe again knowing that her words were true, as was her promise.
Helen immediately jumped out of her seat and wrapped her arms around Elle's neck. "Thank you." She briefly whispered in her ear before Elle returned her hug. She looked around the room once more, and everyone was looking at her with some newly found respect. She even caught sight of Hugh, and saw that his eyes have gotten a bit glassy before he flashed her an gratifying smile.
After that came his burial. Everyone had traveled in their individual cars to the cemetery and watched as his coffin was closed and lowered to the ground. His parents got him his own space that separated him from the other tombstones, where his was sheltered in a mausoleum. Everyone threw pure white roses over his coffin, and Elle was the last to cast hers. Though her speech gave her solace, it still pained her knowing that this would be the last time she would see him. And in the memory of everything wonderfully beautiful about him, she pressed the blooming rose on her lips, allowing it to linger for a bit longer as the scent of it touched her senses, before casting it and watching as it landed perfectly in the middle.
Elle chose to stay behind, even when everyone had already left, as she waited for her mother to get the car. The remnants of the emotions that took her into the grips of depression still remained, but no longer did she feel the destructive intensity of it that she felt before. She stood in front of the plaque and read it over and over again.
"Elle?" She turned her head at the surprising voice that blossomed out of the emptiness of the shelter. She saw Helen at the doorstep carrying a box filled with items that Elle didn't pay attention to. "I thought I was alone." Elle whispered before lowering her head, since she made a promise to herself that only in the face of his grave will she allow herself to break down.
Helen released a sigh. "Before his death, Jack made me promise to give this to you." She handed Elle the box. "It seemed that it was very important that you received it, and he said that you would know what to do next." Helen said with a small smile.
"But, I'm not even sure about anything now that he's gone." Elle looked down and scanned the surface of the box before Helen gave her another hug. "I just wanted to thank you again not just for the speech but for also loving my son." Helen soon pulled away and left after waving goodbye.
Damn that eulogy was hard to write. And I would be lying if I said that this chapter didn't drain me dry of every emotion. It hurts me too :'( but it'll get better, I promise. xoxo
the box = super important for next chapter :3
me = one of the few people that HAS NOT read TFIOS