I set my tray of food down across the table from Kaz. He glances up, then does a double take, his eyes lingering on my exposed arms.
"Nadia, your arms!" Eveia is staring at me, wide-eyed. "What happened?"
I sit before answering. "Contrary to popular belief, my life has not been that great."
"Holy Nikolai, did you—?" She just stares at me as if seeing me for the first time.
"Drop it, okay?" Kaz says softly, eyes still on me. I wonder if he's thinking about the kiss, our almost kiss. My face is tinged pink, no matter how hard I try not to think about it.
I take a sip from the bottle Briar gave me. My sutures are starting to itch in a very painful way.
The table is quiet for a moment. Wick breaks the tension.
"Kiira told us for tomorrow's visitation they're having an old fashioned carnival, then a party tomorrow night!"
I raise my head up, interested. I remember learning about carnivals in school. Before the bombings, people would pay money to play games and win prizes.
"So this carnival, they're doing it right after breakfast in the morning. It'll have some throwing games, and some strength games, things like that. And they're making popcorn!" Wick's smile widens when he mentions food.
We were given popcorn in class when we learned about the carnivals. I had never had it before, and haven't had it since. But I remember the taste, salty and buttery and crunchy, yet somehow it melts in your mouth with a kind of sweetness.
"I heard the party after will be pretty great," Kaz says. "Music, finger foods, dancing." He grins at me. "We should go and enjoy Wick's parents dancing."
I laugh, picturing the large couple moving as if they played the dance videogras game.
"Hey, you know I got my sweet moves somewhere." Wick shakes his shoulders back and forth.
"Oh my gosh," Eveia says. "Please don't do that in front of my parents." Eveia covers her face.
"Officially meeting the parents, eh?" Kaz smiles.
Eveia glares at him over the top of her hands. "They've already met, donkey. I just don't want them to realize what dorks my friends are."
Kaz turns to me, his face serious. "Nadia, would you do me the honor of accompanying me to this party and dancing as dorkily as possible with me?"
I play along, imitating his mock-regal tone. "Why, I would be positively delighted!"
"I hate you both," Eveia says.
Wick wiggles his shoulders again. "This is going to be fabulous!" He throws his hands in the air and sings the last word.
Eveia holds her fork in her fist like I had the other day. "Don't. Ever. Do that again."
Wick smiles at her. "So I shouldn't exclaim my excitement at seeing our families again in such a fashion when they arrive?"
"Not if you want to live."
We spend the rest of lunch chatting about the carnival, the party afterwards and about what our final week of training might bring.
"Let's go outside," Eveia says as we get up to dump our trays. "It was beautiful out this morning."
We climb to the cave entrance and decide to sit just outside, rather than hike all the way up to the roof to sit. When we reach the soft pre-dusk sunlight, though, there's a frenzy of noise and commotion going on. Several Troods are all building things; one group, a tall wooden wall with grooves and protruding objects, another, a strange giant pallet of wooden beams, alternating in height and space between them. Ritter oversees the construction.
"What's going on?" I pose the question to no one in particular, but Kaz answers, his eyes calculating as he scans the construction.
"Maybe they're setting up for the carnival."
I scan the crowd too, thinking he's probably right. Then something catches my eye. Someone.
Krishel.
My baby brother carries one of the huge round beams on his shoulder. I call out to him. He turns at the sound of his name, or maybe he recognizes my voice. When he sees me, he sets down the beam, his eyes lighting up then going dark in the space of a few seconds.
He doesn't move towards me, but I run to him. Why is he looking away? A pained expression creases his forehead.
"Krishel?" I stop a few feet from flinging myself at him. The others keep working around him.
He refuses to look at me.
"What's wrong?" I come closer, peering up into his face.
"I'm not supposed to talk to you." He stares at a pebble by his left shoe.
"What do you mean? Why not?"
He sighs, then kicks the pebble. "They're saying you're a traitor. Disloyal to your family and the Viry." Finally, he meets my eyes. I'm alarmed at the coldness in them.
"But I belong here. I was never good enough for the Viry." I reach out to him, making my scars visible. "You should know that better than anyone."
He withdraws from my hand; my fingers barely graze his arm.
"Krishel?" Why isn't he listening? I had thought he would always be on my side.
"You don't know how hard it's been." Krishel shakes his head, his eyes fixing on his shoes again. "It was bad enough when you first left; we could hear the whispers and feel the glances wherever we went. Why would a Viry turn her back on her calling?"
"You know why, Krishel. I was protecting you."
"But then Iskren questioned our parents' competence in raising you."
My eyes flash. "They were never my parents."
"Well, how could you do this to me? Or was I never really your brother, either? We're doing all we can to salvage our family name. They said I'd be punished if I continued to think of you as my sister, or if I acknowledge you at all." He laughs humorlessly. "I'll probably get beaten even for this."
I hate how nonchalantly Krishel speaks, the resignation in his eyes. He shouldn't be accustomed to threats, much less the physical abuse.
