It was fortunate that Dr. Octavius was wearing his oversized work goggles, otherwise the chicken's talon would have surely scratched out one of his eyeballs.
"Now calm down, Esther," he whispered as he stroked her feathers soothingly.
He was trying to coax the chicken to mate with a small tree monkey. To that end he had borrowed an old record player from his niece and thrown on a Barry White album. He had also lit a couple of candles in the hopes of creating a romantic atmosphere. So far he had not been successful. The monkey had been willing. Too willing actually, as he had humped Dr. Octavius's leg on numerous occasions. The chicken, on the other hand, was proving to be a little prudish. When she wasn't squawking and struggling against him, she was huddled on the corner of the table refusing to make eye contact.
"Come on, Esther, don't be shy," Dr. Octavius said softly. "Michelangelo is a nice monkey. You know, most girls would be thrilled to have a man as gentlemanly as Michelangelo. No, Michelangelo, don't throw feces at her. That's no way to win her affection. Hasn't anyone ever taught you how to woo a lady?"
He was suddenly interrupted by a knock on his door. "Can I help you?" he called out as he stopped the music.
The door opened part-way and his niece Sarah poked her head in. "Hi. Are you busy?"
"You know I'm never too busy for a visit with you. Come on in." His face fell imperceptibly when he saw she had brought along her boyfriend Vance. He didn't care much for Vance with his greasy long hair pulled back into a pony tail. Or his irritating tendency to flex his muscles at every opportunity. Worst of all, Vance showed no interest in science, or anything academic for that matter, which was tantamount to a cardinal sin in Dr. Octavius's book. He really didn't know what Sarah saw in the guy.
Of course few men could have lived up to Dr. Octavius's exacting standards for his niece. Having raised her from a very young age after her parents died in a car accident, she was more like a daughter to him.
"Did you forget to put on a shirt again this morning?" Sarah asked. Sometimes she was more like a mother to him as well.
Dr. Octavius looked down at the sparse patch of white hair that poked out from underneath his lab coat. "I guess I did. I get so caught up in my experiments I forget about the every day details. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Probably starve to death," Sarah smiled back at him sweetly.
"So to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" he asked.
"Oh, I'm sorry to bother you. I was wondering if you were finished with the record player? Vance just bought a record at a garage sale that he wants to listen to."
"Doesn't Vance have his own record player?" Dr. Octavius asked.
"Of course he does, silly. But he lives on the other side of town and he doesn't want to drive all the way over there. It's okay if you're still using it. We can wait until later"
"But sugar lips, I want to listen to my record now," Vance whined.
"It's okay, Sarah," Dr. Octavius sighed. "It doesn't appear to be doing me much good. Esther here just doesn't seem to know how to love. Michelangelo, on the other hand... say, where is Michelangelo?"
Seeing a new opportunity to be amorous, the monkey had hopped off the table and begun humping Vance's leg. "What the hell?" Vance shouted as he noticed what was happening. He shook the monkey off and then tried to kick him in the head. Michelangelo scattered out of the way and unleashed a barrage of monkey chatter.
"Oh, I apologize for Michelangelo's behavior," Dr. Octavius sputtered as he gathered up the monkey in his arms. "He didn't mean anything by it. He's just a little frustrated. He's revved up and ready to go but his mate just won't put out."
"Fortunately I don't have that problem," Vance smiled obnoxiously as he slapped Sarah on her rear end. The corners of Dr. Octavius's lips turned slightly downward as he made a mental note he'd have to devise some sort of experiment involving Vance and numerous sharp objects.
"This place is a mess," Sarah said. "Do you need me to help you clean it up, Uncle Oscar?"
Dr. Octavius scratched his frizzy white hair as he looked around. He had been so intent in his work he hadn't realized what a disaster area his laboratory had become. Broken flasks littered the shelves and pizza boxes buzzing with flies covered the floor. Some sort of green liquid was eating a hole in the floor near where his standard issue Acme brand "skeleton-on-a-pole" hung. Even the diploma he had received from the mad scientist correspondence course hung crookedly on the wall and for some reason seemed to have a streak of spray paint across it.
"It is a bit untidy, isn't it? Well don't worry about it. That's what I pay Zeke for." He paused and blinked his eyes contemplatively. "Speaking of which, where is that boy? He should be here by now. Good lab assistants are so hard to find these days."
"Yeah, well that's a shame," Vance said as he unplugged the record player. "I'll just be taking this now. I can't wait to listen to my new album. It's Volume 4 of the Classics of Gangsta Rap series: Fuck Them Bitches and other hits. Should be great."
"Well, you kids have fun. I have more work to do around here."
"I'll see you later, Uncle Oscar," Sarah said as she kissed him on the cheek. "If you need anything just give me a ring."
