Hello readers!
Wow, this week has literally been crazy and it just gets crazier next week. I just want to say a massive thank you to each and every single one of you! This fanfic has now got over 6,000 reads and over 300 votes and comments!! It is all thanks to you, I owe everything to you so thank you so so much it means the world to me I appreciate it so much!!!
I made this chapter extra long! It is over 6400 words long so I think it makes up for the crappy last chapter! A lot happens in this chapter so be warned! TRIGGER WARNING- there is self harm in this chapter so just a pre-warning to all of you out there if you don't like it or anything. My goal this chapter is 400 reads and 50 votes! I think you guys can do that because you are all wicked and sexy!
I want to thank you all for your comments because they are all wonderful and they make me cry of happiness! :') Shoutout and dedication go to @Moonyx! Babe you are incredible and your comments truly make my day!! You are so sweet and I love you so much!! <3 Dedication and shoutout on the next chapter to the best comment!
I hope you all like this chapter because I worked so hard on it to make it perfect! I love you all so much and am so thankful for all of you! Don't forget to comment, vote, and fan!! if you want you can always message me too!! :)
Sophie Horan Tomlinson Irwin Hood xxxxxx
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Chapter Eight
“Yo, Ashton? Are we going or not?” Michael asked, his voice taking on a sassy tone. “God aren’t we a sassy punk today,” I stated shaking my head slightly, knocking myself out of the daze I was in.
“Yes, yes I am,” Michael replied. “Yes we are going. Get in the car punk,” I replied sassily unlocking the car as I did. Michael stuck his middle finger up at me as he got in. I just stuck my tongue out in retaliation.
“I’m guessing you know where you are going?” Luke asked as he looked over to me. I just nodded, focusing as I reversed the giant monster that was my car out of the space. I got us back on the highway and headed for downtown Sydney.
The car was quiet, everyone keeping to their own thoughts. I let my mind wander, my thoughts falling back to Calum once again. I darted my eyes up to the mirror and looked at Calum.
He looked flawless. His hair was flipped over his eyes and he was facing the window, watching the scenery go by. I could tell he was in deep thought by the huge crease that was in his forehead.
I glanced away and focused on the road, not wanting to get caught looking at Calum for too long. I let myself focus on driving, not wanting to crash and hurt my new band members and the boy I was crushing on.
I let the silence surround me, the peace soothing me. My peace was broken, however, when I heard a phone ring. I knew it wasn’t my ringtone so I glanced at Luke. Luke didn’t budge so it wasn’t him.
I glanced in the rear view mirror again and my eyes landed on Calum. He was lifting his phone to his ear. Well, at least I knew whose phone was ringing. I glanced back to the road but my concentration was broken again a split second later when Calum spoke.
“Hi Maddie. How are you beautiful?” Calum said into the phone. My foot was hovering over the break as Calum spoke. My heart plummeted to my stomach and instinctively I slammed my foot on the breaks, hard.
The car lurched forward and I saw Luke panic and quickly look at me. Everything slowed for a second and I felt myself become hyper aware. I need to stop us from crashing into anything or anyone.
I pulled off the motorway and into a rest stop. I parked the car and let my head rest on the wheel, my breathing uneven. I could still hear Calum talking to his girlfriend from the back seat.
“Yeah sorry baby, give me one second.” Next thing I knew I felt a hand on my shoulder. It had to be Calum as he was the only run to send tingles down my spine like that. “Ashton, what the hell happened? Are you alright?” Calum asked.
I couldn’t quite tell if he was pissed at me or worried. I assumed it was a mix of both. I just nodded weakly. “I think I need some air,” I said, pulling my door open and breathing in the cool air.
I walked out and propped myself on the metal bars of the rest area, looking out to the distant beach in front of me. I sighed and closed my eyes. ‘What the fuck is wrong with me? I nearly killed us all and for what? All because Calum answered his girlfriends call.
There is something wrong with me. Why am I so worked up over Calum having a girlfriend? Oh maybe because IT MEANS HE’S STRAIGHT AND HE WOULD NEVER DATE A GAY BOY LIKE ME,’ I screamed at myself.
My head dropped and my shoulders shock with silent sobs. I hated myself more than anything. I should just die. I’m not worthy to live being gay. I am so pathetic, pining for a boy I can never have.
I pulled out my keys again and looked down at them. ‘Three times in one day when I promised I would never cut again after the last incident. Well you know what they say, third times the charm.’
