Alec knew he needed to leave the Institute. He knew it was past time he returned to Magnus's apartment, to explain in as few words as possible what had happened without spilling every detail, to give him the excuse that he had been preparing in his mind for hours--that he had spent most of the afternoon discussing methods of attack on Valentine with his sister and Clary. He would tell Magnus that Jace hadn't needed to speak with him after all, that it was Isabelle's hands that had typed a message using his phone, knowing without a hint of doubt that Alec would only leave Magnus's side if he thought Jace was in trouble.
This wasn't the case, of course. The truth was that Alec had spent the day at the Institute never leaving Jace's bedroom, wrapped up in the other man's embrace and kissing him for as long as he would allow, the one-night rendezvous created in Washington paling in comparison to this bout of pure passion, Alec's hunger and desire for Jace now becoming something mutual that the Parabatai shared.
Night had fallen, and the moonlight trickled in through the open blinds covering the picture window in the center of the wall, turning Jace's bronze hair to a deep silver. His one brown eye was deepened to the color of hazel, the shade of a summer sky just before a thunderstorm tore across the heavens, while the blue had been transformed into that of a shimmering mountain lake, so much so that Alec could see his reflection staring back at him through it.
"What are we going to do?" Alec had been repeating these same six words endlessly and repetitively, a broken record of confusion and apprehension that played over and over again. "How are we going to tell the others?"
"I've told you," Jace smiled reassuringly, leaning down to brush his lips gently against Alec's collarbone. "We don't have to tell anyone."
"We do," Alec countered. "Izzy, Clary, Magnus..." Something flashed in the back of his mind when he mentioned Magnus's name, almost like a warning, but it vanished before Alec could get a definitive grip on it. "It's better they find out from us than from someone else."
Jace laughed, that sarcastic, self-assured laugh that Alec both loathed and loved at the same time. "Have you not heard what I've been telling you for the past three hours, Alec? This is our secret. No one has to know, and therefore, no one has to judge."
Alec sighed deeply, but didn't press the matter any further, instead resting his head against Jace's chest, listening to his heartbeat and the rise and fall of each breath he took. Every so often, he would feel Jace's pulse jump, as if there was a living creature inside of his bloodstream, threatening to be released at any moment. It was strange, abnormal, and it caused a rush of fresh anxiety to wash over Alec, replacing the sheer bliss that had previously resided within him. The shock of that afternoon's events was slowly starting to wear off, erasing the numbness and filling his veins with a sensation that resembled that of ice water being thrown on his skin. Alec was beginning to realize that something, even if he couldn't pinpoint what exactly that something was, was terribly and dreadfully wrong. This wasn't right; no matter how hard his heart was fighting to tell him otherwise, his brain was alerting him to the wrongness in the way Jace was holding him, his arms wrapped so tightly around Alec's waist that it prevented even the slightest bit of movement. He was holding him here, holding him down and keeping him from leaving--and Alec wasn't certain if he wanted to leave. He needed to, but this was Jace he was with, after all. The Jace that he had loved since he was a child, the Jace that had managed to capture him in ways he never thought a person could be captured. The Jace that Alec had been so helplessly and deeply infatuated with that it often felt as if he was unable to breathe when he was around him. The Jace that would never love him back.
Alec's eyes, which had been closed with a sort of contentment that came only from the touch of someone he never thought would want to touch him, snapped open as if awakened from a deep sleep. He began to sit up, temporarily forgetting about the iron-like grasp the other man still maintained, and was pulled back down by a still-smiling Jace. It was a wrong smile, however, a dark, twisted, almost sinister grin that made Alec's blood run cold. He couldn't deny that he wanted this, feeling as if his heart would shatter into pieces if he allowed himself to leave Jace's side, but in that same sense, he also knew that he had no other choice. He wanted to leave, to run, even if he had no idea what he was running from or where he was running to. With every sliver of moonlight that rose forward in the sky Alec was regaining a grip on the rationality he had lost, and with every second that passed he was starting to understand that no matter what he wanted to believe, he didn't belong here. He belonged back at the apartment across town, in the arms of the man who felt more like home to him than a building ever could, the warlock who he had managed to fall in love with so honestly deeply, so purely that not even his affection for Jace could compare--after all, his feelings for the blonde-haired boy had been strictly one-sided, an unrequited affair and, Alec realized, he had preferred it this way. He didn't belong with Jace, not truly; Jace belonged with Clary, belonged with her in the same way Alec belonged with Magnus, and he hadn't accepted either of these truths until now.
