Charlie and Me. Chapter 23
Treeza gets angry, and Charlie and Rick badly misjudge things.
*****
Madeline was as good as her word; she did play nicely with the other children. It was Charlie and I who made a pig’s ear of things.
We’d already invited Treeza round as we’d said. Sylvester was conveniently away playing with his Lego, so it had seemed natural to make sure she wasn’t on her own. To make things more fun, we didn’t bother to tell her we’d now invited Madeline. And we staggered the arrival times; Madeline was to get to us at 7:00, Treeza at 7:30. I am devious, aren’t I?
Madeline arrived on the dot, just as we expected. We got comfortable in the kitchen. Madeline glanced at the Mission Control signs with a quizzical look on her face.
‘This is where we do our plotting and planning when we help our friends,’ I explained.
‘And, errm, what other plots have you hatched here?’ she asked uncertainly. ’Though I’m not sure I want to know.’
‘We’re going to tell you anyway so you see just how lightly you got off. You had a lucky escape. If we hadn’t both liked you, you’d have been in some very deep fucking shit indeed.’
‘Charlie, be cool. Madeline’s a guest in our house and isn’t used to you yet. Madeline, you’re likely still coming to terms with Charlie not being Ashley and me not being Sylvestra.’
‘That was a shock,’ Madeline almost stammered.
‘That was the intention. Now you need to bear in mind that when we set out to fix someone we do play relatively straight. No child porn on the computer, no spurious drug busts, no fake murder raps. We play clean, OK cleanish, but create maximal confusion and inconvenience. Here goes. There’s a man called Nigel Short who upset our friend Constance. Charlie? Want to do this? It was your idea, after all.’ And I think he was once a lover who betrayed you, I added silently.
Charlie explained the small penis plot. Madeline gaped at us.
‘You did that?’
‘I suppose strictly speaking Haydn did it, but it was our idea. Before that there was a guy called Len who upset our friend Sylvester. Charlie?’
Charlie said ‘You need to remember that Rick doesn’t think in straight lines, which is why he’s fucking hopeless at drag racing. He doesn’t think laterally, either. Edward de Bono would wonder where the fuck Rick was coming from. Rick’s head operates in some fucking multidimensional timespace.’
‘Praise indeed. Thank you, Charlie, but as I said, let’s tone down the language. I’m flattered you think I have a mind like a corkscrew. Talking of which, I should be wielding one right now. I’ll do that while you carry on.’
Charlie explained the property development plot. ‘I hope you get to meet Arry’n’Barry; they’re nice people, but don’t have them do any work on your house. Terry’s a good mate too, even if he’s a chancer who’s way ahead of Arry’n’Barry in the chancy stakes. Sylvester... Well he’s simply one of the good guys,’ she added. Her accent had me sweating again.
‘We cut our teeth by avenging our friend Abby,’ I said, and revealed the whole sorry tale of Fuckface Marco and his poncey supercar.
Madeline took a biggish slug of wine. Her hand was trembling slightly. She said, ‘You really are good friends to have.’
‘Yes ma’am, but you don’t want to get the wrong side of us. Again.’ said Charlie. She was moderating her language, I was pleased to observe.
‘I did get off very lightly.’
We all heard a car pull up outside.
‘It’s payback time,’ snarled Charlie.
She can sound quite dangerous when she says something like that. You’d expect her to be camouflaged up and chewing tobacco while hoisting an enormous belt-feed Gatling gun onto her shoulder.
‘But pay it back and it’s all settled.’
‘By the way, Madeline, Treeza doesn’t know you’re here,’ I said.
Madeline went a bit paler. ‘Ash... sorry, Charlie, you understated his deviousness.’ She took another big pull on her wine. I gave her a generous refill. She would need it.
‘I expect she’ll want to speak to me somewhere quiet when she sees you. When we come back in here, the first words you say to her, the very first words you say, will be ‘Treeza, I’m sorry.’ After that you can extemporise.’
There was the crunch of gravel as someone came round to the back door, then Treeza wandered in. ‘G’day both. Someone’s done some bloody shoddy parking out there.’ She was looking down as she wiped her DMs on the mat. Then she looked up and saw Madeline. Her face dropped then hardened.
‘Rick, a word with ya please. Scuse us for a minute.’
She nodded towards Madeline and Charlie, then towards the door to the hallway.
‘Told you so,’ I said to Madeline as I stood up.
Treeza and I walked into the hallway. Behind us I heard Charlie say to Madeline ‘I hope you like fireworks. They scare me.’
