Niall's house was already full to the brim with people for his annual barbecue. I could hear the bass from the DJ in the backyard. I shook my head and glanced down at Lucy. I probably should've left her at home considering the beer would be flowing freely but other kids would be there and I could take her home later if things got to be too much.
I pushed the front door open and glanced around to survey my surroundings. There were people everywhere, most of them I knew and they all smiled and waved when I walked in. Every window in the house was open as well as the glass folding doors opened from his kitchen out to the huge deck on the back of his house.
It was barely 2 and they'd already tapped into the 2nd keg. I sighed. This was definitely going to be one of those parties.
Niall jogged in from the kitchen and kissed my cheek. He picked Lucy up and balanced her on his hip,
"Hey...Fizzy is here. She's gonna watch all the kids." I nodded,
"Oh...ok."
Just as he finished, Fizzy ran in, pulled Lucy out of his arms and ran off with her. Fizzy had watched Lucy before, I had no real reason to be concerned.
Bobby, Niall's dad, gave me a quick hug and a hello before turning back to the grill to flip burgers. Johannah and her new husband were standing off to the side of the deck talking to Lottie and Louis.
Harry was seated at the table with Liam and Sophia. He glanced over at me, his smile faltering a bit before turning back to Liam and Sophia.
I hated this. Usually this would be the point where Harry would get up and make some kind of remark about how late I was or the fact that I was dressed in jeans when it was 90 degrees outside. I'd narrow my eyes at him and ask him if he missed me and make some comment about his hair and the humidity.
But this was entirely different now. He barely acknowledged my existence. It made me anxious and sad which was a combination I knew well but never in the presence of Harry. I sighed and grabbed one of the red Solo cups and filled it with beer. I would definitely need to be buzzed if this was going to continue this way.
------------------------
Once the sun went down, the activity in the house ramped up. It seemed that people kept arriving even though the house was already crowded. It took me 10 minutes to get to the bathroom and it was barely 50 feet away from me.
Lucy was having fun though and in the end that's all I really needed. She liked playing with Louis' sister and brother.
Someone had started a FIFA tournament on Niall's gaming system in the living room and every once in awhile the entire room would erupt into cheers and screams.
I stopped drinking after the third beer. I just wasn't in the mood. Harry was doing a really good job of giving me the cold shoulder and it bothered me more than I wanted it to. Especially considering all the things I needed to tell him.
It would be a lot easier to tell him these things if he wasn't already pissed off at me. A wish I could tell probably wasn't going to be granted.
Harry rarely got angry with people for anything. He generally went with the flow and avoided drama. But if there was one thing that would make Harry immediately cut someone out it was if he felt he was being lied to. Which made sense. Harry was a pretty understanding, non-judgmental individual. Why someone would choose to lie to him was something he just couldn't conceive of.
This was a big part of the reason I was so terrified to tell him about Lucy. He wouldn't understand why I'd kept it from him. I wasn't even sure I had adequate words to explain it to him.
I pulled the bathroom door open and ran smack into Niall as he headed towards his bedroom. He put his hands on my shoulders as I wavered a bit from the force of the blow,
"Whoa....sorry bout that, Em. Came lookin' for ya....someone said they saw ya come down this way."
I nodded as I straightened my shirt out,
"Was just using the toilet."
He studied me for a few moments. I could tell he was slightly drunk, but Niall could hold his liquor better than anyone I knew. He could've been three sheets to the wind and I never would've known it. He put his hand on my shoulder and gestured to the bedroom,
"C'mon....let's go talk."
I followed him reluctantly. Great, more talking. Just what I didn't want to do.
He closed the door when I walked in, muffling the music a bit. He set down his cup on the dresser and focused on me,
"Did ya think about talkin' to Harry some more?"
I nodded,
"Yes...it's all I think about."
"And?"
I shrugged,
"And I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell him. I don't know how to start the conversation. I don't know how to get him to stop looking at me like he wants to throw me off a cliff. I don't know...I don't know...." I repeated as I turned away. Niall quickly pulled me into his arms.
I laid my head against his chest and took a few deep breaths. Niall sighed,
"Em, he doesn't hate ya. He's just....all twisted up. He thinks he knows everythin' and he really doesn't know anythin'. Ya just gotta get him to listen to ya."