Just as I was about to pull the wrap off my cuts and reopen them again I heard Michael call to me. “Ash, mate, you ok?” I could hear him walking closer so I slipped the keys away again.
Michael lent on the bar next to me and looked at me sideways. I nodded slowly and looked away, out to the horizon. “Before you ask what just happened, I don’t have an answer. I guess Calum’s phone ringing distracted me and I accidently braked without thinking.”
Michael didn’t say anything, just remained silent. “Listen I’m sorry ok? I don’t know why I did it; I just got distracted and panicked. I’m not used to hearing phones suddenly go off in the car like that. As long as it doesn’t happen again I’ll be fine,” I clarified.
“Ok bro if you’re sure?” Michael asked raising an eyebrow. I nodded and looked away again. “It didn’t have anything to do with who Calum was talking to, did it?” Michael asked. I turned around, my jaw dropping.
“What? No, not at all. Just the fact his phone went off and he answered it distracted me,” I quickly covered. ‘Was Michael figuring things out? Was I being too obvious? I need to watch what I am doing and be more careful. I cannot let any of the boys know.’
Michael nodded and looked at me dead in the eye. “If you sure then ok,” he stated. I nodded firmly. “I’m sure. C’mon let’s get going. If we wait much longer the store will close and this would be for nothing.”
Michael walked ahead of me and got back in the car. I stood outside my door for a second and took a deep breath before entering the car again. Calum was still on the phone and Luke was messing with the radio stations.
“Everything alright there Ash?” Luke asked. “Yeah, everything is fine,” I replied. I started the engine and tried to block out what Calum was saying. I didn’t want to hear what he was talking about with his girlfriend.
I didn’t want to hear their mushy shit. I just wanted that girl to fuck off so I could have Calum. Luke picked a station and lent back in his seat. I turned the volume up to drown Calum out.
I focused all my attention on the road, making sure to not let anything distract me. After another fifteen minutes I was pulling up outside Music Fix. I cut the engine and looked around.
Luke was smiling happily and hopping out the car. Michael gave my shoulder a squeeze before hopping out the car too, humming the tune of the last song that was playing on the radio. Calum was off the phone now and was also hopping out, a smile forming on his face as he saw the store.
I jumped out and joined Calum. “Never been to this place, huh?” I asked Calum. He shook his head as we walked up to the store. Any previous anger he might have had towards me seemed to be gone now.
We walked into Music Fix and Calum gasped as he saw all the instruments lining the walls and covering any open space on the floor. Calum immediately bolted off towards the bass guitar section. Luke and Michael weren’t far behind, looking at the section next to bass, which were electric guitars.
Suddenly I felt the pang of abandonment again. Sure I could play guitar but my true love was always drums. I just found that guitars didn’t hold as much potential as drums did and honestly drumming was more challenging which made it more appealing to me.
I felt the isolation take over as the boys ditched me for the guitars, not even looking back at me. Not that I was being selfish but we were here to buy me a cajón and yet they had all left me.
I sulked off towards the drums; shoulders slumped and head hanging low. I walked to the cajóns and walked down the row of them. Some of them were gorgeous and caught my eye. When I saw the price tag though I felt my heart sink even more.
No way was I letting anyone spend that much on me, even if it was the most beautiful cajón I had ever seen. It wasn’t the most expensive in the store but out of all of them it was the one that stood out to me and caught my eye. I let my hand trail over it, feeling the wood with my fingertips.
I pulled myself up onto the platform the cajóns were displayed on and I gently sat down on the cajón I had been inspecting. I naturally let my hands beat a gentle rhythm into the smooth wood. I closed my eyes in bliss, hearing how beautiful the sound was.
“Find one?” Calum’s voice broke through my blissful peace. “What? I- Ummm… no. I was just messing about, just throwing out a beat,” I quickly said. I hopped down and walked to the end of the isle to the cheapest cajón.
“This one is good,” I said, not looking up at the boys. “Ashton…” Luke trailed off. “What?” I snapped, spinning around to look at them angrily. “We could all see it, you fell in love with that one. You are just choosing this one because it’s the cheapest,” Calum pointed out, ignoring my snappy attitude.
“So what? It doesn’t matter. I’m sure you look at the expensive guitars all the time even though you can’t have them. Sure that other one is nice but this one will do,” I said firmly. Maybe it was because they ditched me as we walked in but I was being hostile with them and I didn’t really know why.
