Parker & the Big Comfy Couch
(Jamie: 16-years old)
"So it's been a while since we saw each other," Jane, my therapist, said.
"Well to be honest I was hoping last time would've officially been the last time," I said, with a long sigh.
I liked to lay down when at therapy, the old cliche they portrayed in movies. I liked to stare at the ceiling, it was easier for me to verbalize my thoughts without having to directly stare at someone.
"So let's talk about what brought you back here today."
Last time we'd met had been over three years ago, and it'd been parenting-related. Emily claimed that I wasn't transitioning into raising a teenage daughter well. And unfortunately my therapist agreed, which led to several sessions of unboxing those issues.
"Nightmares."
"Can you elaborate on that?" Jane questioned.
"I'd rather not."
Jane was used to my aggressive behavior, my tendency to shut down when I didn't want to approach a subject.
"Then why are you here?"
She didn't take my bullshit lightly. And that's why she's my current therapist.
"Because my wife asked me to be."
And after nearly a month of arguing and me hardly sleeping, we came to the agreement that I would attend one session and see what Jane had to say.
And in return Emily would drive Jamie two hours away to her track meet. As well as take carpool duty for the next week.
"And why do you think she did that?"
My eyes shifted to the flickering candle on the bookshelf, and I began to study her collection of books on psychology ideologies.
"Parker?" Jane prompted.
"Because I have to believe that she loves me," I deadpanned. "And she probably wants me to sleep at night. Even though I can function on two hours per night. I'm no stranger to sleep deprivation."
My eyes flickered over to Jane who was studying me with a pensive expression.
"What's been your caffeine consumption this week?"
Skyrocket high. Emily would kill me if she knew.
I just shrugged, my eyes shifting back to the ceiling.
"Two cups of coffee per day?" Jane suggested. "Three?"
"Is this relevant?"
"Very much so."
I hated admitting my faults. Caffeine is something that I struggle with. I hate having to regulate myself, always wanting more. I hate he pounding headaches that come if I don't drink my allotted amount for the day, if I don't satisfy my fix.
Of all things to be addicted do caffeine is my poison.
I cleared my throat, letting out a long sigh. "Yesterday it was three cups of coffee, a Five Hour Energy, and a few caffeine pills. And half of a Red Bull, I didn't drink the entire thing."
Or maybe three-quarters. Point is I didn't finish it.
"And does Emily know?"
"Hell no, she would've killed me before I finished that sentence."
"So why do it then?"
"Why consume that much caffeine?" I asked, turning my head to face her.
She nodded.
"Because I was falling asleep thirty minutes after I'd woken up. No way would I have made it through the day."
"Why not just go back to sleep then?"
"Nightmares."
Constant nightmares.
"So tell me what's so difficult to face about these nightmares. You worked through them in college, yes?"
I swallowed the knot in my throat, nodding as I turned to face the ceiling again.
That was the most excruciating time in my life, forcing myself to stay in my nightmares so I could see it through until the end.
"So have they come back again?" Jane asked me.
"Not exactly," I declined, my voice hoarse.
Keep your shit together Parker.
"These ones are slightly different."
"How so?"
I took a few moments to compose myself, to ensure that I was going to keep it together.
"Jamie is in them."
Jane was silent for a few moments, and I could hear her pen on her paper. "Can you expand on that?"
The very thought caused an intense ache in my chest, so much so that I struggled to catch my breath for a few moments.
"It's Jamie Lee this time," I said, my voice much quieter now. "She's the one..."
I couldn't say the word. I couldn't even choke it out.
Even thinking it caused me so much pain that I had to stand up and walk it off for a few minutes.
"Take your time Parker."
I braced my hands on the back of the couch, taking in a deep breath. "Ever since she was in that accident, it's like my subconscious has been ripping me apart. I can't stop thinking about it."
"During the day too?" Jane questioned.
"Every time she leaves the fucking house," I said, grinding my jaw as I glanced away from her. "It's like I know I should be doing more to protect her."
"Parker you can't possibly protect Jamie from everything out there."
"But something like this?" I snapped, glancing back at her. "The stupid car? She's sixteen for God's sake. I can't lose her too."