I pulled away. Getting him to listen to me was a lot harder than Niall was making it out to be. I turned towards the window and folded my arms over my chest as I stared out,
"I don't even know how to get my 4 year old child to listen to me much less an international pop star who thinks I've lied to him for our entire relationship even though I have, just not about what he thinks I lied to him about."
Niall pulled his eyebrows together in confusion,
"What?"
I closed my eyes and waved my hand,
"Nothing. It made sense in my head." I turned to look at Niall, "What if I tell him....and he goes after me for custody?" I whispered.
The thought had entered my head. Along with a million other scenarios that were a possibility. Would he explode and start screaming about me about lying to him? That was unlikely. In my entire 5 years of knowing him I don't think I'd ever heard him yell....unless he was doing it jokingly.
Would he cry? Fall to his knees and weep? Also unlikely. Harry was an emotional guy but he wasn't a crybaby.
Would he tell me I was a horrible human being? Damn me to hell for keeping him from his little girl? Lament all the things he'd missed out on because of my lies? Tell me he was going to take her away from me?
That was a much more likely scenario. Only because it's what I would have expected from any man in his position.
Niall shook his head,
"He wouldn't do that. He's not a vindictive kinda guy, Em. Ya know that."
I sighed,
"Anyone can get vindictive if the offense is egregious enough." I responded softly.
Niall quieted down. I could tell he had no come back for that.
It became evident in that room that there was very little Niall could do to help me. He knew it and it was making him insane. Niall had the money and resources to be able to make any situation better and it frustrated the hell out of him that this wasn't one of them.
He sighed,
"Ya gotta tell him....because if ya don't, he's gonna go on thinkin' another lie is the truth and be even more angry. A lie on top of a lie is worse, Em."
I nodded,
"I know I do. I know."
Both of us looked up when the music stopped outside the room. Niall sighed and rolled his eyes,
"Probably blew the breaker again....I'll be right back."
I followed Niall back out into the house. Once in the living room I was greeted by the view of Zayn shaking a few hands as he and Perrie walked through the crowd of people. The music had stopped because the DJ had come out from behind his table to say hello.
I felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. I glanced around the room, trying to find the one face I needed to see in the middle of all the faces I didn't care about. My eyes fell on Harry, standing over near the gaming system. The look on his face was indecipherable. I couldn't tell if he was happy or sad.
Harry walked towards Zayn, slapping his hand and knocking shoulders before stepping away to converse a bit. He almost seemed to be happy to see him and not at all irritated by the fact that he thought Zayn had been lying to him.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe things would be ok. I could talk to Harry, let him know that he was wrong about Zayn and all of this would turn out for the better.
I spoke too soon.
Harry's gaze landed on mine and his expression changed immediately. He cleared his throat and excused himself from the room and my heart sank.
I decided I needed to talk to Zayn. Maybe if I explained to him what was going on with Harry, he would talk to him about it.
I knew I was avoiding but I couldn't help it.
Zayn smiled as I approached him. He hugged me tight and pulled away to look around the house,
"Thanks for remindin' me about this, Em. I'm glad I came. It was good to see the lads again."
"Did you see Lou?" I asked softly.
Zayn nodded and looked down at his cup. I could tell he was a little upset,
"Yeah..." He looked up at me and shrugged, "He's still pretty mad."
I nodded,
"He'll get over it, Zayn. Just gotta give him a minute."
Zayn smiled weakly and shrugged,
"I dunno bout that, Em. Lou is a guy who's pretty set in his decisions." He shrugged, "How are things with you?"
"I'm ok. I got all the stuff for the wedding done." I glanced around to make sure no one was within earshot. I leaned towards him, "You get a chance to talk to her yet?"
Zayn shook his head,
"No. I don't know how to approach the subject with her."
I nodded. I knew that feeling all too well.
I heard Lucy call out for me and I turned to see her running into the room with Fizzy behind her. She immediately diverted her course from me when she saw Zayn and ran into his arms. He picked her up and kissed her gently,
"Hey, Baby." He said as he smiled. She reached forward and grabbed onto his necklaces,
"Zayn we go to the park again?"