I sighed heavily and closed me eyes. I took a deep breath a counted to five. “Seriously this one is fine,” I said pointing at the cheapest one. “Well… I hate it,” Calum said truthfully. “It’s ugly man,” Michael added.
I winced and looked away, tears filling my eyes. It was like a physical blow to me. Like someone had punched me in the face. I took it personally for some reason. It felt like they were insulting me for my decision and it hurt.
Calum, who was closet to me, sensed this and put his hand out and pulled my chin to face him. “And that is why we are buying the one you were playing. It sounded good, it looks good, and you looked good on it. That is the happiest I have ever seen you, sitting up on that cajón immersed in the feel of the music,” Calum said truthfully,
“And that is one smart buy,” Michael agreed with a half-smirk. “You can’t buy it, it’s almost $200!” I pointed out. “So? We don’t care about price Ashy! We saw how happy you were up there. That cajón is the one for you,” Michael argued back.
“Michael is right. You were in your element up there. Of all of them you picked that one because you knew it was the one for you. We are buying it for you and that’s final,” Luke piped up.
I sighed in defeat. There was no way I was winning against all three of them. “We just want to see you happy Ashton,” Calum said stroking my cheek before dropping his hand. ‘Then stop hurting me Calum. Or making me feel left out’ I thought to myself.
I know they didn’t mean to leave me out. I guess they were just trying to get used to the whole new ban member thing too. Calum didn’t know he was hurting me either. If he didn’t have a girlfriend he wouldn’t be hurting me. I just had to change that.
“So are we clear on which one we are buying?” Calum asked, directing the question at me. I smiled a genuine smile, my happiness coming back at the thought of getting the cajón of my dreams. I nodded and pointed at the one that had caught my eye.
“That one, if it isn’t too much money,” I said diverting my eyes. “It’s not,” Calum said firmly, his fingers wrapping around my wrist to pull me towards the other two boys. “Now this one is definitely good looking. Good choice Ashton,” Michael said, smiling to me.
I smiled back, a blush creeping up my cheeks. “Thanks boys,” I said, nodding my head towards the cajón. “You deserve it. Now let’s go and buy this baby,” Luke said. Luke and Michael bounded off to find a sales person to help us get one.
“Calum- I…” I started to say. I was interrupted as Calum’s phone went off. “Sorry that’s Maddie. I gotta take this, it’s important. I’ll be right back bro.” With that Calum dropped my wrist, pulled his phone out of his pocket, and walked away as he answered the phone.
I tried not to let it affect me but it did. I felt my heart break just a little bit more as I saw Calum walk off, a big grin on his face. She can clearly make him happier than I can. I sighed, propping myself against the platform.
Michael and Luke came back with a sales rep. “This is the one you want?” he asked pointing at the one I had chosen. “Yes sir, that’s the one,” Luke said confidently. “Ok I will go find one in the back and I’ll meet you at the tills.” Luke nodded and the man left.
“What’s wrong Ash?” Michael asked, sensing my mood shift. “No-nothing, I was just lost in thought I guess. Been a while since I got one of these and well… you know whom it came from,” I said covering up with my sad story of my past.
“I’m so sorry Ashton, I didn’t think of it like that,” Michael said propping himself next to me to rest his hand on my knee. I just smiled as best as I could. “Don’t worry Mikey, it’s ok. This one is coming from you guys, it’s totally different this time.”
“Umm sir, your are you ready to check out?” the man asked coming back. “Yeah on my way,” Luke said. “I’ll charge it to my card and then you and Calum pay me back later, yeah?” Luke asked. “Sounds like a plan to me,” Michael agreed.
Luke disappeared to pay and Michael and I sat in silence. It was a comfortable silence though, not awkward or anything. It wasn’t long though before Michael spoke up. “I know something is going on Ashton.” “I’m sorry?” I asked, not quite understanding what Michael meant.
“I don’t know bro, I can just sense something is bothering you. I may not seem like it but I am one of those people who can tell everything about a person from knowing them all of two minutes. There is something different about you, different in a good way though. Whatever it is, don’t be ashamed about it. No matter what, we are always here to support you.”
I felt myself tear up. Michael didn’t even know it but yet he had just given me the reassurance to know that he wouldn’t mind that I was gay. Michael didn’t seem to care that I was different, that I may or may not having feelings for his best friend.
