I walked through Simon's house, ignoring those who called out for me as I tried desperately to find the front door. I wasn't sure what I was going to do when I got there, but I'm sure it would include running as far from the house as I could get. I felt someone's hand on my shoulder and I shook my head as I continued to walk.
"Em...slow down...." I heard Liam's concerned voice in my ear.
I shook my head harder, "I need to....please, Liam."
He held me back, which took little effort from him considering I was so drunk a strong wind would've knocked me over. I turned to face him, refusing to cry.
Getting rejected by a boy was par for the course with me. My first and only sexual encounter was with one of Niall's soccer buddies who felt me up for 10 minutes. We were both virgins so it was as awkward and unromantic as it could possibly get. He didn't know what he was doing and I didn't either. I never orgasmed. After a few movements inside of me, he pulled out and came against my leg. It took forever for my mother to get the stain out of my jeans. To this day she freaks out whenever I'm eating yogurt after I explained to her that I'd accidentally dropped some in my lap at Niall's house.
The boy never spoke to me again. Avoided me at all costs actually. He had a girlfriend now that he's been with for two years. I sometimes found myself watching her and wondering if he still had the same issues and if she minded.
Zayn pulling away from me should not have affected me this much. Liam pulled me over and out of the way of some people walking by, "Em, what happened?"
I shook my head, "N-nothing. Have you seen Niall?"
Liam looked around and shook his head, "Not recently."
I felt an arm slide around my shoulders and I looked up into Harry's face. He was clearly as drunk, if not more drunk, than I was, "This party great or what?"
I rolled my eyes and shrugged away from him, "Get off me."
He barely seemed to notice, "Anyone seen Zayn?"
My reaction to Harry's question told Liam exactly what he needed to know. He studied me for a few moments and then shook his head. Harry must have seen someone he knew because the next thing I knew he called out to them and walked, or should I say stumbled, away. I breathed a sigh of relief.
Liam stepped closer to me, "Something happen with Zayn?"
I shook my head, "I just....I need Niall."
Liam tried to lean forward and give me a hug but I pushed him back slightly and turned to walk away. I heard him call out for me but I kept walking. I wanted to get the hell out of that house. With or without Niall.
------------------------
"What's wrong? Ya sounded upset on t'phone?" Niall said as he came through my front door. It was almost 2 a.m. but I didn't care. Harry's confrontation had scared the hell out of me. I put Lucy to bed and tried to pace off the anxiety but it wasn't working.
What was I going to do? It was all coming crashing down around me. Everything I'd been so careful to keep a secret was going to come out and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was spinning out of control.
By the time Niall got to my house I was almost in a full blown panic attack. My sweats were hanging off me, my entire face was splotched with red marks. The minute he saw me he closed the door and pulled me over to the couch. He pushed my hair off my face,
"Em....talk t'me....what is goin' on?"
I tried to calm myself down. Niall had never really been able to handle me upset. It made him jumpy and nervous. I took a few deep breaths and blew them out my mouth,
"Har-" I stopped and licked my dry, burning lips, "Harry was here."
Niall's face fell and I knew he was already aware of what I was going to say next. I knitted my brows,
"You know already don't you?"
Niall ran his hand over his face, pushing his baseball hat up off his head as he nervously scratched the front of his head. He pulled his hat back down,
"He uh....he told me.....bout some.....stuff." Niall stumbled through the entire sentence.
I blinked a few times,
"What'd he tell you, Niall?"
Niall shook his head,
"Said he saw you with Zayn in the park....watchin Diz play. Said ya looked like a family. Said Zayn had this look on his face....like he was watchin his little girl on the playground." I felt like I'd been sucker punched. Niall chewed on the inside of his mouth a bit, "Is Zayn her father, Em?" He asked softly.
I stared back at him. My mouth instantly went dry. I felt like I was watching this unfold on a soap opera. How the hell had this become my life? Niall had never point blank asked me who Lucy's father was. He knew it was a sore subject.
I shook my head, turning away from him and putting my face in my hands,
"Oh my God...." I whimpered into my hands. The panic attack started to get worse. I felt like I couldn't get any breath into my lungs.
Niall put his hand on my back and rubbed gentle circles,
"Em....calm down. It's ok. You don't have to answer that."