I let my head drop, my chest heaving as I tried to regain what little sense of composure I had left.
"So at night your parents have been replaced by Jamie," Jane filled in.
"To see my daughter like that and feeling so helpless," I breathed, my eyes involuntarily filling with tears. "It's the most God awful thing I have to go through night after night."
"You know how the cycle ends Parker," Jane said, gently.
"I can't!" I snapped, tears falling from my eyes. "Not with her."
I grabbed a tissue as Jane silently let me calm back down.
I took a seat on the couch, leaning back with a sigh.
"I never understood the love people have for their children until I had one myself," I stated quietly, glancing up at Jane. "And when I have to enter that nightmare, it breaks me every damn time."
"But that's just it Parker. It's your subconscious and nothing more."
"But what if it isn't?" I shouted, feeling myself getting worked up again. "That could very easily be my daughter the moment I let her back behind the wheel of a car."
"Are you going to judge every decision on the worst case scenario?" Jane asked me. "Jamie can't go to the movies anymore because there's been a shooting across the nation. Jamie can't wear the color red because it's associated with a gang somewhere in the nation. Jamie also can't wear the color blue because it's also gang associated somewhere out there. Jamie can't fly on an airplane because on time one of the engines failed on an airplane before. Jamie can't go out in the Sun because she could get skin cancer. Jamie also-"
"Okay," I interrupted. "Okay, you've made your point."
"Have I?"
I didn't say anything and Jane rested her paper down on the table, leaning forward.
"If you don't start focusing on you, there won't be any worrying about Jamie." She leaned back, letting out a sigh. "I told you about my son, currently spending time behind bars. If I spent every waking moment of every day focused on him, I wouldn't be sitting here with you today."
I wasn't very good at that step of the equation, the focusing on me part.
"Jamie is going to continue to grow and mature," Jane continued. "And there's nothing you can do to inhibit that. All you can do is either grow with her or drag your feet every step of the way. And one of those choices is going to make yours, and everyone else's life around you, miserable."
I puffed up my cheeks, letting the air out slowly.
"Ready for your homework for this week?" Jane asked.
"No," I admitted.
"First and foremost, the caffeine has got to go."
I let out a long sigh, rolling my eyes. "I know."
The withdrawal symptoms were going to be a bitch to deal with though.
"And secondly, one more hour per night Parker. Three hours by the time I see you again."
"An entire hour in a week?" I demanded, running my fingers through my hair.
"That nightmare is your subconscious and nothing more. Kiss Jamie goodnight before you to go sleep and hold her tight when you're awake again. But I expect one more hour when I see you again."
Damn.
We said our goodbyes and I met Emily outside, where she was sipping on a milkshake and reading a novel on the hood of her car.
"You're going to dent your car babe," I said, leaning across and pecking her on the lips.
"Is that a good enough excuse for a new one?"
I rolled my eyes as she laughed, hopping off the hood. "So? How'd it go?"
"I'm happy to say that I survived."
I slid into the passenger seat as she took the driver's seat before turning on the car.
"And? Do I get my husband back anytime soon?"
I rolled my eyes as she cupped my chin in her palm, leaning over and kissing my cheek.
"Of course you know I love you," Emily said. "But seriously though, how're you feeling?"
"Honestly? Drained."
"Want to swing through Starbucks, grab an iced coffee?"
More than anything.
"Not particularly right this minute."
"Wow, I am impressed."
I chuckled, shaking my head. "Just promise me one thing?"
"Anything my love."
"Even if I'm old and gray with like 12 grandchildren, and I'm talking really old and not at all in the near future, but if I'm still paranoid as fuck will you still love me?"
Emily pulled up to a stoplight, pulling my jaw towards hers and bringing me in for a kiss.
"Even if you're old, gray and senile and you make me feed you oatmeal in the mornings and give you sponge baths in the afternoon, I will still love you Parker Adams. Paranoia and all."
"I guess I got myself a real keeper then," I said, offering her a crooked smile.
"You're welcome."
"Though to be fair giving me a sponge bath doesn't sound like much of a punishment on your half."