It made me feel safer in a way. That even though I hadn’t come out of the closet to anyone at least I had Michael’s support. I made a mental note to myself that when I came out, Michael would be the first one to know I was gay and who I was gay for.
“Thanks Mikey. That means a lot. When the time is right, you’ll be the first to know what is bothering me and what makes me different.” Michael just smiled, patting my knee to let me know that whenever I was ready he was here for me.
Luke then walked over pushing a cart with a huge box in it. “Ready to head boys?” Michael and I nodded, hopping up from the platform to follow Luke out. Calum was leaning against the car, still talking on the phone.
I ignored him and unlocked the car, helping Luke squeeze the box into the already filled boot. After about five minutes of reorganizing we finally had all the instruments safely in the car. “Back to my house?” Luke asked. “Sure thing Lukey,” I replied.
I knew I had said to my mum I would head home but something about spending time with the band and not going home was kind of exhilarating. A part of me wanted to go back and help her. The thing is, I have given my whole life to her and helped support the family, but now, it’s my turn to live life for me.
I know my mum is strong enough to take care of Brianna and Harry by herself. It’s summer holiday’s too so it’s not like she has to worry about the kids too much. Her work house were perfect time during the day and Brianna was capable of taking care of herself and Harry.
I convinced myself that I was making the right choice by staying with the band for a bit and taking a break from the rough life I had lived since I was three. “Hey Luke?” I asked, pulling him off to the side before he could get in the car.
“What’s up Ashton?” “Would you mind if I, you know, joined you guys and crashed at your place for a bit?” “I wouldn’t mind at all. Michael and Calum basically live at my house, they only go home once or twice a week. You are welcome to stay and live with us.”
I smile and wrapped my arms around Luke, pulling him into a hug. Luke hugged me back and whispered in my ear, “I know you want to get away from your old life. Just know that we want to be the ones that you build your new life around.”
I squeezed Luke tighter, saying thank you though the hug as I couldn’t speak, my throat feeling tight as the lump formed in my throat. I pulled away and flashed Luke a warm smile. He smiled back and squeezed my shoulder gently before getting into the car.
I lent against the car and couldn’t help the smile that broke out. Michael and Luke had now made the effort to show they cared about me and wanted me to be happy and supported me. This band was the best thing that had ever happened to me.
I quickly pulled out my phone and sent my mum a text, explaining the choice I was making. I waited for a response, my nerves picking up with each passing second. Finally my phone buzzed with a reply.
MummaBear: “If that is the choice you are making then make it. You are old enough to care for yourself and make your own decisions. I just want you to know how proud I am of you Ashton. You have spent your whole life taking care of me and the family. It’s about time you did something in your life that made you happy. Give this band your all baby, you deserve it. The house is always open to you and the band if you ever want it. Come by and grab anything you need whenever you want. I love you so much Ashy, I am so proud of you! xxx”
The tears welled up in my eyes again. Everyone says their mum is the best but I now how the proof that everyone else is wrong, my mum is the fucking best mum on this planet. I typed back, “I love you mum, more than anything in this world! I will make you proud! I’ll always come back home, I’m never truly leaving. Thank you for letting me make my own decisions and for raising me to be what I am today. I love you xxx.”
“Enough sentimental times for me,” I chuckled to myself, sliding my phone back in my pocket and getting in the car. I got in and put the keys in the ignition. “Are you ok Ashton? You look like you’ve been crying,” Calum said, leaning forward to get a good look at me.
“Dude, relax. Just had a little sentimental moment with my mum is all.” I looked away my cheeks burning up. “Awww mamma’s boy,” Michael cooed from the back. “Fuck off Clifford,” I said, a smile crossing my face.
“Awwww wittle Ashy is so cute! Little mamma’s boy Ash! What a cutie,” Calum said pinching my cheeks. “Get off Calum,” I said brushing his hand away, my cheeks flushing even darker.
Calum laughed and pulled away, sitting back in his seat again. “Are we heading out or what?” Luke asked, a grin covering his face as he watched the scene unfold around him. “I would leave if I wasn’t being mollycoddled,” I stated.
Michael lent forward from his seat and ruffled my hair. “We can’t help it, you are so cute Ashton,” Michael teased. “Hey! Hands off prick!” I shouted, pulling away to fix my hair. Luke laughed as I ran my hands through my hair, trying to fix the mess Michael has made.