I took my face out of my hands and turned to Niall,
"What else did he say?" I demanded. Niall looked a bit shocked when I turned on him. He blinked nervously and his mouth fell open,
"Uhhhhhhh....said he was gonna ask you about it. That he couldn't believe you'd both been lyin t'us for so long." I shook my head. Niall leaned towards me, "I told him to leave it alone, Em. I told him not to push. I told him it wasn't his place. But he said somethin' 'bout bein' attached to Lucy and treatin' her like she was his....and I just....I mean, I'm attached to her too."
"Niall, Zayn isn't her father. You have to believe me." I blurted out. Niall stared at me for a moment, I could tell he was freaked out. This was my worst nightmare and also seemed to be his.
"I believe ya...I mean, she doesn't look anythin' like him. I told Harry that. But once he gets an idea in his head – I mean he was talkin' 'bout if Perrie knew and maybe that's part of the reason Zayn left us....just crazy stuff."
I put my hand to my forehead and tried my best to calm myself down. I needed all of this to stop. Lucy was my child and I would protect her above all else. I turned to Niall,
"Oh my God......" I whispered. Harry was getting too close to the truth and I felt helpless to stop it from happening. My entire future flashed before my eyes. Harry would definitely hate me and Niall would never forgive me for lying to him. Niall stopped,
"Em-"
"Niall." I whispered. "I dunno....I dunno what to do." Niall seemed confused by that but he didn't push any further.
He scooted closer to me,
"Em...it's gonna be ok. I promise ya. I won't let anythin' happen t'either of ya. Ya know that."
I wanted to believe him. Niall had always protected us. But there was nothing he could do about this. The realization hit me that what was going to happen could very well split the group apart.
I wasn't really sure what was going to happen.
Which was a lie.
I knew exactly what was going to happen.
Jesus, I was starting to lie to myself now. I was definitely on a sinking ship. It was just a matter of time before I disappeared beneath the waves of all the lies I'd told.
Niall never asked what I was doing with Zayn. Although I knew he wanted to. He seemed more than amenable to not rocking the boat at the moment though. And I was grateful for that.
Lucy was happily playing in front of me with a few of the dolls Harry had bought her.
It had been 3 days since he'd confronted me about Zayn. He hadn't said a word about it since then. Every time he saw Lucy or dropped her off from one of their dates, he simply gave me a stilted "Goodbye" and left. He'd also started calling me "Emily" which made me crazy. It was so formal and cold. And despite Harry and I's history, we'd never been outright cold to each other....at least not like that.
------------------------
Niall was on his way over with dinner. I knew that meant he also wanted to talk. I didn't want to talk though. I was exhausted with all the talking he and I had done over the last few days. All it did was remind me that I was lying to him as well.
I just needed some time. I needed to figure out what to do and how to open the lines of communication between Harry and I again without the truth coming out. I didn't know how that was going to happen, but I would find a way. Somehow.
I heard Niall pull up into the driveway and I got up to open the door for him. He set the bag of food down on the coffee table and turned to hug me. Lucy ran towards him. He pulled her up into his arms and kissed her all over her face. She giggled when he set her down and ran back to her coloring.
Dinner went quickly. Niall made forced small talk. Which told me that he wanted to talk to me about more important things but wouldn't around Lucy. He put her to bed, reading her one of the Dr. Seuss books Louis had read her when he was here. I could hear them giggling and it tugged at my heart strings.
I heard him walk towards the kitchen and I looked up from my computer screen. He stopped at the refrigerator to grab a bottle of beer and then sat down next to me at the table. I tried to ignore him, knowing full well what his plan was. He watched me for a few moments and then pushed the laptop screen down and closed it. I sighed and sat back,
"Niall-"
"She wants Harry to be her daddy." He interrupted, "She tell you that?"
I folded my arms over my stomach. I was not ready to have this conversation. I pushed my hair out of my face,
"No. But she told Lou that."
"That's a....I mean....Em....that's-"
"I know, Niall. I know." I sat forwards and put my hand on my forehead, "I never meant for this...." I stopped as tears formed a huge ball in my throat. I sat back and looked down at my hands. I was ashamed.