"We can if you want to, Diz. We can do whatever you want."
She smiled as she continued to speak to him, her words coming out stilted as she fought for breath. He listened intently, much the way Harry did when she spoke.
My eyes widened.
Harry.
I felt the dread seep into my body immediately once I realized Harry was in the room. I glanced around to find him. It was almost 10 p.m. and Harry had been drinking all day. I'd never known him to be an angry drunk, but I knew he was already irritated by my presence. Couple irritation with drinking and those were the makings of an angry drunk no matter who you were.
My eyes finally found his and I started to shake. I knew what he was thinking just by the look on his face.
Harry looked incensed. I'd never seen him look so focused and just generally pissed off. There was also an underlying current of hurt on his face.
I watched him make his way towards Zayn and I started to shake my head. I walked towards him, pushing my hands against his stomach to push him back,
"Harry...it's not-"
"Just wanted to congratulate the happy father." Harry said, a smile laced with menace gracing his face.
I shook my head,
"It's not what you think. He's not her father."
He stopped then, focusing all of his anger on me,
"You said that." He responded, his voice raising slightly. People around us turned to look and I could feel my grip on the situation slipping. He shook his head, "And I told you I don't believe you."
I looked up at him,
"Please, don't do this. You're drunk and angry...and I know it's my fault. But please....let's just go-"
"Go what? Go somewhere so I can listen to some more lies? Is there anything else you have to lie about? I can't imagine."
I turned to look at Lucy. Zayn and Lucy seemed oblivious to the shit storm headed their way. Thankfully Niall wasn't. I watched as he walked towards them, pulling Lucy into his arms and disappearing with her.
I turned back to Harry,
"If you would just listen-"
"I don't wanna listen!" He slurred, throwing back a shot of something he'd been holding in his hand. He set the glass down on the counter next to him and looked at me, "What do ya want me to listen to, Em? How Zayn isn't her father? How you haven't been lying to me and everyone else since she was born? C'mon...let's hear it. What am I supposed to hear?"
I glanced around. The party around us had all but stopped. People had cleared out from being closer than a few feet to us, but they were all watching the scene in front of them like we were a TV show.
I saw Niall appear between Zayn and Lottie and I sighed before I turned back to Harry,
"He's not her father, Harry."
"You keep saying that. But I don't see any proof."
Where the hell was the DJ? Shouldn't he have been providing music to drown us out? I saw him standing a few feet behind Harry, also watching us argue and cursed him out in my head.
I looked back at Harry and I swallowed,
"Look at her Harry, she doesn't look anything like him. C'mon....you know this is crazy. He's not her father."
Harry thought for a moment and then nodded,
"You're right. Lucy doesn't look anything like him....but ya know who she does look like?" Harry looked around me to Niall and pointed to my best friend, "Niall. I mean....the blonde hair.....it makes sense right?"
I looked between him and Niall. It was clear to me then just how drunk he was. Harry knew Niall wasn't a real blonde. Niall took a step forward to say something and I held my hand up and shook my head. Harry let out a laugh laced with a slightly evil tone,
"Niall isn't her father either right? Maybe it's Liam.....or Louis. We all know Louis' potent. Congratulations, Luc....ya got a half brother or sister on the way." I stared back at him. I'd never heard Harry this way before. He focused on me, the smile now completely gone from his face, "Just how many members of this group have you slept with?" He asked, every word dripping with venom.
I heard a small gasp from the party goers and I looked down at my hands.
I felt all the fear I'd been so worried about earlier drain from me. If it had to be here, in front of a room full of people including his bandmates and their families, then so be it. I took a deep breath,
"You're her father." I said so confidently that I shocked even myself.
Everyone in the room was silent. You could've heard a pin drop. Harry let out an open mouthed laugh that filled the room,
"Me?" He said incredulously, "You expect me to believe that?"
I shrugged,
"I really don't care what you believe." I shot back, "Think about it. You know as well as I do what happened between us. You know when it was and you know when I got pregnant. So do the math...."
I watched as Harry's smile faded slowly while the realization hit him. I nodded,
"She looks just like you....minus the blonde hair. Which, just to let you know, I had blonde hair up until I was about 6 years old."
