C H A P T E R
35
- H a m s a -
"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel."
- Anonymous.
"There you are," I cry at Anas, who has just walked through the gate of the sleepy winter wonderland that the school playground has become.
Everything around us is white and deeper white, and his feet carve a path as he approaches me, cradling a fishing pole. "Where did you go? I thought I told you to assemble the blankets and picnic baskets."
He comes to a halting stop in front of me, heaving and puffing; out of breath from running. "I forgot my fishing rod at home and ran back to get it." He cants his head towards the rod and his eyes gleam with satisfaction.
"You fish?" I ask.
"I've never tried it. The fishing rod was my father's, grandpa says dad was a pro fisher! Can you imagine that? Bash promised we can make a hole and fish in the lake together today," he says, and grins into a cloud of his own breath.
"That's very nice of him," I say. "If only he decides to peel his butt off his bed and enlighten us with his presence." I let out an irritated huff.
"He is very lazy," Anas says with a chuckle. "Just like you, Misa."
I narrow my eyes. "Look who's talking."
"At least I can admit it proudly." His cheeks are rosy from the cold and I want to cup them in my hands to warm them, but my hands are freezing too.
I'm starting to have second thoughts about today's trip to the lake. It hasn't stopped snowing till this morning and the cold is extreme.
The winter should be coming to an end, but it seems every day it just keeps getting colder.
"Alright, move along lazy pants. Go help Miss Lana with the blankets. We should head out in a bit."
"Aye captain!" He barks, marching away.
An air of energy and excitement fills the playground as everyone runs about, busy doing something to get ready for the trip. It took two whole weeks to sort things out for this trip, but it is finally happening and Sebastian is to thank.
He was the most enthusiastic about this, which is why he being this late worries me. What if he couldn't sneak out of the mansion in this weather? This trip will not be the same without him, but I can't cancel on everyone last minute.
Even Yahiya and Zayn shifted their schedules around so they wouldn't have work this morning and they could come along. I know it is so they can keep an eye on Sebastian but still, I'm sure they would be disappointed if we did not go.
Before I can slump and slip into grumpy mode, Sebastian's voice greets me cheerily, "Morning, Green!"
I plaster on my deadliest glare, anchor my hands on my waist and swivel. "You're late," I shout at him.
Immediately his cheeky beam is replaced by a look of horror and he lifts his hands up in surrender, backing away from me.
"I'll be the one opening the school gates for everyone tomorrow," I say attempting to mimic his voice, but instead I sound like a cow that's choking on plastic. "Obviously you failed to do that, since you're the last one to arrive."
Sebastian's efforts to hold back his laughter are to no avail. "If I sound like that, I'm never speaking again," he says.
"You would be doing us all a favour."
"You don't mean that," he says and winks at me.
He looks like a little boy, his nose and cheeks bright red, his dark hair coming out of his knit hat in tangles. "Aren't you going to ask me why I'm late?"
I give him a sidelong glare and shrug. "You overslept of course."
He rolls his eyes. "Yes I overslept but that's not why I'm late."
He takes off his hat - his hair standing up every which way - and that's when I notice he has something slung over his arm.
He sees me looking and his grin widens. "I stayed up all night finishing this up. The winter is almost over and I wanted to get it done before it would be useless."
I stare at him confused as he rolls out the garment, and then my eyes go wide when I see it is a beautifully knit, green shawl.
After the initial shock and amazement, it dawns on me that he should not have done this; I have made it pretty clear when he got the Television, that it would be the last time we received anything from him.
His eyes flick to mine. He must interpret the expression on my face because he says, "Before you give me that sour-lemon look, this is not charity, it is a gift."
I open my mouth to say 'so what if it is' but he lifts a finger to shut me up and continues, "Gifts are encouraged in Islam and it's even bad manners to decline one." He smirks. "Don't try to deny that, I did my homework and checked. So unless you have something personal against me or my sewing, you'll accept this."
I sigh in defeat and Sebastian throws his fist in the air, making me roll my eyes.
"I didn't know you could sew, Grandma."
"Yeah, belittle my talents since you are just so boring," he says, moving behind me to rest the shawl over my shoulder - I appreciate that he is extra careful to keep his distance and not touch me.
I smooth my fingers over it, and they pass over something in the corner of the scarf. Glancing down, I notice small letters embroidered in white. It takes me a moment to read them and then another for their significance to register and I gasp.
It is the word Whisper - my name.
"Oh Sebastian, it's beautiful," I say with a smile, and I mean it. "Thank you."
His gaze lingers on my face in a way that makes me feel exposed and I wrap the shawl tighter around my shoulders.
"It suits you." His lips quirk in a small satisfied smile.