Niall reached forward and covered my hands with one of his,
"Talk t'me, Em. Tell me what's goin' on."
I sniffed. I lifted my eyes to meet his and let out a breath that felt like I'd been holding in for years,
"You remember....the night of the party." Niall nodded, knowing full well what party I was talking about without me having to go into any further detail. He sat back, grabbing the beer and taking a sip, "I'd been....upset. Zayn and I had kind of...I don't even know really. But....he rejected me. I couldn't find you...."
------------------------
I needed quiet. Some place to get away from the pumping bass that was thrumming out of the huge speakers in the living room downstairs. I'd just made a complete ass of myself. Zayn was probably laughing his ass off with P Diddy about the fact that I'd just tried to kiss him. It was time to lay down and try to sleep off the drunkenness, something that was going to take at least until morning considering how much I'd put away. I was still holding a rum and Coke in my hand that I'd grabbed on my way in after my humiliation with Zayn. Was it possible to get a hangover before you'd sobered up? I had been drunk before, but never like this. My head was pounding and if I allowed myself to throw up, there was no doubt I would've blown chunks all over Simon's nice white $10,000 couch.
I must have made at least three laps around Simon's house looking for Niall. About halfway through the second one I realized he'd either left or passed out in a corner somewhere after having drank himself into a stupor because there's no way he left me alone here while he was sober. I'd kill him. I'd finally found an unoccupied room with a bed in it and felt relief wash over me. I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. It was time for a little self-pity.
My head jerked up when I heard the door open. A very drunk, very annoying, very loud Harry Styles walked into the room. He squinted at me as if he didn't know who I was.
I turned my nose up and lowered my head onto the pillow, "Go away...." I grumbled.
Harry finally recognized me and nodded. He turned to close the door. I held my hand up as I took another sip of my rum and Coke, "Don't close that!" I called out.
Harry tiptoed over me and put his finger to his lips, "Shhhhhhh...."
"Why do we have to be quiet? Did you miss the music blaring through the house?" Apparently I wasn't drunk enough to abandon my disdain and smartass remarks for everything he said. Just as I ended my sentence the music stopped, leaving the house silent.
Harry threw his hands up, "See?"
I sneered at him, "Ugh....go away." I repeated.
He shook his head and walked towards me, lowering himself onto the bed and almost slipping off before catching himself with his foot and pushing himself back up, "All the rooms are taken. I get this one."
"Why do you get this one?" I snarled.
"Because I...." He stopped and tried to think of a good reason and then shrugged, "I said so."
I glared at him. I was hardly in the mood for his bullshit right now. "Well I was here first...so I get it."
Harry shook his head and leaned over, his eyes closing as his face scrunched up in a frown, "Emmmmmmm...." He whined out.
I rolled my eyes, "Don't whine. I hate it when you whine....."
He turned towards me. He smelled like alcohol and cigarettes which was weird because Harry didn't smoke. "Let's do rock, paper, scissors...." He suggested.
"Why should we? Like I said, I was here first."
Harry thought for a moment and then sat up a little straighter as an idea occurred to him. "If you don't let me have the room, I'll have to leave. And I'm drunk. So I'll have to get a cab. And I could get abducted.....and then you'd be screwed."
I stared back at him. The logic seemed fuzzy at best, but I was starting to fade and I really didn't want it on my conscience that he was out in the world alone and drunk. God forbid something happen to international pop star Harry Styles. I waved my hand finally and scooted back on the bed. "Fine. I get the bed."
Harry nodded, "Gimme a pillow." Two seconds later a pillow went flying at his head, slapping him in the face, sending brunette curls everywhere. He pulled the pillow down and glared at me, flashing me a smartass smile before laying on the floor next to the bed.
------------------------
Niall shifted in his chair but didn't say anything. I kept my eyes diverted to the floor. I didn't want to see his expression. He'd always warned me against doing anything with any of the other boys. He knew about my crush on Zayn and I'm quite sure he'd threatened Zayn's life if he ever touched me. Though he would never admit it. I'm sure it never occurred to him to have that conversation with Harry though.
I sighed,
"I should've told him to leave."