Harry reached out to steady himself against the counter. His drunken state was wreaking havoc on his ability to absorb what I was saying.
I glanced around at the people surrounding us and then looked back at him. No matter what he'd done to hurt me, I couldn't do anything else to hurt him. I'd kept him from Lucy and that was enough hurt for a thousand years. I put my hand on his shoulder,
"You're her father, Harry. She's yours."
He stumbled backwards and into a chair behind him. I watched as Johannah and Lottie surrounded him.
I knew the discussion had ended, at least for now. He was too drunk to discuss anything of any substance. It was even questionable whether or not he would remember any of this. But I'd finally done it, so doing it again wouldn't be so hard if I needed to. I felt like the world lifted up off my shoulders.
I looked over at Niall,
"Where'd you take her?"
He cleared his throat and offered me his hand,
"Downstairs." I took his hand and followed him until I found my little girl, happily playing with Doris in the corner of the basement.
We left after that.
------------------------
I don't know what happened at the party after we left. I took Lucy home, I gave her a bath, I read her a little bit of Catcher in the Rye (there was a note stuck to it sitting next to her bed explaining that this was next on her list. I knew it was from Harry without even reading the signature at the end) and then I kissed her and put her to bed.
She would get at least one more night where her normal wouldn't change. Because as soon as everyone woke up in the morning and realized what had happened, I was sure her entire life would change.
I can't say I didn't beat myself up on the drive home. I should have pulled Harry into another room. I should have allowed him to keep ranting, knowing full well no one in that party was paying any mind to it because he was so out of it drunk. I should have ignored him.
But I didn't.
And now the truth was out there and I couldn't do anything about it. I heard my phone buzzing on the counter and I looked down to see Niall's face flash across the screen. I wanted to send it to voicemail but I knew that he would just jump in his car and head over so I picked it up and put it to my ear,
"Hello?"
"Hey...." He said, "Just checkin' on ya."
"I'm fine. Lucy's asleep."
"Em-"
"You don't have to say it, Niall. I know."
He sighed,
"I was gonna say that I'm proud of ya. I know it wasn't easy."
I looked down at my feet,
"You're proud of me making a spectacle inside your party? Proud of me finally telling the truth about something that should've been dealt with years ago? Proud of me for essentially destroying the life of your band mate?" He was silent for a moment and I immediately felt bad, "I'm sorry." I whispered.
"I'm proud of ya for gettin the courage to do the right thing. Doesn't much matter to me how or where it happened."
I scoffed and looked up,
"Why do you always have such faith in me?"
I could hear him smile,
"Cuz you always have such faith in me." He responded. He took a breath, "I'll come over in the mornin'....take you and Diz out for breakfast ok?"
I nodded,
"Yeah."
We hung up a few moments later and I left the screen on my phone for a few more moments. I wished that at that moment a text from Harry would've popped up. Apologizing, telling me we would work it out, assuring me things were going to be ok.
But none of that happened. Or ever would happen. He didn't need to be sorry. I wasn't sure if we could work it out and things very possibly weren't going to be ok.
------------------------
I was in my bathroom when I heard the doorbell ring the next morning. Lucy came tearing out of her room screaming "UNCLE NIAAAALLLLL" the whole way to the front door. When he opened the door she launched herself into his arms and hugged him tight. Niall laughed as he took the steps inside and closed the door.
I walked out of my room, fixing my earring in my ear,
"Almost ready....just need my shoes."
Lucy hopped out of Niall's arms. He grabbed her Converse and knelt down to put her shoes on,
"Everythin' ok?" He asked softly.
I nodded as I balanced on one leg and pulled my sandal onto my foot,
"Yeah. I mean....I can't do anything now but wait right? Ball's in his court at this point. I don't even know if he remembers."
Niall raised his eyebrows as he finished tying Lucy's shoes and stood up,
"Oh...he remembers. I guarantee you that."
I froze,
"What do you mean?" Niall looked uneasy. His eyes darted around my front room and I let out an exasperated sigh, "Niall!"
He jumped slightly,
"He woke up this morning and he was....gutted."
"What do you mean? Gutted?"