Alec belonged with Magnus. These words rang out in his brain until his ears began to ring, and as he stared at the cracked tile of the ceiling above Alec understood something that he had been denying ever since he had laid down with Jace. He missed him. He missed the way Magnus loved him, missed the feeling of being someone's everything, but more importantly, Alec missed the way he felt when he was with Magnus, as if all of the stars and planets had aligned and all was okay in the world, that a single kiss from the warlock could erase all of the planet's evil and make everything right again.
It was ironic, Alec thought, that when he had first started dating Magnus what felt like a lifetime ago, everytime he would touch him, he would imagine Jace instead. He had thought that loving anyone besides Jace Wayland was impossible, that he would spend the rest of his life miserable due to the pain of not being able to be with the one he wanted most. Things had changed since then, both in Alec's mind and his heart, and he had been so caught up in loving someone who would never feel the same way that he had ignored what was right in front of him. He had ignored how special Magnus was, how beautiful, how truly magical he was.
"Jace," Alec said suddenly, and Jace murmured a reply against his hair, his fingers tightening instinctively against his own, as if he knew what was coming. "Jace, I can't do this."
"What do you mean, you can't do this?" There was a bitter edge to Jace's voice now, and Alec flinched instinctively. "I must not have heard you correctly."
Alec shook his head, as if the action would rid his mind of the worries and fears currently plaguing it. "No, Jace, you heard me correctly. I can't do this. This isn't right, and--I need to leave. I need to be with Magnus."
Jace pulled back, and his eyes flashed with rage. "You don't need to be with anyone but me. Isn't this what you wanted?" His lips curled up into a smirk. "Aren't I what you wanted? What was it that you told me last night..." he brought a finger to his chin in contemplation, remembering. "Oh, that's right. You told me that no matter what happened, you would never stop loving me. Did you lie, Alec? Did you lie to me?"
Alec struggled to free himself, but it felt as if there were invisible chains holding him in place. "No, Jace, but I--I love Magnus. You know that." He paused, wincing against the sharp pain that began radiating throughout his chest, a burning sensation that resembled a knife dipped in scalding flames being pressed against his bare skin. "If you'd think about it, Jace, you'd realize that you don't love me. You love Clary, and she loves you."
"Clary," Jace rolled his eyes. He was sitting on the end of the bed now, staring down at Alec with amusement evident on his chiseled features. "Clary is my sister, Alec. I can't love her."
"You do, though," Alec's breath was ragged and uneven, and he felt as if with every second that ticked by, another ounce of precious oxygen was being snatched from his lungs, rendering him speechless and breathless. He knew he should scream, for Isabelle or his parents or even Clary, but then again, what would he say if they came for him? That Jace had gone insane and was trying to tell him that he was in love with him? "You love Clary more than you've ever loved anyone. You can try and tell me that the conversation we had about her in Washington was a lie, but you and I both know it wasn't. You meant every word. I could see it in your face."
Jace chuckled, but it was no longer his laugh. It was dark, like the howl of a demon, and as he leaned towards Alec once more, he was shocked and frightened to find that his eyes were pitch black, an endless tunnel of midnight and evil and death. "You don't know who I love, Alec," his lips were inches from Alec's now, and in an act that completely went against everything he had desired for countless years, he turned away in disgust. "and I'm sorry that you can't understand that I want you."