"But you didn't." He stated simply. I shook my head,
"No. I didn't. "
------------------------
I laid against the pillows and closed my eyes, instantly realizing the world was spinning. I ignored it. Soon I'd be asleep and the spinning would end. If only I could burn the vision of Zayn's face after I'd try to kiss him out of my head then I'd be in business. But that wasn't going to happen apparently because every time I closed my eyes all I saw was his sympathetic face looking at me like I was a puppy dog who'd just tripped up the stairs. I let out a sigh when I heard the thumping and thrashing of Harry on the floor. I'd always needed complete darkness and silence to sleep. At this rate, he was going to keep me up all night and I REALLY wanted to sleep off this intoxication. He stopped for a moment and then started up nanoseconds later.
I punched my pillow and shot up off the bed, "Are you going to do that all night?"
Harry's head popped up over the edge of the bed as he glared at me, "Well if someone didn't selfishly take the whole bed then maybe I could sleep."
My nostrils flared as rage coursed through my veins, "We are not sleeping in the same bed." I declared firmly.
Harry stood up slowly and leaned over, placing his hands on the bed in front of him as he met my glare with a more intense one, "We are or neither of us is sleeping." He countered. We stayed that way for a bit. In a bitter stare down that neither of us was willing to let go of. When I didn't budge he softened quickly, "C'mon Em....it's hard on the floor. This bed is huge. It's like three football fields wide."
I shook my head, "You are such a drama queen. Anyone ever tell you that?" I laid back down and turned my back to him, "Fine. But stay on your side. Don't try anything."
He snorted as he crawled up into the bed next to me and laid down with his back to me, "Like I would...." He said under his breath.
I refused to let that hurt. I was just on a roll tonight with regards to being rejected by boy band members. But it didn't matter. Harry Styles annoyed the hell out of me and I didn't really care if he found me attractive. I fought to relax my body and close my eyes.
------------------------
"I mean, he was right. The bed was huge. And neither of us was in any shape to start anything with each other. I mean....back then we were like oil and water." Niall laughed to himself and I looked up, "What?"
"Harry had a thing for ya." He said softly.
"What?" I asked, my heart speeding up. Niall nodded,
"He told me about it. I laughed. I knew there was no way it was ever happenin'." He cleared his throat, "Or at least....I thought there was no way it was ever happenin'."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because it was ridiculous. I mean...like you said, the two of you were always snipin' at each other. I really thought he was just bein...weird. You were the last part of normal any of us had to hold on to. I thought he was just bein' dramatic."
I stared back at Niall, what he said made so much sense to me now I couldn't believe I hadn't picked up on it then. Harry and I WERE always sniping at each other, but more often than not it was me who started it. I was always annoyed that whenever I turned around he was usually there even though it seemed like he'd appeared out of nowhere.
Niall waved his hand,
"Anyway...keep goin'....."
I licked my lips, tucking away this information for another time. More important conversations needed to happen,
"My leg cramped."
------------------------
That's when I felt it. The familiarity of muscles cramping in my calf. It was a problem I'd dealt with since I was little. My mother had taken me to countless doctors only for them to suggest stretching and lots of water before bed. I shot up, a strangled cry coming from me as my leg tensed up so harshly it felt like it was never going to relax. "Oh my GOD!" I yelled out.
Harry shot up next to me, staring back at me like I was crazy, "What the-"
"My leg..." I whined as I fell back onto the bed and writhed around a bit, "Oh my God...." I sputtered, my eyes squeezed shut as I pounded against my leg to get it to release.
Harry watched the scene in front of him, confusion was etched on his face. He clearly had no idea what was going on. He pushed himself onto his knees and grabbed my fist, pushing it away before I could take another swing at my tensed up leg.
"Don't!" I yelled out as he took my leg into his hands and pushed my jeans up, "You'll make it-"
"STOP!" He ordered as I tried to slap his hands away. I had just warned him a few moments ago to keep his hands to himself. My leg tensed up tighter and all I could do was fall back against the bed. I could feel his hands on my skin, his fingertips kneading my calf gently. Up a little bit and then back down. He continued to massage the tightened muscle until it released. I sprawled out on the bed as my whole body relaxed.
"How does that feel?" I heard him ask softly.
