(Not entirely proof read but people have been waiting a long time for this and i really wanted to update before I got too sucked into work again - feel free to leave me messages with corrections and/or advice for when i edit another day - thanks! Enjoy!)
Chapter Twelve:
I didn’t see Jayden the next day. Okay so that’s a lie. I did see him. From a distance, and only ever crowded by his friends. Things were back to normal. They were back to being the way that they should have always been.
He didn’t once try to talk to me; he didn’t even so much as look my way.
It took me a while to realise that he was upset with me. I’d expected him to do what he always did. He was meant to give me when of his stupid smiles and then tell me a stupid joke in an attempt to make me smile. The same way he had done whenever we disagreed about something.
I sighed trying to brush the thought away. He actually wasn’t meant to do anything like that. He was meant to be keeping a distance from me. I’d told him to leave me alone so many times in that past few weeks. It shouldn’t bother me so much that he had actually listened to me.
Except it did.
It bothered me a lot.
I’d grown used to him hounding me about being my friend. I’d even started to enjoy the attention he had been giving me. But that was stupid.
I didn’t deserve that attention. It was so wasted on me. I knew that it wouldn’t last, and I was right. That’s why it had been so goddamned idiotic of me to have become attached to it.
I was so stupid.
I missed having him around. The whole day just seemed to take even longer than usual. I just wanted to hide away from the world. I should have just stayed home.
As soon as I thought it I wanted to take it back.
Great one guy stops talking to me and I’m already ready to start running away like a child.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, willing the developing headache to go away, when it didn’t work I let out a loud sigh, leaning my head against the back wall of the school, just under the archway in the courtyard, protected from the falling rain.
This was how it was meant to be. I was meant to be alone.
I pulled my knees to my chest, trying to ignore the stabbing pains there. Pressing my lips into a thin line I tucked my face into the crook of my elbow.
I should be grateful that he was leaving me alone. I shouldn’t want to have him here with me.
I don’t need him here with me.
What I needed to do was snap out of it. What if someone saw me like this? Curled up on the ground? Acting like a child?
-_-
Eleven Years Ago:
“What are you doing Kayleigh?” My mother hissed between her teeth, as she wrapped a strong, manicured hand tightly around my arm dragging me forcefully to my feet.
“I-I-” I blubbered out through my tears. Her hand was crushing my arm on an already formed bruise I had gotten the night before.
“We’re in public!” She said annoyed. “Stop acting like such a baby. You’re six for crying out loud! What were you doing all curled up on the floor crying?” She asked with clear distain in her voice.
I knew she hated crying.
But I couldn’t help it. I’d been scared.
“I-I-” I couldn’t get past the lump in my throat as I tried desperately to calm down, so that she would stop giving me the look of disgust.
“Oh for heaven’s sake.” She said through clenched teeth, her hand tightening in frustration. “Stop mumbling. Chin up and speak normally.”
I followed her instructions, straightening my posture, and biting down hard on my bottom lip so hard that I could feel blood, pouring into my mouth from where my teeth had pierced the skin.
“I couldn’t find you.” I rushed to explain. “I got scared-”
That had been the wrong thing to say. Her hand tightened again as she glared at me. “What have I told you Kayleigh?” She asked tightly, but she didn’t give me any time to say the answer before she gave me it. “You’re not a kid anymore. You need to grow up.”
I nodded my head solemnly. This was my fault. I was being childish. She had every right to be mad at me right now.
“I’m sorry.” I said in a plea, begging for her forgiveness. “I thought something bad had happened to you.”
She glared at me. “I was just across the street for ten minutes.” She rolled her eyes at me. “And if you hadn’t gotten distracted by the stupid flowers you would have seen where I was going.”
She pointed down to the daisies that had made me stop and stare only a few minutes ago.
“Daisies are your favourite.” I said in a quiet voice. “I wanted to pick some for you.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Don’t talk so lowly. And I don’t want flowers Kayleigh. If I had wanted flowers I would have picked them myself.” She pointed out sharply.
I lowered my head and nodded. “I’m sorry.” I repeated.
She gave no acceptance to my apology. “Don’t you ever embarrass me like that again.” She ordered instead. “Imagine if someone else had found you like that.” She shuddered. “What would they think of me? Raising a child who just cried at everything. That’s so humiliating.”
I felt my chest tighten as she went on about how embarrassed she was by me.
I didn’t try apologising again, because it would only make her angrier with me. I didn’t want her to be any more furious than she already was.