I laugh. "'Cause it's green, right?"
"Yeah, about that! It was totally unintentional. I could only find green threads," he says, jerking his head to the side to get hair out of his eyes.
"Lucky me."
Anas comes running towards us, excited to see Sebastian. He bumps fists with him and goes on rambling about fishing, rods and baits.
"I almost forgot, Misa! Where does Zeina keep her insect bottle? She said I could take a couple worms to use as baits since I couldn't find any because our garden is covered in snow," Anas says and then turns to Sebastian, "I have to get her ten new worms once the snow melts, though. You know girls and how they get about their stuff."
I purse my lips to hold back a laugh. Anas is so cute, and he plays the part of being Zeina's nemesis so well even though I know they both like each other's company. He is obviously distraught by her absence today; only students ten years and older were allowed on this trip.
"She changed her hiding spot after you tried to get her insects murdered that last time. It's a mystery to me how she can trust you again." I shake my head.
"I said I was sorry and promised to never repeat that again," he says, narrowing his eyes at me. "She let it go, now would you?"
"Good then, they're behind the books in the library's insects section. Just make sure you secure the lid properl-"
"Yeah, yeah! Thanks Misa!" He rushes back in before I could finish my sentence.
"Tell everyone to come out, we're leaving in five!" I shout after him.
"Where are Yahiya, Zayn and Lamees?" Sebastian asks, scanning the playground.
"Yahiya and Zayn are inside my classroom, both being cry-babies about the cold. And Lamees should be here any moment," I say, my stare swinging to the entrance.
"So it's only a big deal when I over sleep! But Lamees can be as late as she wants. Tell me how is that fair," he says indignantly.
"Get over it." I pretend not to see his glare and do nothing to hide my gratified beam.
"You're evil," he mutters.
"I know," I say, poking out my tongue. "And I also need to speak to you about something," I add, going serious.
He grins. "Hit me with it."
I take a quick look at the school's building; everyone is not gathered yet, so we have a couple minutes which are all I need.
"I think I'm ready to tell Madam Moneera about Yasmeen and the camp," I say with a level of determination that doesn't match what I'm feeling inside.
A few days ago, Sebastian brought up this topic and I begged him to just let it go and forget about it. He told me I wasn't protecting Madam Moneera; I was protecting myself and that was selfish. At the time I felt betrayed and indignant, but then I gave it a lot of thought and realized he had a point.
Sebastian cocks a brow. "But you said-"
"I know what I said. But you're right."
"I'm what?" he smirks mischievously. "I like the sound of that. I don't think I've ever heard it."
I roll my eyes, but my smile slips. "Don't get used to it. I just understand it is not my right to keep this from her. False hope or not, she needs to know."
"I'm glad you feel that way," he says, slipping his hat back on.
"I want you to be there when I tell her."
Now both his eyebrows fly so high they almost touch his hair line. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."
"I am. Let's visit her when we get back from the lake." I don't wait for his reply, because I know he would do this for me. "Come on, everyone is ready."
I catch a glimpse of Zayn and Yahiya emerging from the school building. Yahiya is laughing at something Zayn just said and Zayn claps him on the back.
I wave and jerk my head, beckoning them over and ignore how their lips sag in annoyance when they see Sebastian.
Beside me Sebastian purse his lips and huffs.
I sigh. It has been two weeks since the royally disastrous Iftar dinner and still these three acts like children. Or old grudge-holding women.
"If you play good and try to be friendly, you'll have my undying gratitude," I whisper to Sebastian.
"Undying gratitude? Cool. Does that come with eternal servitude? If so, I like my tea with lemon." His words are laced with heavy sarcasm but nonetheless he plasters on a sweet smile when Yahiya stops in front of us.
'Be nice,' I mouth to Yahiya, giving him a pointed look.
"Hey mate," Sebastian says and receives a condescending stare from Yahiya.
Sebastian looks at me as if to say 'see? I tried'.
Zayn on the other hand just passes us by to the gate. "Let's get going, I should be back before my 1o'clock shift."
So he decided he's going to pretend Sebastian doesn't exist, I guess that's better than picking fights with him.
Lana claps her hands, ushering all the kids out into the street. "Okay, is everyone outside? Where's Lamees?"
"Here! I'm here, I'm not late!" Lamees squeels, running towards us with her hands up in the air and face flushed.
Everyone burst into laughter - even Yahiya and Zayn.
Sebastian turns to look at me and smiles. "I promise you Hamsa, we'll have fun today."
"I already am," I say, but my voice is drowned out by the sudden thunderous blast that explodes behind us.
It shakes the air, radiating from the ground and up my legs.