"Even after I gave him a taste of his own medicine?" I'm so angry I could vomit.
"Especially now." Krishel turns away. "I better get back to work. The longer I stand here the worse it will be."
A tear rolls down my cheek.
Krishel turns back to me, the cold mask gone. His eyes are the vulnerable eyes of a child viewing his hero, his big sister. My heart breaks.
"Can't you come back?" He speaks so quietly, I have to strain towards him. "Milo will forgive you."
I close my eyes, hoping to shut the dam on my tears. "You know it's too late for that."
Krishel shakes his head. "Then I guess they're right. You aren't my sister."
He turns his back to me, and a frozen loneliness grips my lungs. I can't breathe. Can't picture a world where I don't have my baby brother, my Krishel, somewhere.
I can't think, either. Can't decide what to do. I want to run after him and force him to forgive me for leaving. I want to make it all right again.
I want to flee, to run away as far and as fast as I can go. To disappear into the woods or over the cliffs. I want to escape this world of difficult choices and terrible consequences.
My legs won't move though. Won't let me do anything but stand and watch Krishel's back and cry silently and think about how I want to run to him and away from him. To punch him and to hug him. To save him and to hate him.
A warm hand closes around mine, and Kaz murmurs in my ear, "Let's go back inside."
I don't want to go with him, but it spurs me into motion. I pull my hand away and takeoff running back into the compound. Not toward Krishel.
I don't go to the woods.
My legs burn as I take the stairs two at a time.
I don't go to the cliffs.
My lungs scream as I choke on my tears.
I crash into Briar while barreling up the stairs to the fourth floor. And I when I come to stop I realize I wish I'd kept my friends at my side.
Because I realize I'm not running from Krishel or the words he spoke. I'm running from the loneliness. From yet another abandonment.
I really am an orphan.
Briar holds me upright and asks where the fire is. My thoughts are still so jumbled that his question confuses me.
"Where's the fire?"
He laughs. "It's an old expression. Just wondering why you almost took me out in your rush."
I shake my head, trying to clear out the fog and pull myself together. Briar's expression turns concerned and he wipes the tears dripping from my chin.
"My brother turned his back on me. I had a brother." My voice breaks. "But not anymore. I don't have family. I'm completely alone."
Briar's hands are still on my shoulders; he gives me a gentle squeeze. "That's not true at all. You have some pretty great friends here. They are your family. You are Kuzabn. We are all your family."
He puts his hands on my cheeks, rubbing the tears away with a soft stroke of his thumbs, and pulls my face up to look at him.
"Nadia, you still have a family. You are never alone when you are Kuzabn."
I'm comforted by this thought, and moved by the emotion in Briar's eyes. I believe him when he assures me I'm not alone. I nod and reach up between his hands to wipe my nose on the back of my hand.
Senka would be disgusted by the movement. But she's not my mother.
Zarko would punish me for such an un-Viry act. But he's not my father.
Briar chuckles and drops his hands, much like Krishel would.
But Krishel is not my brother.
No. I will try to protect him by staying away, but in my heart, Krishel will always be my brother.
"Why don't you go rest?" Briar says. "You've had a pretty emotional past few days."
I nod again and push through the entrance to my floor.
"Thank you." It comes out of my mouth as a whisper just before the door swings closed behind me.
*
I'm not alone in my room long before I hear my friend's voices in the hall.
"I think its thirty-three?" Eveia says.
"No, that was my room before," Wick huffs.
"Are we just going to knock on every door?" Kaz asks.
"Hey guys." I pull open my door. They all turn.
"Thirty-one! I knew it," Wick says.
Eveia purses her lips and pushes him. They join me in my room, Eveia flopping onto my bed, Wick and Kaz sitting on Caither's bed opposite us. I haven't seen her since the fight.
I can tell my friends are trying hard to keep the conversation light to avoid discussing what happened outside. Discussing Krishel.
"So..." Wick says after a lull in conversation. "I guess we should call it a night..."
He winks at Eveia, who grins broadly.
"I'll walk down to your room with you," she says. They're not as good at hiding their desires to be alone together as they were before.
Kaz rolls his eyes at me from his position lounging at the foot of the bed. His gaze remains on me, contemplative, a small smile pulling at the corners of his lips. I wish I could see into his mind and read his thoughts.
"Just go," I say, pulling my focus from Kaz. "Don't be gross about it."
They don't hesitate; Wick rolls onto my floor and springs up, holding out his hand to help Eveia from the bed.
Kaz shakes his head at them, but his eyes remain on my face. "You kids have fun."
"Oh, we will," Eveia says before shutting my door behind her.
"Now what?" I suddenly feel awkward, alone with Kaz. Door closed. That look on his face.
I'm definitely blushing.
He doesn't respond for a while. Finally he says, "I'm proud of you."
I wrinkle my brow, but he continues before I can ask what for.