"See you, sweetie," Dr. Octavius said.
"Come on, baby doll, let's blow this dump," Vance said as he put his arm around her waist and escorted her out.
"Well," Dr. Octavius sighed to himself. "That was a nice break, but we've got to find a way to get you turned on, Esther. Oh no, don't hump the test tube, Michelangelo. Put it down. That's a good monkey."
* * *
Zeke's alarm clock went off and he rolled over and hit the snooze button. A minute later one of his eyes slowly opened and he glanced at the time. Realizing it was 2PM and he was supposed to have been up over five hours ago he sat straight up and grasped his throbbing head. There was no denying it. He was suffering one doozy of a hangover. He threw the covers aside and hopped out of bed crunching an opened bag of potato chips under his feet. His room was a complete mess, strewn with empty beer bottles, dishes caked with old food, unpaid bills, dirty laundry, and various books he'd started to read, but never finished.
He stumbled groggily into the bathroom and began his mundane daily morning rituals. There wasn't much in the way of hot water in the shower, except for when it decided to suddenly scald him with a quick blast before turning ice cold. The water pressure left a lot to be desired and it barely mustered up enough strength to wash the shampoo out of his hair. But such was life in a cheap apartment. The cracked mirror was steamed up from the shower, making it difficult to see well enough to comb his hair. He squeezed an empty tube of toothpaste until a tiny little splurt came out. "That ought to last me a few more days," he thought as he set the tube aside and brushed his teeth vigorously. He believed in milking his toothpaste to the last drop.
He popped a couple of aspirin in the hopes of curing his hangover and went to search for a clean pair of underwear. Failing in that mission, he was forced to throw on his least-dirty pair. Looking in his closet the only items of clothing that were clean were a pair of brown shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. He threw them on, slipped into his dirty tennis shoes and headed out the door. He had to walk to work since he didn't own a car.
Zeke was twenty-five years old and not really sure where he was headed in life. He considered himself a reasonably intelligent guy, but he lacked direction, so he found himself continuously moving from one crappy job to another. His latest occupation found him being a lab assistant/janitor to some crazy old scientist. He liked the guy okay, even if he was a bit kooky, but the real motivation that kept Zeke going was the scientist's niece Sarah. She came by the lab frequently and he thought she was absolutely stunning. Alas, it was an unrequited passion.
Zeke had first made her acquaintance through an anthropology class they had both taken at the local university. He liked to think of himself as a worldly man, but for some reason he became completely tongue-tied around her and had never worked up the nerve to ask her out. Besides she had some jock boyfriend who she was always with.
Sadly, more than three years later, very little had changed about the situation. Sarah was always friendly and outgoing towards him and she often touched him when she talked to him, which turned Zeke's brain to jelly. This, unfortunately, did not allow him to be much of a conversationalist in her presence, and he had the nagging feeling that she thought he was retarded.
He arrived at Dr. Octavius's lab after walking for about twenty minutes. As fate would have it, Sarah was coming out at the same time that he was entering. Unfortunately her goon of a boyfriend had his arm wrapped around her. In the other arm he carried a record player.
Sarah's eyes brightened and she flashed a wide smile when she saw him. "Hi Zeke, how are you doing?"
"Um, good. I'm good." He smacked his head. Why couldn't he think of anything else to say?
She looked at her watch. "Aren't you a little late today?" She continued to smile broadly.
"Yes. Yes I am." He felt himself beginning to sweat and turn red.
"Hey babe, would you put this in the car for me?" Vance said as he handed her the stereo.
"Sure, honey," she said as she stood on her toes and gave Vance a kiss on the lips. Zeke really wished she wouldn't do that in front of him. She took the record player and walked off, leaving Zeke alone with Vance.
An awkward silence settled in. Zeke didn't feel like there was much common ground here. Vance was rich, confident, good-looking, athletic, and popular with the ladies. Zeke, on the other hand, was broke, self-conscious, starting to sport a bit of a beer belly, and hadn't been on a date in months.
"So," Zeke attempted to make conversation. "Who was that girl I saw you with at the bar the other night? She was very pretty, is she a co-worker of yours or something?"
Vance grabbed Zeke by the front of his shirt and lifted him off the ground. "That was a piece of tail I'm banging on the side," Vance snarled. "I'm doing half the bitches in this town and if you say anything to Sarah I'll bust your stupid fucking face in, got me?"
Zeke nodded quickly and Vance released him. Zeke rubbed the back of his neck and stared at the ground. He decided not to pursue any further conversation.
After a minute Sarah finally returned. "You ready to go, honey?"