I could tell Niall was trying his hardest to walk the line between the two of us. He didn't want to betray me to Harry and he didn't want to betray Harry to me. He shoved his hands in his pockets,
"He spent the night at my house. He was too sloshed to go anywhere. We barely got him into a room as it was. He passed out until he woke up this morning. And the first thing he did was ask where Lucy was."
I felt my heart sink. He remembered. I can't deny I had entertained the idea of trying to keep the lie going if he hadn't remembered. No matter how unlikely that might have been considering how many people in the room heard me tell him Lucy was his.
But he remembered. So....it didn't matter anyway.
Niall blinked a few times,
"I told him I was taking you for breakfast. I think if he hadn't looked like death....he might have tagged along. He didn't want to scare Lucy though."
A ball of tears appeared in my throat out of nowhere. Of course he would be concerned with Lucy. I don't even know why I would have expected anything else from him.
I leaned over and grabbed my bag and pulled it over my head. I reached out for Lucy and sighed,
"C'mon, Baby....let's go get some breakfast."
------------------------
Riding in Niall's black Range Rover back to my house after breakfast was an exercise in keeping myself calm. Would Harry be there when we drove up? Would he want to talk? I knew he would be around today, Harry was a father. If there was one thing I knew about him it was that being a father just became the most important thing in his life.
I was in for a helluva lot more talking. I was going to have to answer a lot of questions and explain a lot of things. I wasn't even sure if I could explain. I'd made these decisions 4 years ago when everyone's lives were so different. Would any of us be able to remember what it was like back then? What would've driven me to make this decision?
I don't even think I remembered what it was like back then. How different Harry's and my relationship was. It was certainly going to be interesting to hear myself try to spell out why I'd decided to keep a man from his daughter.
Niall followed me into the house, holding Lucy's hand while she hopped up each step. Once inside she ran off to her room, presumably to make a mess I would have to clean up later.
I shut the door and sighed as I walked by Niall on my way to the couch. He followed me and sat down. He watched me stew. I glanced at him,
"What?"
"You were quiet at breakfast."
I nodded as I flopped onto the couch.
"I didn't want to interrupt Lucy's story."
Niall shot me a look,
"Em-"
"I should've told you, Niall. But you have to understand why I didn't. When I decided not to tell Harry, I had to make sure that it never got out. If I told one person, then the dangerous aspect of what I was doing was ramped up by 1,000 percent. Then I'd have to remember who I told and.....I just....." I let my sentence trail off.
"Did ya think I was gonna tell him? I wouldn't have told him....I would have protected both of you."
I stayed quiet for a few moments. How could I have been so wrong about so many of the people that I loved? I turned to him, pulling my leg up on the couch,
"I'm sorry." I whispered, "I hope you know how much. I will never lie to you again....I don't care if it's even to tell you something you're wearing is great when I hate it."
He snickered,
"Oh so you'd let me go out onstage wearing crap, eh? Nice." He hugged me tight and then checked his watch,
"I gotta get goin'. Liam and Lou wanted to meet up for a songwriting pow wow."
I pulled my eyebrows together,
"Did you just say pow wow?"
He wiggled his eyebrows,
"Yep." He kissed the top of my head as he walked by and let the door close behind him after he walked out.
I was alone now. Waiting to find out what Harry was going to do would be like waiting for a category five hurricane to make landfall.
It was just a matter of time.
------------------------
Lucy was peacefully asleep in her bed. Her eyes closed so delicately it looked as though the slightest sound would wake her up. But I knew better. My child slept like the dead. It would take a tornado to wake her up and that was good. I needed her to be content and happy enough to sleep like that. None of this was going to touch her if I had anything to say about it.
I heard my phone ding and looked down to see a text message from Niall.
checkin in to make sure everything is ok
I smiled. He'd been so worried ever since leaving earlier this afternoon. I could tell he didn't know what to do so he just resorted to smothering both of us. Ordinarily it would've annoyed me that he was hovering so much, but I didn't mind it so much right now. Considering I was pretty positive everyone else hated me, I needed to know Niall didn't.
We're fine. Luc is asleep. Gonna get some work done and then head to bed. Don't worry
i can come over if ya want just say the word
I shook my head vigorously even though he wasn't in front of me. The last thing I wanted was him denying himself precious minutes of sleep.