He kissed Alec, a forced, painful kiss, his fingers clenching tightly to Alec's cheeks so that he was unable to move. With feeble motions Alec clenched his fists and beat against Jace's chest with everything he had, trying desperately to push him away although it felt as if each strand of energy he had left was slowly fading, dwindling until there was nothing left. Distractedly, Alec wondered if this was how he was going to die, and he fought the urge to laugh at how fitting of a situation it would have been--for his downfall to be his love for the man he'd never be able to have. He had always said that his love for Jace was the one demon he could never destroy, after all, the solitary war against himself that, in the end, Jace would always win.
As if being burned away by fire, the edges of Alec's vision began to swim and fade, darkness beckoning him with painful whispers of release and calm. The last thing he remembered before he succumbed to the black whirlpool around him was the taste of poison on Jace's lips, and the haunting glow of the moon outside of their window.
-----
Alec wasn't certain when he found consciousness again. He had been drifting in and out of a deep, comatose sleep for what could have been hours, days, or even months, and when his eyes opened for the second and final time he found himself staring at a red painted roof, curtains with designs of rainbow stripes blowing inwards from the breeze of an open window and sending currents of cold, refreshing air towards his damp, sweat-covered skin. Dazedly, he blinked against the bluriness in his vision, and when he realized where he was he sat up with so much haste that if it hadn't of been for his lightning quick reflexes, he would have knocked over the man staring down at him with unmasked alarm and concern. "Alexander," Magnus breathed, relief evident in his tone. "I was starting to wonder if the spell had been a failure."
"The spell?" Alec repeated, uncomprehending. "I don't...what spell?" He looked around again, as if the answers to his unspoken questions had been written in paint on the walls. "What happened?"
"You were attacked," Magnus said softly, and it was apparent that he was struggling with himself, fighting between the urge to stay where he was and the urge to move towards his injured boyfriend. "by a demon. I had to look through hundreds of spell books before I found one that would heal you, and even then..." Magnus trailed off into silence, an uncharacteristic expression of fear on his face, that beautiful, lovely face that Alec had been dreaming of. "I feared you wouldn't awake, Alexander. I feared that I found you too late, that the poison had already spread to your heart and there was nothing I or any other source of magic could do for you."
Alec realized he was lying in the bed in his and Magnus's bedroom, and now it was his turn to breathe a sigh of relief. "I'm home," he whispered, more to himself than to the worried man in front of him. "I'm home."
Magnus tilted his head in confusion, glitter raining down to the carpet as he did so. "What was that, my dear?"
"I said--" Alec began, and then shook his head. "You know what? It doesn't matter." Leaning forwards, he clasped both hands around the back of Magnus's neck, pulling him down so that he was on top of him. With a smile, he pressed his lips against his, and everything about it was familiar, from the sweet way he tasted to the feeling of his silky black hair tangled in his fingertips, to the way his body pressed against his felt like a missing piece of a puzzle Alec hadn't even realized he needed the other half of. After a few moments Alec pulled away, still smiling, and Magnus couldn't help but chuckle in amusement. "What in the world was that for? Not that I'm complaining, but that was quite a way of greeting me, Alexander."
Alec swallowed against the lump in his throat, the one that came with the realization that he was back, back with Magnus and back where he belonged. "I love you, Magnus. Please, don't ever forget that. I love you, more than you will ever know."
Magnus, who had both arms on either side of Alec's head, repositioned himself so that he could look into his boyfriend's eyes. "I know you do, and I hope you know that no matter how much you think you love me, I will always love you more." He paused, obviously seeing something in Alec's gaze that he hadn't been aware he was showing. "Are you alright, darling? You seem as if there's something bothering you. You seem--disturbed, somehow."
"I'm fine," Alec whispered, and it was the first time he had said it, and meant it, in what felt like decades. He struggled to remember what had happened before he had awoken, but it was as if a wall had been put in his brain, blocking out any memories of what had transpired. "Magnus, what happened? How did you know that I had been attacked? How did you find me?"
