"Ell, are you alright?"
Lucas gazes at me with big, concerned eyes, like I was dying. Maybe I am, because my heart beats so fast, I'm afraid it will jump out of my chest. I breath heavily and I support myself on Lucas' strong arms, who are holding mine. He holds me firmly, like he's afraid they would fall off. He probably thinks there is something seriously wrong with me. I don't know what to say.
"I...I..."
A nauseous mixture of fear and adrenalin spreads through my body. My legs start to tremble. I look down. I can't control my breathing anymore. I can't think, I'm so tired of this. I almost don't notice that I get guided outside.
Only when I feel the cold air stroke my skin, I look back up. I'm standing in my backyard, just a couple of meters from the open door. It's so dark that I can't see a thing, but only hear the wind whistling through the invisible trees. My legs stop shaking from adrenalin, but they continue shaking because of the cold.
Lucas has put his jacket on my shoulders and stands behind me on a distance. I turn around, so I can face him.
"Thanks," I mumble, "I don't know how I should explain..."
but he interrupts me: "Don't worry about it, you don't have to explain anything."
I ask myself if he knows what happened to me not long ago. He probably does; afterall, he only lives a couple of houses away. What would he think of me? We haven't talked for a long time and we both changed. It's like we met for the first time tonight.
What a great first impression I made.
The abducted girl from the same street: a victim. Maybe that's the reason he came today, he pitied me. Did he even come out of free will? I can imagine Mrs. Duchoix forcing her son to talk with that poor girl, keeping her some company. It all feels fake. Tonight, we did talk pleasantly and laughed together. But how do I feel if I know it all occurred this way because he felt sorry for what happened to me?
When I'm calmed down, I feel the fatigue taking over. I'm too tired to think and my thoughts make me miserable. The panic attacks took their toll.
"I'm sorry, I don't feel very well."
Before he can say a thing, I pass him. I run up the stairs and shut my bedroom door behind me. I stand fixed in the darkness. Only the moonlight and a lonely streetlamp bring some light into the room. Long shadows create an obscure sphere. I feel the thoughts from a couple of moments ago entering my head again and I decide to go lie on the bed. That way, I can fall asleep, not having to think about them.
I get haunted by nightmares, who won't let me wake up. I run through dark woods while branches try to catch me from every side. They leave scratches on my naked arms and legs. I flee as fast as I can, from something I'm afraid of, but I seem to be forgotten what. The leaves hanging on the trees suddenly transform into a dark shade of red. The wind blows with great force. Someone is following me, but I'm too afraid to look behind me. I scream for help, although I know it's probably pointless. I run and I run, right into darkness' arms. The pursuer comes closer. I can feel his presence sting in my back. My god, he is going to get me. But all of a sudden I fall into a pitch black hole. I scream the lungs out of my chest while gravity painfully pulls down my body.
I wake up sweating and in a state of terror. My dad is holding my shoulders and is calling my name. It takes me a couple of seconds before my breathing slows down. This was one of the most terrible nightmares I've had this week. No, I'm sure this one was the worst. I can see my dad being worried. He sits on his knees and is still holding me tight.
"I'm, okay. I'm alright." I try to tell him, but my voice breaks down, although I'm speaking the truth. I'm awake and lying in my bed, in my own bedroom and home.
Even though a drop of sweat rolls over my forehead, I've gotten goosebumps. I know I'm not going to get any more sleep tonight, but I don't mind.
Carefully, I take my dad's hands of my shoulders and assure him that I just have to be let alone. He doesn't seem convinced, but since he's not sure how to help either, he leaves the room. I don't know how long I sit up straight, before I eventually get up and go sit at the big window. I wrap myself in a blanket and open the window just a bit. The cool air caresses my skin and freshens my thoughts. I ask myself how this nightmare could've happened. Today was a stressful day afterall.
Having people at the house after what happened, was a new experience. I had to get used to it. Besides, I had a pretty good time, until I experienced those panic attacks. I feel ashamed about it. Lucas was very friendly and I noticed how he did his best to keep me involved. I hope he doesn't feel bad about what happened today. It'll be okay, he will survive.
While asking myself if I really managed to lose a friendship that had developed only that same day, I go lie back in bed. Against all odds, I fall asleep.