Everyone screams in terror, some of the kids fall onto the white snow and start wailing. Yahiya is shouting at everyone to take cover. Sebastian tugs me, but I can't move. I'm transfixed by the huge grey cloud that formed above the school building.
And then another blast goes off, this one louder, closer... Inside the school.
I watch with bulging eyes as the smoke spread out of the entrance, snaking towards us. And I know the building is going to collapse any moment.
In horror I scan the faces of the students as realization crashes down on me prompting a full force of panic.
"Anas is still inside the school!" I shout.
Sebastian lets loose a curse.
My sharp breaths are accented by clouds, my hands tremble and my body shakes uncontrollably.
"Oh my Allah!" Lamees gasps.
I charge into the maelstrom of smoke, raining earth and collapsing rocks. "Anas!"
I'm not the only one screaming. Zayn, Yahiya and Sebastian are there too, calling after me. Lamees is crying and Lana is trying to calm the kids.
Then the sound of my heartbeat thrashing in my ears becomes the only thing I hear.
The moment I dash through the building's doors, a giant wave of wind, dust, and debris hits me in the back. I stagger for a moment before catching my balance.
"Anas!" My scream is primal, so hoarse.
I feel the tears blurring my vision and I blink them back. I can't cry now, I have to find him. He's safe somewhere in here. He has to be. Insha'Allah.
The earth falls before my eyes in a roar of dirt and smoke, and I have to dodge raining rocks. My coughs hiccup through the hallway.
"Hamsa!"
In reflex my head snaps over my shoulder. Zayn is right behind me, disappearing and flickering in the waves of smoke, his expression is earnest and despairing.
A loud crash behind him makes me freeze and I gasp when I see rocks where the entrance was. I realize we are trapped in even though Zayn doesn't yet.
He hauls me back as the curtain of dirt keeps coming at us in tidal waves.
He's dragging me outside - even though there isn't a way outside anymore -, away from Anas, and I thrash my hands and legs, fighting to get out of his steel hold.
"Let me go! I have to find him!" I scream, my tears rushing down my face. "Let me go!"
But he doesn't, and I'm getting desperate so I dig my teeth into his arm. With a horrible guttural sound, his grip loosens around my shoulders. Coughing violently, I jerk free and jump back into the hallway, leaving him behind me, bent over the waist with pain.
"Anas! Anas!" I shout, charging into a classroom. The cloud of smoke and dirt sting my eyes and I have to fight to keep them open.
"Anas!" I wail.
"Hamsa! Please help me!"
My ears perk up when Anas' faint voice sounds from deep inside the smoke.
"I'm here, Anas!" I dash back into the hallway.
Through the smoke, Anas' silhouette comes to view.
"Anas!" I shout, plunging myself in his direction.
"Hamsa!" This time it is Zayn calling my name.
I turn to look at him. I see the fierce, angry red of his open mouth and his eyes widened in horror.
I shout, "He's okay! He's alive."
But all Zayn says is, "Hamsa! Hamsa!" With increasing desperation.
He opens his arms, and I don't understand why. I don't understand what he's shouting at me until an incredible pain comes crashing to the back of my head.
The rock is only the first of a full wave. I brace myself and in the last second shove Anas out of the way before I fall into darkness.
*
I always wondered what it's like to be dead. I hoped it would peaceful like floating.
I am wondering if I'm dead when I wake. But then pain greets me, and I know I'm alive. Almost.
I ignore the pain because I need to make sure Anas is alright, that he's not hurt.
I try to sit up; something heavy holds my legs to the floor, so I push onto my elbows and inhale a hissing breath when the pain intensifies in my thigh.
Sweat drips down my face as I struggle to catch my breath.
Smoke swirling around me and white spots in the corners of my eyes make it hard for me to see. My ears are ringing and I feel extremely disoriented as I blink into nothing.
Then I hear a cough, followed by my name.
"Hamsa! You're alive. I was so scared, I thought you were dead," Anas cries, collapsing down beside me.
Even in the dark, his familiar face comforts me.
His face is dirt stained and his lower lip chapped, but other than that and a couple scratches on his arms, he's not seriously injured. I heave a sigh and cup his face in my hands.
"You're okay." I barely recognize my voice, it's so strained and I can't muster the strength to put on a smile for his sake.
"You're bleeding," he gasps, his hands flying to my thigh which is impaled with a metal rod.
My pulse jack-knifes against the flesh at my neck. Just the sight of it; flesh torn apart, crimson, warm blood soaking my clothes and the floor underneath me, makes me dizzy. I dart my gaze away, canting my head upwards, to prevent myself from vomiting.
I have to stay strong for Anas. I can't show him how panicked I am.