-_-
I clenched my jaw. If she saw me now she would be even more ashamed.
I was eighteen now and I was acting no better than I had all those years ago. The same feeling of loneliness and fear were gripping at my stomach. The only difference now was I had learnt not to cry.
I wouldn’t do that again. Not since that day.
For weeks after that day my mother had been too annoyed at me to even speak a word in my direction.
I hated that I was reacting this way.
So what if he had finally stopped talking to me? It shouldn’t have such an effect on my emotions. I shouldn’t be feeling this measly, guilty even, because of someone like Jayden Parker.
I tightened my arms around my knees, clenching my jaw.
It shouldn’t mean anything to me that we weren’t talking. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t.
God I was so pathetic.
I wanted to hit myself. What was worse was that I was now running from him. Instead of going to our English Literature lesson I was hiding away in the courtyard, waiting for enough time to pass that I wouldn’t have to see him today.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll be stronger.
Tomorrow I wasn’t going to hide away like this. I wouldn’t run from my troubles.
I wouldn’t back out of my promise to Jayden. I would help him get the A he needed and then I would be out of his life forever. I owed him that much, and even if I hadn’t I had made my promise.
Because, even if it was only for a short while, he had made me feel something close to normal.
I only needed to be weak today. I only needed today, so that tomorrow I wouldn’t be disappointed when he didn’t give me the smile I had now grown used to. I just needed today so that I wouldn’t feel the need to run and get the letters for him like he wanted.
He didn’t need to read them and I wasn’t going to let him.
I wouldn’t let him be that close. I wasn’t going to be that stupid.
By the time that long enough had passed that I was sure the lesson had ended I had managed to make myself feel numb again. I’d managed to keep my expression completely neutral even as I thought about him. I’d even talked myself up into telling him that I no longer could keep up with meeting him after school.
But he managed to break all of my effort down to nothing in a heartbeat.
I stared down at the outside picnic table that I always sat on with horror swirling in my chest, because right then I felt the closest I had to tears than I had been in years.
There in front of me there was no Jayden, and I knew it was because he was annoyed and upset with me, and I would have kept being alright with that if it wasn’t for the fact he had still left a brown paper bag on the table, with the note ‘chicken salad’, waiting for me.
Even though he had avoided talking to me all day. He’d still gone out of his way to make sure I still ate lunch.
And that’s when my brain made a whole new resolution. As I stared down at the sandwich I realised that it was already too late. I was already too attached. And there was no point pushing him away any more.
Instead a huge part of me wanted to just hold on to him for just as long as I could.
It was already going to hurt too much to lose what little friendship we had, so why not put it off? Why not delay the pain for as long as possible? Because if it was going to happen, why did it have to happen now?
Why couldn’t I enjoy it for just a little bit longer?
All I had to do was show him the letters. He wanted to read them. And he had read one of them already. What could it really hurt to give him what he wanted?
Fear encased my lungs, making it difficult to breathe.
Could I even let someone that close? Could I trust Jayden with that much of me?
My eyes went back to the sandwich, and it reminded me that he was already that close. It was just time for me to stop denying it.
Jayden:
“Jayden!” Dylan snapped his fingers in front of my face, making me snap out of my thoughts. It took me a second to remember where I was.
Instead of sitting with Kayleigh – like I had been recently – I was sat back with all of my other friends for lunch. Part of me itched to go outside. The benches were probably soaked through from the rain earlier, but knowing Kayleigh that wouldn’t stop her from eating out there anyway.
She’d rather sit out there than in here where everyone else was.
“What’s wrong with you?” Dylan asked me with a scowl, when he had to snap his fingers to get my attention once again. I groaned trying to push all thoughts of Kayleigh out of my mind. But it wasn’t working.
There were too many questions clouding my mind.
Why hadn’t she even come to class?
Had there been another note?
Did she eat the sandwich I had left for her?
“I don’t know.” I mumbled in reply to Dylan.
“Has this got anything to do with why you’ve suddenly decided to sit at our lunch table again?” He asked, putting down his fork and looking directly at me. Picking up on our conversation Chelsea turned in her chair to listen.
I went to tell him everything was fine, that I just hadn’t gotten enough sleep, but something else slipped out of my mouth instead. “Kayleigh wasn’t in class today.” I muttered looking down at my food with disinterest.
Even though I wasn’t facing him I could see Dylan raising his eyebrows at me.
“Really? She was in Maths.” Chelsea supplied, cocking her head to the side.