Magnus half-smiled, using a polished fingernail to soothingly trace lines on Alec's forehead. His touch eased the other man immediately, and slowly, he began to believe that no matter what had happened, he was safe now, feeling more protected in Magnus's presence than even the most toughest of Shadowhunter gear. "I could find you no matter what, Alexander, for you are a part of me. In darkness, in sickness, even in death, I'd always know where you were, and whether or not you were alright. I waited for you to return from the Insitute for only minutes before I realized that you had never made it there. The demon--it was a type of memory demon, the worst and most vile of all of Hell's creatures--had snuck up on you, and you never had a chance to fight back. You lost so much blood, Alexander, and I was truly beginning to think..." Tears were shining in Magnus's eyes, and he rubbed them with the back of his hand absently, smearing mascara across his face as he did so. "I was beginning to think you wouldn't return to me. Memory demons have a way of holding their victims until they're finished with them, and although it may not feel like it to you, you have been unconscious for almost forty-eight hours. These, Alexander, have been the worst two days of my existence, and that is saying something, seeing as I have existed for countless centuries, through unimaginable pain and heartbreak--but losing you, Alexander Lightwood, is the thing I fear the most, the one source of sorrow I doubt I could ever recover from."
"I won't leave you," Alec promised. "not until the Angel decides to call me back to Heaven, that is." He was silent, before something else Magnus had said came back to him. "You said it was a memory demon that attacked me, and that they keep hold of their victims until they're finished with them. What does that mean, exactly? What do they do?"
"They take the desires of your heart and twist them," Magnus replied sadly. "They take what you think you want and make them something wrong, something evil. Shadowhunters have been driven to suicide because of these particular demons, and I'm so relieved that I managed to retrieve you from it before it took your soul, once and for all."
Took your soul, once and for all. Alec now understood that none of what he had imagined with Jace had been real, and instead of feeling disappointed as he usually would, he felt, inexplicably, relieved. It had been nothing more than a hallucination created by the hands of a demon, one who knew that Jace was what Alec thought he desired most and morphing it into his worst fear--being torn away from Magnus.
"Magnus," Alec said suddenly, and Magnus squeezed his hand reassuringly. "Yes, my dear? I'm here."
"Good," Alec breathed. "I promised you I will never leave you. Will you--will you promise that you'll never leave me?"
Magnus smiled, a blinding, dazzling smile that was the singlehandedly most stunning thing Alec had ever witnessed. "Alexander, you have my word that no matter what, there is nothing or no one in this world that could ever make me even think about leaving you. I love you, and I will love you for the rest of my life, eternally, unconditionally, and forever."
"I want you to know something," Alec spoke with conviction, with the knowledge that what he was saying was what his heart wanted, that what he was saying was true. "Ever since we started dating, you've had the understanding that I've only loved you with half of my heart, and that the other half has belonged to Jace. For a while, that was indeed the case; I thought that loving anyone as much as I loved him was impossible, that I would never meet someone who made me realize that what I feel for Jace is wrong. Then, Magnus, I met you, and I realized that loving you...loving you is right. It's true. In fact, it's the truest, most reliable thing in my life. I guess what I'm saying is that although it's true that Jace Wayland was my first love, I want you to be my last and final love, Magnus. He was my past, but you are my present, and you are going to be my future. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, which sounds a bit extreme seeing as we've only been truly dating for a little over a month, but..."
Magnus pressed a finger gently to Alec's lips, quieting him. "Alexander Lightwood," he began, that same smile still present on his features, his eyes sparkling like a million Christmas lights in the middle of June. "I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life if you weren't planning on being by my side." He leaned forward, connecting his lips with Alec's in another tender kiss, and piece by piece, Alec felt as if everything that had ever been broken inside of him was healing.
Magnus reached over and softly wrapped his arms around Alec's waist, and whereas Jace's grasp had been like a prison, Magnus's touch was nothing but protective, as if he could singlehandedly shield him from all of the danger the world had to offer--and maybe, Alec realized, he could. "I love you, Alexander Lightwood," Magnus whispered against his skin, and in that moment, Alec wondered how warlocks could be part-demon when, in his opinion, Magnus was nothing but an angel, a gift from Heaven sent down to bless the parts of his life Alec didn't think he'd ever see fulfilled.
"I," Alec smiled widely, leaning into Magnus's embrace and closing his eyes, reveling in his warmth. "I love you, Magnus Bane."