“All of you stop so we can leave already,” Luke said with a laugh. “This isn’t over Irwin,” Calum said prodding my arm teasingly. “Whatever Hood,” I replied, brushing his hand off me again, the sparks flying through my boys. I chose to ignore them and started the car.
Soon we were off and heading back to Luke’s house. It wasn’t long before we made it back and unloaded our stuff. Luke disappeared for a second, letting me know he was checking with his mum to see if it was ok if I could basically move it.
Luke walked back in as the boys and I were setting the instruments into the back corner of the room so they would be in easy access for tomorrow. Luke just looked over at me and flashed me a thumbs up before heading over to Calum to help him with the guitars.
I huge smile spread across my face and I happily hummed a tune as I finished putting my drums and cajón into the corner. After we had all put our things up we sat in a circle on the floor. “Ok so I was thinking we planned out who is going to sing what part of the song. Teenage Dirtbag, right?” Luke asked. I nodded briefly to Luke before letting my eyes wander to Calum again.
“So I think we introduce Ashton, maybe Michael could help introduce you before the song?” Luke asked. Again I just simply nodded to Luke. “Ok so after that I’m thinking Calum you take the first part of the song?” Luke asked. “Sure sounds good to me,” Calum replied.
“Luke, you and I take the first chorus?” Michael asked. “Ok sure,” Luke agreed. “Luke you take second verse, ok?” Calum asked. “If you want me?” Luke asked back. Calum looked at Michael and nodded. “Yeah then I’ll take the third verse,” Michael agreed.
“Ok so all sing the second chorus?” Luke asked carefully. “Yep, blend the vocals together,” Calum agreed. “Luke, can you take the bridge after the second chorus before I sing and the one after?” Michael asked. Luke bit his lip and nodded in agreement.
“And then we all end together,” Calum inputted. “Ok sounds like a plan. We should run it through and see how it sounds. Ashton? Mind taking up back vocals for us?” “What?” I asked, tuning back in when I was addressed.
“I said can you sing back up vocals? We need someone to have them and it is the perfect way to introduce the fact you have a good voice too,” Luke asked again. “I-ummm… sure I guess,” I agreed, face flushing. I was trying to avoid any singing, I was fine just playing my drums in the background.
That night we practiced vocals, sitting in a circle and singing to each other. I watched as the boys sung, occasionally adding in some back vocals when I felt necessary. Every time I sung even a few lyrics Calum would lean over from next to me and squeeze my leg, letting me know I was doing great.
We spent all night practicing. That night Luke crashed in his room while Michael crashed in the spare room. Luke told me that Calum and Michael trade off nights to get the room. Apparently I was part of the trade off routine too and I would be after Michael but before Calum.
Calum had been the one to say I could go before him. I smile and blushed slightly. Now Calum and I were both in the living room, each sleeping on a separate couch. Even though it was just a couch I felt really at home here. I drifted off to sleep with a smile on my face.
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We spent all week practicing. We would spend mornings using the instruments and then take a break for lunch. We would give ourselves some time to goof off and have some fun. We even went down to the beach Wednesday afternoon together.
For once in my life I was finally happy. I finally had people who cared about me. Sure there were some bumps in the road this week. All of which had to do with Calum and his wonderful girlfriend Maddie.
Calum and I got in a fight on Thursday about his girlfriend. The two of us had been in the car and I was driving us to Pizza Hut to get food for us and the other boys. Of course Maddie had called again and I had nearly swerved and hit the car in front.
I pulled over and got out the car. Calum got out too and we got in a huge fight. We were screaming and swearing at each other and I swear I felt my heart shatter. Fighting with the one you love is heartbreaking. I broke down on the side of the road crying.
It reminded me of how mum and Dylan used to fight. That only made me cry harder. Calum had stopped screaming and had come around the car to pull me into a hug. I panicked, sobbing into his shirt to not leave me like Dylan did. Calum just soothed me, rocking us back and forth.
After that we hadn’t fought since. I feel like Calum was watching over me, making sure I didn’t break down again. I assured him I wasn’t weak and that I was fine. I know he was keeping a watchful eye on me after that. It somehow made us closer though.
Calum and I spent more time together. When the band watched movies Calum and I would always share the couch and snuggle together. To say I was getting my hopes up wouldn’t be a lie. I knew I shouldn’t get my hopes up but it just happened.
When we teamed off to do something Calum and I always ended up together while Luke and Michael went off and did their thing. All in all it had been a pretty good week though. It was finally Saturday and we were filming our cover of Teenage Dirtbag to post online.