Vance responded by grabbing her rear and sticking his tongue in her mouth. They kissed passionately for a bit and then she giggled and pulled away. "Well, it was really good to see you again, Zeke. Vance and I have to get going now, but we'll see you later."
"Yeah, great," Zeke said as his shoulders sank. He wandered into the lab where Dr. Octavius waited for him.
The good doctor looked up as he walked in. "Ah there you are, my boy. I need you to help me out with this experiment. Esther is being unresponsive. I'll hold her legs apart. I need you to stimulate her genital region. With your hand. Maybe we can get her in the mood."
"Great," Zeke muttered to himself. "Seducing a chicken. So this is what my life's come to."
"What's that son?" Dr. Octavius asked cheerfully.
"Nothing," Zeke muttered as he leaned over and began rubbing Esther's crotch. "Nothing at all."
* * *
The next day Zeke woke up fully dressed on his sofa. The television was still on and filling the screen was some lady with big poofy hair who was demonstrating an amazing new device that could apparently cut through anything. He felt a little groggy, but free of a hangover despite the events of the previous evening. He shuddered in disgust at the memory of the various seduction techniques Dr. Octavius had made him perform upon the chicken. As soon as he got off work he had gone to the Watering Hole, his favorite bar. Upon drinking himself into an alcoholic stupor he had stumbled home and immediately broken into his stash of cheap beer. He had collapsed upon his sofa, turned on the television, and turned off his mind until he eventually passed out.
He pulled himself to his feet and wandered into the bathroom to begin his usual morning routine, except a quick glance at his alarm clock revealed that it was no longer morning, but well into the afternoon. "Shit, overslept again," he mumbled and quickly stripped down and hopped in the shower.
Realizing that he had reached the end of his laundry supply and that clothes worn only once were still relatively clean, he recycled the brown shorts and Hawaiian shirt combination he had worn the day before.
The walk to work was uneventful and he spent the time wondering how he'd allowed himself to slip so far below his expectations for his life. He had always assumed that by the time he was twenty-five he'd be successful with a high paying job and a supermodel girlfriend. Instead he found himself stuck in a series of degrading tasks that were going nowhere and his last girlfriend had dumped him for a clown from a circus that had come through town. He couldn't believe he'd lost out to someone named Coco.
By the time he arrived at the good doctor's lab he had worked himself into a mild state of depression. He was taken completely aback when he walked in to see no sign of Dr. Octavius, but instead saw Sarah sitting in a chair reading a book.
She looked up and smiled when he entered. "Hi there, Zeke, you working the late shift now or what?"
"No, um, just been so busy doing stuff that I've lost track of the time. I live a very active existence, you know." Considering that he'd actually stayed up too late drinking beer and watching bad movies on TV, he figured a small lie was the best course of action in the current situation.
"Really?" Sarah continued to stare into his eyes with a look of genuine interest. "What sort of stuff are you doing?"
Zeke felt himself turning red. "Oh, you know, the usual. Volunteering my time at the hospital. Reading to the elderly, helping out sick children, donating sperm." Zeke crinkled his face in confusion. What the hell had he just said? It all tumbled out so fast he hadn't had time to think it over first.
Fortunately Sarah apparently thought he was joking and laughed. "You're really funny, Zeke, you know that?"
Realizing he'd dodged a bullet he decided to change the subject. "So where's Dr. Octavius anyway?"
"He had to run out to the Mad Scientist's Depot to pick up some supplies. He asked me to watch over the lab until he got back. Vance is busy working out at the gym, so I figured I'd catch up on some reading."
"I see," Zeke mumbled. "So did he leave any instructions for what I'm supposed to be doing?"
"Not really," she said. "But I don't think he's working on his plan to mate Michelangelo and Esther today."
"Well, that's a relief," Zeke sighed. He glanced over at the chicken in its pen. If he didn't know better, he'd swear it was making goo-goo eyes at him.
"He was saying something about working on a top secret something or other," Sarah continued. "And I thought I heard him saying it was time to visit some city again, but I didn't really understand what he was talking about."
"I rarely understand what your uncle is talking about," Zeke commented.
Sarah was about to say something in response but was interrupted by a loud knocking on the outside door. A gruff voice shouted "Oscar Octavius, open up! We know you're in there!"
Zeke and Sarah exchanged confused glances. "What should we do?" Zeke asked.
"I suppose we'd better open the door," Sarah responded and hopped up from her chair.
She opened the door to reveal three large men wearing identical trench coats and dark glasses. They were all of a similar build and sported identical crew cuts, so it was difficult to distinguish them apart from each other. Their skin seemed to have a strange waxy quality and the expressions on their faces never wavered. It all combined to have an unsettling effect.
They burst into the lab without waiting for an invitation. "Where is Octavius?" the one in the middle demanded.