I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, "Glorious....." I answered before I could stop myself. I felt his hands travel up my thigh and my eyes shot open. I pushed myself up onto my hands to look at him, "Wh-what are you doing?"
He shrugged, "Making sure it doesn't come back."
"How do you know what to do?" I asked.
He shrugged, "Not that hard to figure out. Leg cramps right? Massage the leg."
I wasn't going to admit to myself that he'd succeeded in getting my leg to relax. I also wasn't going to admit he'd been the only person who had EVER been able to do that.
I felt my face heat up a bit as he went a little higher and then he stopped, "All better?"
I nodded, staring down at my now totally relaxed leg, "Yeah." I whispered as I felt the bed shift while he moved to lay back down. I turned to look at him, he was now facing me. I laid down, tucking my hand under my chin and I studied him for a few moments. His eyes were closed, his mouth slightly parted, his curls sticking up in every direction.
He startled me when his eyes popped open to look back at me, "What?" He asked.
I shrugged, "Nothing."
"Why are you staring at me?" He asked.
"You're in front of me." I shot back and turned my back to him with a huff.
He let out an exasperated sigh and shook his head before closing his eyes again.
------------------------
I stopped, I didn't want to tell Niall the next part. He could figure it out on his own. I waved my hand,
"You can guess about the rest."
Niall shook his head,
"Em..."
I stood up, shaking my head as I walked to the other side of the kitchen and set down my cup.
"Niall...I'm not telling you anymore."
He watched me for a moment but stayed seated. I could tell he wasn't going to let it go though and that annoyed me. He stood up and walked over to me, leaning on the counter opposite from the one I was leaning on.
"Em-"
"Don't give me that look. You really wanna know all the gory details?"
Niall snorted out a laugh,
"Well if it was gory ya probably weren't doin' it right."
I swatted at him,
"It's not funny."
Niall shrugged,
"It's a little funny." He kicked at my foot, "Get it out, Em. All of it. I know ya been waitin'. I seen it in your eyes."
I stared back at him. He was right. I was actually a bit shocked at how right he was. I took a deep breath and started again,
"I felt grateful. I mean....he didn't have to do that. He could've let me writhe around in pain. I probably would have if it was him." I shrugged, "But he didn't. He was sweet and kind and I knew he was all of those things, I just had never experienced them for myself. Until then."
I shrugged,
"I was in such a....I wasn't myself that night. I was upset about Zayn, upset about my parents, I didn't really wanna be there and just....everything culminated into me.....making a really big mistake."
------------------------
I took a deep breath, "Hey Harry?" I asked softly.
"What?" He grumbled.
I took another breath, "Thanks.....for.....my leg."
"Hey Em...." I heard his voice a few moments later, softer and less demanding now.
"What?" I asked.
"Thanks for letting me on the bed." He said.
I wasn't sure why I turned around to look at him. If I'd have stayed on my side I would have fallen asleep. But I didn't. He was staring back at me, his green eyes holding a sincerity in them I didn't think I'd ever seen before. He looked like he was grateful for a moment. Like being in the same room with me may have been an irritation for me, but it wasn't for him. My heart sped up a bit when he pushed himself up onto an elbow and stared down at me for a few moments. I felt his hand reach up and touch my cheek, his fingertips dragging against my skin lightly. My eyes focused on his just as he leaned towards me and trapped my bottom lip in a quick kiss.
His lips were a shock to me. Not just because he was kissing me, but I'd always thought his lips would be chapped and rough since he spent most of his days flapping his gums. But they weren't. They were soft. Clearly he understood the importance of Chapstick. His mouth molded to mine in a way that was foreign to me. I'd kissed boys before, but they always seemed to be demanding and pushy, their tongues invading my mouth before I'd given any signal that I was ok with that. Harry was entirely different. He barely pressed his mouth to mine at all and his tongue, while grazing my bottom lip lightly a few times, stayed put inside his own mouth.
I felt him pull away and I felt my whole body react negatively to it. I didn't want him to stop. I met his gaze, his face full of questions. Was I ok with this? Was I going to punch him? Push him off the bed? It would be really bad if I screamed. But I didn't do any of those things. Instead, I reached up and pushed some of his curls back off of his face. And so he leaned down and captured my entire mouth this time, I probably should have pushed him away. Asked him what the hell he was doing and demanded he leave the room. But when I felt his tongue slide across my bottom lip as a silent request for more access, my mouth instinctively opened. I could taste the alcohol when he swept his tongue into my mouth. I didn't even realize peppermint Schnapp's had been at the house.