‘I think these may scare me too,’ Madeline said weakly.
I closed the door. That’s a recurring theme as well, isn’t it? Then we walked into the living room. I closed that door too.
Treeza was seething. She looks singularly lovely when angry.
‘Authaus, you Pommie bastard, this has your grubby little pawprints all over it!’ she hissed.
‘Somebody once said that to me before. Oh, it was you, wasn’t it? Silly me.’
‘Strewth, what are you playing at? Your mind works like a ref in an Aussie rules football match!’
‘A rapprochement. She’s OK. You’re OK. It’s just neither of you realised it.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me, you Pommie bastard!?’
‘C’mon Treeza, you know me better than that.’
‘So, what, it was more fun this way?’
‘Partly.’
‘You Pommie bastard.’
‘Yep. It’ll be fine. Just relax and go with the flow. It’ll be fine, trust me.’
‘I wouldn’t trust you to buy me a bar of chocolate!’
‘Praise indeed. Now let’s get back. Dinner should be ready by now.’
‘You Pommie bastard.’
‘I think you already said that.’
‘I should leave right now, you bastard.’
‘That’s why I said partly. See, I don’t think you will. It’s possible you might have refused to come if I’d told you. But you won’t leave. You won’t let Madeline defeat you. You haven’t done so far, I don’t think you’re going to start now.’
‘You scheming little shit.’
‘Makes a pleasant change from being a Pommie bastard.’
I opened the doors and ushered a fuming Treeza back into Mission Control. Madeline immediately did a passable impersonation of a jack-in-the-box, extended a hand, and spoke.
‘Treeza, I’m sorry. I apologise. It was thoughtless and unkind of me to call you Kylie. I should have had more respect for you, especially when I value your technical skills so much.’ She smiled slightly. ‘And your ability to deal with difficult clients.’
Treeza hesitated.
‘C’mon Treeza, there’s an olive branch here. Take at least a leaf back to the Ark,’ I said.
‘Authaus you are such a devious...’
I got cross. ‘Let’s just take it as read that I’m devious, shall we? I don’t need you to tell me that. But I do need to tell you something. I’m getting a bit twitchy with you here. You’re a friend. You’re welcome in our home. Me casa, su casa. But open your fucking ears.
‘You asked us to fix a problem, we’ve fixed it. Perhaps not in a way you expected, but that’s just tough titty. We didn’t let you in on the plan because you can be a bit volatile, and we didn’t want Madeline to get wind of things if you threw a wobbly and shot your mouth off. Now this may sound harsh, but please do not fuck us about in our home. What Charlie and I say in here goes.’
Charlie chipped in.
‘Be a bit more fucking gracious about the apology that fuckwit and I set up for you.’
Treeza was shocked, and got even angrier. I saw her glance at the back door. If she left it would be the end, and we’d never see Sylvester again either. That would be bad. Made worse by the fact she’d be leaving because of us, not because of Madeline. I realised we had misjudged things badly, that I had to defuse the situation, or Charlie and I would lose two people we cared about. We’d played a high stakes game and could be about to lose the hand.
‘Treeza. Please listen to me. We did what you asked of us. We fixed your problem. Please, now do what we’re asking of you. Pretty please. With sugar on top. And a cherry.’
She glared at me some more, then her face softened and she became gracious. When she’s angry she’s angry, but it goes away quickly when she can see she’s in the wrong.
‘Strewth, you two really are impossible. But you’re right. I’m sorry. And you Madeline.’ She took Madeline’s hand and shook it.
‘Authaus, I hate ya. Don’t ever forget that.’
‘Duly minuted.’
‘And you Charlie. I hate ya too.’
Charlie got her response absolutely right, a pretend mixture of confusion and outrage.
‘Me? What the fuck did I do wrong?’
Treeza giggled, Madeline laughed. She has a nice laugh. I quite fancy her, to be honest.
Treeza and Madeline got on like a house afire. Some of the conversation was all capacitances and resistors and solenoids, but the two of them were rib-achingly funny about some of their more lecherously misguided clients. They showed no mercy, took no prisoners.
We all ate, Treeza and Madeline drank a bit more than was wise. The resulting taxi bill was substantial, since Charlie and I had to pour them into two separate cars heading for two different distant places. Our local minicab company would go into administration if it weren’t for us.
Then on the Sunday, Charlie and I had to spend a lot of time shuttling cars back and forth. Pfff. The things you do for your friends.