"He's out," Sarah said defiantly and stood in the men's way as tall as she could with her hands on her hips. Despite being shorter than the men by more than a heads length, she seemed an equally big presence.
"Step aside, little girl," the man said. "We have business with Oscar Octavius."
She folded her arms under her breasts and her face took on a look of determination. "I told you, he's out. If there's something you need to discuss you can talk to me."
The men stared at her and showed no sign of emotion on their unchanging faces. Finally the man on the right spoke up. "Maybe we should ask her about the toenails. Maybe she'd even have some clippers we could borrow."
The man in the middle, who seemed to be the leader, turned around and smacked him across the head before turning back to Sarah. "You tell Octavius we know he's been making unauthorized visits to Quartzwater City. He can't hide from us forever."
"That's preposterous," Sarah said. "He barely leaves his lab except to pick up supplies at the Mad Scientist's Depot. He hasn't been on a vacation out of town in years."
The men continued to look at her coolly, although the one on the right rubbed his jaw and muttered to himself.
"We'll be back," the man in the middle said and gave a nod of his head. All three turned around and disappeared out the door.
"Now what do you suppose that was all about?" Sarah asked.
"Beats me," Zeke said as he leaned back against the bookcase. Suddenly one of the books he was leaning on pushed inward with an audible click and the entire bookcase turned ninety degrees, revealing a large dark room behind it.
Sarah's eyes widened in amazement. "Did you know that was there?"
"Uh, no," Zeke said. "I've never seen this room before in my life."
"Neither have I," Sarah spoke in a near whisper. "I've never even heard my uncle mention anything about a secret room."
"Should we look inside it?" Zeke asked uncertainly.
"Do you think we should?" Sarah bit her lip.
"Well, I don't know. I wouldn't want to pry into your uncle's affairs. Maybe we should just close it back up and pretend we never found it."
"Maybe you're right," Sarah agreed.
Without warning they heard a loud screech from Michelangelo the monkey, who pushed open his unlocked cage and then darted past Zeke and Sarah into the dark secret room.
"Michelangelo!" Sarah shouted. "Bad monkey!" She looked over at Zeke. "Well, we have to go in there now to get him out."
"I suppose you're right," Zeke mumbled and peered cautiously into the darkness. "Maybe there's a light switch in here somewhere." He stepped into the room and felt along the wall. Suddenly his hand came upon a large lever. He pulled it downward and a huge blue spark flashed in the center of the room accompanied by a loud buzzing noise. The intense burst of the spark faded into a dull blue light that illuminated a wooden door suspended in mid-air.
"What in the world is that?" he heard Sarah ask from behind him as she entered the room.
"I have no idea," Zeke said in a voice that sounded small to his ears.
A loud screech filled the air and Zeke looked downward to see Michelangelo hopping around the base of the doorway excitedly. He seemed to be leaping toward the doorknob, trying to grab onto it and turn it. "Hey!" Zeke shouted. "Get away from there!" He ran up and scooped the monkey into his arms and then backed slowly away from the door.
"What do you suppose we should do?" Sarah asked softly.
"I think we should flip the lever back to the off position, shut the bookcase, and pretend we never saw this thing."
"Okay," Sarah said as Zeke handed the monkey to her.
He turned the lever off and then exited the room, closing the bookcase behind him. There was a moment of awkward silence as Sarah and Zeke looked at each other confusedly. Then Michelangelo wiggled free from Sarah's grasp, leaped onto Zeke's leg and immediately began gyrating his hips against it.
* * *
Dr. Octavius whistled to himself as he returned from his trip to the Mad Scientist's Depot. In one hand he carried a bag of new flasks and beakers and a large supply of dental floss. In the other he had a box of "Tennessee Sam's Chicken Aphrodisiac." The package said it was guaranteed to bring out the nymphomaniac in chickens nine out of ten times.
While in the store he had run into that snooty Dr. Wentworth from down the street. He had seemed so smug because he was building a monster out of dead animal parts he found on the road, but Dr. Octavius had had the last laugh. He wouldn't reveal what his project was and he could tell the curiosity was eating Dr. Wentworth alive. He chuckled to himself at the memory of Dr. Wentworth's face as he had been thwarted trying to sneak a peek inside Dr. Octavius's bag.
The good doctor stopped dead in his tracks at the bottom of the hill that led up to his laboratory when he spotted the three men in trench coats walking out the front door. He quickly ducked behind a hedge and waited for them to pass.
"I still don't understand why you had to hit me," the man on the right whined. The man in the middle turned around and smacked him again.
Dr. Octavius exhaled in relief as they disappeared around the corner. "So," he said aloud. "They've come for me, have they? Perhaps the time has come to push events into motion..."