I'm ok, I promise. We'll see you tomorrow
Niall needed a few bills paid and Perrie had asked me for more help on her planning the wedding. I had a few things I needed to send her to get feedback on. So far finding the florist had been easy but a baker for the wedding cake was proving to be much harder. She needed to give me some ideas.
Just as I was sitting down in front of my computer I heard a knock on my front door. I sighed and shook my head. Niall just couldn't take a hint sometimes. He would probably want to make one loop through Lucy's room to make sure she really was ok before he headed home for the night. Work would have to wait.
I walked towards the front door, flipping on the foyer light before I pulled the door open.
I felt my heart drop into my feet. Shock reverberated through my body so violently that I swore I felt my bones shake. Harry looked back at me, his eyes rimmed red and puffy. He was crying or at least he had been. He looked pale, thin and tired, quite the difference from the towering huge body that had veered over me last night while yelling at me about all the things I'd been lying about. He certainly wasn't looking at me like he wanted to push me off a cliff anymore, at least that was one positive to come out of this situation. He looked apologetic, almost sheepish. He gestured behind me,
"Can I come in?" I blinked a few times but didn't answer. His eyelids drooped a bit in a quiet plea for a reply, "Please?" He breathed, "I swear I'm not here to fight."
I backed away and held the door open for him. He took a few steps into my house and glanced behind him to watch me close the door once he was inside. I kept my hand on the door handle for a few seconds. What was he doing here? I believed him when he said he didn't want to fight, he hardly looked up for a screaming match. But then what did he want?
I folded my arms over my chest and brushed past him. I cleared my throat when I turned to face him,
"Lucy's asleep so-"
"I'm not going to yell....I promise." He interrupted. He shoved his hands in his pockets. He looked stilted and uneasy. His whole body radiated discomfort. He took a breath, "I'm sorry....for what I said. I didn't mean it."
I diverted my eyes to the ground. I knew he didn't mean it. I knew he'd said it out of anger and resentment for all the things I'd been lying to him about. But that didn't mean I didn't still feel the shame of the words he'd used. Or that I forgot the look on his face when he basically accused me of sleeping with half his bandmates.
"It's ok." Was all I could think of to say. He took a step towards me,
"It's not. It's not ok. I would never-" He stopped, swallowing hard and taking a few breaths, "I can't excuse any of the things I said. I was wrong."
I folded my arms over my stomach. Seeing how distraught he was made me feel the beginnings of tears and I really didn't want to cry,
"Harry...." I squinted a bit in a vain attempt to keep the tears from showing themselves, "I'm a little....I mean.....I don't-" I shook my head, "Why are you apologizing to me?"
He seemed confused,
"Because I should. I'm not that guy that throws out insults when he's mad. I don't hurt people I care about."
I nodded once. Was he saying he cared about me? Out of everything he said, I found it a bit ridiculous that that's the thing I landed on. He was apologizing....well....and I needed to acknowledge it.
"I lied to you." I responded simply. That seemed to hit him in a way I hadn't anticipated. He winced a bit and dropped his head. A whole new attack of tears turned his eyes glassy as he took deep breaths,
"Why?" Was all he was able to get out.
I felt a few tears slip down my cheeks and I wiped them away. People sometimes aren't afforded the ability to see the hurt on someone's face when they hurt them as deeply as I'd hurt him. There was a reason for that. It was soul crushing. I had never felt such regret in my life.
"You were just starting out. You were on the path to becoming.....you. Everything in your life was falling into place, just where it needed to be. I didn't want to get in the way of that. All I could see was the scandal. 17 year old Harry Styles knocked up another 17 year old girl....who also happened to be Niall's best friend. No matter how I looked at it, it was going to destroy your career and probably Niall's too. I couldn't do that...." I dropped my head, "To either of you."
He shook his head,
"I would've taken care of it. I would have protected both of you."
I nodded, my head still dropped,
"I know. I know that now." Defending myself seemed inappropriate at the moment. My reasons had been concrete when I decided 4 years ago not to tell him. But now, looking at the heartbreak on his face, I could not deny the mistake I'd made. And I could not defend the indefensible. I pulled my head up, "Maybe it doesn't matter, maybe you won't care....but you should know that I gave her a piece of you. Even if neither of you knew the reason I did it. She has a piece of you." He stared back at me, obviously trying to process what I was saying but failing. I took a deep breath, "Her middle name."