I don’t know if I was happy or sad that she was there because her maths class was scheduled after English. Which meant she hadn’t gone home ill in the middle of the day, but it did mean she was skipping our lesson together.
“She did seem a bit off today though.” She added on, her eyes drifting towards the doors that lead outside, where everyone knew Kayleigh sat, before flashing back to mine. “Did you two have an argument or something?”
“What do you mean off?” I asked, ignoring her question. Was there something wrong with her? Maybe she had been ill but came back for Maths.
Chelsea shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know how to explain it. She just seemed more…distant.” She finished with another shrug. “Moodier.”
Dylan scoffed loudly, shaking his head. “Kayleigh Moore is always moody.” He scorned, brushing off her comment before I had the chance to reply.
Chelsea’s eyes narrowed. “Shut up Dylan. You know what I’m talking about.”
He rolled his eyes at her. “No one ever knows what you’re talking about.” He swung his head back, widening his eyes innocently. “Like, OMG, that is so totes amaze.” He mimicked her in a shrill voice.
Chelsea’s whole expression darkened, then there was a dull thudding sound from under the table followed by Dylan’s cry of pain.
“What the hell, you psycho!” Dylan exclaimed loudly, swinging out his left leg and lifting up his jeans to see if she had left any sort of mark. “I need this leg to play football.”
Chelsea flashed her teeth menacingly, daring him to continue complaining, whilst she undoubtedly reeled her leg back for a second kick.
“Guys.” I hissed, interrupting their fight. Both of them turned to face me, and Chelsea’s expression softened.
“Sorry, Jay.” She apologised.
I was still stuck on the ‘seemed off’ comment. What did that even mean? What was ‘moodier’ meant to mean when it came to Kayleigh?
Maybe I should go check on her…
I dispelled the thought, trying to shake her from my mind. But I couldn’t. All I could think about was that letter. My stomach churned at the thought of it.
If a bus were to hit you tomorrow, who would even miss you?
That was the line that had bothered me the most. Who would even write something like that? What kind of person would write someone that letter?
To think I had thought it was from some secret admirer. I hadn’t listened to her when she told me I wouldn’t like it. I had ignored the pale expression on her face because I thought I had hit the nail on the head with my guess.
The truth however was just twisted.
I’d never understood bullying. Sure I saw it in the movies. Sure the teachers would tell us about it in assembly. But I never really thought about it. But reading that letter made it a whole lot more real.
When I thought of Kayleigh Moore I had never once thought ‘victim’. The way she walked around - with her head held high and the don’t-fuck-with-me glare stamped everlastingly on her face - she was nothing like the picture of the weak timid person I had grown up with in mind when I thought of someone who was victimised by bullying.
But now it was blatantly clear.
The way people spread rumours about her, called her a bitch, and gave her a wide birth as she walked through the corridor, as if she was contagious.
Like being around her was something to be ashamed of.
“What happened between the two of you anyway?” Dylan asked, breaking me out of my thoughts. “One minute you’re following her around like a lost puppy, and the next you’re avoiding eye contact in the hallway.”
Chelsea glared at him harshly. “You can’t ask something like that!” She hissed.
“Why not?” He asked, glaring straight back at her.
Her eyes flicked cautiously towards me, and then back to Dylan. “What if it’s a sensitive subject?” She suggested. “You’re such a moron.”
“You’ve been asking the same thing!” He accused. “You’re dying to know!”
“But I don’t just spout out the question willy-nilly. There’s a certain amount of delicacy and subtlety that things like this have to be dealt with! God why are boys so dense?”
“We’re not dense girls are complicated.” He pointed out, earning himself another glare. “And Jayden here is a guy, so yeah I can just ask him what I’m thinking rather than listen to your stupid girl technique.” He said girl like it was a disgusting word, which had Chelsea furious.
“You’re so insensitive.” She glowered. “It’s a wonder you have a girlfriend at all.”
Dylan rolled his eyes and turned to me. “You don’t mind do you, bro?” He asked.
And I didn’t mind,so I just shrugged my shoulders.
“See.” Dylan gloated making me wince a little. “So what did happen?” He asked turning back to me.
I reached forward towards my bottle of water that was resting on the table. Not thirsty. Just needing something to do with my hands. I stared at the bottle as I rolled it between my palms, thinking of how to answer the question.
What had happened?
I wasn’t sure I liked the way he said I followed around like a lost puppy, but there wasn’t anyway to describe. She hadn’t wanted my friendship; I had been desperately seeking out hers.
Why was I only just realising this now?