"I expected you would have come up here and hurt yourself." He looks down at his hands. "Maybe even worse."
"Guess I'm stronger than you think." My voice is cold. His eyes shoot up to mine.
"I know how important Krishel is to you. For him to say those things...." Kaz shakes his head. "I know what it's like to feel rejected by everyone. Like you have no one to turn to or to trust."
Then he smiles at me. "But you didn't even consider hurting yourself."
It's my turn to look away. "Probably would have if Briar hadn't taken my razor blade." I feel a strange mixture of annoyance and relief. No matter how inconvenient, Briar is still protecting me.
"Well, at lease Briar could talk some sense into you." Kaz's voice has flattened.
I don't like the way he emphasized Briar's name, either.
"Tell me the truth, Nadia, is Briar in love with you?"
I laugh. "How should I know? I'm not Briar; I don't know what he feels."
Kaz's voice is so soft, I have to strain to hear it. "Do you love him?"
He won't meet my eyes.
I'm tired of this, of the jokes, the accusations despite my near-constant assurance that nothing is there.
"I guess I do. Is that what you want to hear?" Anger is building, causing my hands to shake.
"I want the truth."
"No one wants to believe my truth, so why bother defending myself anymore? Go ahead and believe what you want. Briar and I are so in love."
I push off my bed and stride to the door.
"Have a nice night, Kaz." I open the door and wait impatiently for him to get up.
He sits on the edge of my bed, his head bowed a little. "How do I compete with someone like that? He's established and skilled and better looking." Kaz shakes his head slowly.
"Seriously? Are you stupid?" How could Kaz really think I'd be more interested in Briar, after everything we've been through?
I almost kissed him for Nikolai's sake!
Kaz laughs once, a bitter sound. "Yeah, I guess I am. I don't know what I was thinking, hoping you could be interested in me. "
He gets up.
I don't stop him when he passes me. A small voice tells me to reassure him he's the only one I think about. But I'm tired of fighting him and the allegations. I've already said he's beautiful. I let him go.
He doesn't even look back when he enters the stairwell.
When the door swings shut behind him, I acknowledge how badly I wanted him to stay. I could kick myself for my stubbornness.
*
Saturday passes slowly. After breakfast, I go down to the Welcome Cave with Eveia and Wick for the carnival, but Kaz doesn't join us. At one point I spot him across the crowd, waiting in line to hit a mallet against a scale, the Strength Test. Caither and Jershom are with him. He glances our direction, then looks away. Eveia and Wick pretend not to notice anything strange is going on, but I also get the feeling they wouldn't mind being alone.
So I go back in for lunch early. I'm stuck eating by myself, trying to appear to those around me as if I've chosen my seclusion. I ignore the painful throbbing of my heart, fight the choking fear that I truly have been deserted by everyone.
Briar passes my table, hesitates. Returns. Asks if he may join me.
"Why not? No one else will." My voice is flat.
I sort of just want to go to sleep and wake up to a world where I have a purpose again, tasks to occupy my day, rather than all this mindless chatter in my thoughts, forcibly avoiding subjects of Krishel or Kaz.
Briar just stares at me after he sits, mild curiosity in his scrutinizing gaze. I sigh heavily.
"Why do you always show up right when I need someone?"
He leans back, a bemused expression in his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"You just always seem to pop up and you know just what to do or say."
He shrugs. "I keep an eye on all my recruits."
I can tell he's trying to be nonchalant, but he's not completely successful. I wish I could interpret whatever emotion is hidden in his eyes.
"What is that?" I squint my eyes and lean closer, as if by peering into Briar's face I can read his secret. "What are you trying to keep from me?"
Briar's eyes widen briefly before all his features harden. "You're right, maybe I have been too friendly with you. You're still a recruit; I'm still your teacher."
I don't stop Briar from leaving, just like I didn't stop Kaz last night. I'm getting good at watching people walk away from me. Maybe I should be the one to go. Today's the final Visitation, my final opportunity to choose the Viry.
After lunch, I go up to the lounge and wait for my friends, mindlessly shuffling a deck of cards. The party is in U-Gym rather than the lounge; the lounge is reserved for quieter conversations with family, away from the noise and music of a Kuzabn party. I'd agreed to meet Eveia and Wick here after lunch, and we'd go up to the party in Briar's gym together. But now, I may just tell them goodbye.
When they arrive, Kaz is with them, which makes my heart pound and my palms sweat. It's hard to breathe; my stomach feels expanded, as if it's sucked all the air from my lungs. I'm annoyed and hopeful and anxious.
Then he gives me a tentative smile. "Sorry I was such a donkey last night."
I sigh, my lungs working correctly again. "We both were."
We say nothing else about it.
-------------------------------
Sorry it's been a week since the last chapter. I really do try and update twice a week. Hopefully this *somewhat* lengthy chapter makes up for it. I've been babysitting all weekend and it is exhausting.
Will Nadia and Krishel make up?
Til next time,
x zuz