Harry stared back at me. I watched his thoughts pass over his face. Did he know what her middle name was? And then he smiled weakly and looked down,
"Anne." He whispered. I nodded,
"I never meant to hurt anyone." I whispered.
We were silent. Two people standing miles away from each other even though we were in the same room. No two individuals in history had ever been on more equal ground then we were right now. He'd hurt me, I'd hurt him. But I could not ignore the fact that all of this had been put in motion because of me.
"I don't...." He broke the silence and looked up to the ceiling and I could tell he was doing everything he could not to let tears stream down his cheeks, "Do you know how many times I would lie awake at night and wish she was mine? After she was born and you let me hold her...." He shook his head, "I just wanted to be there. I felt this intense connection, it was like nothing I ever felt before." He focused on me, "I used to daydream about walking her down the aisle, even though I knew she'd probably choose Niall for that. I plotted all the ways I was going to shove him in a closet or trip him before the ceremony so he couldn't do it." He paused for a moment, "She's always been mine." He finished.
I stared back at him. Was it possible to come back from destroying someone like this so completely? Would we ever make it to a point where he wouldn't look at me and think about all the things he missed because of me? I didn't know, but from the look on his face, I could tell it wasn't gonna be easy. I stepped forward and offered him my hand. He looked down at it for a few moments and then lifted his hand into mine. I turned and led him down the hallway. It had been long enough.
I pushed Lucy's door open and led him inside, stopping just past the door frame. I heard his breath hitch and I didn't need to look over to know the handle he'd had on his tears in the living room was gone. He was looking at the floor, breathing steadily but blowing out his mouth purposely. His chest was heaving with every deep breath he took. His hand slid up onto his hip as he focused on keeping himself under control. Realizing he was rapidly losing his grip, I pulled him towards her bed,
"Go ahead." I whispered. He looked over at me. I nodded, "She's yours."
He seemed apprehensive. Like he hadn't ever seen her before. He walked towards her bed and laid down next to her, gently so as not to wake her up. His huge body took up most of the bed, his feet hanging off the end. She stirred and he held his breath. Lucy turned over and snuggled up into him, her tiny head resting on his chest, her hand sliding up onto his shirt. She let out a puff of breath and then her breathing evened out.
He leaned his head down, his mouth touching the top of her head in a soft kiss. His big hand splayed out across almost her entire back. I dimmed the light and turned to walk out, leaving them alone.
------------------------
I was awakened the next morning by the muffled sounds of talking coming from my kitchen. A few giggles from my 4 year old were mixed in with the deep rumbling voice I knew well. I sighed and glanced at the clock. It was 9 a.m. Lucy must've been awake for hours by now. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling.
"Hey...." I heard Harry's soft voice fill the room. I looked over at the door where his head was poked in, "We're making breakfast. What kind of pancakes do you want?"
I pushed myself up onto my elbows,
"What KIND?" He nodded,
"Strawberry....blueberry....chocolate chip...." I shook my head, I didn't know why I was shocked. Pancakes were the least difficult of all the things he'd made us for breakfast in the past,
"I'll just have some tea."
He pushed the door open and stepped into my room, checking to make sure Lucy was still ok in the kitchen. He turned back to me,
"We need to talk about....." He let his sentence trail off. I nodded,
"I know."
"Are you free today?" He asked, shoving his hands in his pockets. I nodded,
"Yeah. Niall is coming to get her for dance class. We can talk then."
He nodded,
"Great. Come and get your breakfast whenever you're ready."
When he closed the door, I fell back against the bed and went back to staring at the ceiling. The upcoming discussion was not going to be fun. Were we gonna tell the world he was Lucy's father? How would we go about doing that? We needed to get his name on the birth certificate somehow too. I hadn't the slightest idea how to do any of that. And of course, the most pressing question – How and when did we tell Lucy that Harry was her daddy?
I rolled over onto my side and closed my eyes. I'd definitely need more sleep if I was going to have to face all of that.