Of course she hadn’t wanted to be my friend. She had told me that over and over. But I had thought I had worn her down just a little. But now…with the way she had so easily cut me off…the way she had told me with a completely serious and honest face that she still didn’t want to be friends…
It hurt. It didn’t make sense, but it hurt a lot.
It hurt knowing she just didn’t care even a little. It hurt reading that letter about her. It hurt just knowing those letters like the one I had read existed.
Worse that she kept them.
How hadn’t I known before? She had said she had gotten a lot of them, and from more than one person… So why was this the first time I found out about them?
Was I the only one who had been in the dark? I and never cared to pay attention to Kayleigh in the past. How long had this been happening?
Unable to help myself I had to ask. I had to know.
“Do you guys know anything about the letters that people stick to Kayleigh’s locker door?” I had to practically spit out the word ‘letters’ letters seemed so inadequate an explanation.
My question was met with silence, forcing me to glance up at my friends who were now watching me intently, no, not friends, just Chelsea. Dylan was looking at me like I had lost my marbles.
“Letters?” He asked, sounding half amused and half ticked-off. “This was some lovers tiff about some guy sending her love notes?” He asked.
I winced, ignoring the phrase ‘lovers tiff’ and concentrating on the ‘love notes’ part. I had made the same mistake.
I shook my head grimly. How much different things would be if they had have been. Right now I would probably be outside, trying to force bad jokes upon Kayleigh. Or maybe I would be subtly throwing questions at her as she ate.
Because she was always so much more willing to talk to me when she was eating. I didn’t understand it, but I didn’t question it either. I’m not even sure she noticed it about herself, and I had never wanted to bring it up in case she started clamming up instead of answering my questions.
And some part of me was just desperate to know about her.
There was something missing. Something that should be so plain to see, but no matter how hard I looked, I couldn’t see it. That’s what bothered me so much. It shouldn’t be that hard to read someone.
Kayleigh had closed herself off intentionally. That much I was confident of.
“They’re not love notes.” Chelsea answered for me, capturing my full attention for the first time today. There was something about the way she spoke that let me know she knew.
She knew all about the letters.
“Then what are they?” Dylan asked, raising an eyebrow.
I was just as interested to hear her answer. To hear how she knew. I wanted an explanation so badly.
But that wasn’t what I got. Instead I got a distant shrug. She didn’t even look up from her food. “People sometimes write her rude letters and stuff.”
Understatement.
If a bus were to hit you tomorrow, who would even miss you?
“Rude letters?” Dylan questioned, wrinkling his nose. He clearly hadn’t heard of it happening either.
Chelsea glanced up at him again. “It’s a girl thing.” She said, going as far as shrugging her shoulders.
How could she do that? How could she just brush it off?
I felt physically sick.
‘It’s a girl thing’. The sentence alone made me angrier than before. Just that phrase. That didn’t make up for anything.
Fighting for a pair of shoes. Painting nails. Gossiping. Those fell under the category of ‘it’s a girl thing’. But this? The letters?
It wasn’t a girl thing. It was purely sick.
If a bus were to hit you tomorrow, who would even miss you?
I could now remember the elegant curve of the letters. The small print effeminate handwriting, that had been cleanly scripted across the paper.
‘A girl thing’.
I didn’t feel hungry at all anymore, and I was grateful when the lunch bell went off, signalling the start of the next lesson.
I’d never wanted to hurt a girl so badly in my life. Or ever in fact. But right then. Knowing that someone had written that letter with such malicious intent. I could have easily seen myself punching whoever it was.
If a bus were to hit you tomorrow, who would even miss you?
I couldn’t picture it being easy not to. Not even knowing it was a girl.
Without even saying a proper goodbye, I stood sharply from the lunch table, forcibly slinging my bag onto my shoulder, hearing my text books and pens rattle inside.
Not even fully realising I was doing it until disappointment set into my heart, my eyes scoured the corridors for the familiar stream of red hair. But I couldn’t see her anywhere.
Damn it. I wanted to scream, kick, punch something.
If a bus were to hit you tomorrow, who would even miss you?
Would anyone care that you were gone?
Would anyone notice?
My heart clenched as the words span on repeat in my head, some part of me still hoping to see her in the corridor somewhere, looking for me. A stupid wish really. I wasn’t even sure why I wanted it so badly.
If a bus were to hit you tomorrow, who would even miss you?
I would, I thought. I would miss her. I would care. I would notice.
Whoever wrote that note was wrong. Because I would.