He scooted closer to me, pushing himself up onto his hands to hover over me as he released my mouth and trailed kisses down my jawline, "God, Em...." He whispered before he caught my bottom lip again, nipping at it gently with his teeth before covering my mouth in a deep kiss. My grip on reality completely fell away. His penchant for the push pull was driving me insane and leaving me only wanting more. I slid my hands onto his hips and pulled him down, his hips grinding into mine. A soft moan escaped his lips into my mouth and the satisfaction I got from knowing I was what made him sound like that filled me with desire.
This, this is why he was so popular with girls. They all had apparently seen what I missed. Harry was gentle and kind. He would never push someone into doing something they didn't want to do. He was more concerned with how he made me feel than anything else. Harry was the type of lover who would always leave his partner satisfied and blissed out. He was generous. And when it came down to it, that was sexier than anything he had going for him looks wise.
I felt his hand creep up under my shirt, his fingertips dragging along my stomach and across my hip and a low moan escaped my lips. Was he a virgin? I wasn't. It certainly seemed like he knew well enough what he was doing. At least he was hitting all the right buttons with me.
He pulled away and looked down at me, "Em....we should-" he started to say.
No. No talking. Talking would lead to stopping and if there was one thing I was sure about right now it was that I did not want him to stop under any circumstances.
I pushed myself up off the bed, securing my hands to either side of his face and caught him in a deep kiss of my own before he could finish his sentence.
A lot of things in my life were uncertain. Graduation. College. My own apartment. What would happen with Niall and I once he left to go on tour again. What was going to happen with my parents. But one thing I did know was that I wanted Harry. And when he pushed himself up off of me and pulled his shirt off with one swift movement, I knew he understood that.
------------------------
I stopped. That was as far as I was gonna go. The ball of tears in my throat was now softball sized and so tight I was sure it was going to explode. I let out a shaky breath and scratched a non-existent itch on my forehead.
The kitchen was so silent I could hear my own blood coursing through my veins. I was too ashamed and scared to look up at Niall. I could just imagine the look on his face. Disappointment crossed with anger and resentment was probably what would be staring back at me.
I heard him move and I looked up just in time for him to wrap me in a tight embrace. My eyes fell closed and I breathed out a sigh of relief.
I held onto him so tightly I was sure I was cutting off oxygen. I shook a few times, the tears finally surfacing. He put a hand to the back of my head,
"Shhhhh....Em...."
I buried my face into his shoulder,
"I'm sorry, Niall. I lied to you. I lied to everyone."
He shook his head,
"If I'm bein' honest, I kinda knew."
I pulled away to look at him, that admission momentarily stopping the tears,
"What?"
He nodded and shrugged,
"I mean....look at her. She looks just like him. The only thing that throws me off is the blonde hair."
I blinked a few times, letting my hands drop into my lap,
"Why didn't you say anything?"
He pulled his arms back,
"I guess I just always figured you'd tell me eventually. I dunno....it kinda wasn't any of my business? In a way. Hard t'explain." When I didn't respond he took a breath, "I mean...it didn't matter t'me. She's me Diz. I don't really care who her dad is. As long as she's taken care of and happy."
I let the shock of his admission process through my head. How many other people knew and didn't say anything? He cleared his throat,
"So what are you gonna do now?" He asked softly. I shrugged,
"I dunno, Niall. I really don't know."
"Ya hafta tell him." Niall answered after a few moments.
I met Niall's eyes slowly as a single tear slid down my cheek,
"How....how do I tell him that? He'll hate me."
"He won't hate ya. He might be pissed for awhile. But I don't think he could ever hate ya." He shivered a bit and I studied him closely,
"What?"
He shook his head,
"Nothin'....just....can't believe ya slept with each other." He turned up his nose, "Gross."
I swatted at him and turned to walk away,
"I knew I shouldn't have told you." He laughed and caught me, pulling me back to wrap his arms around my neck in a tight hug.