We all sat down in front of Luke’s Christmas tree. Michael was sat on a chair tuning his acoustic guitar. I was sat on my cajón on the other side of the tree. Luke and Calum were sat on the floor between us. Calum was sat next to me while Luke was sat between Calum and Michael.
I thought the arrangement in which we were sat was pretty damn good. Luke was going to be our cameraman who would turn the camera on and off. We all settled down and got ready to film.
Luke turned on the camera and joined us. “Hey,” we all cheered. “Hey guys this is our new drummer Ashton. He is now in the band,” Michael introduced me. “Hi guys. I’m so happy to be here, I just want to say thanks to the boys for letting me join the band.”
Calum looked up and flashed me a smile. I nodded at Luke and counted us off, “1, 2, 3, 4.” I started to play and so did Michael. “Are you gunna tell them what it is?” Calum asked, looking to Michael. “Oh yeah this is Teenage Dirtbag,” Michael said with a laugh. “Yeah,” Luke cheered. With that we all began to play.
“Her name is Noel, I have a dream about her. She rings my bell; I got gym class in half an hour. Oh, how she rocks, in Keds and tube socks. But she doesn't know who I am, and she doesn't give a damn about me,” Calum sang.
“Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby. Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby. Listen to Iron Maiden maybe with me, oh woah,” Michael and Luke sang.
Here and there I added the occasional back vocals, making sure I did what the band wanted but without making my voice as loud as the other boys.
Her boyfriend's a dick, and he brings a gun to school. And he'd simply kick, my ass if he knew the truth. He lives on my block, and he drives an IROC. But he doesn't know who I am, and he doesn't give a damn about me,” Luke sang.
“Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby. Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby. Listen to Iron Maiden maybe with me,” the three boys sang. “Oh woah,” we all sang together, a smile crossing all of our faces.
“Oh, yeah, dirtbag, no, she doesn't know what she's missin. Oh, yeah, dirtbag, no, she doesn't know what she's missin,” Luke sang along, smiling up at me.
All the while I happily played my cajón, feeling completely in my element. I smiled, letting the beat and tune take over, feeling it wash through my brain.
“Man, I feel like mold, it's prom night and I am lonely. Low and behold, she's walking over to me. This must be fake my lip starts to shake. How does she know who I am? And why does she give a damn about me,” Michael sang, me adding in back vocals at the end of his verse.
As it came to Luke’s next part I let my hands stop, letting Luke’s powerful voice take over as Michael quietly strummed along to the tune. Occasional as Luke sang I sang back ups, boosting the volume just a little louder.
“I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby. Come with me Friday don't say maybe. I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby, like you,” Luke sang. As Luke sang his part I picked up drumming again and Michael began to play at proper volume again. “Oh, woah,” Luke sang, picking up with Michael and I.
All I had focus on though was my drumming and Calum. I kept glancing down at Calum as he sung, his voice sounding beautiful, like an angel from heaven.
“Oh, yeah, dirtbag, no, she doesn't know what she's missin. Oh, yeah, dirtbag, no, she doesn't know what she's missin,” the boys sang together. “Yeah,” Luke added. “Oh, oh,” I added on the end, causing Calum and Luke to look up at me and smile.
With that we ended the song, me beating out a final beat and Michael ending it with a strum to his guitar. Calum and Luke looked at each other before Calum hopped up to turn the camera off. “Thanks for watching guys,” Luke said to the camera. “See ya,” Michael and I said at the same time.
With that Calum turned the camera off and smiled at us. “Got it,” he cheered, fist pumping the air. We all cheered and Calum jumped on top of me, knocking me to the ground. There, on the ground, Luke and Michael joined us and formed a group hug.
“You guys did great, you sounded amazing,” I said, looking at Calum as I said it. “As did you bro! Great vocals and drumming skills,” Calum said looking back at me. We all congratulated each other before getting up. “I’m going to put it on the computer and check it out and then try upload it tonight,” Luke said.
“Sounds great,” the rest of us cheered. Luke grabbed his laptop and set it up in the living room. The rest of us set up a movie and grabbed some snacks to celebrate our first video together.
Luke edited while Calum, Michael, and I talked about how we think we did. I was leaning against the couch, my legs resting on Calum’s legs. He didn’t seem to mind, his hand resting lightly on my legs as if it was a natural thing for us to sit this way.