"It's just a little blood," I croak, and paste on a brittle smile. But even a two year old wouldn't believe me, let alone a smart kid like Anas.
"We have to stop the bleeding," he say, jutting his chin up. Even in this situation, he's trying to man up and stay brave.
But I don't miss the tears welling in his eyes. It's so unlike him that at first I think that the blood loss is worse than I thought and I'm hallucinating.
I reach for his hand, which is trembling and gently pull him toward me. "I'm going to be okay. We're both going to be okay, Insha'Allah."
Now tears are streaming down his face and he coughs. "Give me your shawl so I can wrap it around your leg."
My eyes snap to the shawl hanging onto one shoulder now, and covered in dirt. Sebastian's shawl. I won't ruin it with stupid blood.
"Here, use my scarf," I say, painstakingly taking it off, trying not to move too much.
I hand him the scarf and he takes it, moving the hair out of my face.
"Don't move," he instructs me, swiping the tears from his eyes, but more come.
Carefully, he slips the scarf under my thigh, just above where the metal impales the flesh and then wraps it as tight as he can.
I bite my lip against the pain until I taste the coppery blood in my mouth. A moan spits from my lips, sending me over the edge.
"I'm sorry," Anas says, a hiccup escaping his mouth. "This is all my fault. If I hadn't gone into the library to get the worms and if I hadn't taken so long. You wouldn't have come after me and you would be hurt now. I'm sorry Misa, I'm so sorry."
His tears transform into full sobs and his shoulder start to shake violently. "Shhhh, it's not your fault baby, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'alla destined this, and we should have faith in him. He knows best and Insha'Allah we'll get out of here and everything will be alright."
I put my arm around him, and he grants himself an uncharacteristic moment of weakness and collapses onto my chest, hugging me.
I run my hand over his hair, and rock him gently.
I glance around us, looking for a way out, but I can see nothing other than rocks everywhere. Zayn must be trapped on the other side of one of these walls. But I can't risk moving any rock in fear of the whole place collapsing down on us. I should just believe that everyone out side are doing their best to get us out of here.
Anas' breathe steadies as he slips into tearful sleep.
I try to move my leg, get it out of the metal, but I can't. A scream gurgles in my throat and I'm left breathless from the effort. Frustrated tears prick my eyes, blur my vision.
Ya Allah help me.
Soon it becomes hard to breath, and I don't know whether it is from the blood loss or if the oxygen levels are dropping. Either way it's not a good sign.
I slip in and out of consciousness and Anas doesn't wake up at all. In my haze I hear someone call my name, it's low and far away but it's definitely there.
I open my mouth to answer them; tell them I'm here, that I'm okay, but nothing comes out. I swallow twice and try again, this time my voice comes out choked, but it's enough for the person to know where I am.
"Hamsa! Are you here?" Zayn's voice is just beyond the wall I'm propped on, burning and frantic but also weak.
"Zayn," I call, with renewed energy and hope.
"Alhamdulillah, you're fine. I'm sure Yahiya will find a way to get us out. Just hang in there." He cough, and fights to catch his breath. "Are you hurt? Is Anas okay?" He sounds like he's on the verge of crying so I don't tell him my blood is decorating the floor.
I gulp down a sob and squeeze my eyes shut. "We're both fine, just a little shaken. Anas is sleeping."
He's quite for a moment and I know he doesn't believe me.
"Are you okay?" I ask him.
Another cough, and his voice grows weaker. "A few bruises can't bring me down," he says. "I've had worse."
"I'm sorry I bit you," I say, my tear now running freely.
"I'm sorry I tried to hold you back, but I couldn't watch you go in here. And now look what happened."
I'm drifting away but I try to hold on. "Keep talking please, I'm scared." I cough, the effort hurting my chest and leg.
"Don't be, I'm right here." His voice is fading away, transforming into someone else's. "Don't worry, I'll keep you safe." Sebastian's voice hugs me and I grasp onto it with all I have, even though I know it's not real.
"I know you will, Sebastian. I trust you." My lids sink over tired eyes. "Oh ya Allah. I'm just exhausted. If I could just... lay down for a minute."
"Hamsa. Hamsa, talk to me."
But I can't fight anymore even with my body's discomfort, with the sting pulsing in my thigh. My cheek presses down on the cold jagged rocks, I'm drowning. And then I hear a loud crash and my name, roared at the top of familiar lungs.
In a heartbeat he is beside me, blue eyes boring into my almost lidded ones. A sound escape his bloodied lips, urgent, desperate.
I hear it but think, no, he didn't say that.
"Green, don't die on me! I can't lose you too!"
And just as he lifts me up in his arms, I drift into nothing, but I'm not scared anymore, because I know I'm safe.