After almost an hour Luke joined us. “Done,” he said collapsing next to us and propping himself against Michael. “Great! I say that on that wonderful note we should all head to bed early,” Michael said with a yawn.
“Is sleep all you think about Mikey?” I asked teasingly. “Well… that and pizza,” Michael said with a grin. I rolled my eyes and smiled at him nonetheless. It was Michael’s turn for the spare room again so he bid is good night and headed off to bed.
“I think I’m gunna crash too. Good night Cal, good night Ash.” “Night Lukey,” we both called after him. “What about you? You heading to bed?” I asked Calum. “Yeah I guess, has been an exhausting day,” Calum said with a yawn.
I nodded and pulled myself up so my legs weren’t resting on Calum’s anymore. A slight whimper left my lips at the loss of contact from Calum. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” “No, I’m fine. My arm just went numb is all,” I replied lamely. “Priss,” Calum teased. “Shut up. Good night Cal.” “Good night Ash.”
With that Calum crawled onto the couch and curled up under the blankets. A couple minutes’ later snores came from the couch. I had a feeling deep down I was the only one awake.
I had this strange urge to look at the comments on the video. I had a bad feeling that most fans would not be as accepting of me as the boys were. I quietly picked up Luke’s laptop and headed off to the bathroom we shared.
I sat down on the floor, my back leaning against the wall while I propped my feet up on the base of the sink. I propped the laptop on my lap and went to YouTube. I clicked on the video and paused it, scrolling down to look at the comments. Some were nice while most were awful.
“@5SOS_Queen: Who the fuck is Ashton? Get out of here no one wants you douchebag!”
“@Luke-Is-Sexy: Ashton who? Get the fuck out of here ugly white trash!”
“@MusicIsLife: Seriously?! A drummer? You don’t need that faggot you were perfect without him! #GetLostAshton”
“@That-girl-42: What the fuck? That new kid has got to go. #FuckOffNewbie”
“@5SecsofSummerIsLife: Get this gay new boy off my screen. Go die fag. The band was better without you!”
“@MissFabulous: This newbie can’t even play wtf? Why are you even here? Nobody wants you fag.”
“@MikeyIsMyBabe: I hate you Ashton! You fucking suck! This band doesn’t need you or your worthless so called talent. Bring back the old 5 Seconds of Summer!”
“@CalumMyMan: Pathetic wannabe new drummer. Get fucking lost bastard. Kill yourself #UselessDrummer”
“@MyNamesGrace: For real how the hell did you get in the band. They must have been desperate to let you in. Now they’ve used you they don’t need you anymore. Just you wait till they drop you like the piece of shit you are! #GetRidOfAshton”
“@CoolestBitchEver: Making a petition to get Ashton the fuck out of this band before he ruins it anymore then he already has #PetitionToGetAshtonOut”
There was hundreds upon hundreds of comments, all the same. All hate towards me, wanting me gone. That last comment with the petition had almost 1,000 likes already and the video had only been up a couple of hours.
The tears fell faster than I ever thought possible. I felt sick, like someone had just stabbed me in the heart. I was hated. No one wanted me. I really was as pathetic and useless as I thought. No one wanted a gay boy like me around in a band like this.
I threw the computer down, not caring if it broke. I looked around with bleary eyes and saw Luke’s razor sitting on the sink ledge. I grabbed it and sunk down to the floor. I ripped my sleeves back and placed the cool metal to my wrist.
“This is for being useless. This is for being ugly. This is for being talentless. For being gay. For joining the band in the first place. For being pathetic. For ever existing. For not being wanted. For ruining everything.”
With every statement I made a new cut on my wrist until there was nine cuts dripping blood down my arm. The cuts weren’t deep; I made sure not to do what I had done that last fateful time. I wanted to remember though, remember the comments and remember how much I am hated and not wanted.
I felt the relief as the blood poured down my arm, washing the hateful comments away. I sighed in a sick manner, entranced as my blood seeped into my shirt and the floor. I hated who I was. Why was I the way I was? Why did everyone hate me? What had I done wrong?
The comments were all right though. Everything they said was true. I should leave the band. I am nothing compared to Calum, Luke, and Michael. And Calum with his girlfriend, I had no chance so why was I even here? I broke down into sobs, my body shaking as the hate swirled around in my mind.
Suddenly the door rattled and swung open. I heard a gasp and looked up to the door. “Holy fucking hell. Ashton? What the fuck happened?”